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Brainstorm: Lives of the Mind Gina Barreca

Women and Fear

There’s nothing more terrifying than scared people.

Elizabeth Bowen

Risk! Risk anything! Care no more for the opinion of others, for those voices. Do the hardest thing on earth for you. Act for yourself. Face what frightens you.

Katherine Mansfield

Fear is a matriarchy; fear is passed down through mothers.

These are fighting words, and I wish they weren’t true but I believe they are: girls are still encouraged to maintain their desire for protection by others in lieu of forging their own sets of strengths.

Encouraged to look for protection and defense from their parents and family, girls frequently transfer this desire to a lover or husband as they grow into adulthood. Anxiety and fear are paradoxically often a product— not a failure— of a woman’s being both astute and perceptive: The most fearful are often those with the most imaginative intelligences.

The toughest cookies I know are still far more fearful than their male counterparts; the most apparently invincible woman is, I would argue, beset by wild and remarkable anxieties.

Sometimes fear is our ally, true, but often it is no more than a masked enemy.

Our strength is often composed of the weaknesses we’re damned if we’re going to show.

Mignon McLaughlin

Why, when presented with precisely the same social and psychological situations, do men become angry while women get scared?

Being frightened is an especially embarrassing emotion because what we fear often seems petty. Someone scared might be reprimanded by a companion, and told to “Get a grip—anybody with sense can see that there’s nothing to worry about,” unless the fear is somehow politically correct. The big worries seem noble—fear of nuclear annihilation, of environmental destruction, of human suffering—but everyday personal fears — fear of elevators, fear of embarrassment, fear of not fitting into last year’s bathing suit— creep around coveting the nobility of genuine fears but never quite making it.

Insecurity about the details of life causes excessive concern for them in the lives of many women, who then permit their fears about the details to obscure genuine threats to their well-being. There are, for example, women with immaculate houses who refuse to go to the doctor for mammograms; they are apparently more worried about their bedspreads than their breasts, but surely this isn’t the case.

Displacement of fears from the actual to the imaginary leads not to reassurance but to a deluded sense of protection from danger. Even when we know that our imagined fears typically outnumber our actual we continue to displace our feelings of fear onto other, perhaps even more potentially destructive, emotions and behaviors. We can’t help it.

And the trouble is, if you don’t risk anything, you risk even more.

Erica Jong

Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. The fearful are caught as often as the bold.

Helen Keller

Anthropologists from Margaret Mead onwards insist on the overwhelming evidence that women continue to want men who are older, more powerful, more intelligent, and more ambitious than they are. One way to create the possibility for this imbalance is for an otherwise able woman to trip herself up by becoming fearful, but this pattern of fear is finally and essentially destructive to any relationship, no matter how satisfying it might otherwise appear.

Sounds like a lot of fun, right?

The man who lives with a fearful woman will, according to psychologists and sociologists, begin to feel himself drained by the constant need to be dominant and the lack of an energy-filled, honest and mutually responsible interaction. His energy will be sapped by his unconscious resentment, boredom, and sense of futility about changing this pattern. Her “feminine fears,” once an ego-boosting delight, will become instead a heavy weight. To many men, a fearful woman seems a willing captive within the walls of her own home, flawlessly keeping her house, tending her children, and toiling endlessly with her formulae for improving her life one day when things won’t be quite so pressured or hectic. He fears, of course (and often correctly), that such a day will never come.

The implications of this are manifold and emblematic of the way gender roles function; the woman apparently receives the benefit of feeling protected, but the horizon of her real future and her own competence remains out of focus and out of reach.

(To be continued….)

Posted at 11:33:17 AM on March 3, 2008 | All postings by Gina Barreca

Comments

  1. “The toughest cookies I know are still far more fearful than their male counterparts”

    And how exactly do you know this? Through your magical powers of brain scanning?

    — Reader · Mar 3, 12:57 PM · #

  2. I don’t study feminist theory in depth, but I get the feeling that this article is out of date. I don’t know any women who cower like this. Maybe they exist, but probably no more so than men who are afraid of looking weak.

    Are women less likely to get a mammogram than men are to get a prostate exam?

    How about “People and Fear”? I’m a chemistry professor and I see a lot of students with a lot of fear and gender doesn’t seem to matter. I see just as many men who are afraid to try as I do women.

