• October 31, 2014
November 01, 2014, 12:07:06 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with your Chronicle username and password
News: Talk online about your experiences as an adjunct, visiting assistant professor, postdoc, or other contract faculty member.
 
Pages: 1 2 3 [4] 5
  Print  
Author Topic: Dissertation writing drove boyfriend away!  (Read 18762 times)
fiona
Distinguished Senior Member
*****
Posts: 14,076


« Reply #45 on: March 24, 2012, 5:42:19 PM »

I wonder if the troll will give us a hearty, colorful GCF if we poke it once or twice.

More than that would be too much trouble.

The Fiona
Logged

The Fiona or Them FionŠ or Fiona the Sublime

Professor of Thread Killing, Fiork University
larryc
Troll Proof
Distinguished Senior Member
*****
Posts: 23,003

Be excellent to each other.


WWW
« Reply #46 on: March 24, 2012, 5:58:36 PM »

I award a merit badge in troll-starving to all of you.
Logged

Trolling for sex is not what this forum is all about.
graycat
Junior member
**
Posts: 55


« Reply #47 on: March 25, 2012, 9:27:06 AM »

 

Note to those whose partners won't do their fair share of housework:  why do you put up with it?  Just sit down with him/her, list out all that needs to be done, and each chose what you are going to do so that it is nearly balanced (it will never work out exactly, but you can get close). 
I wish it were that easy in my house. My issue with sharing household management duties is that we do not agree on what "needs to be done." I would like for the house to be tidy enough such that we could have friends over without much notice. The whole house doesn't need to be constantly clean, but I'd like to see the living room, kitchen, and downstairs bath clean and not too cluttered. My spouse (who is very supportive of my academic work, but is busy on the TT) does not think we need more than a path from the door to the desk to the sink. Spouse would gladly split the amount of work necessary to have a path but genuinely does not see the point of more.

Sorry to post so unrelatedly, OP. You have my supportive sympathy. Breakups are rough, and it hurts to not have one's compromises appreciated. I hope summer brings you better adventures both academically and romantically.
Logged
dr_evil
Completely Imaginary
Distinguished Senior Member
*****
Posts: 6,286


« Reply #48 on: March 25, 2012, 11:44:38 AM »

If the OP calculated how many possible good work/writing hours she already gave up for the bf, she could get really depressed. Six months of weekends could be a net loss of . . . oh, someone else figure it out if you want to.

From a cost-benefit point of view, he should stay overboard. Yo, sharks!

The Fiona

As requested, the sharks are on their way!
Logged

Wheeeeee! You go, oh evilicious one.
ellaminnowphd
Curiously Strong
Distinguished Senior Member
*****
Posts: 3,824


« Reply #49 on: March 25, 2012, 11:52:24 AM »

 

Note to those whose partners won't do their fair share of housework:  why do you put up with it?  Just sit down with him/her, list out all that needs to be done, and each chose what you are going to do so that it is nearly balanced (it will never work out exactly, but you can get close).

In my family, it's not so much the division of labor (husband does most of the household chores) - it's the learned helplessness and codependency that pulls me away from my work.   I almost have to hold his hand on any decision, help him find things, and so on.  Sometimes I feel more like a manager than a partner and I just don't have time for that.  I've decided to just flat out tell him, "I can't help you with that.  You can figure it out." It has allowed me to have more mental (and physical) energy for the good stuff that comes with family life and more control over the time I dedicate to my dissertation without all the interruptions.  I'm also trying to be more conscious about my level of "presentness" when I'm not writing.

Deb, I look forward to hearing about your successful defense and your new life as a PhD.  


 
Logged

oldfullprof
Ridiculous
Distinguished Senior Member
*****
Posts: 11,359

Representation is not reproduction!


« Reply #50 on: March 25, 2012, 12:18:52 PM »

Me:  Hard surfaces, lawn, unpack dishwasher
She:  Soft surfaces, garden, pack dishwasher

We usually won't clean unless people are coming over.  Once a month or so.  Oh, we'll do it when it gets too disgusting too.
Logged

Taste o' the Sixties
alleyoxenfree
Distinguished Senior Member
*****
Posts: 4,752

Countin' all these posts as publications


« Reply #51 on: March 25, 2012, 5:55:08 PM »

OP, my boyfriend began by admiring, then went to pouting as yours did (while always arriving late whenever I did schedule free time with him), then after I married him and as I closer to finishing, he went finally to open disparagement of my work.  This is nothing you need.

Have I met much better guys since?  Definitely.

This, DESPITE the fact that my beauty is ALL USED UP, sob.

To grab a sappy line from a Kate Winslet movie, "I've got a life to live - and you're not going to be in it!"
Logged
punchnpie
Have a great rabbit!
Distinguished Senior Member
*****
Posts: 5,509


« Reply #52 on: March 25, 2012, 9:17:02 PM »

At 30+, most (or all) of your beauty is gone.

