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[feelingisolated]

Longtime lurker, occasional past poster, registered with a new moniker.

I'm in my second trimester and having the (what I hear are) usual fatigue, mood swings, depression, etc. I'm very worried these will be held against me, even though folks at my SLAC have been supportive so far. Last semester I had such severe all-day sickness that I missed a lot of classes, and barely managed to keep up via online software. My chair made what I interpreted as a passing remark about that today, and it set my inner wheels spinning. It's like there's no joy in my job anymore, I can't seem to work up any passion for it, and I have a hard time forgiving myself for this or pushing through.

Despite the moniker, I do have friends and family to turn to, and am married to a wonderful supportive partner. I just want my old self back, and I'm very afraid I'm never going to see her again.

[hegemony]

It sounds as if you need more support.  I would recommend a good therapist who's familiar with these issues.  She could be a useful sounding board, as well as someone who can help you figure out strategies to cope with everything that's going on.  The good news is that it will abate.  However, the timeline can't be predicted, and when the baby is born you'll be adding lack of sleep to the mix.  So do set up some extra support now.  Don't try to go it alone, though I know when you're feeling down it's hard to summon the energy to get extra support lined up.  Pregnancy and childbirth and taking care of an infant are demanding, and in the olden days you would have a passel of family members and people in the surrounding huts to help out.  We have to deliberately replace that support system with one that meets the demands of the present day.  Please be sure to take good care of yourself.

[collegekidsmom]

I thought exactly the same thing as hegemony. Even though women have such a variety of experiences going through the months of pregnancy, I think that if you are feeling mood swings and depression, that you would want to talk to your care provider about these feelings. A referral to a therapist as hegemony mentioned might be of great help now and later. The way you describe you reaction to comments made at work, and your lack of joy in your job anymore really sounds like it could be depression-and of course is treatable. Your old self can and will come back-you just might need a little extra support as you go through the pregnancy, birth, infant stage while continuing to excel at your job. The whole thing can be so overwhelming and it's easy to get off course along the way, especially if you just don't feel very good. Please don't compare your situation with any other pregnant woman, or engage in comparisons with anyone else.  Between work and pregnancy, there are a lot of times to get caught up in comparisons with what others are doing or feeling.  I wanted to send best wishes for better days, and hoping your doctor can make a great referral so you can get that excellent support that's available.

[irhack]

In addition you might check your vitamins, I suffered terrible fatigue with IRson that was relieved by taking additional iron on top of what was already in the prenatal.

[titania]

I have found pregnancy to be way harder than anticipated.  You will have to cut yourself some slack, even if not everyone else will.  The HR department where I am told me that they have provisions for disability leave based on morning sickness, so missing classes for this is not something to beat yourself up over.  I didn't use them because I got pregnant in May and was sick all summer, but I lost research time, and I was so sick that if I had been teaching, it would have been a disaster.  Also I have found that people are sympathetic some days and not on others, but memories of these things fade over time, so chances are if you do a good job when not pregnant, people will eventually forget any begrudging of accommodations during early times.

Hang in there!  I used to think 9 months was such a short time, but I am currently 8 months pregnant and it feels like I have been ill forever!  I have recently been working on coping strategies - when I feel a meltdown coming on (usually inspired by pain, frustration and concern over work) I go for a walk, or call a family member and just breathe until it passes.

[britmom]

OP, I really, really feel for you.

I'm going to tell you my experience, but I'm not in any way suggesting that this is what's happening, or might happen to you. I'm just offering it as a cautionary tale to back up what the other posters have said: better to get this out and discuss how you're feeling than to assume it's normal and something you have to put up with.

I felt very much like you described when I was pregnant. I don't know if it was depression, but I certainly worried myself sick over how this would affect work. I was the first academic to take maternity leave in the 100 year history of my department. I had no friends with children and no family nearby. Suffice to say, I felt very isolated and alone.

Things were fine for a few weeks after my daughter was born, but I began to go downhill soon after. The sleep deprivation, isolation, boredom made it all the more worse. From when she was 6 weeks until she was 6 months old I sat in the house and cried every day. Again, I thought that this was just me. I was missing work so much and just wanted to be 'normal' again. I desparately wanted my old life back. My conclusion to all of this was that I was a crap mother. After all, what kind of mother doesn't want to be around her child?

The mistake I made was that I put a brave face on it all. I never told anyone how I felt. It's for that reason that I'm writing this. I would hate anyone else to go through what I did. I think just talking to someone about how I felt back then would have made a massive difference, but I never realised that I could feel any other way.