    — Joanne · Mar 3, 03:32 PM · #

  3. It seems to me a lot of people in the workplace are spayed and neutered when it comes to doing things right in the face of fear. Nuclear wars and other big evil plans ought to be frightening to people, but fear of embarrassment, reprimand, and reprisal seems to loom just as large in my line of work (secondary education). Everything has shrunk to the point that I think women AND men might be afraid that they will have to face life as women and men. I think it remains to be seen whether the future will bring out our peoples’ personalities; they may be a good chance that circumstances will do just that. It is always easier to be weak and take the path of least resistance than to do the hard thing and stand up to someone or something. When I think of my generation of men and women (most of us nearly 30 years old), I wonder whether the gender trends described in this article will hold true, and if they do, then do the women of my generation, living nice in the here and now, already know they can fall back on “feminine fears” if life turns up the heat? Do the men of my generation know they will be expected to be on point? Is it going to be true that male anger is just more useful in terms of meeting challenges? But how can any of these generalities be true enough? It seems to me that though hangovers from the genderizing we experienced in our growth as youngsters may still prove manifest at certain times, real individuals both male and female have made some kind of meaningful and actionable break from the older habits of being macho and being meek.

    — Luke Warm · Mar 3, 03:54 PM · #

  4. I’m intrigued by Joanne’s comment. Fear of trying seems a bit different than the (seemingly) omnipresent fear (at least in my little corner of academia) that one will be uncovered as a fake, one’s last successful paper/article/book was a fluke, that they’ll take back the MA, the PhD, the fellowship, the tenure-track appointment, because it was all a big mistake and they’ve figured you out, finally. Does the fact that my particular niche is predominantly inhabited by female academics have anything to do with this fear? (To demonstrate that I am not reading minds—in my first semester professional development seminar, my professor asked what our greatest anxiety about graduate work was. I volunteered the above mentioned set of fears and was met with a chorus of resounding “me too!”s.) Again, my class is (approximately?) 90% female, and from what I’ve managed to glean so far from my interaction with female academics who have “made it,” this fear does not seem to spontaneously evaporate once publication/tenure/accolades have been achieved.

    I’m curious, for the men reading, and for the academics residing in more male-dominated departments, do these same fears as predominant?

    Also, as a final note, just because a person is afraid does not mean that they are not successful, it does not mean that they are “cowering”; it just means that there is a dark proverbial underbelly to their success. Gina’s essay provokes the question—is this dark side characterized differently for successful men than it is for women?

    — m · Mar 3, 04:35 PM · #

  5. Edit for end of the day poor typing skills—“do these same fears as predominant?”

    Should be: are these same fears as predominant?

    — m · Mar 3, 04:38 PM · #

  6. Thanks for this – this is a helpful reminder and analysis.

    — corey · Mar 3, 06:31 PM · #

  7. Nice argument. I think there is more to women’s fear that the other commenters allow. Inherited or learned is not clear, but there is definitely a difference between MOST men’s response to a given situation than MOST women. Generalities of course, but common sense can be insightful.

    — Hi · Mar 3, 06:34 PM · #

  8. Fear naught, save being outside the will of God.

    — C Smith · Mar 3, 06:58 PM · #

  9. I’ve wondered about the relationship between a decade of fear, such as the forties where so many Western mothers and sisters were worried about sons and brothers deployed abroad, and the explosion a generation later of a decade of the naivete of “give peace a chance”. Seems to me that an extended period of pervasive fear would inevitably give rise to a reaction in the next generation, which grew up tugging at such apron strings.

    It’s also noteworthy that nine times out of ten the word “scary” comes from a female mouth. In and of itself this is neither surprising nor inappropriate, but one does have to wonder at the impact it has had since the advent of the Nineteenth Amendment, and whether FDR’s apparently permanently ensconced social welfare programs would have been possible without the enfranchisement of “fear”.

    — Erebus · Mar 3, 07:04 PM · #

  10. Some good points here on the female styles of fear. Men are a pretty fearful lot, too, although male culture encourages denial and aggression in place of admitting fear. Fear and cowardice is a good part of why men seek wealth and status, and engage is things like ‘pre-emptive’ wars against fourth-rate countries (using air power that kills civilians to avoid taking casualties, no less). The ladies are amateurs.

    — Ron · Mar 3, 08:41 PM · #

  11. You’re doing a bit of projecting, Ron.

    Ensuring that a brutal dictator or a criminal be held accountable for his acts does not equal fear.

    Now I’ll agree that those “fearful” women are rank amateurs compared to the cowardly boys you claim to represent, however I generally give women more credit than that.

    Women have far more reasons to worry than indolent boys like you ever will.

    — Dee · Mar 3, 09:44 PM · #

  12. It is said that we’re born with only two fears, falling and loud noises (the startle reflex). All other fears are learned, or perhaps more accurately, taught. Look at how women have been brainwashed to fear guns. 100 years ago, every little girl knew who Annie Oakley was, and more importantly, hoped to be just like her. Even up until the 1960’s more women participated in shooting sports, from hunting to target shooting to trap and skeet….than golfed!

