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[hegemony]

He is lying because he is ashamed.  That's just something to keep in mind.  I imagine you don't want a parent/child or boss/underling dynamic in your marriage.  Confronting him about this will further that dynamic.  He transgressed; so did you.  One does not make the other right, and there shouldn't be a scoreboard.  I think your penalty for transgressing is to keep mum about what you have seen.

The fact that you snooped, and that you already have feelings about his lack of focus, suggest that there's something bigger going on here.  If I understand rightly, you are distressed about his lack of direction and the feeling that you're pulling all the weight.  The challenge now is to make sure that your concerns are heard -- I imagine that he knows already -- and that you step back and see what he chooses to do over the long run.  Once you have made your position clear in a calm way -- say that you support his efforts but that after such-and-such a date you will simply be too frazzled to carry all the financial weight any longer, or whatever works for you -- your best choice is to step back and let him step up.  It's simply not possible to run someone else's life so that they conform to our wishes (or pull half their weight if they're not motivated).  There are many instances in which others' lives are in far worse shape that poor grades, and partners have found to their sorrow that they simply have to let things unfold.  Indeed, overfunctioning for someone allows them to underfunction for themselves.

So your challenge is to let him be who he is, and to make your decisions about your own life accordingly.  That's the way I see it.

[patchouli]

While I understand your concerns, I think both the snooping and the lying are indicative of serious relationship issues.  You should not have looked into his grades and violated not only his trust but your employer's, as was mentioned upthread.  When I was in college years ago, my parents never asked me about my grades even though they were paying for my schooling; they trusted me to do well or make another choice about my career.  

I would erase the grade you saw from your memory and never mention it to anyone again. You already know there is a problem if you two aren't up front with each other and maybe the larger issues you have been concerned about for a long time need to be addressed either privately or in counseling: the fair share issue, honest communication about feelings, and shared goals.  

[macaroon]

He is lying because he is ashamed.  That's just something to keep in mind. 

Yeah, consider that.  And you can bring it up in the context of the C. 

Do you ever have The Talk with undergrads that are flunking their classes?  You can certainly do that with your husband - you know, the one that goes, "Sometimes, when we get bad grades, it's because we can't focus.  Sometimes, when we can't focus, it's because we're not really doing something we want to be doing.  Do you really want to do this?"

[marginalia]

So, my husband is an undergraduate student at my institution. (After I finished my PhD, he went back to get his bachelor's degree-- he's actually 2 years older than me, so I'm not dating a student- just sleeping with one *wink, wink*)

So, I know that I probably shouldn't but I just peeked at his grades in our online system, and I found out that he is lying to me about getting a failing grade in one of his classes- he told me that he got a C. He is a full-time student, and doesn't work. He spends a lot of his time with his hobbies.

Should I confront him about this? Should I let it go?

P.S. This whole going back to school thing has been super hard on our marriage-- we are dirt poor, I hate being the sole supporter, and he has been (in general) lacking focus on school.

I am in a somewhat similar situation. My husband went back to school to finish his B.A., at my institution. I was skeptical about this, because we are living on my salary and I did not believe he would succeed, having failed before. I told him he had to show me that he was serious about the degree, within my parameters, which he did. We then agreed on a timeframe for finishing the degree, and decided that I will only financially support his degree within this timeframe. Though the degree is still very hard on our marriage, he pleasantly surprised me by being very focused and getting straight As throughout. He also has always done his fair share of household chores, supported my career, and is an excellent father for our disabled son, so I feel that he deserved a second chance at his degree, even though the personal and financial cost is significant.

You shouldn't have snooped on your husband. But you are also paying for his education/supporting him financially, and he needs to be accountable to you, within the parameters set by you. You are resentful that he does not seem to acknowledge that you have given him this chance. Resentment led you to snooping.

While couples' therapy might help, you need to have an honest conversation with him - not about the failing grade, but about time and costs, and to establish consequences if he keeps slacking in his work (and follow through).

This approach may not work for you, or for the other forumites. I am an immigrant and have a different view of these things, and I have also financed my own undergraduate degree, as my parents could not support me. But if they would have been able to support me, you bet I would be reporting my grades honestly, and doing my damn best to minimize their expenses.

[anon99]

Is he in school full time and did he work while you did your PhD?  Don't bring up his grades, do sit down and talk about finances.

[infopri]

The primary issue I see here isn't really the failing grade or your apparent resentment, although they are certainly important secondary issues.  The primary issue, as I see it, is the lack of trust going on between you and your husband.  He doesn't trust you enough to tell you he's failing.  You don't trust him to tell you the truth and therefore you abused your access to student grades.  As it turns out, he was lying to you.  We don't know whether his reluctance to tell you the truth was well-founded, but it sounds as though it might have been.  It sounds like you would have reacted badly to the news of the failing grade (whether you would have been justified or not--the point is that he wanted to avoid the bad reaction).

I don't know enough about your marriage to know whether you should admit your misdeed and confront him with his, or whether you need a third party (marriage counselor) to help you sort through your mutual issues.  But I think it's a mistake for (a) you to let your resentment fester, and (b) him to continue to feel that he can't tell you the truth.  But I'm not at all sure you should admit that you peeked (illegally as well as inappropriately) at his grades.  If he already has trust issues, you'll just further prove that you're not trustworthy (just as you proved to yourself that he isn't).

If you both care about the marriage, you probably have an excellent chance of making it through this rough spot and coming out in a better place.  If not, or if the problems run deeper, it's probably better to find out now.  Good luck to you. 

[busyslinky]

Okay, let's just get to the point that all these threads get to. 

Lawyer up, hide your finances, and maybe try counseling.  Probably in that order.

[polly_mer]

Mr. Mer went back for his BA after I finished my Ph.D. so I understand the concerns.  On the other hand, I have to agree with the others who mentioned that a lack of trust and shared commitment to a joint endeavor all around is a far bigger problem than the grades or the snooping.

I remember being on both ends of conversations that went "I am paying all the bills here and we're not making it.  What can we do about that?"  In our case, because of the trust and togetherness, things were worked out satisfactorily all around, sometimes by cutting expenses and sometimes by shifting job responsibility.  However, I can't imagine starting from "You are lazy and I'm doing all the work" instead of "This situation isn't working.  We need to have an all-cards-on-the-table talk about individual and joint goals".

[txgalprof]

As always, the fora bring good advice.

Y'all are right, it was wrong for me to look at his grades, I am going to try to forget about this issue, and focus more on our marriage in general.

Update: We did have a heart to heart, and he has already decided to make some changes in how he is going to change his habits. We didn't discuss the grade discrepancy, just focused on what will change next semester.

I hope that he is able to get it together for next semester, he only has a year and a half to go in this degree....

[infopri]

I'm glad to hear that you had the heart-to-heart, txgalprof.  I hope 2012 brings better tidings on all fronts.  Good luck, and happy new year!

[txgalprof]

I'm glad to hear that you had the heart-to-heart, txgalprof.  I hope 2012 brings better tidings on all fronts.  Good luck, and happy new year!

Thanks, and the best for you as well!