Ms. Mentor

No Girls Allowed

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Question (from "Seymour"): After starting as the only male doctoral student in human ecology, I was pleased to welcome a new male student my second year, as well as two in a closely related department. When the four of us found ourselves in a class together, a "boys' night out" was suggested. After that night, we agreed we'd like to get together more often and perhaps invite some of our male faculty members. We envisioned a support network for men in women-dominated professions. But one professor has warned us against cutting ourselves off from the career advice and networking that we could have with women. Is it inappropriate for men to try to network with men?

Answer: Ms. Mentor finds the term "inappropriate" irksome. Does it mean rude? Tacky? Felonious? What you mean is simpler: "Will we get stung professionally if we hang out with each other instead of with the powerful women?"

Well, you may. Ms. Mentor hopes that her faithful readers, by this point, have noticed that the original question is a little curious, in an I-can't-quite-put-my-finger-on-it way.

For wily Ms. Mentor has played a trick on her readers. She has switched the genders.

The original letter was from "Sadie," a graduate business student wondering if an occasional "girls' night out" would seem offensive and "exclusionary" to her male professors and colleagues. While she values the wisdom of older women, and the camaraderie among her female peers, Sadie knows that male-only gatherings keep women from needed knowledge, power, and networking. Sadie worries that she's become "a gender hypocrite."

But Ms. Mentor, in her perfect wisdom, recognizes Sadie's true questions: May we associate with whom we choose? And what difference does it make?

Ms. Mentor assures Sadie and Seymour (who, she feels sure, is out there somewhere) that choosing their friends is their own business, and they may use any criteria they like, including beverage preferences and body piercings -- although if Sadie and Seymour attend conservative business or medical schools, they may prefer to meet their Goth friends off campus, away from judging professorial eyes.

A well-behaved night out with one's classmates strikes Ms. Mentor as a good and harmless diversion, and more relaxing than awkward efforts to include faculty members of the same sex (although unwary assistant professors can be great purveyors of gossip).

What is sticky are the seemingly social events that are really networking -- such as the men's clubs in the nonacademic world that claim they are not for business and are entitled to keep out whole groups, such as women or people of color or Jews. Yet somehow the members of such clubs find ways to steer business opportunities toward one another -- and away from the people they do not see in the club bar.

That is discrimination, whether practiced in faculty clubs or on Georgia golf courses or in a secluded orange grove in California where U.S. government movers and shakers reportedly wear dresses and urinate against trees ("Wee wee and tutu," says columnist Ellen Goodman). Those all-male frolics at the Bohemian Grove have reportedly been attended by some academics.

Ms. Mentor doubts that Sadie or Seymour will ever be invited to such tacky bashes -- but what of same-sex social gatherings within their departments, their colleges, their disciplines? If those involve mentoring, or research information, or national conferences or teaching upper-level courses -- then those gatherings are meetings, and should be open to all.

In fact, "Luke," a department head at Big Ten U., once asked his male faculty members to dissolve their poker club, because it excluded women. They complied -- or said they did.

Which brings Ms. Mentor back to her original correspondent who wants "support" from her colleagues. The ethic of care, of reciprocity and responsibility for others, is more common among women -- as is openly worrying about what others think. Men do seem to find it easier to be career-driven, pursuing a single-minded individual path to success. (Knowing that some readers are already preparing angry ripostes -- which she receives whenever she discusses sex roles -- Ms. Mentor suggests those readers look into research by Mary Field Belenky, Carol Gilligan, Deborah Tannen, and others.)

Ms. Mentor's thoughtful readers will also benefit from Crossing, a memoir by the only individual who has been an academic man and an academic woman. Deirdre McCloskey, the Chicago economist who used to be Donald McCloskey, now has many confidantes and supporters. She finds that when she's in an all-male academic group, what she says is often ignored -- and then embraced when "Harvey" makes the same point a few minutes later. "Wonderful," Deirdre thought the first time, "they're treating me like a woman." But the thrill faded quickly.

While same-sex groups can be comfortable -- we know our places -- Ms. Mentor emphasizes that male groups often have social and economic privilege, as do white groups and rich ones. When women or people of color or poor people meet separately, they're enriching and consoling one another, strengthening themselves to deal with the powerful. When the powerful meet separately, it is often a conspiracy.

Meanwhile, the thrills that academe offers -- the opening of minds, the pursuit of knowledge, the laughter and tears and Aha! moments -- should also be open to all. That is the appropriate behavior for everyone in Ms. Mentor's reading area.

Question: As a new administrator, I'm stunned by tenured colleagues who are not only irascible, but also narcissistic, brutal, and wacky. Do these people write to Ms. Mentor?

Answer: Frequently.

SAGE READERS: Last month's column about whether a graduate student should be allowed to hire an editor to help write her dissertation provoked dozens of well-written reader responses. Readers agree on the ethics of hiring a proofreader (acceptable) or using a ghostwriter (vile and fraudulent). Editors may shape, question, and teach, but should not be creating an argument or calling for more research -- yet some editors confessed to doing just that. A few correspondents said that hiring an editor for one's dissertation, and paying the editor out of one's own pocket, was the accepted thing at their institutions.

Ms. Mentor sighs and wonders what Ph.D.-producing professors are doing to earn their own salaries.

As always, Ms. Mentor invites queries from eager, irate, or tense readers. Gossip and rants are welcome, and anonymity is guaranteed. Ms. Mentor rarely answers letters personally, and will not do the research that you should do yourself -- about requirements for Ph.D. programs, or the odds of getting a tenure-track job (less than 40 percent in English, for instance). She prefers to expose the peculiarities of academic culture and reveal hidden beauties and pathologies.