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[proftowanda]

sugaree and alleyoxenfree: Thank you for the feedback. I do appreciate it. No, I don't think I'm important enough for him to bother wrecking my future plans. I just know that often, faculty end up placing students in positions that are extremely unfair and unnecessarily difficult. And I know that things don't have to be this way, because for every problem professor, there are others who strive to make academia a better place. . . .

I just think (perhaps idealistically) that people can do a lot to make life simpler in every respect...and this certainly applies to a field as ensnared in politicking and drama as academia. Simply accepting the status quo and learning to navigate it doesn't do much to improve things.

No, we do not "often" treat students unfairly, make life unnecessarily difficult for them, etc., etc.  Nor is academia so "ensnared in politicking and drama" as you claim, compared to many workplaces.

You base these sweeping generalizations on the anecdotal evidence of your experience in one year of graduate study at one campus?

I don't know your field of study, but in some fields, that could be fatal in research . . . and in life.  I understand that you think that things are in crisis for you now, but wait 'til you see what is ahead -- in the acceptance process, in a doctoral program, on the tenure track, and anon.  Do yourself a favor:  Take a deep breath, calm down, and stay cool.  Above all, avoid the victimhood syndrome, which can be fatal to your career as well.

[glowdart]

The third verbally expressed willingness to write for me contingent on my final course grade, which turned out to be an A. The reason I chose these three was because I had taken two courses with each of them.

Through summer and fall, I kept in touch with each of my referees, and at this point I have two letters in the bag. The third referee, who happens to be extremely prominent in the field and department chair at my graduate program, didn't respond to my initial LoR email (sent in October). Neither did they respond to repeated follow-up reminders sent at polite intervals through November.

Now, barely a week before the deadline for several of my main applications (including to my graduate school's department), they emailed claiming to be too busy to take on another letter, and expressed the usual niceties about wishing me the best and being sure I'll find another referee.

I'm not seeing where he clearly agreed to anything so as to then be capable of "withdrawing" from writing a letter.  Perhaps it is just how you have related the story, but a conversation which results in "depending on your final course grade" is not "Yes, I will, and please send me the forms and deadlines." 

So, for your future, OP, be sure to be crystal clear with your writers, co-authors, etc.  Put things in writing, especially if you know people to be flakes.  Always, always, always have four letter writers from which you can draw if need be.  Always.  If your discipline usually requires four letters, then have a pool of five.  You never know who's going to get sick, be at a conference, go on sabbatical, move, leave, etc. 

And then read the signs:  if someone doesn't reply to two emails on a topic, then go to his/her office and talk in person.  Some people are email people.  Some people are not.  Some people are just flakes.  You can't take any of it personally, but you must start to strategize to work around situations.  A little pre-emptive contingency planning goes a long way towards keeping you calm and covering your ass (CYA). 

[death24xasecond]

proftowanda: I understand your remarks. However, no, I didn't form those somewhat critical opinions based solely off my own experiences through my program. That comes mostly from reading forums (Chronicle, and similar) for several years. I hope I am wrong in those impressions; indeed I -want- to be mistaken in them.

In any event, although I realize that this whole experience has been relatively common in this world, I felt that guidance and suggestions from you all (most of whom are faculty yourselves), would be highly relevant. Of course I wish that it did not play out the way it has, but tempus fugit.

Thanks, once again, to all who've taken the time to comment.

[wet_blanket]

I had a very similar thing happen when I was applying to PhD programs.  My MA thesis advisor agreed to write for me in September.  In late October, I gave her the final list of schools, deadlines, what had to go where (envelopes  he sent, envelopes to give to me, emails to write, automated systems to login).  Mid-November, ahead of the first round of deadlines (Dec 1), I checked in to ask if there was anything else she needed from me.  At none of these stages did I get the slightest indication that  she was disinclined to write for me, that she had forgotten this was coming up, or that she was unusually busy. On Nov 30 I logged into the online systems for schools with Dec 1 due dates and her letter wasn't there.  I sent a polite reminder and received in response an angry email about 1) how rude unprofessional for demanding a letter from her instead of requesting one, and 2) how disorganized I was to do so 24 hours before the deadline.

Same professor also completely lost a form I had her sign for funding, while assuring me she had passed the form on to the next step in the chain.  Another professor, in the program where I am now undertaking my PhD, sought me out to ask me to TA for him, and when I later asked about contracts and paperwork and the like, informed me that the way to get a TAship was not in fact to email a professor at random asking demanding he sign a contract.  And I have dozens of similar stories.

My instincts are to take people at their word when they say they'll do something, and certainly not to go about reminding people of things lest I appear demanding.  But I've learned that the absentminded professor stereotype exists for a reason, and so I suck it up.

My point (sorry for the rambliness of this post) is that this is a lesson most people have to learn the hard way.  The OP has now learned this lesson.  I don't think he or she is guilty of anything more egregious than naievte.

I think the idea that the professor is now going to write a bad letter to punish the OP is ridiculous.

I doubt the prof is going to deliberately write a bad letter, but it's still likely to reflect that it is a letter s/he wasn't particularly enthusiastic about writing.

[ticklemepink]

I asked my MA thesis adviser once, "Should I use my undergraduate thesis adviser because she's known me much longer and worked with me closely, or should I use Prof X because everybody knows who he is but he hasn't seen much of my work since my first semester?"  Her answer? "Use the one who knows you the best."

Sounds like your UG adviser fits the bill.  S/he is likely to have the letter already lined up.  Forget about this superstar guy and use the person who's more excited about you going on for your PhD.

None of the PhD programs complained about my LORs.

