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[menotti]

I have a grad student who has a somewhat abrasive personality.  She's loud, tends to dominate discussions, gets defensive when corrected, can be borderline insolent with people like the dean. 

That said, this seems to be a manner issue rather than character- her immediate instinct is to get defensive, but she makes corrections as advised, seeks help when she needs it, and so on. 

I don't have a problem working with her. I like her fine.  But there are other faculty who don't, and other people have commented on her manner as well.

Her work is fine but nothing outstanding - she is not one who's going to be forgiven everything because she's so brilliant.

Should I say something?  Obviously I don't launch into a wholesale personality critique.  But is it part of my responsibility as an advisor to say something about professionalism?

[_touchedbyanoodle_]

I was an abrasive grad student. I didn't mean to be, but I was loud, enthusiastic, enamored with myself, and didn't have much audience awareness.

I found out nearly 10 years later that one of the big wigs really couldn't stand me and used to rag on me in meetings about us GTAs. As hard as it would have been to hear the feedback at the time, I wish somebody had told me then instead of years later, so I could have actually done something to correct it. It isn't like I completely lacked self-awareness. Had somebody tipped me off, I probably would have reacted badly in the moment, but then I would have sought advice from people I trusted and I would have worked hard to improve myself.

Tell her. If you don't think your relationship can withstand it, find someone else who can tell her.

[skeptical]

She sounds like many of the male graduate students with whom I interact daily. Are you positive it's abrasiveness and arrogance rather than assertiveness and confidence? Just wondering.

[larryc]

I'd talk to her. "Susan, your work here is being undermined by the way you go about things..."

[marigolds]

I'd want to know.

[oldfullprof]

I remember this woman who tried to set up white privilege boot camp in one of our seminars.  I was demonstrating before she was born, of course.  Naturally she was from a rich family, too.  She hated me because I made class analyses when I should have been discussing white evil.  She finally stayed away half the time and it was better.

[systeme_d_]

I think she might be one of the new posters here.  Maybe she will read this thread and get it.

[tinyzombie]

I think she might be one of the new posters here.  Maybe she will read this thread and get it.

I heart you.

[menotti]

She sounds like many of the male graduate students with whom I interact daily. Are you positive it's abrasiveness and arrogance rather than assertiveness and confidence? Just wondering.

I don't think it's exactly arrogance.  As I say, she can accept when she's wrong.  But her manner really is inappropriate at times.

[banana]

If you do mention it to her, Menotti, consider stating explicitly that you believe your relationship can withstand that kind of honesty.  That might soften the blow, and make her feel almost honored to be having the conversation with you.  [I've used this successfully with undergrads on occasion.  I say something like, "We've gotten to know each other pretty well, so I feel like I can be honest about this...," or sometimes, "I've gotten to know you pretty well, and you strike me as the kind of student who can handle constructive criticism..."]

[hipgeek]

If you do mention it to her, Menotti, consider stating explicitly that you believe your relationship can withstand that kind of honesty.  That might soften the blow, and make her feel almost honored to be having the conversation with you.  [I've used this successfully with undergrads on occasion.  I say something like, "We've gotten to know each other pretty well, so I feel like I can be honest about this...," or sometimes, "I've gotten to know you pretty well, and you strike me as the kind of student who can handle constructive criticism..."]

I think Banana is right that this "I'm telling you this because I respect you" type of preliminary will probably help though I've come to the realization recently that when I've used this preliminary it has generally actually meant "I have nothing to lose by telling you this and your attitude is annoying me beyond my ability to be polite and silent...."

Have you considered feeling her out first, maybe by asking how she thinks she's getting along with people....?  I actually don't see this as your responsibility unless it's the main or a serious contributing factor for her being refused a certain opportunity.  I'm of the mindset that people like that (defensive, abrasive) sometimes have to learn the way if they ever will change and even then change is difficult and often superficial or impermanent....

If this is her first semester, it could be a growing pains thing she shakes off when she realizes it's not doing her any favors.  It's tough to say without knowing all the details but I would say in order to avoid a defensive blow-up from her, approach the subject as casually as possible, perhaps in the the midst of a meeting where other non-fraught issues are being discussed as well, so it doesn't feel to her like you're calling her into your office simply to chastise her for her bad attitude (not that this is what you'd be doing, but it sounds like she could be somewhat over-sensitive, quick to feel judged).

[mountainguy]

I think it's possible to give constructive criticism without actually saying "people find you abrasive." Banana and LarryC offer good phrasing ideas.

FWIW, one of my professors in early grad school once pulled me aside and told me "I'd appreciate it if you would stop prefacing your remarks in class with _____________, and instead _________. It sounds more professional." I was somewhat taken aback, but I appreciated the guidance and ultimately made me a better student.

[theritas]

"Listen, you are a capable student.  Your manner is holding you back.  I advise you to consider (eliminating this phrase) (listening more often than you speak) (allowing other people to finish their sentences) (commenting on what others have said before launching into your ideas) etc.  You may find that people are more receptive to your input this way."

[zharkov]

Some people are just charm school dropouts, and a little mentoring is in order.

[larryc]

FWIW, one of my professors in early grad school once pulled me aside and told me "I'd appreciate it if you would stop prefacing your remarks in class with _____________, and instead _________. It sounds more professional." I was somewhat taken aback, but I appreciated the guidance and ultimately made me a better student.

An undergraduate professor took me aside after class and said "Young man, class participation also means knowing when to shut up."

The burn!