First Person

Skipping Maternity Leave to Teach

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By Jeanne S. Zaino

It's been 69 days since I have had an uninterrupted night of sleep, so if I sound a little punchy, you'll know why. Actually, it is almost midnight as I write this, so make that 70.

I know I am not alone. My husband is in the same boat, as are most people who have had babies in the last few months. I say most because I am certain there are a few newborns out there who are already sleeping through the night in order to give their lucky parents a break. If this is true in your case, please keep it to yourself.

Everyone tells new parents to sleep when the baby sleeps. For the first three weeks after Logan was born I took their advice and it seemed to work. I was able to squeeze in enough sleep during the day while he was napping to combat the fatigue. That ended, however, as soon as the spring semester began.

As I mentioned in my previous column, I decided early on not to take maternity leave, opting instead to return to campus when Logan was 3 weeks old. I did so because, as a newly hired assistant professor, I couldn't imagine missing 12 weeks of work in my first year on the tenure track.

Returning to work in my case meant resuming a normal teaching load -- four classes and an honors colloquium -- as well as advising students and attending to as much committee and departmental work as is expected of a first-year faculty member.

I haven't had enough distance (or sleep) to get any perspective on how well it's going. In fact, I am not sure that it will be possible for me to draw any conclusions regarding my decision to forgo maternity leave for several years. After all, from a professional standpoint, the primary question is: What effect does the decision to have a family have on your career and, more specifically, on your ability to win tenure? Obviously it is too soon for me to answer that.

A recent study in Academe, the magazine of the American Association of University Professors, examined family formation and its effect on the lives of academics. Aptly titled "Do Babies Matter?" the study found that yes, "they matter a great deal." As the authors -- Mary Ann Mason and Marc Goulden -- report, "There is a consistent and large gap in achieving tenure between women who have early babies and men who have early babies, and this gap is surprisingly uniform across the disciplines and across types of institutions."

I have come to find out that I am just one of several women who have decided to forgo leave at least partially in an attempt to beat these odds. In saying that, I want to be very careful not to give the impression that women should not take advantage of maternity leave or that giving up the right to take leave is something that will work for everyone. I can't even say at this point if it has worked for me.

I decided to forgo leave for four reasons, all of which were beyond my control: timing, family, my schedule, and the college community.

Although we didn't plan it, Logan was born at the beginning of winter break, giving me just enough time to recover physically before returning for the spring semester.

In addition to timing, another key factor that enabled me to return to work so quickly was the help and support of family. My husband, a lawyer in the nonprofit sector, has assumed more than 50 percent of the family load. We both agree, however, that without "GG," none of this would be remotely possible. GG (short for great grandma) is my husband's 84-year-old grandmother -- a woman with more energy than both of us put together who agreed to leave her friends and family in Michigan and come to New York for the semester, live in our small apartment, and help take care of the baby.

Finally, my department was able to arrange my schedule so that all of my teaching duties fall on three days each week, giving me great flexibility. That schedule and the amount of moral support I have received from everyone on campus has helped make this transition much easier.

Easier, but certainly not easy. Beyond the lack of sleep, there is the lack of time. Forget trying to find an appropriate balance between work and family, I am just struggling to stay afloat. While I expected breast-feeding to be an adjustment and tried to plan accordingly, it remains one of the greatest challenges. The desire (or what some people have called pressure) to breast-feed is enormous these days. The science regarding the positive impact that it has on both mother and child seems indisputable at this point. Not to mention the fact that the cost of formula is prohibitive.

For a working mother, however, breast-feeding can be something of a challenge. Early on, several colleagues recommended purchasing a particular breast pump that, while expensive, is said to be the best on the market. I made the investment and am glad I did because it is much better than any of the others I've tried. As good as the pump is, however, I still detest the whole process of expressing milk for several reasons that you will be thrilled to know I am not going to get into here. I keep telling myself to just take it day by day and hang in there as long as I can. At first I thought I might not make it six weeks, but to my surprise I did manage to surpass that mark and plan, at the moment, to persevere as long as I can.

Emotionally, of course, it has been terribly difficult to leave a baby at such a young age. I have had periods of tremendous guilt and spent plenty of time wondering whether I am doing the right thing.

On the positive side, there have also been a few moments in the classroom that have helped convince me that I did make the right decision. One, for instance, occurred in the context of a discussion on totalitarianism and the Holocaust. It was one of those rare, almost magical moments when almost every student in the room seemed engaged in and moved by the material. Another was during a structured, in-class debate on the war with Iraq when the students spoke eloquently about their views, hopes, and fears.

These are the moments that I try to recall on the more difficult days, because it is in these moments that I remember why I wanted to teach in the first place and how important it is. Someday I hope Logan will be able to understand, if not appreciate, that too. For now, however, his primary interest is his 5 a.m. feeding. Since I hear him beckoning I am going to get going and maybe try to squeeze in a few hours sleep before I have to prepare for the day's lectures.