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Author Topic: Is it okay to end things with your long term SO during sabbatical?  (Read 6325 times)
prof_smartypants
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You're getting hosed by small minds with no game.


« Reply #15 on: November 19, 2012, 9:28:31 AM »

Yes.
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macaroon
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« Reply #16 on: November 19, 2012, 9:57:54 AM »

Are you asking because it has already happened to you and you want us to say it's bad manners? That's your big concern? Or are you really asking before the fact? So that if we all concur that it's bad manners, you won't do it? What are you looking for, here?
I can judge the ethics on my own. I would like to know if it is patterned behavior.

Yep, you can judge the ethics on your own.  So can we, because you invited us to do so.  

My mom was dumped by my dad after she supported him through med. school. Once he was a full-fledged MD, he left her.  She's still bitter because she feels he stole a decade of her life.  



Yes, it is a pattern, but not just in academia.  Ambitious men grow bored with women that serve them, I'm afraid, and toss them over when it is convenient for them or when they get caught cheating.   This is what happened to about a third of my female relatives - really, it happened to all of them that decided to "stay home" with the children.  

IMO, though - it's not "okay" to end it without giving counseling the college try. 
« Last Edit: November 19, 2012, 10:00:53 AM by macaroon » Logged
busyslinky
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« Reply #17 on: November 19, 2012, 10:13:01 AM »

Yes, I only dump my longterm SO's during sabbaticals.  That way I can find another longterm SO since I am free to do so. 

To receive a sabbatical at our institution, we have to put in sabbatical requests.  One of my bullet points is that I need sabbaticals to drop my long-term (usually about six years) SO and to research and find another longterm SO that I will have for another six years, until my next sabbatical.

This is an important perk for our profession and why I take a pay cut instead of working in industry. 

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tinyzombie
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elevate from this point on - chuck d


« Reply #18 on: November 19, 2012, 10:30:51 AM »

Yes, I only dump my longterm SO's during sabbaticals.  That way I can find another longterm SO since I am free to do so.  


I love you.
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testingthewaters
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« Reply #19 on: November 19, 2012, 10:45:55 AM »

Yes, I only dump my longterm SO's during sabbaticals.  That way I can find another longterm SO since I am free to do so.  


I love you.

Remeber, though, it will only be mutual for six years.
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merinoblue
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« Reply #20 on: November 19, 2012, 11:02:02 AM »

I still have no idea how anyone meets someone to have a relationship.  (You have to meet someone who is available. There has to be mutual interest.  Whew!  What a high bar for entry!)

Does anyone have a spare copy of the instruction manual?  I didn't get one at birth.
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busyslinky
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« Reply #21 on: November 19, 2012, 11:13:26 AM »

I still have no idea how anyone meets someone to have a relationship.  (You have to meet someone who is available. There has to be mutual interest.  Whew!  What a high bar for entry!)

Does anyone have a spare copy of the instruction manual?  I didn't get one at birth.

Yes, the bar is high.  This is why I would recommend a one-year sabbatical and not a half-year sabbatical.

Junior faculty are especially at risk of not finding another longterm SO (and unfortunately, having to remain with the old longterm SO, causing great anguish and probably undermining their promotion to Full Professor) if they take only a half-year sabbatical.

But, I think senior faculty after multiple sabbaticals have a good process and network established to find that elusive longterm SO.  Senior faculty may get away with a half-year sabbatical. 

As you may know, research is dynamic and you really need to stay up with evolving thought on this emerging paradigms between sabbaticals.

I would recommend you find a longterm SO mentor to help you if you are really lost.  Most good schools provide such mentorship.

Best of luck, especially if you are planning a sabbatical soon.
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zyzzx
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« Reply #22 on: November 19, 2012, 11:24:06 AM »

I still have no idea how anyone meets someone to have a relationship.  (You have to meet someone who is available. There has to be mutual interest.  Whew!  What a high bar for entry!)

Does anyone have a spare copy of the instruction manual?  I didn't get one at birth.

Yes, the bar is high.  This is why I would recommend a one-year sabbatical and not a half-year sabbatical.

Junior faculty are especially at risk of not finding another longterm SO (and unfortunately, having to remain with the old longterm SO, causing great anguish and probably undermining their promotion to Full Professor) if they take only a half-year sabbatical.

