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Author Topic: City-slicker visits the sticks.  (Read 244131 times)
punchnpie
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« Reply #135 on: August 09, 2011, 7:31:55 PM »

Tell me more about why people can't date over the internet.

As I've explained on other threads, I (good Midwestern girl that I am) think of dating as about courtship and being on the path to marriage.  Consequently, getting to know each other via frequent email, online chatting, and Skype seems to be no hardship.  After six months or a year, sure, arrange to meet in person.  After another six months or a year, start figuring out how to become geographically close to see if you are compatible enough with routine interactions to actually marry.

Of course, that's a view of dating that I know many don't share because they want to jump immediately to physical intimacy instead of getting to know a mind.

And this is why I love you, Polly_Mer.
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merinoblue
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« Reply #136 on: August 09, 2011, 7:33:22 PM »

I won't date someone I am not attracted to physically, and it's only possible to know if you are physically attracted to someone by meeting them in person. Photos aren't enough.

That's right. And, for me, hands down, the most important element is whether I'm comfortable in this person's presence. Does he have good manners and warmth? Is he considerate and respectful towards strangers? Towards the waiter? Does he listen to what I have to say? Do we laugh and have an ease with each other? Most of that is non-verbal communication. It's the dance of two people communicating, in person. For me, it's the most important element in deciding whether I want to get to know someone (whether as a friend or other).

Adding: it's also the difference between what people say they are, and how they actually behave around others.
« Last Edit: August 09, 2011, 7:36:32 PM by merinoblue » Logged

Defender of whimsy
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undisciplined
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Okay then.


« Reply #137 on: August 09, 2011, 7:38:56 PM »

Quote
For a while, I was thinking that she took the City of New Orleans from Memphis or New Orleans to somewhere in Mississippi.

The City of New Orleans has a nice dining car.

WIU has Jason Sokol? WTF? Now that's a statement about the sad state of the job market.
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oldfullprof
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« Reply #138 on: August 09, 2011, 7:49:06 PM »

I did one IN hookup once.  We remained friends.  This was probably the only relationship I've ever had where I hadn't known the person for at least a year first.  The only reason we did stuff so quickly was that we were both "intellectuals."  The relationship, once platonic, did lead to a program evaluation job. 
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Taste o' the Sixties
prytania3
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« Reply #139 on: August 09, 2011, 7:50:57 PM »

Tell me more about why people can't date over the internet.

As I've explained on other threads, I (good Midwestern girl that I am) think of dating as about courtship and being on the path to marriage.  Consequently, getting to know each other via frequent email, online chatting, and Skype seems to be no hardship.  After six months or a year, sure, arrange to meet in person.  After another six months or a year, start figuring out how to become geographically close to see if you are compatible enough with routine interactions to actually marry.

Of course, that's a view of dating that I know many don't share because they want to jump immediately to physical intimacy instead of getting to know a mind.

And this is why I love you, Polly_Mer.

This is why I sometimes think Polly Mer is an assklown.

You can't tell who a person is over the internet. You're delusional. And you don't have to immediately hop into bed with someone just because they live in the proximity.

Also, dating in person in your area assures you of going to all the best restaurants from Greenwich to Bridgeport, which accounts for something.

Hedgepig's profile has to be the biggest crock ever to hit the internet.
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punchnpie
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« Reply #140 on: August 09, 2011, 7:56:40 PM »

Would I prefer dating someone close to me? Sure. Would doing so infringe on the time I need for fora activities and actually working and writing? Yes.

It took me awhile to come around to it, but I am willing to 'date' someone a bit further away than would be ideal. I find that with Facebook, you can get a pretty good look at someone's life and interests. So far, I've been OK with that. I'm looking for someone with a specific life style and who can be respectful of mine. I may need to go outside of the cornfields for that. That's all I'm saying.

And, considering how many women get jammed up with men who live close to them - living with them, giving them money, dealing with abuse, etc. I'm OK with the guy not being up in my face all the time.

Can we return to Dr Jill and her issues?
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oldfullprof
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« Reply #141 on: August 09, 2011, 8:01:45 PM »

I think the author of the article cited by OP may have been the author of that post many years ago about how she was "too good for the job" and flounced around during the interview.  The post was hilarious and I laughed for days.  

For some reason (as countercultural as I am,) It'd be harder for me to live in Cambridge, Ann Arbor, Madison, or Berkeley than to live in Frostburg, Oswego, Denton, or Sacramento.  Probably the poseurness plus the demand for ontentatious liberalism.  Ugh.  