    Today, virtually every movie and TV show portrays women (other than female police officers of course) as recoiling in horror at the mere sight of a gun. But as my female students (many of them formerly battered women) have proved, it really is possible to overcome your past, to trade fear and uncertainty for courage and self-confidence – I’ve had the privelege of seeing women of all ages do it countless times.

    — John Caile · Mar 3, 10:22 PM · #

  13. I do my share by taking an woman that will go with me to the range to learn how to shoot.

    — John Davies · Mar 3, 11:38 PM · #

  14. This rings true.

    — Paul · Mar 4, 05:19 AM · #

  15. Does a desire to be fearful underwrite, at least in part, the impulse to undergo male to female sex reassignment surgery? Or, are we just thinking about the passive subjects of the dominant discursive culture of (northeastern) US culture?

    — Jesse · Mar 4, 05:31 AM · #

  16. Hmmm. Does anyone see a trail of breadcrumbs behind us?

    — Luke Warm · Mar 4, 06:12 AM · #

  17. “women continue to want men who are older, more powerful, more intelligent and more ambitious than they are.”

    Ambition: I think one day you realize ambitious guys love something a lot more than the unambitious ones. If they can love something, they can love someone.

    And why is it wrong to want a guy who is intelligent? I’m not talking a degree here. Having a guy who can mentally keep up with you is great — otherwise you’ll wind up mighty bored at the dinner table for 40 freakin years (or you’ll wind up divorced).

    Older, uhhhh…maybe older guys are a little bit more ready to settle down. Men are amazingly practical. They don’t want a family until they can support one.

    More powerful…what the hell does this mean? Are we talking about the testosterone strength advantage? Sorry, I know too many guys above the million mark, and they all give a lot of credit to their wives.

    — Mama73 · Mar 4, 07:34 AM · #

  18. Guys just don’t have enough time or energy to worry the way women do; we got stuff to do and we’ve got to use our mental resources to get it done. The fearful women I’ve known, get lots of stuff done (some, like my ex-wife, get lots and LOTS of stuff done, along with plenty of accolades) but they don’t seem to find any satisfaction in their accomplishments… too worried about being “found out.” I think this is what drives some high-achieving women (again the ex-wife springs to mind) to narcissism, with all the trimmings. It’s exhausting and, for a guy, incomprehensible.
    Ron, you’re no guy, and I don’t think you understand us at all… We’re not driven by fear or cowardice, we simply don’t have enough mental energy to engage in the circumlocutory dance you’ve proposed for us. Just relax, have a beer, or a taco, watch some mindless TV or read some interesting blog… the world will be here tomorrow, as it was yesterday, and you’ll contribute your bit and it’ll all be OK.

    — jagcap · Mar 4, 07:36 AM · #

  19. I’ve read several articles this month that point out how these old gender stereotypes keep popping back up like a bad weed in the garden of our modern sensibilities. This is happening because they are true to our human nature, that they reflect a kind of natural law. The more we try to deny them, the more we create angry, mannish women and ineffectual, soft males. None of this does our society any good at all.

    — VonBerger · Mar 4, 08:09 AM · #

  20. VonBerger – I agree with you, but you didn’t have to wait until February 2008 to learn this particular truth. As was written long ago:
    4 One generation passeth away, and another generation cometh: but the earth abideth for ever. 5 The sun also ariseth, and the sun goeth down, and hasteth [1] to his place where he arose. 6 The wind goeth toward the south, and turneth about unto the north; it whirleth about continually, and the wind returneth again according to his circuits. 7 All the rivers run into the sea; yet the sea is not full; unto the place from whence the rivers come, thither they return [2] again. 8 All things are full of labour; man cannot utter it: the eye is not satisfied with seeing, nor the ear filled with hearing.

    9 The thing that hath been, it is that which shall be; and that which is done is that which shall be done: and there is no new thing under the sun. 10 Is there any thing whereof it may be said, See, this is new? it hath been already of old time, which was before us. 11 There is no remembrance of former things; neither shall there be any remembrance of things that are to come with those that shall come after.

    — jagcap · Mar 4, 08:22 AM · #

  21. Some curious comments. I’m surprised no one talked about religious fears—the ones I remember from growing up. Of course, fear sometimes metastasizes into phobia, like the urban woman who summered near UConn and wouldn’t go out the front door because she was scared to death of pine needles. Is that in the DSM?

