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[merce]

O Woe is me!

O Forumties. Please offer advice on a rather personal topic. [wow, this is emotional and so a bit disorganized]

My brother and I had been very close as children. We had good reason to be.
He followed me to do his undergrad where I was in grad school.
I have loved nothing greater than him. I would watch him sleep as a baby and think God had created a perfect creature.  I think my mother and I spoiled him.

Some of you may remember my mentioning my little brother, a lawyer who had gone to Paris for an exchange then did a law program there and had an internship. He ended up unemployed which had me agonizing for nearly a year. He didn't/doesn't have papers. The woman he had met only months before getting fired began writing a check for his rent, taking him shopping, giving him a stipend. After a year of unemployment and her maintaining him he was offered an internship which paid little. I said to take it. She said it was an insult and to continue looking. Surprisingly he took the position and he and his girlfriend moved in to a new apartment. His internship doesn't pay enough for the rent or half the rent but at least he has an income. He proposed a couple of months later. Though she had said no to a wedding when he mentioned it in front of me in August, she said yes to the proposal when he made it in November.

Our mother is an adjunct. I'm in a VAP position but I'm hoping for a new TT in the fall.
My brother asked what dates would be good for a wedding. We both explained we would start the new semester in mid August around the 14th.

My brother and his fiancee showed me their save-the-date postcard to ask what I thought of the pictures they had chosen. The date is 18th of August.  The wedding will be in a church in the middle of nowhere France so even if I left the following morning I would probably not get on a flight and back to my college town in the middle of nowhere in time for the first class of the semester. We have faculty assembly the day before the wedding and our department meeting is the 13th. We'll have a new chair in our dept. I'll be in my last year of VAP. I'd just skip I guess.

But, if I get a new job. Can I skip new faculty orientation and department meetings and first day(s) of class?


To add to the complications, I'd assumed the date would be in June or July as he had been saying. I have a conference in Europe late June right next to where I need to see some archives for a week or two. I can't afford to pay Euro rent til August 18th.
The fiancee doesn't seem the type to have an in-law on the couch for a month or two. The flights as of yesterday were 1,700bucks roundtrip so going twice is also ridiculously costly. I'm actually pretty darned broke. Even with my university reiumbursing a chunk of the conference in europe it's going to be difficult. I'd imagined I'd only need one plane ticket and my uni would be paying a large bit of it.  I'd get a job for the summer but I wanted to finally make progress on my book project (archives are ones mentioned near conference site and in Paris where my brother lives).

This is months away. I shouldn't be agonizing over this. But I am. On the one hand I think you should choose whatever date is right for your own wedding, others be darned. But, then I think we are a tight family. We used to be anyway.

My mother mentioned that the date is difficult for us. She said especially for me.
I also wrote my brother very calmly just wanting to tell him now so it wouldn't be a surprise: I have to be on campus at my current Uni when he will have his wedding. I will be even more certainly unable to miss if ever I am starting a new position. He responded that  he gets it might be hard to organise for me. We'll figure it out sometime closer to the date. 



I guess I view a wedding as a big affair. I've been planning mine since I was 10.

My real question here to y'all is simply:
What would you think of a new TT who didn't show up to campus until after classes had started?
Or if you are a new chair of a dept., what would you think of the VAP who has been on campus a few years, who needs to get a job elsewhere or become a lecturer, if she were not in meetings and missed the first class?

[wilbrish]

My limited take: don't skip the first week. Beg your bro to reschedule

[mended_drum]

My limited take: don't skip the first week. Beg your bro to reschedule

I agree.  There are a few circumstances in which you can skip that week (death in the family, stranded due to volcanic eruption, etc), but you gave your brother the info.  He's ignoring it.  If you have a new job, go get started and send a nice gift for your brother's wedding.

[brixton]

First impressions really matter.  I really don't think you'll be mentally ready for even the second class if you're jet lagged.  On the other hand, you don't have the tt job yet.  Also, it's a long time between Feb and August.  The relationship could crash and burn before then. 

I'd say that he has made a decision himself, by choosing that date -- a decision that suggests the seriousness with which you hold the relationship with him and marriage, in general, doesn't match his feelings.  Make clear your disappointment.  If the tt job materializes, go out in June and celebrate with them early by helping with the planning, and then perhaps plan a stateside reception.  I'm sure it's a disappointment, but I do see a pretty serious vein of obliviousness that could indicate a self-centeredness, on his part.  It hurts to see that in someone you care about, but seeing it can help you negotiate the relationship in the future.

[profreader]

I also wrote my brother very calmly just wanting to tell him now so it wouldn't be a surprise: I have to be on campus at my current Uni when he will have his wedding. I will be even more certainly unable to miss if ever I am starting a new position. He responded that  he gets it might be hard to organise for me. We'll figure it out sometime closer to the date. 

It seems like you did the best thing. My brother also had a whirlwind relationship and announced a wedding date which was impossible for most family members to make on short notice.

A wedding, although certainly a life milestone, is something you can miss. The first impression at a new job is crucial. It sounds as though he understands that. It's too bad he didn't take this into account earlier, for you and your mother.

[sugaree]

Well Merce, what do you tell students who indicate that they plan to miss the first week of classes because of a far-away destination wedding?

I don't mean to be flippant because of course your brother's wedding is important. But you can't miss the first week of classes at a new TT job, you just can't (the poor reputation you'll get because of it will stick around for years and you'll have to work that much harder to overcome it).

Brixton makes a great point: go to your conference in June and plan to spend some extra days there, celebrating the big event ahead of time.

[spectacle]

The short version: my husband and I drove through Hurricane Irene this past August to get home in time for my first week at New Job (and his first week at his job - he's in his second year, but those kinds of impressions are certainly still important).  

