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[hipgeek]

26a.  Faster than a speeding bullet
26b.  More powerful than a locomotive
26c.  Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound
26d.  X-ray vision
26e.  Heat vision
26f.   Comes to the interview in tights and a cape

27a.  First Name:  James
27b.  Second Name:  Edward
27c.  Last Name:  Franco

So far, Mouseman wins.  

Heck, if you're Franco you will be promoted right to a cushy low-residency, high-pay, high-profile, highly ironic presidency, not of the uni, but of the entire college town--perks, not just close to the building parking but a chauffeur service, run by a different sorority or fraternity every month.  Plus, as Prez Franco you get to pick a new school mascot.  

Maybe if I get a Franco mask made, that'll help my chances....hopefully my breasts and lack of a degree in hand won't confuse the SC too much.

[histchick]

and, in his stint on General Hospital, Franco knew where the bodies were stashed...

[bcohlan1]

Franco's TT contract includes a separate parking space for his Japanese body pillow, Kimiko.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pwrf8loXceA

[lackademia]

29. A seminar devoted to your work at an Ivy featuring all sorts of soon-to-retire former future rock stars betting that you're the next version of themselves; your third book in press; and direct contact with dead philosophers and linguists by means of a home-made horcrux, based on several Lacanian diagrams and powered by Heidegger's tears.

[watermarkup]

30. The ability to simultaneously remind the SC chair, all SC members, the department head, and the dean of younger, idealized versions of themselves.

[anisogamy]

31. A theoretical orientation that is simultaneously obtuse and awe-inspiring, that did not exist at the time you entered graduate school and is diametrically opposed to the theoretical orientation you actually hold.

[canuckois]

27a.  First Name:  James
27b.  Second Name:  Edward
27c.  Last Name:  Franco

So far, Mouseman wins.  

Amen.