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[atlchemist]

I am ABD and on the job market for the first time. My in-laws live locally, and we are very close with them. However, my FIL is a bit of a meddler. For this reason, I have shared very little information about my job search with them--just that I was applying for jobs.

Now that I have received two campus interviews, I would like to tell my ILs. I know that they care for me very much and will be proud of me. However, I fear that FIL in particular will not be able to refrain from airing his opinions regarding the two institutions where I'm interviewing, and which one he prefers.

The ILs (but FIL in particular) did the same thing when we were buying a home a few years ago. We had narrowed down our search to three homes and drove the ILs by each of them. (We valued their advice but didn't want to go as far as to schedule another viewing with our REA.) FIL was very vocal, over and over, about how one of the homes was far better than the other two. Luckily, we came to the same conclusion as he did, but I would have dreaded any further conversations regarding the home if we had ultimately made a different decision.

Does anyone have experience with meddling family members? Should I just restrict what information I share with them? I know that the answer should be "it's my life, and my ILs' opinions don't matter," but that is more difficult for me in practice.

[seniorscholar]

Personally, I would not mention anything until I had an actual offer -- why put up with advice you don't want to hear and then, if neither winds up making an offer, listen to a whole lot of ill-informed criticism and argument. (Indeed, I had a non-meddling family that lived far away, but still didn't tell them anything about any interviews or, indeed, offers -- I told them about my TT job when I'd signed the offer letter.)

[glowdart]

My experience: I didn't have meddlers like that, but I did have the parents who would tell the family friends and the uncles, who would tell the aunts and the cousins, and then I'd get questions about the phone interview/campus visit at the next holiday (and the next) or over Facebook. So I just didn't say anything until I had an offer after that year.  

Is his voice going to echo through your head during the entire campus visit?  If so, then I wouldn't say anything.  I also wouldn't say anything because it sounds like you're going to face a lifetime litany of "Why X School Would Have Been Better" if you have two visits and get the offer from the one he doesn't like as much.  But, that's me.  I like peace and quiet when I'm dealing with already stressful situations.    

[larryc]

FIL: "Where are your interviews?"

You: "I'm not supposed to say. Colleges are weird that way, the interviewing process is supposed to be confidential. But if I get a job offer I can tell you. Wish me luck."

[nevertenured]

FIL: "Where are your interviews?"

You: "I'm not supposed to say. Colleges are weird that way, the interviewing process is supposed to be confidential. But if I get a job offer I can tell you. Wish me luck."

Or better: "I can tell you but I'd have to kill you." /deadpan

[ruralguy]

Yeah, definitely don't tell the IL's anything.

If they ask, just say "I do have interviews, but we'll fill you in if some offers come our way"

By the way, where is spouse in all of this? They are spouses' parents, right?

[atlchemist]

Yeah, definitely don't tell the IL's anything.

If they ask, just say "I do have interviews, but we'll fill you in if some offers come our way"

By the way, where is spouse in all of this? They are spouses' parents, right?

Yes. I haven't asked him to intervene. I did ask him not to mention my phone interviews, and he complied. But even if he asked them to MYOB, I know they'd be talking about me behind my back. Not because they're bad people, but because that's how they operate. Further, BIL is quite the mama's boy (he is 27 and very successful) and updates the ILs daily on every aspect of his life. So I think he encourages the meddling that I do not welcome.

Y'all are right, I shouldn't mention the interviews. My problem is that I'm chatty and like to talk about what's going on in my life. God help me when I'm pregnant, haha!

[offthemarket]

Oh Lord don't mention the interviews until you get an offer!

I think the meddling types often fail to hear the word "maybe."

[atlchemist]

My mom, on the other hand, has no idea that I'm even applying for jobs. She's had a rough year, and I hate to get her hopes up and then disappoint her if I don't get a job offer. But she lives hundreds of miles away, and it's a little easier to be choosy with what I share.

[scampster]

My mom means well, but if I tell her anything, she does tell all her friends. At Christmas this year, friends were over for dinner and she recounted all the places I got flown to last year. Thanks mom, I really needed that reminder of all the jobs I didn't get. It was especially hard though, as I live on the opposite coast as them and all my interviews were in their region (by pure chance) and so it was hard to talk to her and not mention that I would be nearby.

Oh, and how do you *not* mention you are getting flown to Australia?

[polly_mer]

LarryC nails it.  I'm currently dealing with meddling in-laws myself and life would be so much easier if I could just say, "I'm applying and it's ok", but because I owe those folks money (damn house that didn't sell and couldn't find a renter for a freakin' year), I do owe them better updates on possibilities (I'm trying, guys, I'm trying.  I've still got Zharkov law's applications pending).

However, if you are just dealing with people who are just chatty and interested, make your life easy and keep your cards close to your chest.  However, you may have to have a discussion that goes "Dearest spouse, STFU about my interviews or I'll stop telling you anything other than when I'm leaving and when I'll be back".  That was a discussion that didn't go well for me (did I mention I owe people money who would like to have it back at some point?), but that could be a conversation that you have to have for your own piece of mind.

Having to have the conversations that go, "Yes, that was a good interview, but I didn't get the job", from everyone including Third-Cousin-Twice-Removed Bob kinda sucks, as Scampster mentioned.  Don't do it if you don't have to do it.

[oldfullprof]

I moved far away from family as soon as I could.  Visits are now cordial, and feature no details about my job choices etc.  I tell MDOFP many details because she's good at listening and (now) has learned not to give me much advice.  We both debrief our respective department politics with each other.

[atlchemist]

I realize that I am part of the problem here. I am chatty by nature and like to share what is going on. But thanks everyone for giving me a reality check. If I don't want to deal with their opinions, I will keep the process to myself until it is concluded.

[scion]

I am familiar with the personality you are encountering, and you have my sympathy. Keep in mind that there is no such thing as a partially open door--it is either closed or blown off the freaking hinges.  Stay mum as long as possible.

[spectacle]

Be VERY careful and do NOT underestimate how far a Clueless Meddler will go.

My FIL once called "an old buddy" to try to "help out" when he heard I had a phone interview at a particular school.  Meaning, he called a low-level Admincritter in a completely unrelated department on a satellite campus and created a totally frakking humiliating situation for which I will never forgive him. 

After that, I never told my in laws or my own parents about anything to do with my job search until I had a job in hand.