The hard lesson to learn about academia and life in general:  MOVE ON when things don't work out.

[treehugger1]

OP, other people do not spend as much time thinking about you as you think they do, or should.

This.

My SO gave told me something similar early on in grad school and, believe me, it really helps to think this way. So, whenever you wonder "What is my adviser/professor/supervisor thinking about me/my recommendation letter/my paper/that terrific remark I made in class?" The answer is: "They aren't thinking about you."

[onthefringe]

proftowanda: I understand your remarks. However, no, I didn't form those somewhat critical opinions based solely off my own experiences through my program. That comes mostly from reading forums (Chronicle, and similar) for several years. I hope I am wrong in those impressions; indeed I -want- to be mistaken in them.

Remember, though, that what shows up here and on similar forae is biased, as people frequently use these as places to vent. I'm much more likely to post about one illiterate, annoying, grade-grubbing student than about his 52 perfectly nice and competent classmates. Similarly, nobody is going to post that "I applied to graduate school, and all my letter-writers were prompt in their submissions". Instead, you hear about the statistically small proportion of cases where getting your third letter is like pulling teeth, or your letter-writer torpedoes your application.

So yes, I think you are mistaken.

[anon99]

My instincts are to take people at their word when they say they'll do something, and certainly not to go about reminding people of things lest I appear demanding.  But I've learned that the absentminded professor stereotype exists for a reason, and so I suck it up.

+1  following up 2 weeks before the deadline and having a back up person if you haven't heard from person 3 all along is also a good idea.  Faculty are busy and we forget things, more so at certain times of the semester.  If you don't get a response from a person after two emails, then just move on to the next person and don't take it personally.

[hungry_ghost]

I doubt the prof is going to deliberately write a bad letter, but it's still likely to reflect that it is a letter s/he wasn't particularly enthusiastic about writing.

I have an undergraduate backup (albeit an unknown and not in my field) who I know will write an exceptionally strong letter because he has followed my career closely, so I am presently in touch with them.

So basically you've got a choice:
Choice (a): an extremely prominent scholar in the field and your current chair, who hedged the first time you asked for a letter, saying vaguely that it would be "contingent on your grade," and who subsequently ignored your messages for several months straight, someone whom, over these many months, you weren't comfortable enough to call about this issue nor able to see in person, not even one time, who now claims not to remember agreeing to write the letter, but who will do so to keep his word, because you say he said agreed to write for you. At no time has he indicated that he wants to write a letter for you, and in fact, everything about this situation says that he does not want to write this letter. Why? Who knows. Maybe he doesn't think much of you. Maybe he is too busy and doesn't write any letters for grad school applications except his own advisees. Maybe he cares deeply for you and does not want you to endure the emotional meat-grinder known as the job market. It doesn't matter.  Just know that letters written reluctantly are typically not the strongest letters.

Choice (b): someone who knows you well and has known you through your undergrad years, and who can give a "bigger picture" view of you over the years than can either of your letter-writters in grad school, who has written strong letters for you before, and who will write a strong and enthusiastic letter for you this time as well.  Although this person is not a "name" in your field, s/he knows you well and believes in you.

Seems like a no-brainer to me.

Should I be worried that this graduate referee has an agenda against me? Is it sheer lousy time management?

No. But you should not use his letter either.

[sciencegrad]

proftowanda: I understand your remarks. However, no, I didn't form those somewhat critical opinions based solely off my own experiences through my program. That comes mostly from reading forums (Chronicle, and similar) for several years. I hope I am wrong in those impressions; indeed I -want- to be mistaken in them.

The things you read on different fora fit the very definition of anecdotal evidence.

[proftowanda]

proftowanda: I understand your remarks. However, no, I didn't form those somewhat critical opinions based solely off my own experiences through my program. That comes mostly from reading forums (Chronicle, and similar) for several years. I hope I am wrong in those impressions; indeed I -want- to be mistaken in them.

The things you read on different fora fit the very definition of anecdotal evidence.

Exactly.  Anecdotal and, as onthefringe notes, quite skewed.  Also, of course, unverifiable.

OP, do consider these concerns in reviewing all of your materials in applying for any field of research.

[chromatic]

I'm wondering if the original poster was slighted. Not like they can do anything about it now of course, it would be more profitable to simply find a new third reference. However, the original poster can either be the better person and forget about this, or the original poster can remember this should the illustrious third reference letter needs a favor of some kind.

[death24xasecond]

chromatic: Not in the least! I completely understand and accept that I'm fairly low on a prominent department chair's list of priorities. I was just very concerned back when I posted because I had been counting heavily on that letter, and the whole situation was just very unnecessarily hairy. I'm not slighted at all, and definitely don't hold it over them.

[scout46]

I understand your pain. I also had an annoying thing happen where my MA thesis adviser agreed to write letters for all of my applications..EXCEPT for my application to my current school's PhD program - of course, my first choice. She is kind of an odd duck, so I just chalked this up to her thinking it was inappropriate to write a letter because I mention her in my PS as faculty with whom I want to work. I didn't ask her to explain her reasoning, because I really didn't care. My take away was that I needed another letter.
So I hurriedly emailed my undergraduate thesis adviser and got a third letter for that one program.
Then, yesterday - 1 day before my first application was due - my adviser emailed to announce that she wanted to make an "exception" and write me a letter for my current school's program. I said sure, added her name as a 4th to that application, and let her upload it.

The lesson:  people are bizarre. Don't bother speculating on why they do what they do. it doesn't really matter. Just deal with yourself and get done what you need done and it will all be ok :)