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[totoro]

However, private R1 institution in a rural, unfriendly place to me doesn't indicate having the kind of group that will run by itself absent the professor.  On the other hand, that situation does indicate having a small enough group that the whole group could go somewhere for a semester.

It's U Rochester, Cornell, or Rensselaer, supposing the description is accurate. None is really in a rural place.

There is at least one additional Private R1 in upstate NY.  They have a good basketball team.

Syracuse.

It isn't RU/VH. Anyway, it isn't a rural area as such either.

[amlithist]

There are few jobs on the West Coast.  The cost of living is sky-high. Affordable housing is difficult to find, gas is sky-high, traffic is atrocious.  It is warm, though.

Not to be flipppant, but this reminds me of the uproar around here a few weeks ago, when Albert Pujols left St. Louis to sign with the CA Angels:  the local media had some uni accountants/economists run the numbers, and for the privilege of leaving li'l ole nowhere St. Louis, who would only offer him something like $18 M and change/year, Pujols is leaving a town where he (used to be) God for Anaheim, where he's a face in the crowd, for $25 M and change/year--but with the taxes, COL, etc. differences, he'd actually have been significantly financially better off to stay here in St. Louis.

Of course, we probably aren't talking money of the Pujols magnitude, any of us, but I'm just sayin'.  (And earthquakes, drought, wildfire, et al., are considerations for anybody--tenure and/or money, or not.)

[busyslinky]

Syracuse.

It isn't RU/VH. Anyway, it isn't a rural area as such either.

You're right, I just checked and surprised to see it was RU/H.  I lived in an era where Syracuse was considered a top Research University - R1.  Now they are just a Div. I Sports Power with its own scandals.

[fleabite]

As one who has always lived in the snow belt, may I offer one small idea? Having fun outdoors in the winter is much more appealing if you remain toasty warm. Do look for a coat that will in fact keep you toasty. I think you might be shocked at how it can change your perspective about winter weather. On a practical note, I find that ratings on parkas can be way off. If you buy one that is supposed to be good down to 0° and you are freezing at 30°, return it and try a different manufacturer or look for one rated for subzero temperatures.

[busyslinky]

As one who has always lived in the snow belt, may I offer one small idea? Having fun outdoors in the winter is much more appealing if you remain toasty warm. Do look for a coat that will in fact keep you toasty. I think you might be shocked at how it can change your perspective about winter weather. On a practical note, I find that ratings on parkas can be way off. If you buy one that is supposed to be good down to 0° and you are freezing at 30°, return it and try a different manufacturer or look for one rated for subzero temperatures.

I've lived in the snow belt and the southern heat.  For me the living is flip-flopped.  In the summer, you stay mostly indoors in the South, in the winter you stay mostly indoors in the North.  I think both have wonderful Springs and Falls.  The OP is writing about her concerns in the dead of Winter.  I don't think this concern would have been as obvious in the other seasons. 

[macaroon]

As one who has always lived in the snow belt, may I offer one small idea? Having fun outdoors in the winter is much more appealing if you remain toasty warm. Do look for a coat that will in fact keep you toasty. I think you might be shocked at how it can change your perspective about winter weather. On a practical note, I find that ratings on parkas can be way off. If you buy one that is supposed to be good down to 0° and you are freezing at 30°, return it and try a different manufacturer or look for one rated for subzero temperatures.

I've lived in the snow belt and the southern heat.  For me the living is flip-flopped.  In the summer, you stay mostly indoors in the South, in the winter you stay mostly indoors in the North.  I think both have wonderful Springs and Falls.  The OP is writing about her concerns in the dead of Winter.  I don't think this concern would have been as obvious in the other seasons. 

Unless you're big into the skiing, snowboarding, or snowmobiling.  Then, at the end of the winter, you're like, "Aw, snap".

[polly_mer]

There are few jobs on the West Coast.  The cost of living is sky-high. Affordable housing is difficult to find, gas is sky-high, traffic is atrocious.  It is warm, though.

This depends on where one is on the West Coast, doesn't it?  Rural Oregon and rural Washington are not LA.  I'm told even California has some rural parts that aren't particularly warm and that have reasonable costs of living.  However, those are generally not what people have in mind when they say, "West Coast". 

