Beyond the Ivory Tower

Dizzy With Alternate Careers

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By Al Campbell

For a Ph.D. contemplating the treacherous academic job market, the thought of an alternate career can provide a ray of hope, a pleasant diversion, or even a first step toward a fulfilling and unexpected life's work.

Thoughts of nonacademic careers can also breed like rabbits, till there are so many possibilities that dizziness, nausea, and blurred vision ensue. To paraphrase Joss Whedon, the creator of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, if I were any more open-minded about careers, my brain would fall out.

Since long before I completed my Ph.D. in English (a blessed event that happened last year), it has been obvious to me that a typical academic career was not in the cards, mostly because academic prose seems to be the one type of writing I can't get myself to do, no matter the topic. Fortunately, my dissertation was an exception, albeit a painful one, to this rule.

Unfortunately, I'm almost equally as dissatisfied with typical academic teaching. I can do a good job in the classroom, but I just don't have a passion for it, and I'm sure I'll need more passion than Pepé Le Pew to climb over the hordes of CV-wielding applicants who desperately want -- and are better suited for -- traditional academic jobs.

You see, I've come to accept this truth: Academically, I suck. And my continuing preference for phrases like, "academically, I suck," doesn't hold much promise for footnotes (or tenure) in my future.

What follows are 15 careers I have considered, explored, or worried about in the past two years, as I have finished my dissertation, laid an egg on the academic job market, and somehow paid the rent most of the time.

(Warning: Those of you suffering from similar indecision may want to stop reading now. Or maybe you should keep going. Maybe my continent-sized confusion will make your own seem like something you could keep in a small traveling cage.)

Columnist: For two years, I was a weekly columnist for my college newspaper, writing about music, books, personal experiences, the moon falling on California, and whatever else came to mind. I had incredible freedom, and I loved the job. Of course, who wouldn't? Sadly, a job as a columnist is probably even more difficult to get than an academic job, since a) I am totally out of the journalism loop, and b) columnists tend to hold onto their positions longer than Supreme Court justices.

Sportswriter: Well, I love basketball. I've written a few articles about the NBA this year, and I have a wide and random knowledge of all sports that I've inherited from my dad. Unfortunately, I probably don't have quite the expertise needed, unless I spend six hours a day watching ESPN starting now and ending a few generations after my death.

Reviewer: Like sportswriting, this job would be more fun than a frog in a glass of milk. Like sportswriting, I am probably too ill-informed about the history of movies, music, theater, or anything else to do a good job. But I can write mean-spirited dismissals of movies, based on watching them or just reading their titles. For example: "Whoever titled One Hour Photo was an optimist, as I could sit through no more than 35 minutes of this predictable, slow epitaph to Robin Williams's career." But is this a promising start to my career?

Proofreader: I used to proofread ads for a little newspaper during the summer, until I got fired for making a mistake that cost the newspaper $40,000. Moving right along ...

Creative copywriter: Last year, I had a part-time job writing marketing copy for the university where I received my Ph.D. I enjoyed writing blurbs, slogans, and catchphrases for all sorts of university programs, particularly amazing research initiatives that developed new stroke treatments and earthquake-proof building designs. These life-saving efforts felt especially worthy in comparison to my own field of English, which sometimes seems to be devoted to projects like, "Mickey Mouse and Freud: A Holistic, Problematic Paradigm (or Something)."

But, though I enjoyed beating the drum for projects that genuinely benefited humanity, I kind of liked writing ad copy for just about anything; it didn't really matter what the anything was. I'm pretty sure I could come up with catchy ways to sell tasty beverages, cannibalistic restaurants, or even straight-up evil. Of course, I'd be happier schlepping the virtues of things that are actually virtuous, but I'm glad to have some talents that might have wider and more lucrative applications.

Humorist: Humor has been the common denominator of all the types of writing I have ever enjoyed. Unfortunately, I have no idea how to become a professional humorist. Should I write for television, a magazine, a comedian? Or should I become a comedian? And why do most of my Plan B's sound even more precarious and ridiculous than the daunting and ulcer-inducing academic careers I'm trying to escape?

Teaching artist: This is a job I've actually been doing for three years. I work with kids from preschool through high-school age, teaching poetry, juggling, theater games, and other activities. The work is fun and the pay is, well, also pretty fun, but I dislike the rampant uncertainties, particularly: nonprofit organizations that are as broke as I am and untaxed paychecks that come back to haunt me like strange and frightening apparitions, bringing dire portents and a big bill from the U.S. government.

Counselor: I love giving people advice, and I don't let lack of knowledge, perspective, or humility get in my way, so I would probably enjoy being a counselor. However, this would entail going to more school, and since I have been a student for approximately 900 of my 31 years, I can only say "a big bucket of no" to counseling.

Public-school teacher: See previous entry regarding "more school" and "a bottomless cup of no."

Private-school teacher: I have thought about this option quite a bit, and I haven't been able to dismiss it because I love working with kids, and private schools don't require certification or an education degree. I do fear the intense commitment that private schools demand from their teachers, and since I already have one obsession (writing), I dread taking on another.

Grant writer: I don't know anything about writing grant applications or proposals, but I like writing and I'm often asking people for money, whether I like it or not. This could be a natural fit, a money-making juggernaut, or a pipe dream.

Adult educator/mentor: This, I think, (I hope), is where my future lies. I have a part-time position at an adult-oriented college that takes one-on-one teaching as its foundation. I love the teaching situation and the students, and there is actually precedent for part-timers to move up in the ranks at the college -- even the current dean began with the same meager position as mine. I may have found my future happy home (and happy meal ticket), but since nothing is promised or certain, I don't want to put all my legs in one casket.

Writing center administrator: As part of my adult-educator position, I'm helping to start a writing center. Since my apathy for the classroom is matched by an enthusiasm for working with students one-on-one, I'm interested in pursuing both mentor work and tutoring as much as I can. If the mentor gig doesn't work out, perhaps tutoring, or training tutors, will.

Consultant: This is a frequently suggested alternate career for academics. Since I love to advise, and I would probably enjoy giving counsel, I might like consulting. Unfortunately, I have no idea what a consultant does or how consultants come to be. Are they born or made? Hatched or cloned? Yes, I'm reaching here.

Street performer: I can't eat fire, ride a unicycle, or balance a spatula on my nose, but I'm a very good juggler. I'm not quite at a professional level, but I can hold my own (five of my own in fact), and I can do tricky moves like a cross-armed, brain-melting, wrist-shattering, four-ball Mills Mess. If not one of the above careers comes to pass, and I become truly jobless, homeless, and hopeless, I will at least have a leg up on my peers because I will be throwing balls under it shamelessly.