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[firled]

I am a 40 year old single female with no children and recently completed my doctorate at a major research institution. I am on the job market and have just been offered a tenure track position at a small liberal arts college in another state. My dilemma is that I have been dating someone for a year who is serious about us getting married but he is adamant that he will NOT move from our town because he has children from a previous marriage that he does not want to be too far away from. I can understand his rationale but he cannot understand why I can't easily find an academic job in the region we live in.

He has only a high school diploma and if I accepted this job I would be making three times his salary so we would be better off financially. I feel torn because if I accept the job it would mean ending our relationship since he would not join me in this new city. So accepting the job means that I would be single in a strange unfamiliar town. On the other hand, if I turn down the tenure-track position I may not get another chance given my age and the tight job market.  I would appreciate hearing the opinions of others on this.

[hegemony]

Considering it from the coldest possible perspective, the chances of your getting divorced are 50-60% (taking into account that your prospective spouse has already been married, as the divorce statistics are higher for second marriages); your chances of getting tenure are probably greater than that.

But of course statistics don't predict what will happen in any individual case, and we don't decide our love lives by statistics.  Is a commuter marriage a possibility?  I know several couples who have lived apart for a number of years, and indeed one couple who never lived together at all.  Many people find this a great strain, while some others perhaps even prefer it that way.  It may be that one or both of you couldn't countenance it.  If it were a possibility, you would have to accept that it would be your modus operandi for many years, but not perhaps forever.  There's a slim chance that you might land a job in his home city down the line.  There's a certainty that his kids will grow up and fly the nest at some point, even if they're only toddlers now. 

I can understand that someone with no knowledge of the academic job market would think that you could just get a job nearby whenever you decided to.  However, some serious conversation and some evidence ought to persuade a rational person that this is far from the case.  Is he open to listening to your greater knowledge of the situation?  If he's the kind of person who would resent you for taking a job far from his home base when, in his view, you "didn't have to," I would submit that this is not the kind of attitude that bodes well.

Should you decide to give up the job and stay where you are, you would want to map out what the future holds for you as far as supporting yourself.  You would want to be sure that marriage (or the equivalent commitment) is in the cards, and perhaps that you would be provided for if the marriage broke up before you got yourself established in some other line of work.  You would want to be sure you will soon have another way of supporting yourself.  The phrase "Hope for the best but plan for the worst" comes to mind here.  Divorce isn't the only risk; he could be hit by a bus, or lose his job, or be incapacitated by a heart attack, or many other things, heaven forbid. 

To my mind, you should be able to talk seriously and calmly about all these possibilities and options with him.  If you can't, if he pooh-poohs your concerns or fails to understand, or that's not a good sign. If he can take this dilemma seriously, you can move forward together. 

[hegemony]

Oops, I want to add one more thing.  It's not a choice between "Single forever with career, or partnered."  It's a choice between "Single for now, until you meet the next good guy, or partnered."  That's an important distinction.  Your life is far from over.  Trust me.

[monsterx]

He has a very important reason to stay.  In his position, I'd do the same, and I understand the academic job market.  Access to one's children is more important than a relationship.  And it should be.

You have a very important reason to go.   You'll almost certainly not get a job offer where you are (if you might, then that would change the calculus).  Did you get your PhD in order to be a housewife?

Sounds to me like a breakup is inevitable, unless you can do a long-distance relationship.

[firled]

Considering it from the coldest possible perspective, the chances of your getting divorced are 50-60% (taking into account that your prospective spouse has already been married, as the divorce statistics are higher for second marriages); your chances of getting tenure are probably greater than that.

[firled]

Hegemony, thanks for the thoughtful reply. You gave me plenty to think about. I am aware that we have a higher risk of divorce (I have never been married but he is divorced) if we were to marry. Plus, I think that if things didn't work out I may end up resenting my partner for impeding my career goals. Also, given that he does not have high earning power I would be considerably disadvantaged financially by taking up a community college position in my region instead of pursuing the TT. Perhaps the only option may be a commuter relationship as you suggest? This is a tough decision to make. I keep going back and forth in my mind.

[britmom]

He has a very important reason to stay.  In his position, I'd do the same, and I understand the academic job market.  Access to one's children is more important than a relationship.  And it should be.

You have a very important reason to go.   You'll almost certainly not get a job offer where you are (if you might, then that would change the calculus).  Did you get your PhD in order to be a housewife?

Sounds to me like a breakup is inevitable, unless you can do a long-distance relationship.

+1

[spork]

In this society you have to think about your own economic security first. The tt job is a much better investment.

