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About the Author
Gina Barreca is a professor of English and feminist theory at the University of Connecticut. Her books include They Used to Call Me Snow White, but I Drifted; Perfect Husbands and Other Fairy Tales; Babes in Boyland; and, with Gene Weingarten of The Washington Post, I'm With Stupid. She's written or edited other books on vice, Victorians and sex, American humor, the erotics of instruction, The Sopranos, women's humor, and Italian-American literature. She will blog about teaching, sex, humor, money, publishing, ambition, books, marriage, envy (professional and personal), politics (professional and personal), aging, and cartoons.
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Recent Posts
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What I Did (and Did Not) Say ... | Comment [8]
Featured Articles By the Author
What Would YOU Write on Those Tiny Slips of Paper?
Fortune cookies are one of the great gifts in life.
Unfortunately, many fortune cookies are now of the bland “Life is kind if you are kind” variety which, although well-meaning, have as little clout as saying “eeny-meeny-miny-moe” when you’re trying to make life-altering decisions.
And yes, since you ask, I DO base life-altering decisions on what I read in my fortune cookies. I still have the curled slip of pink paper I found in a cookie in 1987 saying “Trust Him but Keep Your Eyes Open.”
We need more of these.
In keeping with this spirit, I’d like to suggest the following good fortunes for ALL of us, and I would love to know what wishes you’d add:
You will always find a parking space
There will always be a replacement bulb (of the correct wattage) when you need one
No telephone solicitor will ever call your house at dinner
The person on whom you have a secret crush has a secret crush on you
You will always have excellent weather on your days off
All your students will be smart
You will find a gas station where 93 octane is under four dollars
You will never lose one sock
Your shoe laces will never accidentally become untied
All the books you request are available
You will always have exactly the right fresh herb for your favorite recipe
The check really is in the mail
You will never stub your toe
They have it in your size and your color — and it’s on sale
All your flights will be smooth and all your landings will be safe
The artificial flowers you purchase will always look real
Your printer will never run out of ink on the middle of a big project
You will never have food stuck between your teeth
The bus you miss is merely the first of five that will immediately follow
You will always wake up a few minutes before the alarm goes off
You will like your job and enjoy your work
All bathing suits you try on will be flattering
You will never itch where you can’t scratch
The only phone calls you receive after 11 p.m. will convey good news
Your cats will figure out how to clean their own litter boxes
Newspapers will contain coupons only for items you wish to purchase
Your cereal will never get soggy
Hummingbirds will adore your geraniums
Your zippers will always zip freely and never get caught on fabric
There will never again be a line at the copy machine
The person you love best will always delight in your sense of humor
Batteries will always be included
All your nonstick pans will remain nonstick
All your calls will be returned
Your hard drive will never crash
You will always pay your bills in full and on time
You will always remember to turn off the stove — and always remember that you DID remember and never have to double-check
When it rains, your windows will never be open
No guest will spill food on your best tablecloth
Neither your hands nor your feet will ever be cold
Having heard of your accomplishments, your high school will name its highest award after you and in your honor
Everyone wishes to be your friend
The person you yearned for in high school remembers you with great, if unspoken, affection and longing
Birds will sing outside your window
Your haircuts will always be better than you could have imagined
Your clever ideas will inspire those around you
Your fish will learn to wave their fins to greet you — they will do this out of love and respect
A restaurant manager will soon say, “Please, order what you like, the
dessert is on me”
(Image from Photobucket.com)
Comments
Commenting is closed for this article.
Just because you have one, doesn’t mean you have to be one.
— Joe Erwin · Jul 20, 07:50 PM · #
I’m not sure what it will say – BUT it must make you laugh or get really embarrassed when you put “In Bed” at the end of it. It works pretty well with your classic 1987 fortune.
— stevenb · Jul 20, 08:20 PM · #
“Your department secretaries will always prefer you above all your colleagues.”
— Nancy · Jul 20, 08:58 PM · #
I once received a fortune that read, “You are doomed to be happy in wedlock.”
— sarah · Jul 21, 08:15 AM · #
My favorite ever received read: “You will soon inherit a fortune (cookie).”
— E · Jul 21, 08:46 AM · #
Hated this one “Your friends know when you are false”
— olsen · Jul 21, 09:59 AM · #
“Everyone understands that you’re doing the best you can.” Sigh.
— AK · Jul 21, 11:42 AM · #
Be careful what you wish for.
Your teenage daughter will treat you with dignity and respect.
Just because your teenager comes home on time does not mean he was where he should have been.
— Dr CW · Jul 21, 12:30 PM · #
Nice one, Mr. Erwin!
— PK · Jul 21, 02:35 PM · #
The best one I’ve ever received is “A nice cake is waiting for you” followed closely by “An attractive woman has a message for you”
Neither provided much guidance for life-changing decisions, but perhaps I wasn’t paying attention at the time
— bgo · Jul 21, 11:16 PM · #
This is my most unusual fortune—‘Learn To Take A Hint.’ I am not sure what it means but it seems like good advice and I’ve been searching for hints ever since.
— John J. · Jul 22, 10:27 AM · #
“Your cats will figure out how to clean their own litter boxes”… HA HA! Can we change that to pug, just for me?! ; )
— Nina Lomando-Grigoreas · Jul 22, 10:39 AM · #
This one has puzzled me for a while: “Never have willful real estate.”
— Emile Discard · Jul 22, 11:26 AM · #
Thanks, PK. Another of my favorites is:
“There are only two kinds of people:
those who think there are only two kinds of people,
and those who don’t.”
Thank might not fit…. Oh well.
— Joe Erwin · Jul 22, 12:24 PM · #
“All your dreams will come true”
This was unfortunate, however, as I was having a pretty crap-tastic week of bad dreams. I basically feared desertion and being eaten alive by aliens for a month.
And if I ever have dinner at your place Gina I will try hard not to spill red wine on your best table cloth…I will be sure to spill only on your best carpet.)
— Hannah · Jul 22, 02:05 PM · #
You manage to pick a seat in class without a “dick on the desk” :)
— Caitlin · Jul 22, 02:25 PM · #
Love it! My favorite fortune came during a bout of end-of-term paper writing:
“you can’t learn less”
i must respectfully disagree…
— melissa nyc · Jul 22, 04:49 PM · #
you know better than to believe a note to a stranger will alter destiny
— JESSIE · Jul 22, 10:25 PM · #
Before you complain, remember that you could be working as a roofer.
— Bystander · Jul 23, 07:44 AM · #
-Your Ikea furniture assembly diagrams will make sense to you.
-The CDs you buy will have an easy-open tab on the shrink wrap.
-Your good knives will never need sharpening. (oh how I wish!)
-Cars will always see you on your bike (and want to stop for you!)…(if only!)
— laura david · Jul 26, 12:09 PM · #
A friend of mine has gotten “You are the guiding light of his existence,” several times, which makes her happy. Mutual female friends and I try to remain straight-faced, since she seems to be the only one who doesn’t realize how many other lights into which he has guided (or attempted to guide) his existence.
— Kellan · Aug 10, 03:07 PM · #