And I'm still liberal.  Oh well.
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prytania3
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« Reply #142 on: August 09, 2011, 8:03:48 PM »

Would I prefer dating someone close to me? Sure. Would doing so infringe on the time I need for fora activities and actually working and writing? Yes.

It took me awhile to come around to it, but I am willing to 'date' someone a bit further away than would be ideal. I find that with Facebook, you can get a pretty good look at someone's life and interests. So far, I've been OK with that. I'm looking for someone with a specific life style and who can be respectful of mine. I may need to go outside of the cornfields for that. That's all I'm saying.

And, considering how many women get jammed up with men who live close to them - living with them, giving them money, dealing with abuse, etc. I'm OK with the guy not being up in my face all the time.

Can we return to Dr Jill and her issues?

We're finished with Dr. Jill. This is more interesting.

If you live in a rural area, then yes, you might have to do the LDR thing, and that's cool, but Polly Mer makes it sound like it's desirable, and it's just not. It's one of the compromises you have to make when you live in the tulies.
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merinoblue
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« Reply #143 on: August 09, 2011, 8:04:46 PM »

Would I prefer dating someone close to me? Sure. Would doing so infringe on the time I need for fora activities and actually working and writing? Yes.

It took me awhile to come around to it, but I am willing to 'date' someone a bit further away than would be ideal. I find that with Facebook, you can get a pretty good look at someone's life and interests. So far, I've been OK with that. I'm looking for someone with a specific life style and who can be respectful of mine. I may need to go outside of the cornfields for that. That's all I'm saying.

And, considering how many women get jammed up with men who live close to them - living with them, giving them money, dealing with abuse, etc. I'm OK with the guy not being up in my face all the time.

Can we return to Dr Jill and her issues?

We're finished with Dr. Jill. This is more interesting.

Now I love Prytania.
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scampster
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« Reply #144 on: August 09, 2011, 8:11:07 PM »

I did pretty much what Polly_Mer suggests is the way to do this so you have a "meeting of the minds." I met someone online (in a running forum, not in an online dating situation). We exchanged many many many long long e-mails over the course of three years. We didn't live anywhere close to each other (he was in the military, so deployed most of the time). Neither of us considered ourselves to be dating and we did occasionally go out with other people and ultimately would end up reporting back with funny stories about it. There were long conversations and flirting and a really good connection. As his service was ending, we talked about him finding a job near where I was. He got out of the service, came to visit, we had a fun week, but ultimately it was apparent that we weren't a good match for each relationship-wise. We had some subtly different values on things that we had talked about, but the full implication of those differences weren't obvious until we were actually together. We are still good friends, so the mind connection has always been there, but you can waste a lot of your life if you spend 6 month to one year stints corresponding with people on the internet before meeting them if you are looking for a long term romantic connection. It's a great way to meet good friends though.

Anyway... back to Dr. Jill. I haven't wanted to punch a CHE writer in the face so much in a long time.
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chaosbydesign
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« Reply #145 on: August 09, 2011, 8:17:50 PM »

Would I prefer dating someone close to me? Sure. Would doing so infringe on the time I need for fora activities and actually working and writing? Yes.

It took me awhile to come around to it, but I am willing to 'date' someone a bit further away than would be ideal. I find that with Facebook, you can get a pretty good look at someone's life and interests. So far, I've been OK with that. I'm looking for someone with a specific life style and who can be respectful of mine. I may need to go outside of the cornfields for that. That's all I'm saying.

And, considering how many women get jammed up with men who live close to them - living with them, giving them money, dealing with abuse, etc. I'm OK with the guy not being up in my face all the time.

Can we return to Dr Jill and her issues?

We're finished with Dr. Jill. This is more interesting.

Now I love Prytania.

I love Pry too. But I wouldn't date her; she lives too far away.

Seriously, though, long distance relationships are so not desirable. I think I'd date someone who lived an hour away, because that's really not so far, but no further than that, and *definitely* nothing that involved planes. Personally I don't think a relationship with someone close by would limit my work time/messing-around-on-the-fora time at all, because I wouldn't be seeing the person every night. I wouldn't want to. And if I did live with someone again, it would be with someone who has the same opinion as I do on having time alone, so I would be able to work at home and play on the internet without being bothered by my partner about it because she would understand that I need time away from people no matter how much I like them (as in we'd have separate home offices or something, not that I'd actually expect the person to leave the house if I wanted to be alone).
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prytania3
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Prytania, the Foracle


« Reply #146 on: August 09, 2011, 8:28:19 PM »

Would I prefer dating someone close to me? Sure. Would doing so infringe on the time I need for fora activities and actually working and writing? Yes.

