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[notaprof]

Lack of light seems to be huge for me, and I always find the last couple weeks before the solstice particularly hard.  It got easier once I finally realized this and every year now, I just remind myself of that and try to get what available light there is in the day.

I already feel better, as I always do once the calendar turns that corner, and the "holidays" are over, for all the reasons Fiona gave.  Too many family minefields, bad memories, societal expectations....ridiculous.  Bring on MLK's birthday and spring!

Spring comes for you in mid-January?  Lucky you!  

I think Alley was referring to spring semester. Our starts the day after the MLK holiday.

[msparticularity]

Next year, I swear, I'm heading to an island somewhere, an island with lots of sunshine and no one related to me.

MrP and I spent one very lovely Christmas on the train on a cross-country trip. On Christmas morning we were headed through the Rockies, watching the bald eagles who were wintering along the Colorado River in the lower elevations (near Glenwood Springs). It was too fabulous for words--and the best part was that, although we did see some relatives over that break, we weren't actually with any of them in large groups for the big holiday gatherings that lead to the meltdowns.

[alleyoxenfree]

Lack of light seems to be huge for me, and I always find the last couple weeks before the solstice particularly hard.  It got easier once I finally realized this and every year now, I just remind myself of that and try to get what available light there is in the day.

I already feel better, as I always do once the calendar turns that corner, and the "holidays" are over, for all the reasons Fiona gave.  Too many family minefields, bad memories, societal expectations....ridiculous.  Bring on MLK's birthday and spring!

Spring comes for you in mid-January?  Lucky you!  

I think Alley was referring to spring semester. Our starts the day after the MLK holiday.

Good interpretation - I do think of everything after mid-January as spring semester, whether it's technically called that at my university, or whenever it starts.   Actually, I think of mid-January as the start of spring because every day, it gets closer to warmth, sun, and daffodils.  I consider each snowstorm just a freak occurrence between me and spring.  That's just the way I roll.....

[proftowanda]

Lack of light seems to be huge for me, and I always find the last couple weeks before the solstice particularly hard.  It got easier once I finally realized this and every year now, I just remind myself of that and try to get what available light there is in the day.

I already feel better, as I always do once the calendar turns that corner, and the "holidays" are over, for all the reasons Fiona gave.  Too many family minefields, bad memories, societal expectations....ridiculous.  Bring on MLK's birthday and spring!

Spring comes for you in mid-January?  Lucky you!  

I think Alley was referring to spring semester. Our starts the day after the MLK holiday.

Good interpretation - I do think of everything after mid-January as spring semester, whether it's technically called that at my university, or whenever it starts.   Actually, I think of mid-January as the start of spring because every day, it gets closer to warmth, sun, and daffodils.  I consider each snowstorm just a freak occurrence between me and spring.  That's just the way I roll.....

Ah, got it.  "Spring" semester is such a misnomer here in SAD country, where spring starts around mid-June.

[merinoblue]

Next year, I swear, I'm heading to an island somewhere, an island with lots of sunshine and no one related to me.  How's that for controlling my reaction:  Catching rays, not reacting, not even having to guess and gamble on anything more complicated than the level of UV protection to apply?  If only there were a lovely lotion to apply at this time of year that would increase UV rays -- and protect us from expectations.

I just did this. It's my savoir at this time of year, when I'm alone at Christmas and the light is low.  No Christmas celebrations; no shopping; and no obligation to talk with anyone, unless I want to.

[infopri]

Next year, I swear, I'm heading to an island somewhere, an island with lots of sunshine and no one related to me.

I'm in Somewhere Warm, and the sunlight makes an amazing difference.  MyCity is always gray--always--and especially so during the winter.  After 35 years there, it's easy to forget that the sun shines in other places.  I've noticed a huge mood improvement whenever I go to Somewhere Warm--just one reason we bought a house here.

Happy new year, to everyone.  Now that the holidays are essentially behind us, may you/we all look forward to a prosperous year full of peace, joy, success, happiness, good health, and contentment.

[2clueless]

Other posters have offered wonderful advice. Unfortunately, one of the ironies of depression is that a signature belief of the condition is that the individual is powerless to make things better; the main challenge for a therapist in treating depression is convincing someone that she/he is able to do something differently than she/he has been doing. It sounds like you believe that you can take action to help yourself feel better: that is incredibly powerful.

I am thinking about the therapy route, I need to build up courage to make that phone call. 

It's tough, but honestly, making the phone call is the biggest step in the process. You can do it, as difficult as it is. If you find that it's a serious challenge, can you find someone who can hold your hand as you make the call? Or be present to encourage you beforehand and cheer you afterward? If you don't feel comfortable telling anyone in your in-person network, there are many good internet fora for depression or I suspect that many here would be willing to support you via PM, email, etc. as you make the call.

I don't want to tell my spouse.  I know my spouse would be comforting but I feel even more depressed thinking about how pathetic I sound when talking about this. 

I've had a very difficult year. When I attempt to give voice to my experiences or emotions, I've found that the words often stick in my throat: it's almost a physical sensation. I suspect that your spouse can tell that you're overwhelmed, even without any words. Would you feel comfortable saying something brief and general, like "I've been feeling really overwhelmed the past few days. I don't know why, but can you give me a hug/hold me while I cry/tell me that it will be okay?"

Sometimes I feel like my children are the only reason I am living.

Hold onto this tightly. Do whatever you need to do to keep this thought in your mind. Over the past six months, I thought daily about suicide and desperately wished that I had the courage to kill myself - and then I would look at the PlumPups and think that no one could possibly love them as much as I do, so I needed to stay alive to take care of them. It didn't diminish my self-hatred that I felt/continue to feel sometimes, but it kept me firmly committed to the world of the living. You need to have more reasons to live than your children, of course, but depression has a funny way of tricking us into believing that there's no hope or reason for living, and it's important to have an anchor and a motivator to help you claw your way up from the malstorm.

Keep us updated on how you're doing, please. As others have said, many of us have been there and it's both normal and common to feel like you do right now. Others have managed to escape - you will too.

[crumpet]

I hate to hijack this thread, especially since I was encouraging in my past post. I've hit my own low again today and its really hard to go through it again. I don't even know who to talk to sometimes. Its agonizing.

OP, you have lots of support from all of us and my apologies for my glimpse of glum.

[basketeer]

If you decide to look for a support group off campus, NAMI (nami.org) lists resources nationwide on their website. Or you can go directly to the DBSA (Depression & Bipolar Support Alliance) website. They have chapters and hold meetings in all  major cities.

Good luck, my thoughts are with you.

[tinyzombie]

I'm sitting here crying for the 4th night in a row.  Things have been only slightly more stressful than usual but for some reason I can't shake feeling these negative thoughts.  I don't want to tell my spouse.  I know my spouse would be comforting but I feel even more depressed thinking about how pathetic I sound when talking about this.  Sometimes I feel like my children are the only reason I am living.  I feel like everyday stressors are building up and I can't handle it anymore.  What do I do?

You need to calm down and look at the big picture.  Work related stress is a terrible thing, but even if everything failed, you would still have your spouse and children.  And really if work stress is getting to the point that you are crying at night, it might be time to consider another career or field of study.

You a**hole spammer. Reported.

[feelingisolated]

I feel the same way as the OP, although I do have a good spouse who I pour it out to. Sometimes the work and the business of living and paying bills and remembering to do everything and thinking about so much stuff just gets overwhelming, and it can lead to paralysis, a feeling of just wanting to quit. Ditto on the therapy and meds - they're not for people who are too weak to handle their own problems, as I once (stupidly) thought. They're tools for regathering and gaining strength.