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[emblem]

I'm curious what others would do in this situation...

Husband and I are both doing pretty well financially. We both have jobs. We have a house. We have a healthy savings account. We contribute enough to IRAs at work to get the employee match as well as max out Roth IRAs each year. We are expecting our first baby in May, and while I do expect that this will require readjusting our budget a bit, overall I think we are doing just fine and will still be able to save each month, etc. We do have some one-time expenses coming up (e.g., hiring a lawyer to get a will set up, buying furniture for baby, medical costs for having baby, a few upgrades to our house, etc). My husband's parents recently sent us a gift of $1400. Our plan was to put this money in savings and use it toward some of the larger expenses we have coming up over the next several months (although we have more than enough in savings to cover these things even without this windfall). I guess the best way to put it is that while we can certainly use the money, we definitely don't NEED the money right now.

In comparison, I have an older brother who is not doing so well financially. He has a phd and has never been able to find work. He has a lot of student debt. He recently moved back in with my mother. His car needs serious repair work done. He has a kid who lives several states away and who he hardly ever sees because he can't afford the trip. etc. etc. etc. 

He has never asked me for money. He doesn't really even tell me about his money troubles; I get all the info from my mother. Would you send him money? I just feel very sad about his situation. And my husband's parents' generosity to us just makes me think that we should be generous towards someone else who actually needs the money more. But on the other hand, this money will really do very little to solve his larger problems (doesn't touch the student loan debt, for example...). It might help him get his car fixed, but then what? We aren't in a position to keep sending money. I'm also not sure how he would feel about it. My guess is that he would take the money if offered but would feel pretty embarrassed about it. He's also never been good with money, so I have some concerns that he would take the money and "blow" it rather than really using it in a more responsible way. Then there's also the issue of honoring my husbands' parents; they gave us the money because they wanted us to have it as we prepare for baby, not to help out my unfortunate brother.

I just can't shake the feeling of guilt for having relatively so much when he has so little.

What would you do, wise fora? Would you "pay it forward" to a family member in dire straits? Or would you stay out of his money troubles unless asked?

[systeme_d_]

I'd send it on to him.

Sure, you can't fix his life, but $1400 might be a very big deal to him. 

However, if you can't keep yourself from inquiring about what he is going to do with it, then don't send it.  A gift of cash to a relative has to be given without strings. 

You've also got to be prepared for your mother to tell you he bought an electric guitar with it and plans to become the next Chuck Berry, and to react to that news without regret or reproach.  If you can't manage that last bit, keep the money.

[wet_blanket]

Exactly what systeme_d said.

It really depends on the dynamics of your relationship with your bro.  Would he perceive it - rightly or wrongly - as you trying to exert control over him?  Will you bring it up next time you have a fight over something unrelated?  Does the guilt you say you feel come because he has tried to make you feel that way?   Does he know you know he's struggling?

[polly_mer]

If you have a baby on the way, then you will need that money.  If, in a year, it turns out that you don't need the money, then send it to the brother.

But, yes, you do have to be ok with however he spends that money since it will then be his.  Don't feel guilty that you have so much while he has so little since you mention that he's never been good with money.  Send money for temporary conditions like having a baby, taking a too-little-paying job, or an illness.  Don't send money to people who are short on money because they are bad with money.

[eigen]

I think the relationship dynamic is important to. How will he react to such as gift for  his younger sister, and how will it effect the relationship in the future?

[science_expat]

I wouldn't send him the money.

Background:

A friend and I had a similar discussion a few weeks ago - neither of us had come into a sudden "windfall" but we are both well enough off that we could lend/give money to our struggling siblings. We're fine with this but the question is where would it stop?

My friend's situation involves a sibling who is notoriously bad with money and has taken on financial responsibilities for step-families beyond his obligation or means. She's helped out more than once for "emergencies" such as fixing the car but in practice that isn't how the money has been spent. They've now reached the point where she'll pay for certain critical items but only directly - through her credit card - to the person providing the goods or services.

I have decided on a different tactic. While I have not yet been approached by either sibling for money, I think it's only a matter of time. No doubt they'll ask for loans but I can't see any chance of being paid back. However, the problem is not lack of responsibility from them but rather bad luck due to their type of work and the present economy. Still, this could become a bottomless pit. Hence, I have set a (fairly generous) limit and, when asked, I will lend (give) them money up to that value. But not beyond it.

I do realize that it will be interesting to see if I can manage this in practice. With luck, we'll not get to the point where I need to report back.

OP - best of luck with a tough choice.

[ms_turtle]

I would not send him the money, and this comes from a person who has been there.

I've mentioned "Brother #3" in other posts. He's bad with money and is melodramatic about how unlucky he is. Yet, he's also dealing with life-threatening health issues (2-time cancer survivor, congenital birth defect, multiple joint replacements, etc.). He has an OK job with health insurance, but doesn't have two dimes to rub together at the end of the month. I have helped him financially with the medical expenses (deductables, co-pays, etc.) and will likely continue to help. The problem is that once you start, it will never stop. Sure, there will be lulls in the requests but the next one is just around the corner.

