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Author Topic: Living Apart - support thread?  (Read 344664 times)
westcoastgirl
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« Reply #360 on: May 01, 2012, 11:13:31 AM »

Summer is coming!   After Mini gets out of school in June we're going to move to Andi's house for 10 whole weeks.  When Mini and I go back to school in the fall Andi is moving to my house for the semester (although he'll have to do a weekly overnight away to work 2 days a week in his office).  I simultaneously can't wait and I'm anxious about how difficult it's going to be to be in each other's space all the time.  Mini is over the moon and I think it's going to be great for her.  

Does anyone else have temporary togetherness planned for the summer?  

My husband negotiated (as a start up) to teach 2 quarters out of 3 (academic year). He has a 2/2 over three quarters, so it's doable. I went and "picked him up" (36 hours away!) in March. He has NEH next year, but we still might live apart because I have a post-doc.

The adjustment period was hard at first. I was used to being completely on my own, not something I totally hated, by far. It's good to have him back, generally speaking. I do find the house a lot messier. He cooks a lot and makes use of the space whereas when I was living alone, I didn't cook at all and was hardly ever here so the house stayed neat. This has been a point of frustration for both of us. As soon as he lets things go downhill, so do I. Part of it is that we both have huge deadlines in a few days so I haven't stopped to clean. I need to though, because we have a conference guest coming in on Thursday.

We have a 3 year old who was out on the west coast with him (while I finished). Being back has been great for him. He even remarks, "I never want to go back to x." He liked it out there alright but he loves being with both of us and his sisters (who are with the ex during the week). Did I mention my life is complicated?
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For now, we are both done teaching so if we didn't have a babysitter, we'd be here, together, all the time, which I don't think would be that wonderful!

As for you, make sure you tame your expectations. We were really sort of independent to begin with and being away from each other kind of exacerbated the not-so-conducive to marriage desires for leave me alone, I'm doing my pwn thing right now independence.
« Last Edit: May 01, 2012, 11:16:34 AM by westcoastgirl » Logged

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bochierd
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« Reply #361 on: May 02, 2012, 6:35:45 PM »

I took a job in a rural area at a 4 year state institution.  My wife had a good job in a major city.  It sucked, but I could at least drive down for long weekends, breaks, and such.  Now she's taken a job in a rural area over 1400 miles away.  Too expensive to fly from spot to spot, too far from Amtrak tracks (and both airlines and trains would require 2-4 hour drives for both of us), and many hours, ok, days, to drive.  Meaning Christmas and some time in Summer is all I get.  Not sure how I feel about all that.
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westcoastgirl
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« Reply #362 on: May 23, 2012, 6:34:09 PM »

I took a job in a rural area at a 4 year state institution.  My wife had a good job in a major city.  It sucked, but I could at least drive down for long weekends, breaks, and such.  Now she's taken a job in a rural area over 1400 miles away.  Too expensive to fly from spot to spot, too far from Amtrak tracks (and both airlines and trains would require 2-4 hour drives for both of us), and many hours, ok, days, to drive.  Meaning Christmas and some time in Summer is all I get.  Not sure how I feel about all that.

Good luck. When my husband was solo out on the west coast, he flew back every other weekend. This last year, he had our son with him. It was too expensive for them to fly back more than once a quarter. And it was hard for me to get out there as well since I have my daughters on weekends. We made due. We function well in a long distance relationship, but we have to come up with some solution because we have a three year old.
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molli_sols
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« Reply #363 on: May 24, 2012, 12:53:13 PM »

Westcoastgirl, I hear what you say about being independent.  Most people tell me they couldn't imagine being apart so much but it works well for us.  I like my privacy and Andi is sort of a spontaneous, unpredictable sort so we are able to make it work for us.  Fortunately the house we're living in this summer is Andi's which is bigger and we have our desks in separate rooms which should help us transition back to spending our evenings together.
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westcoastgirl
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« Reply #364 on: May 25, 2012, 6:22:11 PM »

Westcoastgirl, I hear what you say about being independent.  Most people tell me they couldn't imagine being apart so much but it works well for us.  I like my privacy and Andi is sort of a spontaneous, unpredictable sort so we are able to make it work for us.  Fortunately the house we're living in this summer is Andi's which is bigger and we have our desks in separate rooms which should help us transition back to spending our evenings together.

I really like this board because people seem to be respectful of our decision to live apart. This is really helpful. In real life and on my other board, I always get the dramatic "OMG, I COULD NEVER." It's downright annoying. I kind of prefer living alone. (I don't want to jinx myself by saying this!).
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greyscale
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« Reply #365 on: June 14, 2012, 1:46:32 AM »

My SO was at a conference in Japan this past week. He arranged his flights so he had a 12-hour overnight layover in my city. I picked him up from the airport and went straight to our favorite late-night food & cocktails place, then drove him back to the airport in the morning.

