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[quietly]

This may or may not be true for me, but is certainly possible given the economy and a number of other factors.  I'm okay with this.

Any suggestions for those of us who may well end up supporting our parents within the next decade or so? Financially, how to prepare while also supporting kids?

And (this may be a separate topic) how to handle that transition emotionally/relationally, especially when this wasn't your parents' plan?

Q.

[yumyumdonuts]

Quietly, I am currently (financially) supporting my mother who lives with me, my husband, and our toddler. (My father passed away unexpectedly three years ago and my mom lived with my sister for three months before moving in with me permanently.) While I have been raised in a culture where parents living with their adult children is accepted, my husband did not. So that has been a huge emotional struggle at times and currently is a strain on my relationship with my husband and on my relationship with my mom.

Financially, it's been difficult because of health insurance and because my husband is a grad student. It's close to $400 a month to pay for her individual coverage (not counting all of the additional costs of doctor's and dentist trips for an individual who has never had regular health or dental coverage all her life), but I wouldn't not pay it since that's part of the reason my father died (we didn't take him to a doctor fast enough for fear of the hospital bill). Otherwise, it's been great having her with us because she's relatively young (in her early 50s) and helps to look after our toddler. In fact my mom looked after our toddler from 6 months to about 15 months at which point we stuck our toddler in day care.

As far as the emotional transition on my mom's part, she appreciates not having to work (she's had a hard immigrant life working 12-hour shifts at sweatshops) and enjoys being around her grandchild. I think she sometimes does long for a greater purpose to her days; other than cooking dinners for us (which we certainly love!) she watches a lot of netflix and Korean dramas. The thing that she absolutely hates is the feeling that she's our maid, but that's more cultural (and because she worked as one before our family immigrated to the US) and she refuses to do more household chores than cooking our dinner.

[gekko]

Quietly, if it's within "the next decade or so" then the best way to handle it is to minimize the likelyhood or extent by having a conversation earlier rather than later. Something along the lines of "This is what I'll be able to comfortably do or not do, how do you plan to fill in the gaps to lead the lifestyle you want?"

Determine the feasability now of ways to generate income such as reverse mortgage on or sale of property, converting cash/cds to annuities, bonds or other income generating assets, or general reduction of expenses. Often someone takes the "this is what I've always had" attitude, believing someone else will continue to perpetuate whatever this lifestyle is, but pointing out the unfeasable nature of this early and working toward a solution is your only shot. A nurturing parent can become an entitled child VERY quickly, with unlimited expectations funded by your limited resources.

From a practical standpoint, if you have a parent in poor health who has yet to turn 65, make sure they sign up for a medicare supplement plan (not advantage or part c) within three months of turning 65 when they must be guarenteed issueed at the preferred rate for the carrier. Make sure a budget exists for this expenditure which should be a priority among all other things. You don't want to be holding the bag for 20% of costs associated with original a and b medicare and depending on your area of the country there may be only a few c plans, none of which are that stellar. Get locked in at a good rate at 65 if not there yet and plan to keep it. This assumes that you do not qualify for your state's version of Medicaide.

The other thing to do is to ensure that (especially if parent is currently working) any available group long term care policy that is portable is selected. Usually the rates for doing this are much lower than buying on the individual market. This is another big financial exposure you could encounter. You can often avoid underwriting and even have a better rate once converted to individual later.

Now is a great time to recommend striving if at all possible to make any 401k contributions including catch up amounts until the point of retirement. If the parent only did full catch up with no employer contribution at all for ten years and got 0% growth, there would be over 200k, easily convertable into a stream to supplement social security indefinitely. This assumes nothing has yet been saved at all. 

The bottom line is that if you have a decade to talk about this, it shouldn't happen. You need to have this discussion now and set the expectation that if x is desired, y is the path.

I have zero tolerance for the accepted inevitability of these situations and neither should you. It's just like receiving welfare or alimony not for set period of time while getting back on one's feet, but indefinitely. Sorry to the ex mrs. joe blow, but you need ten years of alminony why? You could finish med school in that period of time. Enough is enough. Some piker with eight kids and no job on the dole? Ok, but for how long? Forever? Sorry, that type of thing gets prolonged because we let it, not because it's inevitable. Same with your parent. Just state what you're able/willing to do in black and white and let it be known that it isn't infinite. Someone who has a decade to find a way to get their act together will only not do it if you let them.

Or, you can do the exact opposite and see yourself in a similar situation later on despite responsible behavior.

[pedanterast]

I have zero tolerance for men who let women support them.

