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[macaroon]

He says to due to his work demands, he just isn't able to give me the commitment. I don't think he was looking for an easy way out of the relationship because he continues to communicate with me almost daily, continues to tell me he plans on marrying me, talks of the future, and even continues to plan visits. He mentions that he can't wait for my graduate school days to be done with and then I can be back with him. He says that he still loves me, but is unable to give me the commitment. I have 3-semesters left, so it will come up pretty quick. I'm just concerned because he is expecting me to move back to him, but isn't willing to commit in the meantime.

So, you commit to him, but he doesn't commit to you?   That's so disrespectful I don't even know where to start.  The fact that this bothers you says that you are worth so much more.  This situation would be acceptable to only two types of people - narcissists and those that don't respect themselves - both of which are dangerous people to be in relationships with.  If he continues to treat his lovers with such little respect, eventually, he may realize that he can't keep a quality woman this way.  If you feel you owe him anything, let him know that You Will Not Stand For This Kind Of Treatment.  It may be a life lesson for him.

Finish it and find someone who is willing to make you his Plan A.  Have a wonderful time!


And, as klaradeb says, you really need to cut him off.  He doesn't get the benefit of your friendship anymore.  Let him go to voicemail.  Don't respond to his e-mails.  Let him lean on someone else.  You deserve better.



A bit of my own experience - my husband (of 14 years) and I spent 2 years apart when I started grad school and he finished his undergrad.  It was nothing like you're describing.  We realized, as do you, that it needed to be COMMITMENT or OVER, so we did commitment.  While living apart, we managed to plan the wedding, secure joint bank accounts, get life insurance policies, find a place to live that was good for the both of us, and work together to get him a job in my city.  (I didn't do much on the last one, but I did help move things forward!)  It felt right and good.  Although we missed one another, it was really okay.  

[lasquires]

I've been in a relationship sort of like this. We were both in college at the time, both pursuing demanding degrees and both experiencing a lot of difficulty in our family lives (his father got laid off from his job; my sister almost died from an eating disorder). He needed/wanted me to be physically and emotionally available to him in his most difficult moments and wanted to know that I was out there essentially waiting for him, but he was not willing to "commit to a relationship" and made it clear that my family problems were so big/scary to him that he didn't even want me to talk about them.

After a year and a half of trying to be what he wanted, I finally told him that I never wanted to hear from him again and severed all contact. He got very upset and started writing me letters when I moved on to another relationship.

Someone like this wants the perks of a relationship without any of the hard work, and they will manipulate and cajole you in order to keep you tethered to them. Believe me, I heard a lot of "I still love you and I think we're meant to be together, but..." Don't fall for it.

[fiona]

I think the OP sounds frightened to be "alone." But she's already alone, and trying to keep up a non-relationship like this is soul-killing.

The Fiona

[aldara]

As many others have said, realize, if you marry this person, that you will ALWAYS come second.  I have seen this happen too many times to count. 

Anyone who treats your graduate education like a silly vacation to be endured until you can come back and be a real wife is not worth your time.

[alto_stratus]

Someone like this wants the perks of a relationship without any of the hard work, and they will manipulate and cajole you in order to keep you tethered to them. Believe me, I heard a lot of "I still love you and I think we're meant to be together, but..." Don't fall for it.

Seconded.  With enthusiasm.

[kron3007]

I guess I am the black sheep on this one. 

He dosnt want to be in a committed relationship unless you are physically there, I totally understand this.  Long distant relationships suck, they have all of the drawbacks and none of the perks.  Instead of sleeping around behind your back at least he had the spine to tell you upfront that he isnt willing to commit unless you are there. 

As for putting himself first, you both have done this.  He accepted his residency before you knew you were going to grad school under the assumption that you would come with him.  You two made a plan together and you decided that grad school was more important to you than being with him.  I'm not judging your decision as good/bad, right/wrong, but it is what it is.   

You are both single, have fun.  If you are both still single when you or he is finished you can re-visit the issue. 

 

[lasquires]

He said that if we want to be in a relationship, he needs me to be in the same physical location that he is, and he feels like he wasn't enough because I decided that graduate school was more important than him. He said that he cannot give me a committed relationship due to the distance, but we still continue to talk regularly and visit each other every now and then.

This just puts me in a complicated situation because if we aren't in a committed relationship, I don't think I should continue to factor him into my future entirely, but I do care for him and can really see a future with him. Now is this an understandable situation? To just not be committed, and then make it work when you can? I have just seen so many long distance committed relationships work, that I hate to rule something out due to long-distance when we were both very young and very busy anyways. Words of wisdom?

Also, I know that I'm getting older, and my clock is ticking. I don't want to waste any time, and I think we could work it out eventually.

Kron, I would agree with you whole-heartedly except for the points quoted above. Not wanting to conduct a long-distance relationship is perfectly understandable. The problem is that Partner seems to be sending out shame vibes to the tune of "if you loved me, you wouldn't have gone to grad school" and seems to be keeping the OP in a state of limbo. According to Partner, they are broken up, but Partner still wants OP to keep him in consideration as she develops her future plans. Partner doesn't want the "commitment" but does want to keep talking and visiting, and there seems to be little agreement on whether or not the two of them can act like single people or if they should continue to behave as if they are in an exclusive relationship.

So the logic is something like: "I can't be with you right now, but I still want to guarantee that you're available to me when the circumstances are right (according to my definition), so I will keep the uncertainty and ambiguity level at a maximum in order to prevent you from getting away."

Furthermore, the aforementioned shame vibes suggest that Partner is not terribly invested in OP's career or future plans beyond their implications for the relationship. That is not a good sign under the best of circumstances, but it's especially problematic if OP embarks on some sort of academic career, where geographical flexibility is a must.