We were at my SIL's wedding.  She'd asked us both to be in the wedding months and months in advance, and we'd been up front with her about our schedules.  She chose the date in spite of the fact that she knew it would be total chaos for us.  The hurricane was obviously no one's fault, but as a result, I arrived home mere hours before my first class at a new job, running on two days with no sleep and completely overwhelmed with stress. My husband and I are still kind of pissed at her for asking about our schedules and then completely ignoring our response.

I'd do the same thing again, though.  To me, missing the first day of class is totally out of the question; never mind the first week.  I'll also add the disclaimer that I'm pretty ambivalent about weddings in general.  I didn't have one myself and I can take them or leave them as events.  

If it's really important to you, you should make it clear to your brother that it is indeed a Big Deal and that you do not want to have to choose between his wedding and potentially making a bad early impression at a new job.

I don't mean to be flippant because of course your brother's wedding is important. But you can't miss the first week of classes at a new TT job, you just can't (the poor reputation you'll get because of it will stick around for years and you'll have to work that much harder to overcome it).

Brixton makes a great point: go to your conference in June and plan to spend some extra days there, celebrating the big event ahead of time.

I agree with both of these points.

[glowdart]

It seems like something you can work with easily as a VAP.  Can you just hold online discussions for the second day of class and ask a colleague to go in and do the syllabus & intro to the discipline/major issues song and dance on the first day?  

For a new TT post --  how sure are you that you're going to miss anything at the new job?  (I'm not one of those fora-readers with a fabulous memory for everyone's details -- do you have a campus visit set-up already?  Offer in the works?  Does that school actually start mid-August?  Do any of the places where you've applied/been shortlisted start that early?)  

And, I also love the idea of celebrating with them when you're over there in June; in many ways, that'll give you more time with them than you would get at a wedding.  

[wanna_writemore]

Things may work out just fine.  If you're still in your VAP, you've theoretically been there long enough that people would be willing to understand that you have a family commitment and everything that can be will be settled before you leave, and will run smoothly. 

It's also very likely that a new position wouldn't start that early.  In the several universities I've been associated with as a student or as faculty in different parts of the country, I've seldom started in August, and certainly not before Aug. 20.

[golden_ticket]

If the two of you are really as close as you describe, I find it odd that he didn't check in with you before setting the date. If you indeed start on the new job, I think it would not be well received to miss the first week (unless it's a life or death situation). I was in a very similar situation last year. My sister got married in summer (also in Europe) and I started my new TT job in August. My sister and I talked about the situation beforehand and she was able to choose a date that worked with my schedule. I would have skipped the wedding (and visited some other time) if there had been a schedule conflict. I don't care much about weddings in general though, and my sister would have understood.

[systeme_d_]

Things may work out just fine.  If you're still in your VAP, you've theoretically been there long enough that people would be willing to understand that you have a family commitment and everything that can be will be settled before you leave, and will run smoothly. 

It's also very likely that a new position wouldn't start that early.  In the several universities I've been associated with as a student or as faculty in different parts of the country, I've seldom started in August, and certainly not before Aug. 20.

This. 

Most places don't start as early as your current employer does, Merce.

[compdoc]

My new job required that I be at the office August 1. School didn't start till the last week of the month. But I wouldn't have thought I should miss new employee orientation and/or the first days of class.

It does appear that your brother is less interested in you being at the wedding than you are interested in being there.

[anon99]

My brother asked what dates would be good for a wedding. We both explained we would start the new semester in mid August around the 14th.

My brother and his fiancee showed me their save-the-date postcard to ask what I thought of the pictures they had chosen. The date is 18th of August.  The wedding will be in a church in the middle of nowhere France so even if I left the following morning I would probably not get on a flight and back to my college town in the middle of nowhere in time for the first class of the semester. We have faculty assembly the day before the wedding and our department meeting is the 13th. We'll have a new chair in our dept. I'll be in my last year of VAP. I'd just skip I guess.

But, if I get a new job. Can I skip new faculty orientation and department meetings and first day(s) of class?

Do you have a grant or can the university pay for your conference?  That would cover one trip.

If classes start the 14th, then you can see if you can get someone to cover your Friday classes (17th) and fly out then and return Sunday if need be.  While some places in the middle of France are remote, the trains (barring a strike) are frequent and fast.  The dept meeting on the 13th isn't relevant as that is far enough away that you can easily make it.

[lux_mea]

My experience might help you think through your situation.

I had a very similar thing happen as I started my current job. I made the decision not to attend my sister's wedding. Their decision to marry at that time came on short notice and I felt pretty guilty about not going. Ultimately, I decided that both my husband and I had invested much money and much time to get to the point of having a TT job, which I felt fortunate to land. Possibly screwing it up in the first week by being less than fully present would be crazy. My sister understood (after all, she hadn't taken my schedule into account in planning the wedding) and now, a couple of years later, I don't feel any sense of loss for not having been there.

[merce]

My uni may give me a small amount if I go to a conference. It will not cover even half the plane ticket much less the other costs. If the wedding and conference were nearer in time then I could feel good about getting the assistance. As it is I am really struggling with how I can afford things regardless of whether I have to miss a meeting or class or not.

My brother describes the situation as impossible. The church they like is available and they found a priest who could do it some time in the summer but the priest said he was going on vacation and so they are "forced" to take the date they have been given. They don't actually go to a church or have a regular priest. I think he figures they made a lot of effort but, as he said, "the date is the date" and so we just have to explain to our bosses that we have to be elsewhere those days.

I had imagined planning my summer around his wedding date. Now I think I should plan my summer around my career and deal with his wedding...well, later.