But, I think senior faculty after multiple sabbaticals have a good process and network established to find that elusive longterm SO.  Senior faculty may get away with a half-year sabbatical. 

As you may know, research is dynamic and you really need to stay up with evolving thought on this emerging paradigms between sabbaticals.

I would recommend you find a longterm SO mentor to help you if you are really lost.  Most good schools provide such mentorship.

Best of luck, especially if you are planning a sabbatical soon.

Darn, that's why I'm still single! I didn't realize that I needed a sabbatical to successfully find a longterm SO...
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merinoblue
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« Reply #23 on: November 19, 2012, 11:27:43 AM »

I still have no idea how anyone meets someone to have a relationship.  (You have to meet someone who is available. There has to be mutual interest.  Whew!  What a high bar for entry!)

Does anyone have a spare copy of the instruction manual?  I didn't get one at birth.

Yes, the bar is high.  This is why I would recommend a one-year sabbatical and not a half-year sabbatical.

Junior faculty are especially at risk of not finding another longterm SO (and unfortunately, having to remain with the old longterm SO, causing great anguish and probably undermining their promotion to Full Professor) if they take only a half-year sabbatical.

But, I think senior faculty after multiple sabbaticals have a good process and network established to find that elusive longterm SO.  Senior faculty may get away with a half-year sabbatical. 

As you may know, research is dynamic and you really need to stay up with evolving thought on this emerging paradigms between sabbaticals.

I would recommend you find a longterm SO mentor to help you if you are really lost.  Most good schools provide such mentorship.

Best of luck, especially if you are planning a sabbatical soon.

Darn, that's why I'm still single! I didn't realize that I needed a sabbatical to successfully find a longterm SO...

This is really confusing.  I need a tenure-track job to find a partner?  Where is that manual...
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fulanodetal
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« Reply #24 on: November 19, 2012, 11:39:22 AM »

Are you asking because it has already happened to you and you want us to say it's bad manners? That's your big concern? Or are you really asking before the fact? So that if we all concur that it's bad manners, you won't do it? What are you looking for, here?
I can judge the ethics on my own. I would like to know if it is patterned behavior.

Well, yes, if the person has a pattern then it's patterned behavior.

Does that beg the question?

Yes, all but the most unstable of us have individual behavior patterns. I am referring to the concept of  socially patterned behavior.


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fulanodetal
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« Reply #25 on: November 19, 2012, 11:43:15 AM »

My aunt supported her first husband through his PhD, and he dumped her afterwards.  He indeed was a schmuck-and-a-half.  It ended up being a stroke of good luck for her, though, since he murdered his second wife...

Silver linings playbook, indeed!
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macaroon
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« Reply #26 on: November 19, 2012, 11:53:14 AM »

So, fulanodetal, what's your story? 

You seem to be asking us for ours, but are unwilling to share yours.  That's not entirely fair, is it?  This strategy is netting a bit of snark, as you can see.
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prytania3
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Prytania, the Foracle


« Reply #27 on: November 19, 2012, 11:59:56 AM »

My last marriage proposal was when I was on sabbatical. Oh wait. Scratch that--it was actually when I had my nervous breakdown.

My mother told me never to support a man in school unless I had all the education I needed--in which case, she still didn't like the idea.

So, yes, I guess this is a pattern.
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tinyzombie
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elevate from this point on - chuck d


« Reply #28 on: November 19, 2012, 12:13:20 PM »

Yes, I only dump my longterm SO's during sabbaticals.  That way I can find another longterm SO since I am free to do so.  


I love you.

Remeber, though, it will only be mutual for six years.

That's okay. I'll be with The Depp by then.
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Quote from: usukprof
I think we have three of them, but the smallest one seems to be the leader.
Quote from: dolljepopp
Who needs real life when Sandra Bullock is around?
Quote from: systeme_d_
You are all my people, and I love you.
fulanodetal
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Posts: 9


« Reply #29 on: November 19, 2012, 12:41:51 PM »

You seem to be asking us for ours, but are unwilling to share yours.  That's not entirely fair, is it?  This strategy is netting a bit of snark, as you can see.

It's the Internet, everything nets a bit of snark.
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