First Person

How to Write a First Person Essay

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By Miriam Elizabeth Burstein

While The Chronicle has printed its share of worthy essays in its "First Person" series, there is nevertheless a certain type of essay -- melancholy, sulky, or otherwise gloomy -- that frequently elicits strong reactions of a not altogether positive nature.

It recently occurred to me that we could save future First Person essayists considerable time and effort by supplying an easy-to-follow guide. For example:

1. I am:

___ writing under a clever pseudonym.

___ writing under an uninspired pseudonym.

___ using my own name.

2. At present, I am:

___ tenured, unfortunately, at a wonderful college.

___ tenured, unfortunately, at the campus from hell.

___ tenured, unfortunately, at an institution that fails to appreciate my scintillating qualities.

___ untenured, unfortunately, at a wonderful college.

___ untenured, unfortunately, at the campus from hell.

___ untenured, unfortunately, at an institution that fails to appreciate my scintillating qualities.

___ a much put-upon administrator.

___ a recently fired (without cause!) administrator.

3. I'm terribly, terribly unhappy, because:

___ I thought life after tenure would be bliss, and it's just the same-old, same-old.

___ my colleagues fail to appreciate my scintillating qualities.

___ there is a poststructuralist/Marxist/cultural materialist/New Historicist/Lacanian/deconstructionist/other in my department.

___ there isn't a poststructuralist/Marxist/cultural materialist/New Historicist/Lacanian/ deconstructionist/other in my department.

___ there are politics! In academe!

___ if I had been born 50 years ago, there would have been no politics! In academe!

___ if I had been born 50 years ago, there would have been my kind of politics! In academe!

___ academic work isn't all about Twoo Wuv for your subject.

___ people are so mean to me.

___ students don't appreciate all the effort I put into teaching them.

4. I can prove that what I say is true, because:

___ I have personal anecdotes.

___ I'm going to reveal confidential data from job searches and personnel decisions.

___ The Chronicle published this essay, and therefore it must be true.

5. Blogging is:

___ a sign of the imminent apocalypse.

___ not done by trustworthy people.

___ not done by employable people.

___ . . . what is a blog?

6. Everything would be so much better if:

___ someone granted me an endowed chair at a research university with a 2-2 load.

___ I gave up tenure to farm sheep in New Zealand.

___ everybody published scholarship of interest to me.

___ being in graduate school was all about Twoo Wuv.

___ students were really interested in the Meaning of Life.

7. But none of this will happen, because:

___ I'm not politically correct.

___ sheep give me hives.

___ nobody cares about academics like me.

___ graduate school is all about politics!

___ students these days just can't appreciate the Sheer Joy of Learning.

8. Still, at least I can tell you that the Little Professor will be invited to write an essay for The Chronicle when:

___ pigs fly.

___ cats obey orders.

___ professors in the English department make more money than professors in the business department.