Spouse and I are financially secure, the house is almost paid off, and the kids' education funds are stable. Helping my brother hurts my savings account, but I keep telling myself that I'm making deposits in the Bank of Good Will.


In general, I do believe in "paying it forward" as a life philosophy, but in this situation would stick to your last statement.

Or would you stay out of his money troubles unless asked?

Yes.

[hungry_ghost]

He has never asked me for money. He doesn't really even tell me about his money troubles; I get all the info from my mother. Would you send him money? I just feel very sad about his situation.
[...]
I just can't shake the feeling of guilt for having relatively so much when he has so little.

I have a sibling like this, and like you, well, the Hungry family is not really hungry. I know how you feel. And, I know from experience that giving money to a sibling who isn't good with money is like pouring water into an open drain. It doesn't really fix anything and because of this, it isn't very satisfying.

Instead, why not use SOME of the money to give him something generous that he would enjoy, such as a visit to see his kid? You can check with your mom to find out if this would be appropriate.

He has a kid who lives several states away and who he hardly ever sees because he can't afford the trip. etc. etc. etc. 

A gift that isn't money keeps you out of his money troubles, and if you can think of a (one-time?) reason for it, there will be less likelihood that he'll ask for more, though it doesn't sound like he would, anyhow. My sibling never asks, despite the obvious need and disparity. Some people are proud.

Or, if he lives far from you, you could use some of the money to give you both a gift, and after the baby is born, bring him out for a visit to see his sister and meet his new niece/nephew. That would also resolve the issue of "honoring your husbands' parents." Or you could tell yourself that you're spending their money on the baby, thereby freeing up your own money to spend on your brother. It works out to the same thing but might be easier for you if you look at it that way.

[anon99]

Instead, why not use SOME of the money to give him something generous that he would enjoy, such as a visit to see his kid? You can check with your mom to find out if this would be appropriate.

Or use some of it to bring his kid out to see him-assuming they have a good relationship.  I also wouldn't give him all of the money as he needs to learn financial responsibility on his own. 

Your in-laws gave you the money for your baby.  Babies aren't cheap and I would put the money in a bank account for the baby whether it is for their education (yes I know baby isn't born yet) or baby furniture.

[clean]

The OP has already answered the question.

they gave us the money because they wanted us to have it as we prepare for baby, not to help out my unfortunate brother

Further:

A gift of cash to a relative has to be given without strings.

In-laws gift had strings too.

Use the money to start a college fund for your yougin. 

[clean]

Answer continues tangent:

1. Retirement.  You meet the match and fully fund your Roth IRA.  Have you looked into the Roth 403(b) at work?  You should each be able to save over $16,000 each.  There are also 457 plans available.

2. Brother.  IF you AND spouse decide that it is a good idea, why not send your brother something other than cash.  Get him a plane ticket.  Visit your parents and take his car in to get fixed and pay for it, or buy him a book and the parts (if he has access to the tools). 

[canadatourismguy]

How about putting it into a RESP for the baby?  That money could grow a lot in the 17 years until college and you may not be in the same good financial shape as retirement becomes reality.

[giacomo]

Answer continues tangent:

1. Retirement.  You meet the match and fully fund your Roth IRA.  Have you looked into the Roth 403(b) at work?  You should each be able to save over $16,000 each.  There are also 457 plans available.

2. Brother.  IF you AND spouse decide that it is a good idea, why not send your brother something other than cash.  Get him a plane ticket.  Visit your parents and take his car in to get fixed and pay for it, or buy him a book and the parts (if he has access to the tools). 

+1.

[wet_blanket]

There are lots of reasons not to give people gifts of money, and "I don't want to" is a perfectly good one.  But "he'll never learn financial responsibility" is a ridiculous rationalization, especially when we're talking about a one-time and unsolicited gift.

[dr_alcott]

There are lots of reasons not to give people gifts of money, and "I don't want to" is a perfectly good one.  But "he'll never learn financial responsibility" is a ridiculous rationalization, especially when we're talking about a one-time and unsolicited gift.

I tend to agree.

Confession: during lean times, my husband and I were on the receiving end of a couple generous gifts from my husband's sister, who has more money than she knows what to do with. She also jokes about her "liberal guilt" about the disparity between her corporate salary and ours as educators. (Specifics: she helped my husband with tuition years ago, telling us at the time that it was a loan and telling us later that she wouldn't let us pay her back. She bought us plane tickets when we couldn't afford to go to family gatherings. That kind of thing. When we would try to refuse, she'd say with a smile, "Just teach the children.")

We have never asked her for money or other similar gifts. I'm horrified at the thought. We were deeply humbled and touched by her generosity and would never dream of trying to take advantage of it.

I'm not saying there aren't good reasons to give your brother a gift, Emblem, but perhaps if you do, your brother will be like we were: extremely humbled, touched, and grateful.