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[studentperson]

I'm sitting here crying for the 4th night in a row.  Things have been only slightly more stressful than usual but for some reason I can't shake feeling these negative thoughts.  I don't want to tell my spouse.  I know my spouse would be comforting but I feel even more depressed thinking about how pathetic I sound when talking about this.  Sometimes I feel like my children are the only reason I am living.  I feel like everyday stressors are building up and I can't handle it anymore.  What do I do?

[citrine]

You're not pathetic. Honest. But you do sound overwhelmed and depressed, and I think it would be good if you had someone to talk to who can help you, even if it's not your spouse. It sounds like a therapist could be a big help -- either one you find on your own, or if you have a doctor, maybe s/he can help you find one (and also be someone to talk to in the mean time).

There's nothing to be ashamed of here. I mean it.

[msparticularity]

This sounds to me like depression--something that I, too, have struggled with for most of my life. This time of year can also be worse for many people; it's called SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) and is actually due to lack of adequate sunlight. Also, remember that the holiday season is quite sad and stressful for many people, which is made all the harder by the cultural focus on merriment and joy and all that stuff.

There are some simple self-helps if this is not a usual pattern for you. They include: 1) exercise for an hour or so a day; 2) cut out alcohol or anything else that could be a depressant; 3) pay attention to what you are reading and/or watching, and cut out anything that could be contributing to your sad or stressed feelings; 4) do a little extra self-care for yourself, including anything like baths, soft music, scented candles or lotions that you enjoy, massage, or whatever. Also, if possible, get out into sunlight if there is any in your area, and/or get some full-spectrum lighting for your home; a single high-intensity full-spectrum light in your regular working area can really help.

Most of all, hang in there! If the self-help stuff doesn't help you, it's quite possible you've slipped down into a rut that will require a bit more help to get out of--but remember, this is not unusual, and you are not weird and pathetic. Many of us have struggled with this; we live in an unusually stressful era, and these last few years have been truly terrible for so many. Also, remember that there is no shame in seeking medical help for a medical condition, and depression is, really and truly, a medical condition. There are at least a couple of threads in the Health Issues child-board where we regularly discuss depression and anxiety issues, too--come on over! Many of us (including me) have taken prescription antidepressants at least some of the time, and have also found complementary therapies helpful.

[studentperson]

Yes with this season I have been exercising less and drinking more.  Seems so clear when you wrote that out.  At least I can start with that.  I am sick of feeling like this and want to be a happy parent to my children.  I am thinking about the therapy route, I need to build up courage to make that phone call. 

[proftowanda]

You sign yourself as a student, so you can contact counselors at your student health center.  Do so right away.

And definitely stop drinking.  Alcohol is a depressant.  What you can put in your body is some Vitamin D, which is said to help with Seasonal Affective Disorder (I have it, too).  That's in addition to all of the good advice above.

Take those steps, just three steps, one at a time, and then congratulate yourself -- because the most important thing you can do to fight depression is to do something positive, instead of doing the negative things.

[infopri]

One of the inherent challenges of depression is that the person suffering from it (a) is slow to recognize that s/he is depressed, and (b) is reluctant to talk to anyone about it and take the steps necessary to get past the depression.  Starting this thread was a good start.  Limiting your drinking and increasing your exercise is definitely a good second step, and might be all you need.  But if you need more, please, please talk to your doctor.  (And yes, if you don't have a doctor and you are a student, go to the student health center.)  There are many treatments for depression--which is a medical condition, in spite of what it may feel like or what you may believe.  Perhaps a counselor can give you coping strategies, or perhaps you're a good candidate for medications--of which there are many, so if one doesn't work well for you, another very well might (and it's important to find the right dosage, too).  The point is, you don't have to fight this struggle on your own.  Get help.  There's no shame in it, and there is relief to be had.

--infopri, no longer depressed

[alleyoxenfree]

Know that lots of people have been in a similar trough, and rebounded, working their way back out.

This is an academically sound site you might explore:
http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/raising_happiness/post/the_science_of_happiness/

According to the researchers, happiness is just a skill that can be cultivated.  You're making a step out of the trough you tripped into and there's good advice here about how to take baby steps out of it.

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2011/12/29/MN181MFJ63.DTL

Another thing cutting down on alcohol will help is sleep.  Go to bed earlier, begin to sleep recreationally, give your adrenal system a rest from all the stress, and let your body catch up with your head, which is processing a lot of struggles and looking for new solutions.  Get yourself more options.