[gekko]

pedant, it has always surprised me how many academic women are magnets for losers. That would certainly make an interesting and in some ways comical thread of its own, but I have to imagine it has something to do with the overall culture within academic circles where the lack of ability to support oneself is seen as almost a virtue rather than a character flaw. Almost every academic woman I'm aware of has had a serial string of "artiste" types transitioning from mommy and daddy's credit card to hers. This attitude tends to extend to family members as well.

[klaradeb]

I have zero tolerance for men who let women support them.

I have little tolerance for healthy adults who let other people support them. I fail to see what gender has to do with that.

[monsterx]

I have zero tolerance for men who let women support them.

I have little tolerance for healthy adults who let other people support them. I fail to see what gender has to do with that.

Gender has everything to do with it.  Men who stay home with the kids are perceived as loser bums, but women who do that are either victims or heros, sacrificing their careers and dreams to fulfill their husbands need for someone to watch the kids and have dinner ready.  Damned if you do, damned if you don't. 

[marigolds]

Are you people reading the same OP I am? 

[tinyzombie]

I have zero tolerance for men who let women support them.

I have zero tolerance for sexist asshattery.

Sorry for the continued derail, OP.

[cranefly]

I wonder if this will become so prevalent that parents will qualify as "dependents" under the law? It is the baby boomers we're talking about, and they do have a way of ensuring that they're taken care of. If they could qualify as dependents, they could be on your university health plan, tax deductions, etc.

I'm relieved that my parents seem to be okay (at least for now). I can't imagine having to live with them again. Mabye it's a good move to invest in properties that have "granny flats" in them?

[ideagirl]

This may or may not be true for me, but is certainly possible given the economy and a number of other factors.  I'm okay with this.

Any suggestions for those of us who may well end up supporting our parents within the next decade or so? Financially, how to prepare while also supporting kids?

And (this may be a separate topic) how to handle that transition emotionally/relationally, especially when this wasn't your parents' plan?

Look into long-term care insurance for them. Maybe your employer provides it (the benefit, if it exists at all, usually exists for not just the employee but also certain family members).

And, where are they going to live? If you're tenured (i.e. pretty sure you're sticking around in your town), is there a small house you could buy that would be suitable for them but in the meantime could be rented out to students or whoever? Becoming a landlord creates some extra work for you, but there's no solution to this problem that doesn't create extra work for you.

If you can get tenants who will pay for the mortgage/taxes/insurance, that could help a lot, especially if you got the house on a 15-year mortgage, since in that case, not too long after you're expecting your folks to need your help, you would own the house free and clear and thus have a free place for them to live. Also, the house would be your asset, not theirs, so it wouldn't affect their ability to qualify for Medicaid if that turns out to be needed (on a related note, if your parents were able to pay you some rent for the house, they would be spending down their assets--helpful/necessary when it comes to Medicaid). A similar alternative would be to buy a two-unit home, live in one side yourselves, rent out the other for now, and then plan on having your folks move in when they reach that stage.

If there comes a point where they both need to go into nursing homes, or one passes away and the other needs to go into a home, you could then sell the house and use the proceeds to pay for their care (even with long-term care insurance, you will need to come up with some money yourself to ensure good care--the point of the insurance is to drastically reduce what you need to come up with). Obviously this scenario depends on home prices not tanking at the time you need to sell, but there is no option here that GUARANTEES you will have enough money to care for them; just ask all the retirees who lost their retirement income when the stock market plunged. And your chances of having a good chunk of equity, and possibly a REALLY good chunk (i.e. current house value plus 4-5% annual appreciation), are better now than ever because the risk of loss in the housing market comes from three things: (1) buying too high, (2) selling when the market tanks or (3) using the house as an ATM. Assuming you're not going to use the house as an ATM--and you probably won't even be able to; it's much harder to get a home equity loan on an investment home than on your own home--and knowing that by buying now, when the market is bad, you're avoiding the "buying for too much" problem, you've eliminated two of the three risk factors.

[ideagirl]

I wonder if this will become so prevalent that parents will qualify as "dependents" under the law?

That's already possible, at least in IRS terms, IF they live with you. Which may make the duplex idea I mentioned in my last post more appealing than the separate-house idea. A granny flat would also work; the basic point is to have a space that you can rent out until they need to move in, so that the rental income will pay for the space, greatly reducing the financial burden on you I doubt this would let them join your health insurance but it is already the case that you can take tax deductions for them... if they live with you.

Here's IRS Publication 503, which is about the child and dependent care credit:
http://www.irs.gov%2Fpub%2Firs-pdf%2Fp503.pdf&ei=Q1niTpXZAsT00gGT98X9BQ&usg=AFQjCNGmASlDkF2ji9utUJ8-Dl2NqXLu-Q

[quietly]

Some good ideas here, thanks!

Q.

[pericles2]

That is a very tough situation, considering the state of affairs regarding pay in academia.