His children will be grown in some years. If both of you are still interested and available then, he can move to wherever you are.

[milenka]

He has a very important reason to stay.  In his position, I'd do the same, and I understand the academic job market.  Access to one's children is more important than a relationship.  And it should be.

You have a very important reason to go.   You'll almost certainly not get a job offer where you are (if you might, then that would change the calculus).  Did you get your PhD in order to be a housewife?

Sounds to me like a breakup is inevitable, unless you can do a long-distance relationship.

+1

+1. I wouldn't want to marry a guy who doesn't mind being thousands of miles away from his own kids.

At the end of each relationship, everyone tends to think they might "be single forever". Here's a secret: most people meet someone else, and sometimes much quicker than they thought. Marriage isn't an insurance, either.

What I find strange though, is that you only consider this issue now that you are 1) considering marriage and 2) on the job market. As a grad student, one of the first big conversations I have with a new boyfriend after a couple of months is "I'm probably going to have to move for my next job. My career is important to me. To what extent would you be willing to relocate if this relationship works out?" If he cannot imagine ever moving from that place, for whatever reason (he has kids there, his own business, his sick mother, etc.), then those are very respectable reasons for staying, but it's probably better to leave it at that before becoming too invested in the relationship.

[itried]

I'm so glad that hegemony corrected your subject line; I was going to do the same. Breaking up with this man does not mean you'll be single forever, not by any stretch.

I agree with others here: I think the better choice is to take the job. What's more, I hope you celebrate the job -- congratulations!!!

[macaroon]

He has only a high school diploma and if I accepted this job I would be making three times his salary so we would be better off financially. 

But his kids wouldn't - in fact, his kids would be pretty screwed in this scenario.  They are minors, right?  I'm assuming he pays child support?  Would YOU pay his child support?  If his income goes down to zero during the move, how will he pay for child support?  Typically, when people quit or lose their jobs, they go down to court and get the child support modified, and if there's no job, there's no child support payment.  And the kids don't get clothes, shoes, school supplies, etc. 

No, he really cannot move.  Staying with his kids makes him a decent human being, and moving with you is completely off the table.  Non-negotiable. 


And then there is this:

Divorce isn't the only risk; he could be hit by a bus, or lose his job, or be incapacitated by a heart attack, or many other things, heaven forbid. 

... which means, you need to take that tenure track position. 

So, it's commuter marriage or breakup for the two of you.


Now, if the children are adults,  this is a different scenario.  How old are they anyway?  You may be able to convince him to come with you by putting travel money for him and his adult children (and potential grandchildren) into your budget.  Offer to arrange your lives so that there is always several thousand dollars set aside a year for travel money, and pay for the childrens' airfare. 

[anon99]

He has a very important reason to stay.  In his position, I'd do the same, and I understand the academic job market.  Access to one's children is more important than a relationship.  And it should be.

You have a very important reason to go.   You'll almost certainly not get a job offer where you are (if you might, then that would change the calculus).  Did you get your PhD in order to be a housewife?

Sounds to me like a breakup is inevitable, unless you can do a long-distance relationship.

+1 (I think that makes it 3).  He wants to be close to his kids and that is understandable.  His kids won't be there forever. At some point they will graduate and move on with their own lives.  If I was in your position and turned down the TT offer, I would probably resent him and that wouldn't be good for either of you.

How far away is the TT position from where you currently live?  You mentioned next state, but not distance.

[dr_alcott]

I agree with Macaroon.

One more (perhaps minor) thing:

Also, given that he does not have high earning power I would be considerably disadvantaged financially by taking up a community college position in my region instead of pursuing the TT.

Are you sure about this? Some CCs offer very competitive salaries. There are plenty of reasons to turn down a career in CCs, but salary might not be one of them.

[macaroon]

Also, given that he does not have high earning power I would be considerably disadvantaged financially by taking up a community college position in my region instead of pursuing the TT.

Are you sure about this? Some CCs offer very competitive salaries. There are plenty of reasons to turn down a career in CCs, but salary might not be one of them.

I'm assuming she means in the adjunct pool.  But yeah, OP - the tenure track positions at community colleges pay just as well as anyplace else. 

[theritas]

Also, given that he does not have high earning power I would be considerably disadvantaged financially by taking up a community college position in my region instead of pursuing the TT.

Are you sure about this? Some CCs offer very competitive salaries. There are plenty of reasons to turn down a career in CCs, but salary might not be one of them.

I'm assuming she means in the adjunct pool.  But yeah, OP - the tenure track positions at community colleges pay just as well as anyplace else. 

The one closest to where I live pays lower than high school teacher positions.