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[prof2be]

I'm heading to my family for the holidays and bracing myself already for the attention of a particular cousin who I used to be close with. It bothers me that I'm already thinking about this situation, but she ruined my last night with my immediate family the last time I was visiting, so I want to be in more control this time.

We grew up very close, exchanging letters, having lots of sleepovers, being typical little girls, then teenagers. Once we got into university, I became busy with student clubs, part time jobs, internships and travel, generally very engaged by all the opportunities available to me. I've continued in academia, gotten married and divorced, earned a PhD, and am currently a VAP and job hunting. She is a supply teacher and not very ambitious in terms of getting a permanent job. We're in our early 30s, and that's how I feel, yet when I go to visit my family, this cousin wants to have sleepover parties, bake cupcakes, reminisce about My Little Pony, paint our nails, wear matching clothes, and photograph EVERYTHING we do together. Before I even get there, she starts e-mailing to pin down exactly when I will arrive, and she tends to hijack time with my immediate family (refusing to leave and shadowing me for eight hours on my last day, on my last visit). My mother is now lying on my behalf, saying that I arrive in town later than I actually do, and strategising with a friend of mine to make sure I have a get-away plan to avoid my cousin with. Our extended family thinks it's great that we've had such a long, close relationship, so I am conscious that eyes are on us at family gatherings. I don't want to be perceived as cruel or snobbish.

I am flattered that my cousin wants to spend time with me and values my visits so highly, but she never picks up the phone to call, never visits (I'm far away now, but haven't always been), offered no support during my divorce, and makes no effort to engage with the person I am now. She has been on and off medication for depression for the last decade or so, but I don't know the full extent of those issues.

At the moment I'm thinking of just making it clear when I do make plans with her that my time is finite, even if it is not. She tends to drop by my mother's house and just not leave, assumes she will be welcome for dinner, every night. So, to avoid this I would lie and say I was going out to meet a friend/have an appointment etc. In the past her response has always been "Can I come too?" I feel I'm being unkind to say "no," I try to qualify it by saying I owe this other person one on one time, or something to that effect. If I indicate I'm going to exercise (she never wants to join, so I exercise a lot!) she starts calling and texting as soon as she thinks I might be done, and I often ignore those calls/texts. It's all starting to upset me a bit. I'd like to engage with her as an adult, but she's just not interested. I don't want to be hurtful or unkind, but I'm burned out from work and don't have the energy to go back in time and be ten years old again. Is there anything else I can do to manage this relationship? 

[macaroon]

I am flattered that my cousin wants to spend time with me and values my visits so highly, but she never picks up the phone to call, never visits (I'm far away now, but haven't always been), offered no support during my divorce, and makes no effort to engage with the person I am now.

<<snip>>

It's all starting to upset me a bit. I'd like to engage with her as an adult, but she's just not interested.

It sounds like this is the crux of the problem, yes?  She doesn't accept you for the person you are today.  But maybe you can move on from thinking she's not an adult?  She is an adult, but your last common ground was as children.  Maybe she hasn't matured as much as you have, but perhaps she has, but doesn't want to risk showing you her more "adult" side.  Perhaps you could try to engage her about her depression issues?  Maybe if you made some nods to the fact that you'd be willing to accept the person she's become, she'll interact with the person you've become? 

Good luck.

[lasquires]

Wow. This sounds like a bit of a nightmare. I see two options:

1) Amp up your current boundary setting strategies a bit while engaging her on your own terms.

2) Confront her about her behavior.

The appropriate strategy will depend entirely on the context of your relationship with her and what you need vs. what she can handle. My immediate impression of your post, however, is that you most likely need to treat her like an adult by explaining how her behavior bothers you and describing in detail the terms on which you are willing to continue being friendly with her. Avoidance is an ok strategy if you feel like the status quo is livable (probably not, since you're posting here) and you are concerned about upsetting other members of the family (at least some of whom seem to be aware of the problem), but ultimately, clearing the air is probably going to be the most productive way forward for both of you.

[itried]

Whew. I'm exhausted just thinking about your cousin.

As others here have suggested, the only way to deal with her is to set clear boundaries and not allow her to violate them -- at all. She is like a dog. You must say no, or she will be sleeping on your face.

You may have to hurt her feelings, but there's no law that says her feelings are more important than yours. It might be an unwritten law in your family, but laws are made to be broken -- especially dysfunctional-family laws.

