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[lionelwashington]

...I am concerned about a colleague-friend. 

Here's the story:  She and her spouse have a daughter who is a freshman this year at a very good university.  Since my friend and her husband really struggled to pay off all of their student loans, they do not want their daughter to have any college debt.  So, they are moving heaven and earth to pay the $10,000+ per semester tuition bill out of pocket themselves:  they've taken on extra teaching, sold their second car, cut back on many/most amenities (cable tv, vacations, eating out, etc). 

What concerns me is their daughter's lack of appreciation, awareness, acknowledgement (or whatever you want to call it) for this sacrifice. 

For instance, all this past semester, instead of eating her meals at the dining hall as part of her already-paid-for meal plan, she used her campus points debit card to eat at the various restaurants around campus with her friends.  She rationalized or justified this additional expense by telling my colleague and her spouse that they wouldn't want her to miss out on important socializing opportunities or fun times that make lifetime college memories because she had to go to the dining hall and eat there alone when everyone else was going to eat at the campus cafe or pizza shop.  And, my colleague-friend and her husband--not wanting their daughter to be unpopular or to be unhappy at college--kept coughing up another couple of hundred dollars every few weeks to add points to her debit card so that she could eat out. 

The daughter gives the same excuse as to why she can't get a part-time job--she has never had one, in fact.  Ever.  And has no plans of getting one this coming summer ("I'll need to relax and decompress from all of the stress and the hard work of my first year.")  Meanwhile, both of her parents will be teaching extra classes to make the extra money needed to pay her coming tuition bill.

I could provide many other examples of similar behavior.  But, the one that really got to me occured just before Christmas. 

My colleague-friend went on the internet and downloaded the reading lists for all of her daughter's spring classes (something that, imho, the daughter could have tracked down and printed out for her mom), so that she and her husband could begin going around to various local bookstores looking for cheap, second-hand copies of these books to save some money.  The daughter has not been going with them on these trips nor has she been helping them with the quest in any way (such as looking on eBay or Barnes & Noble or whatever for used copies, etc etc).  Her excuse:  that she is only home for a few shorts weeks and surely her mom and dad don't want her to miss out seeing all of her hometown friends because she has to go looking for used books.

I know that I shouldn't say anything to my colleague-friend about this situation--and I won't.  We are all aware of what a tricky/touchy subject parenting practices can be, and I can't imagine that any good would come out of this conversation.  I suppose that I simply wanted to vent here.

I am just so sad/frustrated/angry that my colleague-friend is being "taken advantage of" by her daughter, and I am concerned that this young woman will grow up to be a spoiled, entitled, ungrateful, unmotivated, bratty woman (if she isn't already). 

Then again, as I don't have children, perhaps I am being too hard on my colleague-friend's daughter--as well as her parenting decisions.  I am from a different generation that operated according to different parenting philosophies, and times have changed.

[txgalprof]

It's not really your business.

In giving the daughter the benefit of the doubt, which maybe unwarranted-- the frontal lobe is not fully developed until the mid-20s... that can explain a lot of poor choices.

Most likely the daughter has not had to deal with money before, and doesn't really comprehend the full extent of her parent's sacrifices.

[the_honey_badger]

I think the problem started long before freshman year.  Obviously these people have done everything for the child (and I do mean "child"), have taught her that her desires trump all else and no one involved seems to think anything is amiss with this situation.  I find it as appalling and as (ultimately) debilitating to this kid's development of maturity as you do. Change the details and you have my sister and her two (spoiled) daughters.  But, as I learned long ago, she created these dependent creatures and she's going to have to live with the consequences.

There isn't much you can say and very likely someone else already has ---and been ignored.

[anisogamy]

It's not really your business.

In giving the daughter the benefit of the doubt, which maybe unwarranted-- the frontal lobe is not fully developed until the mid-20s... that can explain a lot of poor choices.

Most likely the daughter has not had to deal with money before, and doesn't really comprehend the full extent of her parent's sacrifices.

I think that's probably it.  She sounds like she's being incredibly bratty, but also like she hasn't had the context and perspective to know better.  Now, her parents would be in the best position to make sure she gets that perspective sooner rather than layer, but that needs to be their choice.  I think advice from a non-parent friend on this score is far more likely to damage the friendship than lead to a change in the daughter's behavior.

That having been said, I do have to wonder how kids grow up with this blasé attitude towards milking their parents' resources.  My parents never had much money to help me out, but they did what they could and I got myself through my education with a series of jobs, scholarships, loans, and credit card debt. The credit card debt isn't entirely advisable, but I can't fathom how much easier it would have been if I had a family who could support me past age 18.  

[hungry_ghost]

You are correct that it is none of your business, and that there is really nothing you can say. Even so, I think we all can sympathize with your urge to say something. This is a good place to vent.

I see great irony in this story. Your colleagues seem to have learned major life lessons about money and debt from their difficult experience, and as a result they are willing and able to make significant sacrifices to stay out of debt, or rather, to keep their own child, whom they dearly love, out of debt. The irony is that by protecting their child from financial realities and from hardship, they are not allowing her to learn the same lessons they learned. They are denying her the chance to learn from the same school they went to, the school that teaches better than any parent or professor ever could, "the school of hard knocks." It is too bad for your colleagues, who are sacrificing for someone who (at least now) is not showing any gratitude, but even sadder for their child, whose resulting lack of financial savvy may cause her to suffer more in the long run than her parents ever did.

