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[hegemony]

firled, I'm sorry the relationship didn't work out.  These decision points often test whether a relationship is up to challenges.  It's disappointing when the answer is no.

I wanted to say something about your comment that many women academics say they find their families more fulfilling than their jobs.  I don't doubt that this is the case (and with many male academics too).  I submit that this is for the female academics who have chosen the right man for them.  If you asked divorced academic women "Which has been more rewarding for you, your profession or the man you're divorced from?", they'll say, "My profession, no question!"  So the key to finding a man who'll be as rewarding as a potentially-rewarding career is to find the right man.  It sounds to me as if, unfortunately, the man you were involved with may have had many wonderful qualities, but it just was not right enough.  There will be more chances.  Absolutely.

[titania]

Even if you are busy when you get to your new job, if this is really important to you, make every effort to meet people to date from the very start.  I never dated much throughout my life, but was lucky enough to meet my husband through online dating only a month and a half after I moved for a TT job and I am very happy with both job and marriage, although he still works 2 hours away so it has it's challenges.  Dating him my first year on the TT was incredibly difficult (I was so busy) but it was a priority for me, and I made it work.

I might add that I also dated the year I was on the job market.  Getting a job and finding someone to date were both highly uncertain and difficult ventures and I figured I would take my chances with both and just see what happened.  I am very aware that I got really lucky.

[aprilmay]

firled, I'm sorry the relationship didn't work out.  These decision points often test whether a relationship is up to challenges.  It's disappointing when the answer is no.

I wanted to say something about your comment that many women academics say they find their families more fulfilling than their jobs.  I don't doubt that this is the case (and with many male academics too).  I submit that this is for the female academics who have chosen the right man for them.  If you asked divorced academic women "Which has been more rewarding for you, your profession or the man you're divorced from?", they'll say, "My profession, no question!"  So the key to finding a man who'll be as rewarding as a potentially-rewarding career is to find the right man.  It sounds to me as if, unfortunately, the man you were involved with may have had many wonderful qualities, but it just was not right enough.  There will be more chances.  Absolutely.

Chime!

[buggirly]

Hi there - It's not the same of course, but I was in a similar situation six years ago.  I finished my PhD and my significant other had been waiting forever (long distance) for me to finish school.  He was in an established (non academic) career and was not willing to move because of it.  I had to make a choice at the time between our relationship and a post-doc across the country.  I chose to stay where he was, though I felt pretty sad and even a little resentful about what I was missing.  I took a job with local govt (didn't like it) but within a few months, found a post-doc position at a major Ivy League University  in our state, 1 hour drive away).  We got married, had a child, and upon the pending arrival of our second child last year, I found a really good fit tenure track position at an institution just 12 miles from my home.  We don't have a lot of Universities in my state and although I had to make some concessions to be at a smaller State Univ, I have no regrets.  After getting married and having children, my priorities have changed a lot.  I can still have a great career and also be a mom and wife.  I think if this man is truly the one for you, you can find a way to make it work out.  If you're lukewarm on the relationship at all, then I think the answer is obvious.    I wish you the best of luck in whatever you choose - I know it's a very difficult place to be. 

[itried]

buggirly, this is a really nice post. I'm so glad it worked out this way for you!

[socialpsychprofessor]

I am coming into this conversation a little late, but as someone who has just moved halfway across the country to take a tenure track job, I wanted to offer a little advice. Get involved in as many outside activities as you can. That might not be too many, with a new faculty position, but finding friends and feeling connected to your new home is going to be important in terms of your wellbeing and effectiveness as a new faculty member. I have been here 4 months now, and I have done my best to put myself in situations where I regularly see the same people each week. I joined a couple of rec sports leagues (starting a new one as each ended). There are rec leages of all sorts of things for all sorts of age groups, and most have an option to sign up independantly and get put onto a team. I like sports teams because you see the same people each week and there is a forced system of interaction and cohesion that is created. Many of them also have a social time afterwards. I tried out kickball (yes kickball for adults!) and soccer (which I have never played in my life). I got into beginner leagues and it is very fun and laid back.

If you don't like sports, maybe try bar trivia. That is something that is hugely popular, and there are often options for people of all persuasions (even those who don't really like bars). Games are often played starting at around 7, and there is plenty of time to chat between questions. I have also found a group who meets once a week to play board games.

I found the trivia team and the board game group through a website called meetup.com. It is kind of like online dating, but for making friends. There are meetup groups for all sorts of different interests, from book clubs, to movies, to outdoor activities, to karaoke. Some of the events have just been fun things to do for the night. I have done bowling and movie nights that were just a nice way to get out of the house and have some human contact. Nice people, but no lasting interactions. And I have found some people that I now consider my friends (like the trivia groups). Some may be great, some may be awkward, but that is just the way of socializing.

The other thing I can advise is be proactive. It may feel odd to be constantly asking people if they want to hang out, do something, etc., but it is the best way to make those connections.

Good luck!!!

[1564prof]

Socialpsychprofessor makes great points.  And the best time to insert yourself into a community is when you are new.  For your first year you have carte blanche to be curious and interested without seeming at all pushy.  If you like tennis, ask every pleasant person you meet if he or she plays or knows someone who might be interested in playing with you.  Same for book clubs or dinner groups or what have you.  Sure, you'll be busy, but developing contacts that can become friendships or romances should have very high priority.  Most people expect a new colleague to need some introduction into the community and are pleased to help.  If you wait five years until you are settled to try these strategies it will be much more awkward--and you will already be perceived as "too clumsy for my tennis league" or "too smart for my neighborhood book group" or what have you.  People are sometimes reluctant to unbalance existing relationships by shifting them, but when you are new, there is no balance yet and you have a great opportunity to shape that balance yourself.

I also admire socialpsychprofessor for trying new things.  No one knows you are horrid at volleyball or have never been in a choir before.  Just like a kid starting a new school, you have an option to craft a version of yourself slightly closer to the perfect-you-who-lives-only-your-head.  The one who invites people over for wine and cheese without engaging in a neurotic cleaning spree or the one who invites another new colleague to try a local hiking trail on a Sunday morning without dying of self-conscious embarrassment or the one who drops an email to the campus Habitat chapter even though you are afraid to climb on a roof and can't wield any tool more complicated than a hammer.   It won't all work out, but in a few years you'll have a new community and a few good cocktail stories about getting lost on the hiking trail or whichever other ventures went astray.

Good luck.

[bookwurm]

<...>I do not think that I will be fulfilled by having a career without a family and in many ways regret the fact that I spent so many years focused on academic work (MA &PhD) and did not make more of an effort to meet men. <...>

Firled:  Before I met Mr. Bookwurm and the Booklarvae were born, I thought very seriously of having a child on my own.  It's a great privilege to be a woman and to be living in a historical moment when single motherhood is thinkable.  Single Mothers by Choice (http://www.singlemothersbychoice.org/) is an incredibly supportive organization and may have a chapter in the region to which you are moving.  A number of single female colleagues have adopted children from other countries (Haiti, Ethiopia, China), and a few have had children via donor insemination, which can be anonymous donation or donation from a friend who may or may not be involved in the child's life.  FWIW, I think the single academic mothers I know are happier than the married ones.  It's harder to go to conferences, but co-parenting has its own challenges.