[lasquires]

There's no law that says her feelings are more important than yours.

I am going to write this on a notecard and carry it around with me throughout the holidays. I may even have to tattoo it to my forearm.

[bibliothecula]

Whew. I'm exhausted just thinking about your cousin.
She is like a dog. You must say no, or she will be sleeping on your face.

This is what I will carry around.

It's very true. Try to engage the adult side of her, if there is one. When she brings up My Little Ponies, respond with, "So, what have you read lately?"

"Let's sleep over!" "Ah, well, I have some reading for work to get done in the evenings."

"Cupcakes!" "You know, I just have so many people I promised to see."

Good luck!

[mystictechgal]

In the interest of treating her like the adult she's suppossed to be, how about subtle reminders of her (and your) adult status?

Little Ponies? "Yes. I just bought a Little Pony for the daughter of a coworker (doesn't have to be true). She's so cute, and she's just as horse obsessed as we were when we were. I hope she has as much fun playing with them as we did when we were <insert appropriate age>.

Doing each other's nails? Pre-emptive. "You know, my nails need a touch-up. What with grading and all I haven't had time to get to a salon. How about we both go together on <day> before I have to meet up with some colleagues I promised to get together with <doesn't have to be true>. I'll pay for your manicure as part of my Christmas present to you and we'll get a chance to talk. I'd love to hear how you're doing professionally. Y'know, I have to deal with your students after you're done with them, or others like them. I'd like to hear about your challenges and successes. What I need to look out for and ways I might be better able to help them." In an adult setting like a salon she's likely to respond as an adult--presumably she manages it through her regular day.

Sleep-overs? Um, I've got nothing. You're already visiting, so you're already sleeping over. Sure, she can stay with you, but you have grading/prep work/research/writing to do. Your days of nights spent with her imagining and dreaming were practice for your on-the-job creative moments, and that's how you spend them, now. She can come, but she'll probably be bored watching you work. If she's got prep work to do, too, she could bring it along and it could be a little like a college study session, cheering each other on. (Well, that's at least better than revisiting your 10-yr old selves. Maybe.)

It sounds like she's stuck in the past, possibly because her present isn't all that great. You have to set boundaries, but maybe you can model new adulthood in a way that doesn't cut her off completely, and, with luck, invites her to join you in it. She IS engaging in the world as an adult when you are not around. It may be uncomfortable for her, but engage her on that level. If she's dealing with K-12 she may just need to know that you understand that her life isn't easy and that the world she's in is a little crazy, but that what she does, even as a sub, matters in the long run.

[collegekidsmom]

I think life is too short to spend it with people like this. Your real friendship was in the past. If I were in your shoes, I could not stand any of this. I would tell her before the visit even begins that I need to spend time with my immediate family because I don't see them much anymore. I would say that I just don't have time to get together the way we used to. I would also tell her that I have changed over time, and no longer share the same interests. I would ask if she'd like to have coffee out somewhere on a particular day, catch up, and leave. After a while, she might just forget about you. That would be good.
I don't think it's cruel to fade away from relationships that are really over. This one has turned into a PITA, and stress is not what friendship or being with a cousin should feel like. Fading away from someone can be easier to do than you might think.

[grasshopper]

It sounds like she's stuck in the past, possibly because her present isn't all that great.

That's what I pulled out of it, too.

[prof2be]

For the first time in years, the visit went SO much better than I could have expected. I saw her just three times, compared to the previous every day of my visit. The first time was Christmas eve, after I ended up in the emergency due to a health issue, and while I was ultimately fine, that seemed to help make me off limits to her for a while. Otherwise I kept conversation to teaching, job hunting, research, so I think it was clear I wasn't up for walking down memory lane. We did talk about students, but she is going to be transitioning out of teaching now so we won't have that in common in future. But of course her new career will be something I'd try to focus on more than cupcakes and sleepovers. There were two aren't-we-cute-cousins photo sessions, one when I was pretty high on drugs and made it clear I wouldn't last, and another quick and casual. Had it been more I would have made a fuss.

She mentioned her dose of anti depressants had been reduced so I'm wondering if that was part of the difference. And maybe she's grown up a bit more. In any case, I hope this sets a new precedent. Thanks to everyone for the strategies and helping me to feel it was ok to not be comfortable with the situation.