[pgher]

I was going through some (relatively minor) stuff a couple months ago. Like you, I didn't want to talk to my spouse. Instead, I started keeping a journal. It really helped me get things out, work through all my emotions. Might be a good way to get started until you can find some other help.

[studentperson]

Thank you all for your suggestions.  It is comforting to know it is not just me who feels like this. 

[fiona]

I think this time of year, as someone else said, is a melancholy trigger.

I live in a relatively sunny area (not Seattle, for instance--and imagine having MLA in that cesspool of midwinter rain and gray and gloom!)

But the Xmas holidays are always depressors and stressors. I don't know who really has family joy, and most people are shredded with "Where are we going to eat" and "Who are we going to not invite" and "Who hates whom this time."

Thanks to the OP for mentioning this, so we all know we're not trudging through alone.

The Fiona

[msparticularity]

For me, "You are not the only one," was the profound and life-changing message that I first heard in my first support group, two decades ago. I'm very happy to be able to continue to say it to others!

[infopri]

For me, "You are not the only one," was the profound and life-changing message that I first heard in my first support group, two decades ago. I'm very happy to be able to continue to say it to others!

Those can be magical words, and not just to people suffering from depression.  My mother was a hoarder (the kind you see on those TV shows, but minus the animal droppings and bags of rotting garbage), but I'd never heard the word "hoarder" in that context before and had no idea there were others like her.  What a relief it was to find out!  Of course, it came to late to be of practical value, but the emotional relief the knowledge provided was amazing.

For me, the turning point in dealing with my depression was came in two phases: first, understanding that I was, in fact, clinically depressed, and second (after much talk therapy) accepting a prescription for anti-depressants for a few years.  I'd been dead-set against the meds, but I don't think I would have escaped the depression without them.

[crumpet]

I have also been suffering from extreme depression. It worsened considerably in the past few months, but its been a recurring problem for a long time. I was resistant to taking medication for a long time, but decided to try it a few months ago when I hit a particularly alarming low point. It has really helped me. I wish I had started it sooner.

One thing to consider is who you will share your medical issue with. I have had several close friends who judged me for going on medication and did not really try to be there for me. This was hurtful. In retrospect, I probably should have thought more about who to discuss my condition with. Talk to people you know will understand, even if your starting place is on the fora. A therapist is great for getting you through the really rough patches. Social connections were key for me to hold on during the dark times.

Good luck and let us know how you get on. We're all pulling for you.

[alleyoxenfree]

Lack of light seems to be huge for me, and I always find the last couple weeks before the solstice particularly hard.  It got easier once I finally realized this and every year now, I just remind myself of that and try to get what available light there is in the day.

I already feel better, as I always do once the calendar turns that corner, and the "holidays" are over, for all the reasons Fiona gave.  Too many family minefields, bad memories, societal expectations....ridiculous.  Bring on MLK's birthday and spring!

[proftowanda]

Lack of light seems to be huge for me, and I always find the last couple weeks before the solstice particularly hard.  It got easier once I finally realized this and every year now, I just remind myself of that and try to get what available light there is in the day.

I already feel better, as I always do once the calendar turns that corner, and the "holidays" are over, for all the reasons Fiona gave.  Too many family minefields, bad memories, societal expectations....ridiculous.  Bring on MLK's birthday and spring!

Spring comes for you in mid-January?  Lucky you!  

Getting the available light is important, as I realized once I read about SAD and identified its effect on me.  So, although feeling depressed makes us want to hibernate under the covers even more, and the academic calendar can allow that at the worst time -- solstice -- I learned to make myself self-impose a routine of getting up every day when it gets light out.  At this time of year, dawn still is darned late in the morning.

And as for the holidays, yes and yes and yes.  We just endured another disastrously dysfunctional meltdown of epic proportions.  It helps to know to expect that my family will continue to defy societal expectations, and to finally not just recognize but fully realize that I cannot control that, or them, but I can control my reactions. Now I just employ a sort of Sociologist-Goes-to-Las-Vegas approach, a participant-observer noting the signs as holidays approach to see if I can guess which family member will trigger the meltdown this time.  

Next year, I swear, I'm heading to an island somewhere, an island with lots of sunshine and no one related to me.  How's that for controlling my reaction:  Catching rays, not reacting, not even having to guess and gamble on anything more complicated than the level of UV protection to apply?  If only there were a lovely lotion to apply at this time of year that would increase UV rays -- and protect us from expectations.