• April 30, 2016
April 30, 2016, 10:25:33 pm *
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News: Talk about how to cope with chronic illness, disability, and other health issues in the academic workplace.
 
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Author Topic: Managing long-term depression and its affect upon work  (Read 3653333 times)
citrine
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Beware the Annoying Bad Luck Snail


« Reply #4860 on: April 27, 2016, 9:16:26 pm »

Sympathy, bms2000.

I just want to give up on being an adult and crawl into a hole and pull the hole in after me. Unfortunately that is not possible as I have Nephew to care for and need to continue to be employed so that we can enjoy exciting things like housing and food and Lego.  And the semester will end next week, so maybe things will get easier after that? I don't know. The therapist is good and helpful but I just feel like I am trying to function while carrying a fifty pound sack of grief and it never really abates for long enough for me to do anything meaningful.
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baleful_regards
Imperfect Uncertainty: Guardian of indecision is a
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My magical seagull regards you balefully /\0/\


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« Reply #4861 on: April 28, 2016, 12:17:12 am »

Bms2000,  I lost weight when I switched to Pristiq ( which I've been taking since Sept 2010). I'd been on Prozac for just about ten years ( and increasing dosages) when it just FAILED.

The Pristiq helped control the depression, which helped control my taste for sugar ( my seratonin booster ) so my weight went down.

Of course right this minute I am heavier than I have been in about 5 years. I also polished off a small container of frosting this evening because in an effort to stave off exhaustion/depression, my sweet tooth is fierce.

I keep telling myself that as soon as classes end I can start biking again.

Citrine, grief is the unending ocean.  It never ends, but it gets less raw. 

In 2010 when I lost someone I loved deeply, I would cry and cry in the therapist's office. I would ask when I would ever feel anything except this exhausting, all consuming grief. I felt nothing except empty. I talked about how if I didn't think it would f*ck up my daughter I would have killed myself because I was so sick and tired of being angry and useless, unable to do anything but grieve and grieve.

Little by little, the emotional wound stopped being so....open. I likened it to a scab starting to form.  I still hurt like hell, and the emotional scab would fall off and I would grieve more...then I would have small times of less pain. Not absence of pain, but less.

Six  years later, that wound is  absolutely still there.  However, it is a scar that is sensitive when poked instead of an eternal weeping wound.

I think that it was the first time I'd grieved in my life, which is why in hindsight, it was so immense. I wasn't *just* grieving the person I'd lost - but everything I'd shoved into the corner and refused to acknowledge for 40 years.  My refusal to deal with any grief during my life caused it to become a tsunami that nearly destroyed me.

When my aunt committed suicide in Feb 2015, I was able to grieve deeply. However that wave of grief was manageable because I allowed myself to feel it all.  ALL of it. I also knew I would survive the grief because I'd survived it before.  It still wells up, but I don't fear grief in the way I once did.

I still work on my grief at nearly every therapy visit.  It never ends, but it is less sore.
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Trouble comes to everyone who dares to be a muse.
laudity
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Posts: 91


« Reply #4862 on: Yesterday at 10:34:38 pm »

I'm having a Friday night struggle. Too tired to do anything. Not able to focus on tv or books. Too early for bed. Several sudden waves of tears. I'm just putting in time until bed. Tomorrow will be much better.
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dr_evil
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« Reply #4863 on: Today at 08:28:27 am »

I'm having a Friday night struggle. Too tired to do anything. Not able to focus on tv or books. Too early for bed. Several sudden waves of tears. I'm just putting in time until bed. Tomorrow will be much better.

I'm sorry you were having a rough night. I felt like that on Thursday night, so I went to bed early.  Sometimes a funny movie will help me stop the tears. Other times a phone call with a friend can help.

I hope today is better. <hugs>
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Wheeeeee! You go, oh evilicious one.
laudity
Junior member
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Posts: 91


« Reply #4864 on: Today at 02:19:46 pm »

Thanks for the evil hug, Dr. Evil! Many hours of sleep later and life does look better. I'm having significant symptoms (pain and fatigue) associated with my current illness, which was fueling the despair last night.
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