I went back to work and put all of this behind me, but I never recovered. My research suffered terribly as the depression continued to stick around. I concluded that I must be a crap academic and, sooner or later, I would be 'found out' by my colleagues. The depression started to lift shortly before my daughter's second birthday. Not long after, I found out I was pregnant again.

To cut a long story short, the depression hit again with a vengeance. I ended up in hospital twice, under the care of a psychiatrist, taking a shed-load of medications and in therapy to try to get me stable again. My second daughter was two last week, and only now do I finally feel like I'm on the road to recovery. Again, I'm convinced that this was so bad because my original bout of depression was never addressed.

I hope I haven't scared you at all; I think my experience has been pretty extreme.  (There's a history of postnatal deprssion in my family so there was always a risk.)

Just in case you're wondering what happened work-wise: I'm in the UK, so things are probably different. When I went back to work after my second maternity leave (things were still far from stable), I went to Occupational Health and told them everything. They were very helpful, and have supported me in getting my research back on track. (Turned out they have to as I'm now covered by the Disability Discrimination Act). Most importantly, I've discovered that I'm not a crap academic. Now that the depression is under control, I can finally work (and write) again. However, I've lost 4 years of my work life to the postnatal depression.

Very best wishes to you (and titania).

[collegekidsmom]

Britmom, so glad you are doing better these days, and it is very courageous of you and incredibly helpful to other people that you decided to share your story. I have a family member who went through a similar experience with two babies, and so it really is probably more common than anyone thinks-especially when you find yourself alone and unsure.
Feeling depressed and worthless during pregnancy or anytime should never be considered "normal" and hopefully those who feel this way will reach out to the help that is out there.
Thanks for the good news that things are improving for you.

[britmom]

Thank you, collegekidsmom. I hope I haven't scared the OP away.

It's been a long fight, but it's wonderful to feel happy again. Unfortunately, my psychiatrist thinks that the second episode was so severe that it's triggered some permanent problems that will likely mean I need to take medication for the foreseeable future. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. I truly believe that getting help from the beginning would have made a big difference, hence my post.

[feelingisolated]

Britmom, thanks so much for sharing your story - I really appreciate it. It's been a rocky couple of years for me personally, and now I'm two years away from applying for tenure, I'm really trying to focus on my career. But that familiar feeling we sometimes reference here, that of feeling like a fraud and fear of being found out, has increased manifold. I was seeing a therapist who I didn't "click" with, so I'm planning this week to ask the OB folks if they can recommen one who specializes in these kinds of issues.

I'm glad you got and are getting the help you need, and I'm grateful for the advice and support offered here.

[britmom]

Britmom, thanks so much for sharing your story - I really appreciate it. It's been a rocky couple of years for me personally, and now I'm two years away from applying for tenure, I'm really trying to focus on my career. But that familiar feeling we sometimes reference here, that of feeling like a fraud and fear of being found out, has increased manifold. I was seeing a therapist who I didn't "click" with, so I'm planning this week to ask the OB folks if they can recommen one who specializes in these kinds of issues.

I'm glad you got and are getting the help you need, and I'm grateful for the advice and support offered here.

I'm glad you feel able to address this now - I hope it's helpful. Very best wishes, Britmom.

[icicles]

Feeling,

I'm responding to this because I saw your other post about a two-year leave of absence and went through to check your history. I'm pregnant as well (2nd trimester) and in a new job.

I don't know if this helps, but I am guessing it might not be a bad idea to talk with someone at your university about extending the tenure clock. I imagine it must feel overwhelming to not only feel that you have a new baby on the way but will have to bounce back with rigorous publication right afterward to get tenure. That must feel terrible, and keep in mind that some women feel the way you're feeling even when they have no immediate stresses other than having a baby and staying home.

I would be worried about making any sudden moves or long-term decisions while you are going through what may be mood swings and what may be depression. A short leave of absence plus possibly delaying the tenure clock to ease the pressure may help you feel like this job is less terrible. Did you like the job before the pregnancy? When I am tempted to do something rash, I imagine myself five and ten years out from making the decision and picture which is best for me in the long term.

Even though I generally love my job, the mood swings I've been having during pregnancy make me crabby once or twice a day. I don't intend to trivialize depression by talking about my mood swings, but I figure it's helpful to know that even someone who is not depressed can have responses similar to yours. Today even someone's voice was getting on my nerves while I sat in my office and overheard a conversation. It wasn't even a person talking about me or saying anything negative. Yet I wanted to yell "shut that whiny hole!"

Anyway, hang in there, and feel free to rely on us if you need anything.