Speak for yourself. At 30+ I was still a cute mama. And at 58, still cute and not a single wrinkle.

Black don't crack. Even high yellow black.

OP, I am genuinely sorry you are going through this. All the talk about the PhD being worth it over a man doesn't do much when you are in the depths of pain. I'm glad I have my degree, but many, many times, I'd rather have my late husband here. Though, yeah, not all of the time. Go figure.
Logged

He's allergic to chocolate. I had to beat him.  -Tower Heist-
merinoblue
That's not screaming; that's rock and roll
Distinguished Senior Member
*****
Posts: 9,722


« Reply #53 on: March 25, 2012, 9:23:05 PM »

My beauty`s just getting going.  And my PhD is done.
Logged

Defender of whimsy
Sangria knows no borders.
oldfullprof
Ridiculous
Distinguished Senior Member
*****
Posts: 11,359

Representation is not reproduction!


« Reply #54 on: March 25, 2012, 9:26:06 PM »

A woman's beauty usually just starts when she's 30.  Wow!
Logged

Taste o' the Sixties
galactic_hedgehog
Procrastinating, Python-quoting, Blue Blazer-drinking, chocolate-chip cookie-eating, Pastafarian, Not So
Distinguished Senior Member
*****
Posts: 19,201

Mind Ninja


WWW
« Reply #55 on: March 26, 2012, 12:43:07 AM »

PhD = Pretty, Hot, and Dreamy.

Galactic Hedgehog, (PhD)▓
Logged

fiona
Distinguished Senior Member
*****
Posts: 14,076


« Reply #56 on: March 26, 2012, 2:18:44 AM »

This thread definitely drove the OP away, and without even a GCF.

I think that may be bad form.

The Fiona
Logged

The Fiona or Them FionŠ or Fiona the Sublime

Professor of Thread Killing, Fiork University
merinoblue
That's not screaming; that's rock and roll
Distinguished Senior Member
*****
Posts: 9,722


« Reply #57 on: March 26, 2012, 7:02:09 AM »

I suspect our OP is taking it all in from somewhere.

-mb, eternal optimist

This thread definitely drove the OP away, and without even a GCF.

I think that may be bad form.

The Fiona
Logged

Defender of whimsy
Sangria knows no borders.
debra851
New member
*
Posts: 39


« Reply #58 on: March 27, 2012, 2:02:34 AM »

OP here! I was busy writing (LOL). I read all the posts and want to thank everyone for their support here.
This just makes me more aware that I need to be careful to find people in my life who will be supportive. It's not just people we date. It can be friends or family members who try to put us down. How many of us have been asked "You're STILL in school?" or "What are you doing a PhD for? There are no jobs!"

I am one of the first in my family to go to college so I get a lot of negative comments or jealousy at times. I am also from a staunch working class background where folks turn up their noses at supposedly snooty professor-types. My dad is just NOW getting over that particular working class prejudice against academics now that I am about to become one myself.

If in the opinion of some posters my beauty is gone and life is basically over, then at least I will have a PhD so that I can support myself. As for the job market I am very fortunate to live in an area where adjuncts are well paid so even if I don't land a tenure track I know I will be able to survive.  When I completed my MA seven years ago, I made about $50K a year as a part-time adjunct and still teach at the same college part-time. I know of adjuncts making almost $70K by teaching an impossibly high course load but they do struggle with the lack of job security or benefits so it's far from ideal. 

My ex was very insecure in general and worried constantly that I would meet someone with more formal education than he. He was upset when I went to a conference in another state over a weekend and interrogated me about the men I met there. From what I've read here, partners seem to be more supportive if they have achieved personal success on their own terms and are self-confident.
Logged
itried
Senior member
****
Posts: 459


« Reply #59 on: March 27, 2012, 7:33:27 AM »

debra851, your description of your ex as insecure about his own lack of formal education explains everything. If he couldn't get over his insecurity to support you 100%, the relationship would have failed eventually; better now than later, after you'd (possibly) made professional concessions to accommodate the relationship. This is his issue to work through, not yours. Find a man with a feminist mother.

Like you, I'm from a very blue-collar family. Cousins on my mom's side have snubbed and caricatured me because of my education and profession. Even my father, who values education but stopped after earning his BA late in life, and who occasionally claims to be proud of me, regularly finds passive-aggressive ways to jab my work and career; e.g., by making hateful comments about teachers, stating that I've chosen to work at a weak, low-tier university, or contemptuously criticizing liberal academics. So even my father is threatened by me. Frig him, and frig your ex: they're asshats.
« Last Edit: March 27, 2012, 7:33:46 AM by itried » Logged
Pages: 1 2 3 [4] 5
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.9 | SMF © 2006-2008, Simple Machines LLC Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!
  • 1255 Twenty-Third St., N.W.
  • Washington, D.C. 20037
subscribe today

Get the insight you need for success in academe.