[larryc]

This is not complicated-boyfriend has announced he is free to mount anything that moves, but wants 1) to still be able to mount the OP when convenient, and 2) to make it clear to the OP that this state of affairs is all her fault.

[lgal121]

I think his fear of long distance relationships really stems from his prior relationship which was long distance and failed. However, it was an open relationship, and now he associates all long distance relationships with being open ones and failing. He said it's just a defense mechanism. Additionally, he feels that my decision to go to graduate school is me abandoning him. I've tried convincing him time and time again that open relationships won't work out in the long run, and I wasn't planning on hurting him or abandoning him, but now if all he can give me is an open relationship then he's setting himself up for that.

And it wasn't like I wasn't putting effort into the relationship. I did spend the entire summer with him while he started residency and was very supportive. I also figured that even though when I left we had been together for 9-months, we were at a pretty high level of commitment, given I lived with him all summer and helped him got on his feet.  We were also going to see each other at a minimum of every 2-months. Within 2-months of long distance, when he was supposed to come visit, he dumps me saying that I picked it over him. I'm almost to the point of just forgetting about him altogether because he makes me feel very taken for granted. Then after he dumps me, about a week later, he says that he didn't mean any of that and that it was just out of emotional stress from work. Then, he says that he thought he was single, but still really loved me and felt guilty that he couldn't give me a commitment. Yet, continues to act like we're still together. He says I'm the only one he loves, but I've been consistently confused why he can't commit to me then, especially if he truly does want a future, as he insists.     

And Kron, I appreciate your words because it gives me insight from his side, but why is it that you feel that I picked that graduate school was more than important than him? Yes, it was more of a priority, but rationally speaking I felt it made the most sense. Just because I pursued my education temporarily while he was working 80-hours/week didn't mean that I didn't want to maintain the relationship. It only meant that I wanted to pursue something temporarily that was important to me, just like he was pursuing something important to him. One shouldn't give up their goals because they met someone else unless they are to the point of getting engaged. It would allow him to get established and in the swing of things, while I was pursuing something that would allow me to become more marketable in his city. At 5-months of being together, when I had received the offer, I would have been a fool to turn something like that down.

A lot of you say that I should just end things. I have a feeling that is going to be difficult to do, but potentially for the best. It is true, I still love him, but I am getting tired of feeling taken so for granted. So how do you suggest ending it? I know he is going to say something like, "I knew you were going to do this and just throw me away," and I don't want to hurt him. I know he wants this to work, but is too emotionally needy for long distance, or something.... I also wish we could work out, but cannot build my entire future around someone who can't give me a commitment. And I feel that's fair enough.   

[lasquires]

I think you need to tell him exactly what you just told us. And be prepared to start screening his calls.

It sounds like the guy is just too emotionally immature for an adult relationship. Your concerns are entirely reasonable.

[mouseman]

It is true, I still love him, but I am getting tired of feeling taken so for granted. So how do you suggest ending it? I know he is going to say something like, "I knew you were going to do this and just throw me away," and I don't want to hurt him. I know he wants this to work, but is too emotionally needy for long distance, or something.... I also wish we could work out, but cannot build my entire future around someone who can't give me a commitment. And I feel that's fair enough.   

Let me repeat - there is no good future for you in this relationship.  You boyfriend has made himself the focus of this relationship.  All he seems to talk about is his career, his fear of commitment, and his baggage from his previous relationship.  When you were accepted to  graduate school it was about how it made him feel.  When he broke up with you, than it was all about how bad it made him feel, with no mention of your feelings whatsoever.

The biggest problem is that you have bought into it.  You worry more about his pain and the effects of the long-distance aspect on him than you think about your own needs and wants.  Do yourself a favor and break up with him.

Write a letter explaining it all, and ask him to respond only by snail mail, not by phone.  If he persists in calling you, screen his calls.  Don't worry, if you don't answer, he'll stop calling you as soon as he meets somebody else. 

[crowie]

A lot of you say that I should just end things. I have a feeling that is going to be difficult to do, but potentially for the best. It is true, I still love him, but I am getting tired of feeling taken so for granted. So how do you suggest ending it? I know he is going to say something like, "I knew you were going to do this and just throw me away," and I don't want to hurt him.   

If the worst thing that happens is he says something nasty to you on the way out (figuratively speaking) it may hurt you to hear it in the moment, but the good news is once you have ended things you don't have to let anything he says to you affect you any more.  If he needs to see the end of this untenable situation as your "fault" that's his choice, but it is not your responsibility.  Dealing with the end of a relationship is painful; you cannot take responsibility for his feelings and prevent him from feeling pain, as much as he wishes it were so.  All you can do is be honest with him and yourself about your situation and make decisions based on that reality. 

By the way, clearly you did choose (or prioritize) grad school over him, because, as you said, when you were accepted you were five months into the relationship and you were not in the position to be making life decisions together.  There is nothing wrong with that, it's just the fact of the matter.  It doesn't make you a bad person and the fact that he is trying to guilt trip you about it reflects much more poorly on him than on you.

[fiona]

When you break up with him, there's no point in worrying about his feelings or what he might say.

Who cares?

This fussing over what he'll feel is really self-lacerating. Also boring.

You are not responsible for his feelings. He is a grownup. Or if not, let him grow up on his own.

Just e-mail him, "Our relationship is over. Please don't contact me."

Then cry a little and feel deeply relieved.

The Fiona

[zharkov]

So how do you suggest ending it? 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RTiyLuZOs1A

[grasshopper]

So he's been burned by love. So what? Who hasn't?

I tell you, that may be a reason why he's treating you this way, but it's not an excuse. There's a difference. And at the end of the day, he's still treating you this way, no matter what the reason, right?