This is part of why I truly wonder if the OP is doing magical thinking.  She says, "West Coast", but in high probability she means, "In this tiny area where I once lived and can remember being happy enough".  Amazingly, those blinders are pretty thorough.

[busyslinky]

As one who has always lived in the snow belt, may I offer one small idea? Having fun outdoors in the winter is much more appealing if you remain toasty warm. Do look for a coat that will in fact keep you toasty. I think you might be shocked at how it can change your perspective about winter weather. On a practical note, I find that ratings on parkas can be way off. If you buy one that is supposed to be good down to 0° and you are freezing at 30°, return it and try a different manufacturer or look for one rated for subzero temperatures.

I've lived in the snow belt and the southern heat.  For me the living is flip-flopped.  In the summer, you stay mostly indoors in the South, in the winter you stay mostly indoors in the North.  I think both have wonderful Springs and Falls.  The OP is writing about her concerns in the dead of Winter.  I don't think this concern would have been as obvious in the other seasons. 

Unless you're big into the skiing, snowboarding, or snowmobiling.  Then, at the end of the winter, you're like, "Aw, snap".

How true.  Lots of good skiing in Upstate NY.

[wilbrish]

Good point, Polly.

[elbowteaching]

I was in Irvine for a few days last year for a conference.  It was sure heavenly, I skipped few sessions to take a long walk and then discovered that the hotel rents out bikes and they had a nice outdoor pool and a tennis court.    I landed late in the night at LAX, the palm trees and warm breeze, it seemed like the night was made for parties. Oh, if I lived here I thought I would never never work; I need to be a tenured deadwood to survive in this part of the world.

[brixton]

I was born in upstate ny and had tt in a small cold Midwestern town.  I skied,x-ctry and downhill.  I had an amazing landsend jacket-- of the sort Admiral Bird used on his polar trips.  (I agree a warm coat is crucial, as are seat warmers.). But also, as soon as classes ended in December, I was out of there.  No exams; papers due before t'giving.  And I didn't come back until the day before classes started in January.  That frequently gave me four weeks of warm weather, and allowed me to miss the grimmest, grayest days.    End of story: I gave up tt to be an administrator at a college in a small beach town.  I sometimes miss my job, but the weather-- not so much.

Any way you can disappear with kid while hubby is finishing grading.  Missing one month of cold can make a big difference...

[cathwen]

I used to live in the area of the country zoecat22 is talking about, having moved there from the mid-Atlantic region--and the adjustment was not at all easy.  Winter is indeed very, very cold, and relentlessly gray.  Cold can be dealt with, though.  Get yourself one of those LL Bean parkas that supposedly keep you warm to -50; get good heavy, warm snow boots, and to heck with fashion; invest in long underwear.  The grayness is something else, and I found that a bit hard to take.  Keeping busy helps, and previous posters have offered some good ideas.

Since you're at an R1, though, surely your husband's school has a cultural program.  The R1 in the town I lived in offered a fantastic concert series; the campus cinema brought in wonderful films; and have you considered auditing a course or two just for fun?  At my R1, it was not at all unusual for professors and/or their spouses to audit courses.  When I lived there, I audited courses in art history and music, and even learned a new language. 

But yes, winter is hard, and spring is iffy.  Hang on, though--summer and fall are glorious.

[zoelouise]

 It is also true that much of the reason for the way things developed goes back to our inability to find balance between work/career, family and the rest of life, and to our deeply held belief that we should give up everything for this tenure.

Is this belief still deeply held by both of you? It sounds like maybe your beliefs have changed.

If your beliefs have changed but his have not, then it's time to talk, maybe with the help of a good therapist.

(This last comment is NOT snark, by the way. I owe gratitude and any sanity I have, plus my happy marriage, to a series of good therapists. A good one can help you steer your car out of the ditch- but you still have to push the car.)

[oioioi]

I was on the other side of this.  I moved the spouse to a new, "unlivable" place where we hunkered down and made the best of it.  Didn't get all the way to tenure before we had to bail - hu couldn't stand it, despite trying (not hard enough in my opinion).  I'm on soft money now (non-TT) where we want to live, probably no chance of getting tenure one day.  The partner is very happy we're here.  I don't really care.  Glad hu's happy, but I wonder if it was worth me giving up all the security that would have come with the other job on tenure.  Choices.