It took me awhile to come around to it, but I am willing to 'date' someone a bit further away than would be ideal. I find that with Facebook, you can get a pretty good look at someone's life and interests. So far, I've been OK with that. I'm looking for someone with a specific life style and who can be respectful of mine. I may need to go outside of the cornfields for that. That's all I'm saying.

And, considering how many women get jammed up with men who live close to them - living with them, giving them money, dealing with abuse, etc. I'm OK with the guy not being up in my face all the time.

Can we return to Dr Jill and her issues?

We're finished with Dr. Jill. This is more interesting.

Now I love Prytania.

I love Pry too. But I wouldn't date her; she lives too far away.

Seriously, though, long distance relationships are so not desirable. I think I'd date someone who lived an hour away, because that's really not so far, but no further than that, and *definitely* nothing that involved planes. Personally I don't think a relationship with someone close by would limit my work time/messing-around-on-the-fora time at all, because I wouldn't be seeing the person every night. I wouldn't want to. And if I did live with someone again, it would be with someone who has the same opinion as I do on having time alone, so I would be able to work at home and play on the internet without being bothered by my partner about it because she would understand that I need time away from people no matter how much I like them (as in we'd have separate home offices or something, not that I'd actually expect the person to leave the house if I wanted to be alone).

I'm hurt now.

For clarification, I think long distance relationships can work out, it's just more difficult. But if you live in the tulies, it's what a lot of people do if they want a relationship.

That's why I said I preferred living in a populated area.

Kiss, kiss to Merino!
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chaosbydesign
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« Reply #147 on: August 09, 2011, 8:33:25 PM »

Aw, don't be hurt, Pry. You wouldn't want to date a member-moderator, would you? ;)

You know what would happen if I dated someone I had to get a plane to see. I'd miss a plane every damn week.
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secundem_artem
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« Reply #148 on: August 09, 2011, 8:53:25 PM »

I'm still giggling about the idea that any town that has a chain store, has a college, is serviced by passenger rail, and takes ten minutes to get from one end to the other is small.  Oh, Dr. Jill, what would you do if you ended up in an actual rural area?  Your head would probably explode.

Having passenger rail is no small thing.

I agree.  I know exactly why the lyrics "he has an interstate running through his front yard and thinks he has it so good" are true.  When you are miles off the interstate with one one-line road that may or may not be plowed and tends to have accidents that shut the whole thing for hours, then you can whine about being isolated.

My town in Virginia has neither rail service nor interstate. The interstate is about 25 miles away and goes through another town.

They are so snooty because of that interstate, you'd think they lived on the beach.

Neither town has rail service. Actually I'm not sure we even have bus service.

I've lived places with that one-lane road a good way from the interstate (more than an hour in one case) and definitely no bus, train, or other public transportation service.

We are about 90 minutes in either direction from the two N-S interstates nearest us, and about 2 hours south and 95 minutes north of the two E-W interstates.

I have to drive 2 miles on GRAVEL to get from my house to work before I even hit pavement.  It's 2.5 hours to both of the nearest airports.

Train?  Bus?  Be freakin' serious.

We once had a guest lecturer who taught at a college in the deep south  He said he lived in a town so isolated, that when he went deer hunting, he went towards town.  Now that's' in the middle of nowhere.

As for this article, I'm a bit surprised at all the vitriol.  I think the author made a rather unsuccessful attempt at being funny. 

We moved here to Tenure Town from a city of 3million people.  SO and I did undergrad and grad school in urban cities of 1million +.  Tenure Town is the smallest city my SO has lived in by a factor of 15.  Believe me, we could live here a thousand years but this place will never be home.  We have adapted and have made a decent life here.  We like it more than we don't like it.  But small town midwestern thinking will always be foreign to me.  This author just made a misguided attempt to say she recognized that 'foreign-ness'  going in and jumped (or was pushed) before anybody had to make a commitment.  Writing comedy is harder than it looks and this piece seems to prove that.
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In my opinion, Secundem_artem is precisely correct. 

I think secundem_artem, rather, has hit the nail on the head.
prytania3
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Prytania, the Foracle


« Reply #149 on: August 09, 2011, 9:01:29 PM »

Aw, don't be hurt, Pry. You wouldn't want to date a member-moderator, would you? ;)


No.
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