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[txgalprof]

So, my husband is an undergraduate student at my institution. (After I finished my PhD, he went back to get his bachelor's degree-- he's actually 2 years older than me, so I'm not dating a student- just sleeping with one *wink, wink*)

So, I know that I probably shouldn't but I just peeked at his grades in our online system, and I found out that he is lying to me about getting a failing grade in one of his classes- he told me that he got a C. He is a full-time student, and doesn't work. He spends a lot of his time with his hobbies.

Should I confront him about this? Should I let it go?

P.S. This whole going back to school thing has been super hard on our marriage-- we are dirt poor, I hate being the sole supporter, and he has been (in general) lacking focus on school.

[brixton]

Good grief.  I'm always dealing with issue between parents/child.  But prof/husband?  Quick reminder:  He's an adult.  If you don't think you can afford school, that should be an issue apart from his grade.  FERPA protects his privacy, which you currently violated.  I'd erase the grade from your memory and then sign up for marriage counseling.  Sorry.

[antiphon1]

Let it go.  The repercussions for low grades fall on his shoulders not yours.  Let him take care of his own academic business.  If you want to talk about the grades (and I wouldn't), keep the conversation to information only.  He's an adult and so are you.  If you really want him to get a job, say that.  Don't use his grades an excuse to talk about employment.

[alto_stratus]

Most people don't have to check in with their significant others on their grades.  I can see why he wouldn't feel comfortable sharing this information, and I can't imagine why you would even care.  What is the real issue here?  That he's spending too much time on his hobbies?  That he's not the kind of student that you were?  Does he have a history of wasting opportunities and you're afraid it will happen again?  It seems like these are things you could have spoken with him about, instead of violating your employer's trust and your husband's privacy.  You say he seems to lack focus, so maybe you can reassure him that he doesn't have to prove anything, and if he doesn't like school, maybe he should look into employment opportunities that don't require a bachelor's degree.

[marigolds]

s***, no.

You had no business checking up on him in the first place. His grades are none of your concern. And the fact that he felt he needed to hide the grade indicates that he wants you to stay out of it, rather than poke your fingers around in his schoolwork.

Leave the man alone. And stop cyber-snooping, too.

[zharkov]

I'd bust him for getting a C and being a full time student.

[tinyzombie]

s***, no.

You had no business checking up on him in the first place. His grades are none of your concern. And the fact that he felt he needed to hide the grade indicates that he wants you to stay out of it, rather than poke your fingers around in his schoolwork.

Leave the man alone. And stop cyber-snooping, too.

+1. If my partner (or a friend/relative/coworker) snooped in my records, we'd have SERIOUS issues to work out.

[zharkov]

s***, no.

You had no business checking up on him in the first place. His grades are none of your concern. And the fact that he felt he needed to hide the grade indicates that he wants you to stay out of it, rather than poke your fingers around in his schoolwork.

Leave the man alone. And stop cyber-snooping, too.

+1. If my partner (or a friend/relative/coworker) snooped in my records, we'd have SERIOUS issues to work out.

What good is it to have the ability to snoop, and not do so?

[txgalprof]

I don't necessarily disagree, but is my snooping worse than his lying?

[oldfullprof]

In TX, I think you can have the grade sent to you if you say that you're his parent, and that you're paying for his schooling.

May have changed.

[antiphon1]

I don't necessarily disagree, but is my snooping worse than his lying?

Not necessarily.  Then again, why go there?  Failing a class isn't a crime.  Feeling compelled to snoop around in his business without his permission could mean something else, though.  

On preview, ofp may have the solution.  Then again, you'd be lying.  Your husband has to sign a FERPA waiver to allow you to see his grades. 

[menotti]

I don't necessarily disagree, but is my snooping worse than his lying?

Let's say both are symptoms of an underlying problem.

If you have a big conversation about this exact issue, it will turn into "You snooped!"  "Well, you lied!" which isn't going to do any good.

Focus on the underlying problem.

Unlike some others, I do think his grades - at least to the extent of pass/fail - are somewhat your business, as they affect the length of time he'll be in school and the amount you'll pay.  But the big issue is you feel you're sacrificing and he's goofing off.  He probably has a different view.  You might need a third party to sort things out, here.

[spork]

When I was getting Ds and Fs on quizzes, I had no problem telling my wife. She already knew about it though, since she was teaching the course.

I hope your institution waives tuition for spouses of faculty. We don't want to see him in front of the stock exchange in five years with a big sign that says "Unemployed And $150,000 In Debt."

[msparticularity]

Unlike some others, I do think his grades - at least to the extent of pass/fail - are somewhat your business, as they affect the length of time he'll be in school and the amount you'll pay.  But the big issue is you feel you're sacrificing and he's goofing off.  He probably has a different view.  You might need a third party to sort things out, here.

This. The degree to which he is focused upon--and succeeding at--an undergraduate degree is very much your business as it pertains to your life together. If he's enjoying a second adolescence and a chance to pursue all of his hobbies at your expense, then you certainly have the right to object and/or to refuse to support this economically.

I do think, though, that you can do it without bringing up the fact that you know his actual grade: just do what Zharkov suggests and argue that he has no business getting Cs if he's serious about this degree, and that from what you are seeing, he's not putting much effort into this.

[prytania3]

I can see why the OP is annoyed. She's supporting the family, and he's goofing off.

His grades are and aren't her business. Technically, they aren't her business. Practically, they are.

However, to circumvent the whole snooping thing, tell your spouse (who is basically being a bum and playing the game my son used to play on me) that he needs to get a job--that you just can't handle the financial burden any longer. He will be mad that you are ruining his opportunity for an education, but you know that's not true, and he'll know that, too.