First Person

A Cheating Heart

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By Jeffrey L. Rollins

I have always had a wandering eye, and now it seems I have a cheating heart as well.

There aren't any real problems per se in my relationship. We've been together now for three years and there's a healthy amount of mutual respect and satisfaction. We spend nearly every day together, and as far as I can recall we've never been cross with one another.

However, the closer we get to a this-is-really-for-the-rest-of-your-life type of a commitment, the more I start wondering if I am missing out on something more exciting, something more fulfilling somewhere else. I find myself thinking, "Am I settling?" and "Could I do better?"

As long as we've been together, I have casually looked at others and made comparisons, but I haven't been covetous or really thought about straying. I've been told that thinking about being with another is natural -- even healthy -- and nothing to be ashamed of. But recently my thoughts have grown to be more than just curious. I have realized that I am beyond just looking, and I have finally decided that I am going to act on my feelings and see what sort of attention I can attract.

My wife has been more than understanding when we have talked about those feelings. With her support and encouragement, I am looking for a new job this fall.

For young faculty members on the tenure track, the relationship metaphor is not an overstatement. The pretenure period in an academic relationship (between a scholar and a department) takes on the character of a modern romance in many ways.

First is the matter of meeting that special someone, which in most academic relationships begins in the worst possible manner: an online personal ad. Certainly, sometimes there is a third party who works the introductions ("You'd be a perfect match for my friend, Midsize State University. She's got a great personality!"). But more often the ad is placed by a "desperately seeking" department and pounced upon by dozens, if not hundreds, of "desperately wanting to be sought after" scholars.

After potential suitors are evaluated from afar and whittled down to a select few, there are a handful of dates in the whirlwind courtship ("Why don't you come up and stay with us for a couple of days?"), with wining and dining and all parties on their best behavior. Finally, the department gets down on one knee and pops the question to Dr. Maybe Right.

When the proposal is accepted, the scholar and the department enter a period that isn't all that different from a lengthy engagement. Both parties have declared their intention to be together for the future (a true prenup contract), and thus begins a period of none-too-subtle evaluation on both ends.

The department asks itself, "Is this scholar worth a commitment that will last the rest of his professional life?" as the scholar wonders, "Is this institution the place I want to play out the rest of my career?"

For both parties to be certain, the courtship is played out over six years or so, giving each the chance to back out before the nuptials ("till death/retirement do us part"). Nervousness builds as the big day approaches (more so on one end than the other, but whoever said relationships were completely even?).

Breakups on the way to the altar can be painful and acrimonious, especially if the decision to split is unilateral. The lengthy engagement period is intended to ensure that marriage between department and scholar is mutually fulfilling for the long haul.

I now find myself halfway to tenure, or halfway down the aisle, and wondering if I have found the right place to spend the rest of my professional life.

It is my first tenure-track job and I am without major complaint. I passed my first pretenure review with flying colors. Teaching is emphasized as we are a primarily undergraduate institution, and I have proved to be at least capable, sometimes entertaining, occasionally inspiring, and potentially worth the three-decade-long commitment.

Despite the fact that I have almost completely changed the direction of my research program in the past three years, all is well on the scholarship front, too. My students are getting into graduate schools or finding the type of employment they desire, and we are getting our research published.

I fit in here, and I am ...

Comfortable. Yes, the rush and thrill of the early courtship have worn off, but I am happy and productive, and clearly headed down the path to tying the tenure knot.

Though it's all smiles on the surface, little questions have started popping up, like, Am I being paid what I am worth? I didn't know the first thing about negotiating a salary when I took the position, and a new job might give me the chance to land a higher base salary at a place with better prospects for growth.

Is this really where I want to live and raise my family? My wife and kids and I have all found a place in our community, but we are originally from the Southeast, an entire geographic region removed from where we now make our home. We miss the Southern Appalachian Mountains and the beaches. We are a solid daylong drive to visit family, and that trip gets old awfully quick.

Is this the kind of career I want to have? Several years ago I decided that I would be most at home working with undergraduates, which determined where I looked for jobs my first time out. While teaching and doing research with undergraduates are certainly rewarding, every once in a while I feel stifled and wish I could work with the students a little bit longer, invest a bit more in them, and get a bit more out of them. Maybe a university with a master's program would be more satisfying to me in the long term.

Those little questions are valid and need to be entertained, but just thinking about applying for jobs elsewhere fills me with pangs of infidelity.

When a colleague left for another job during my first year on the faculty here, I remember feeling rejected-by-association. I thought, "Hey, this is a great place, isn't it? Why are you leaving? What's wrong with us?!"

There is a colleague in my department who was hired on the same search that brought me here. Coming in at the same time forged a bond between us, and I feel like I would be walking out on her if I left at this point. Worse, I think of the colleagues that I helped recruit when our department was "desperately seeking" a couple of years ago. I spent more than a little bit of time convincing those people -- who now have become my good friends -- that ours was a great university, a wonderful place to work and teach. To leave now would seem a bit disingenuous, a bit of the old bait and switch.

There are the considerable time and energy I have devoted to new courses, a curricular revision, a new research project, and community outreach, and the many students with whom I have built strong relationships.

When it comes down to it, I am a modern relationship cliché. I am the guy who looks forward to being married, but is getting cold feet. I am clearly attracted to and emotionally invested in my betrothed, but I have begun to wonder if this is really "the one."

And while I try to figure out if this is the face I want to wake up to every morning for the rest of my life, I have started to read the personal ads again, a little more than curious, ready to flirt a bit and perhaps take one more fling. You know, just to be sure.