    — Lee A. Jacobus · Mar 4, 09:19 AM · #

  22. Oh come on John #12: Today, virtually every movie and TV show portrays women (other than female police officers of course) as recoiling in horror at the mere sight of a gun.

    What tv are you watching. The trend of recent tv and film is to show women acting as the aggressive gun wielding saviours and vigilantes. Bionic Woman, Sarah Conner Chronicles, Brave…. And don’t get me started on how violence against men is justified in society based on contrived beliefs of fears in women. It is a regular staple of the Disney and Nickelodeon channels to show girls, perceiving a threat to their ego, authority or popularity to strike boys or threaten boys with harm. And this is called humor. Perhaps we could add to the author’s presentation the role of humor in how we demonstrate fear/insecruity.

    — hhgonzo · Mar 4, 09:44 AM · #

  23. And all those physicists say time travel is impossible! And no wonder — they seem to think that time travel would require data and technology and the like. Silly men. All you really need to do is fixate on “Leave it to Beaver” stereotypes left over from the 50s, ignore the last 50 or 60 years and you too can live in a fantasy world richer than anything Tolkien invented.

    Seriously, how can anyone posit in any supposedly serious forum than something close to 50% of the population knows no fear? Does that even sound right? Much less is there any shred of evidence that men don’t feel fear or that women are so overcome with fear as to stunt normal emotional wellbeing. Do you know anyone like that? Have you ever seen a girls’ high school soccer game? Seen any emotional cripples on the field? Or are you more likely to see a team shirt with a motto such as “We bust ours so we can kick yours!” (True story!)

    There might well be an interesting, not to say data based, discussion here about gender specific tendencies in manifesting fear. But unfortunately this is not it.

    — joe · Mar 4, 09:55 AM · #

  24. “The toughest cookies I know are still far more fearful than their male counterparts; the most apparently invincible woman is, I would argue, beset by wild and remarkable anxieties.”

    Speak for yourself, sweetpea.

    — SFC Cheryl McElroy US ARMY (RET) · Mar 4, 12:43 PM · #

  25. Sorry, but women choosing males who “rank” above them (all else being equal) demonstrates that they are wiser than men, or at least better negotiators, not in any way inferior to them!

    — b · Mar 4, 01:26 PM · #

  26. My first thought was to point out that men are more fearful of doctors than women, but Joanne beat me to it.
    My second thought is to note that it may not be a difference in how men and women feel fear, but a difference in whether they show it. I have done some incredibly terrifying things (accusing my boss of sexual harassment, for which I was, predictably, fired), and I wasn’t shy about admitting that I was terrified before and during the process. The name I give to the combination of feeling afraid but acting anyway is courage. I have known men in the same and similar situations who showed admirable bravado, but did nothing. That is cowardice. (But I have also known brave men and cowardly women.)
    Anyway, my fear doesn’t hold me down, which really makes a mess of my dating life. If I ever paint all men with the same brush, it is on this issue: no man wants a woman who doesn’t need a hero.

    — Sher · Mar 4, 07:56 PM · #

  27. Fear? Of course it’s gendered. I graduated from an Ivy League school a few years ago where more then half of my friends were sexually assaulted. I stay up half the night worrying about about my best friend whose boyfriend is currently beating her, but she won’t leave him. I know I make 71 cents to every dollar a man makes (this varies by state) regardless of what my degree says. I want to have babies at some point but I am afraid that won’t happen unless I fly from grad. school to the tenure track, and oh yeah, while I’m doing that I have to look good and go to parties and be interesting so that the man of my dreams doesn’t go home with that other girl in my program. I am afraid for my physical safety when I walk home a little too late and the streets are empty and the man behind me might be following me…. I am afraid when I travel, and a strange man sits down at my table in a cafe where I just want to read my book in peace. Sure, men share some of these fears. But do any of you really think it’s a level playing field? Just cause some girls wear saucy soccer tee shirts and television represents women in a certain way? Come on.

    — RJM · Mar 5, 05:08 AM · #

  28. I am very interested to know what provoked this entry by Barreca. I am currently experiencing a profound culture of fear at my own institution, a women’s college. A feeling of low-level, ongoing panic has been attributed by some of my colleagues to being a community of women embattled by the world (and the Roman Catholic Church). I get that, but I don’t get the willingess to capitulate to that fear. I am a woman, and I refuse to live my life in a state of willing, persistent anxiety. I think there are lots of us like me this way, and yet it is true that many of us embrace fearfulness. It is disconcerting when one bumps up against the other. I wonder what has recently “bumped up” against Barreca?

    — Bible Spice · Mar 6, 10:27 AM · #

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