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Author Topic: Educational differences  (Read 33952 times)
betterslac
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« Reply #15 on: August 08, 2011, 5:59:25 AM »

Thank you so much for your messages & suggestions. I also believe that attitudes towards life and learning are much more important that a degree.
alto_stratus, you are right, probably the decision of living together soon is not the best one, given that we met for the first time after 13 years only one month ago, and that I have just ended a 8 years marriage. But at this point the only other option would be a long distance relation... something that could be even more painful and difficult.
My first boyfriend and I were together when I was 15-16-17 and he was 1 year older. It was a difficult and painful love story because our parents didn't want us to be together and because we were both, let's say, pretty problematic and rebel. We broke up 13 years ago, and never met or talked or saw each other again, until last month. We grew up in different ways, and even though he did not study at the University, he still have a special sensibility, something that no degree can gives you. And also, a particular attitude toward life, very anti-conformist, or anti-conventional, which I just love. But he doesn't care at all about his career. He's working in a super market now, and he's ok with that. We are very very different, but in some way I really envy him, sometimes I would like to have a bit of this attitude as well.


Lots of alarm bells:

-- 13 years have gone by with no contact
--Only reconnected a month ago
--Looking at the past through the rosy lens of "tragic love story" that occurred during teen years
--Still recovering from a long-term broken relationship.

I think educational differences are the least of your concerns here.
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lucid
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« Reply #16 on: October 25, 2011, 8:57:16 AM »

Ok, here I am again, struggling with dissertation and my poor love-life.
This is the main problem with my first boyfriend: he's not from the US (and neither am I), and the only way for him to come here and visit me would be with a tourist visa (3 months max). Now, it is true that even if this summer we have spent almost two months together (and we were happy, the majority of the time), I would need more time (together) to realize if this is what I want. But at the same time, it is also true that I am faced with two opposite possibilities: being with him here in the US, and give it a try (him living with me, not working, for a couple of months and see how it goes), or just let the story go (we both stay were we are and that's it).
The problem is that we cannot have a normal "dating experience"... he would be willing to move to another country (let's say to Europe), and find another job there (he's now working in a retail shop and he's not satisfied with that)... but I am doing my PhD here, and I truly love what I am doing. Now, I have the chance to move, let's say to Europe to do research related to my dissertation for a year, so this could give us a chance to try. BUT, what am I gonna do after that? What will happen when I come back for the job market?

I am extremely confused, and cannot really talk about it with anyone here... there's a part of me that says I should try and see what happen, but there is another part that continues to tell me I should let him go. I really do not know what to do.
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polly_mer
practice makes perfect
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Have you worked on that project today?


« Reply #17 on: October 25, 2011, 9:17:49 AM »

As an observer with no stake, I suggest you let him go. 

You aren't on similar life paths; you don't want similar things out of life.

The work required to have a life together would be enormous because you don't want similar things on a day-to-day basis and don't want to trade-off in the same way for similar goals.

Plenty of other fish exist in the sea.  Throw this one back and keep looking for someone who wants something that fits with what you want out of life.

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concordancia
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« Reply #18 on: October 25, 2011, 10:56:03 AM »

Follow your research. If he relocates there, and if you build something, you address those issues at the time. Make it clear to him that your plan is to return to the US. After all, if you are doing well after a year, you will probably have an idea of whether or not you are willing to marry him, which would make his coming to the US easier.

The problem with him coming to the US for three months is that both the time limit and his lack of work or anything else to keep him occupied and self-identified mean that the situation would be extremely artificial and not necessarily a good indicator of the future.
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I like money.  I like to buy stuff and experiences with money.  
spork
If you are reading this, I am naked.
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« Reply #19 on: October 25, 2011, 9:07:52 PM »

Thirteen years later and he's working a retail job he doesn't like? Listen to Pink, she's smart.
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a.k.a. gum-chewing monkey in a Tufts University jacket

"There are no bad ideas, only great ideas that go horribly wrong."

"Please do not force people who are exhausted to take medication for hallucinations." -- Memo from the Chair, Department of White Privilege Studies, Fiork University
pink_
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« Reply #20 on: October 26, 2011, 8:30:12 AM »

I think I have a new line for my signature--thanks Spork! :)

Lucid, I know that you don't want to hear this. Hell, I don't like typing it, but you have to let go. It sounds completely cliche to say that if this is meant to work out, it will, but I do think that's what you need to tell yourself right now.  The two of you are on very different paths, and trying to force them together will only lead to unhappiness and resentment for both of you. You've worked very hard to get where you are, and you shouldn't give that up for the glimmer of a chance that this will work out.  You need to prioritize yourself right now.  Grad school is very hard on relationships because it often requires individuals to put themselves first. That's especially hard for many women, who are socialized to do the exact opposite.