Still, thank you for posting this. It may not be helpful to your friends, but it is helpful to me. Both Hungry parents are scrimping and saving in hopes that someday the Hungry Children will graduate from college debt-free. This is a cautionary tale of how not to do things.

[althea]

I don't buy this excuse of undeveloped frontal lobes for every bad behavior. The brain is plastic and develops according to the demands placed upon it. If the frontal lobes are not developed, maybe it's because nothing is being expected of these "children." There has been a great deal written lately about extended adolescence.

[anon99]

The irony is that by protecting their child from financial realities and from hardship, they are not allowing her to learn the same lessons they learned. They are denying her the chance to learn from the same school they went to, the school that teaches better than any parent or professor ever could, "the school of hard knocks." It is too bad for your colleagues, who are sacrificing for someone who (at least now) is not showing any gratitude, but even sadder for their child, whose resulting lack of financial savvy may cause her to suffer more in the long run than her parents ever did.

+1  When daughter finishes university, she will have no idea as to how to handle finances.  Your friends are letting their daughter treat them this way and take advantage of them  As hard as it is, it is their problem choice. 

PS Just because you don't have children doesn't mean you don't understand what it is like, afterall you were once in the child's position.

[hegemony]

Although the child looks as if she's the unhealthy one in this dynamic, the parents who choose to sacrifice so much to support this lifestyle are also responsible.  Presumably if you know the daughter is living is this way, they do too, or they could easily find out.  They have chosen to continue sacrificing for her despite the situation.  That's their choice.  My guess is that they don't want to do things differently.  Again, that's their choice.

[itried]

Wow, what a manipulative little brat. And, yes, her parents have a lot to do with that. Unfortunately, there's nothing you can do, but I do concur with your and others' assessments here.

[octoprof]

It's none of your business.

And, it's probably not a unique story, eh? Loads of over helpful and caring parents have loads of ungrateful and wasteful children. Some of that is the parents' fault.

Little Miss Entitlement should be forced to have a job in the summer, preferably full time, to get a reality check, before she can go back to college in the Fall.

[bacardiandlime]

I agree with the others who have said the parents have chosen this situation.

First, this didn't just start with college. They have been rolling out the red carpet for this kid her whole life, I'm sure.

Second, the daughter may not really understand the financial dynamics, because the parents are actively concealing the situation. By which I mean, they have not explained to her the level of scrimping/saving/extra teaching that is necessary to pay for her education. This might be because they don't want her to feel guilty, or it might be that they actually don't want to lose face in front of their child, and admit that their academic careers don't easily cover the kind of lifestyle that perhaps her friends' families can afford.

I'm guessing the daughter is oblivious. The scouting for second-hand textbooks might have been a clue for her to pick up on, but she's a teenager. Probably just thought her parents were being a drag.

[polkadott]

I think I recently got an email from this young lady, complaining that she deserved an A in my class.  Sigh.

[prytania3]

It's so not your business, and Hegemony is right. The parents have chosen this situation, too.

That said, I was a hideously ungrateful college student whose rich parents lost all their dough my sophomore. I had no pity, and I was aghast that I had to sink to student loans. However, there was an unspoken agreement in my family. The adults were allowed to drink, carry on, neglect me in many ways, and I put up with it as long as the money flowed. They broke their end of the bargain.

I'm not saying your friend's daughter has had to put up with bulls*** at home, but it's entirely possible. You never know what's going on in the home; moreover, she will be hurt by this much more than her parents because she will have a hard time with financial responsibility.

[macaroon]

I'm not saying your friend's daughter has had to put up with bulls*** at home, but it's entirely possible. You never know what's going on in the home; moreover, she will be hurt by this much more than her parents because she will have a hard time with financial responsibility.

Yes, none of your business, and pry may be right - in  dysfunctional households, cold, impersonal money is the last thing left to maintain or save the relationship. 

So, I had a roommate during my first year in grad school.  She was a physical therapy student, and from a wealthy family.  Her elderly parents put off their retirement in order for her to go to PT school loan-free.  This kept her up at night.  She felt horribly guilty, and begged her parents to retire instead of pay for her schooling, but they wouldn't let her.  They had also taught her how to make a budget.  Good people, all of them.  Since living with her, I've come to appreciate that there are many young people that truly DO appreciate what their parents are sacrificing.  It's not as easy to see, since the entitled brats are so obnoxious, but now that I know what to look for, I can see the snippets of gratitude in my own students. 

We'll try to support our kids more than our parents did for us.  With me, I was able to maintain a high GPA even with work, but my husband wasn't.  With my own students, I HATE it when they can't do study groups or make it to office hours because of work. Or when they end up falling asleep in my morning class because they worked the night shift.  That's not good. 

[hungry_ghost]

I gave this more thought. If your colleague brings the situation up again, and depending on what kind of friendship you have with her, and if you are self-disciplined enough to say just one sentence and let it drop, you just might be able to say something like this: "you and Mr. Colleague have such great budgeting skills/ financial self-discipline etc, I hope you're finding ways to make sure that Beloved Daughter learns those important skills." In other words, frame it as a compliment to the parents.

But, if you're like me, the moment you said that one sentence, a whole torrent of unsolicited advice might come flooding out afterward and wipe your friendship off the map, so you'd have to have the self-restraint to drop it forever if the colleague didn't pick up on the conversation. Plus, you might not have the kind of friendship that would allow this conversation. Use your best judgment. And good luck to your colleagues and their child.