Then, today, his flight home had a 3-hour layover here. I'd totally forgotten about it, but he texted when he landed at 11am and I realized I'd already planned to work from home, so we snuck off for a long lunch together.

Glad I live so close to a major airport! Seeing him so often makes life infinitely better, as I'm going through some really tough things right now.
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southerntransplant
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« Reply #366 on: June 23, 2012, 9:06:20 PM »

STpouse was here last weekend and we had a good time. I miss her a lot, but it's getting less difficult, if that makes any sense.
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"...And on the other side of this wall is a whole 'nother studio that you'll never get to see...because, you know, fvck you guys."

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peppergal
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« Reply #367 on: June 23, 2012, 10:00:49 PM »

I'm back on this board because after a wonderful year of actually being able to live together, SO has landed a TT job elsewhere.  Sigh.  He's off househunting now, and I miss him terribly, even though we've been apart for longer than this for conferences...
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notaprof
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« Reply #368 on: June 23, 2012, 11:06:26 PM »

STpouse was here last weekend and we had a good time. I miss her a lot, but it's getting less difficult, if that makes any sense.

My husband and I are at the best place we have ever been in our marriage during this living apart phase.  It  has gone on longer than we ever anticipated but we never take each other for granted.  The times together are intentional, we make an extra effort to not get bogged down in the usual slog of daily life.  Each of the times we get to spend together, just doing ordinary things, are going to make my list of all time favorites in our life together.
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southerntransplant
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« Reply #369 on: June 24, 2012, 11:51:28 AM »

STpouse was here last weekend and we had a good time. I miss her a lot, but it's getting less difficult, if that makes any sense.

My husband and I are at the best place we have ever been in our marriage during this living apart phase.  It  has gone on longer than we ever anticipated but we never take each other for granted.  The times together are intentional, we make an extra effort to not get bogged down in the usual slog of daily life.  Each of the times we get to spend together, just doing ordinary things, are going to make my list of all time favorites in our life together.

That's kind of how I see it. I think she made a few professional sacrifices coming here as well, and I wasn't that attentive because of being so busy. There, she has a very good professional network, is happier at her job than she ever was here (even though it pays less), and still has all our old friends to hang out with. I don't think she would entertain a permanent move there, but this will do for now.

When we're together, we do make sure we spend that time together just doing stuff.
« Last Edit: June 24, 2012, 11:52:35 AM by southerntransplant » Logged

"...And on the other side of this wall is a whole 'nother studio that you'll never get to see...because, you know, fvck you guys."

Steve Albini, showing Dave Grohl and the Foo Fighters around his studio
southerntransplant
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No recess.


« Reply #370 on: July 31, 2012, 7:00:35 AM »

Well, STpouse sent in her first set of job applications for a job back here. There's not much here for her particular brand of work, and it may be that she might just retire at the end of the next five years or so, but she doesn't really like living by herself, so retirement would be the runout option should this get to the five-year mark.

She also brought over the cat she adopted. Both dogs were curious, but neither was aggressively so.

She'll be back in a couple of weeks, at which point she will probably bring Southern Dane back with her. 
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"...And on the other side of this wall is a whole 'nother studio that you'll never get to see...because, you know, fvck you guys."

Steve Albini, showing Dave Grohl and the Foo Fighters around his studio
not_a_gradstudent1
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« Reply #371 on: August 02, 2012, 8:12:28 AM »

I don't think I've posted in this thread before, but if there's any time I've needed support in this it's now. I haven't been able to reach my 800-miles-away SO in nearly a week, which has never happened in the 2+ years we've been together (we've always lived apart). I contacted a sibling of his last night who seems unconcerned, so I've gone from worried to alternating worried, weirded out, pissed, and just not sure what to do next.
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heynonnynonnymouse
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« Reply #372 on: August 02, 2012, 1:11:11 PM »

Wow, not_a_grad, that's scary. I'm really sorry for the stress. I don't suppose you know anyone in SO-town who could be prevailed upon to visit your SO's place for you? After a week, I'd probably be doing potentially iffy things like calling SO's place of employment or maybe even the police.
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not_a_gradstudent1
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« Reply #373 on: August 02, 2012, 9:34:48 PM »

It appears he's fine and something's been wrong with his phone. So now I'm just royally pissed.
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lotsoquestions
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« Reply #374 on: August 19, 2012, 4:30:05 PM »

Wondering if anybody on here is an empty nester with grown kids doing the commuter marriage thing?  Husband and I are kind of toying with the idea once the loud, angry teens head to college.  Lord knows we'd be able to use the money!
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