In your post, I read a great about the things that you are willing to do and the sacrifices you are willing to make to make this work.  What about him? A relationship, a healthy one anyway, isn't about one person giving and the other receiving.  It's about both contributing to a mutually shared life. It doesn't need to be so hard.  Not that it should be sunshine, daisies, and unicorns all the time, but if you already are having problems, all of the extenuating circumstances you have mentioned will only compound these issues.

My best advice to you is to try and take a step back.  Breathe.  Think about how hard you have worked for the things that you have achieved. Breathe some more.

You don't have to "do" anything right now. 
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bama_belle
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« Reply #21 on: October 27, 2011, 1:09:31 PM »

I worry about the educational differences, as well.

I have a BS and MA, and plan to begin doctoral work in Fall 2013. My husband only has his high school diploma. It doesn't matter much to me, because he is a warm, charming, charismatic, intelligent man, but I can tell it bothers him. He gets irritated when I use "big words": For instance, I said something about anthropomorphizing our dog and husband was like: "WHY DO YOU HAVE TO USE BIG WORDS? Why can't you just say 'Don't talk to the dog like that'?" He has also grown to hate the word "cognizance."

Maybe that's just us.
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concordancia
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« Reply #22 on: October 27, 2011, 1:23:26 PM »

I worry about the educational differences, as well.

I have a BS and MA, and plan to begin doctoral work in Fall 2013. My husband only has his high school diploma. It doesn't matter much to me, because he is a warm, charming, charismatic, intelligent man, but I can tell it bothers him. He gets irritated when I use "big words": For instance, I said something about anthropomorphizing our dog and husband was like: "WHY DO YOU HAVE TO USE BIG WORDS? Why can't you just say 'Don't talk to the dog like that'?" He has also grown to hate the word "cognizance."

Maybe that's just us.

I don't always know when I am using big words (it bugs my mother), but if he is actually shouting, rather than joking, it sounds like it is time to have a talk. As you become more comfortable with the big words, you should be able to judge register better. However, there is a point in learning new vocabulary where we like to try out our new words. If you can explain to him that this is what is happening, he may realize that you are using these words precisely because you are not entirely comfortable with them, either. It is part of a learning technique. Otherwise, he may be seeing it as you showing off or leaving him behind.
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I like money.  I like to buy stuff and experiences with money.  
bama_belle
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Posts: 502


« Reply #23 on: October 27, 2011, 3:43:54 PM »

I worry about the educational differences, as well.

I have a BS and MA, and plan to begin doctoral work in Fall 2013. My husband only has his high school diploma. It doesn't matter much to me, because he is a warm, charming, charismatic, intelligent man, but I can tell it bothers him. He gets irritated when I use "big words": For instance, I said something about anthropomorphizing our dog and husband was like: "WHY DO YOU HAVE TO USE BIG WORDS? Why can't you just say 'Don't talk to the dog like that'?" He has also grown to hate the word "cognizance."

Maybe that's just us.

I don't always know when I am using big words (it bugs my mother), but if he is actually shouting, rather than joking, it sounds like it is time to have a talk. As you become more comfortable with the big words, you should be able to judge register better. However, there is a point in learning new vocabulary where we like to try out our new words. If you can explain to him that this is what is happening, he may realize that you are using these words precisely because you are not entirely comfortable with them, either. It is part of a learning technique. Otherwise, he may be seeing it as you showing off or leaving him behind.

He said it in a half-joking, half-serious "eye-rolling" kind of way, I think, but thank you for acknowledging that because, yes, shouting would definitely be a problem!

As far as learning new vocabulary, you are absolutely right--that is what I am doing a lot of times. I have started a running list of words that I've never heard or heard/read that I never really new what they meant and I like trying them out in sentences.

I appreciate your comment!
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aprilmay
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Posts: 761


« Reply #24 on: October 27, 2011, 4:34:13 PM »

Unless you are a snob or the partner is insecure, the educational differences will not matter. Just because one person has more of an official education does not make them smarter. If both people realize this you will be fine. That said, a lot of people are snobs or insecure. The other issues people raised seem more pressing.
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