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[lgal121]

I am currently a graduate student in my mid-20s pursuing my master's degree and also working as an undergraduate teaching assistant. It has been an honor to be here, and I feel very privileged to have this opportunity to further my education. A little over a year ago, I met someone who I fell head over heels with and who was just completing medical school. We got into a relationship, and things seemed to move pretty quickly, and I considered even moving to where he was going to do his residency, which he wanted as well. However, 5-months into the relationship is when I found out I was offered the Assistantship, and I just couldn't turn it down, even though he was great. My program is only 4-semesters, and he was going to be busy with his medical training, and so I promised him I would move to where he was when I graduated, and I did spend the entire summer with him. Ever since then, he said he feels like it was a break up when I left for school.

Within 2-months of the long-distance, he broke up with me saying that he wasn't getting what he needed, and he hates long distance. He was in one before me, but it didn't work out, but they had only known each other for 2-months before jumping into it. Ever since then he has associated long distance relationships with failure and is worried about history repeating itself. As a defense mechanism he has to think of himself as single so he doesn't get too needy. He said that if we want to be in a relationship, he needs me to be in the same physical location that he is, and he feels like he wasn't enough because I decided that graduate school was more important than him. He said that he cannot give me a committed relationship due to the distance, but we still continue to talk regularly and visit each other every now and then. He says until I finish my degree we are on a hiatus and when I graduate I'll move to where he is and pick up where we left off.

This just puts me in a complicated situation because if we aren't in a committed relationship, I don't think I should continue to factor him into my future entirely, but I do care for him and can really see a future with him. Now is this an understandable situation? To just not be committed, and then make it work when you can? I have just seen so many long distance committed relationships work, that I hate to rule something out due to long-distance when we were both very young and very busy anyways. Words of wisdom?

Also, I know that I'm getting older, and my clock is ticking. I don't want to waste any time, and I think we could work it out eventually.

[eddyman]

I am currently a graduate student in my mid-20s pursuing my master's degree and also working as an undergraduate teaching assistant. It has been an honor to be here, and I feel very privileged to have this opportunity to further my education. A little over a year ago, I met someone who I fell head over heels with and who was just completing medical school. We got into a relationship, and things seemed to move pretty quickly, and I considered even moving to where he was going to do his residency, which he wanted as well. However, 5-months into the relationship is when I found out I was offered the Assistantship, and I just couldn't turn it down, even though he was great. My program is only 4-semesters, and he was going to be busy with his medical training, and so I promised him I would move to where he was when I graduated, and I did spend the entire summer with him. Ever since then, he said he feels like it was a break up when I left for school.

Within 2-months of the long-distance, he broke up with me saying that he wasn't getting what he needed, and he hates long distance. He was in one before me, but it didn't work out, but they had only known each other for 2-months before jumping into it. Ever since then he has associated long distance relationships with failure and is worried about history repeating itself. As a defense mechanism he has to think of himself as single so he doesn't get too needy. He said that if we want to be in a relationship, he needs me to be in the same physical location that he is, and he feels like he wasn't enough because I decided that graduate school was more important than him. He said that he cannot give me a committed relationship due to the distance, but we still continue to talk regularly and visit each other every now and then. He says until I finish my degree we are on a hiatus and when I graduate I'll move to where he is and pick up where we left off.

This just puts me in a complicated situation because if we aren't in a committed relationship, I don't think I should continue to factor him into my future entirely, but I do care for him and can really see a future with him. Now is this an understandable situation? To just not be committed, and then make it work when you can? I have just seen so many long distance committed relationships work, that I hate to rule something out due to long-distance when we were both very young and very busy anyways. Words of wisdom?

Also, I know that I'm getting older, and my clock is ticking. I don't want to waste any time, and I think we could work it out eventually.

How do you feel about him dating (and having sex with) other women?  Reading what you are telling us, it certainly sounds like he wants the option to be able to date but still sees some future in your relationship.  Selfish?  Maybe.  But there is some logic in this. 

[spork]

[. . .]

He says until I finish my degree we are on a hiatus and when I graduate I'll move to where he is and pick up where we left off.

[. . .]

He'll continue to string you along, having sex with you when it fits into his schedule, and if he finds someone more convenient, he'll stop calling.

You will be #2, at most, in his life until he finishes residency. It's good practice for being #2 in his life for the rest of your life.

[mouseman]

First of all, you're in your twenties.  Your clock is not ticking.  Besides, one of the worst reasons to stay in a relationship is "I need to settle down, because I'm getting old".   

Second of all, his requirement that you move to where he his, and the fact that he put his career before yours indicates that he doesn't really want a relationship between equals.  When he said that "he feels like he wasn't enough because I decided that graduate school was more important than him", he was being manipulative and a hypocrite after all he wasn't willing to move.

Finally, there are a lot of fish in the sea, but you only have one career and one life.

If you do decide to follow him, I predict that in a few years the two of you will be married, you'll be sitting at home, washing his clothes and cooking his meals, playing the Doctor's wife to perfection, wondering where all your dreams and ambitions have gone.  In about 15-20 years you'll get divorced and kick yourself for having wasted so many years on this guy.

I know it hurts, and I know you feel that your life sucks, but I promise you that it gets better, and that you will find somebody else, somebody who is better and better for you. 

So, in short, my advice is complete the break up, follow whatever your career plans you already have, and get into a relationship with somebody who isn't a manipulative self-centered putz.

[alto_stratus]

Spork and Mouseman nailed it.

"Ever since then, he said he feels like it was a break up when I left for school."
You didn't say it was a break-up, so I think he's manipulating you into thinking the end of the relationship is your fault, when it was really his decision.  He wanted to break up. 

"As a defense mechanism he has to think of himself as single so he doesn't get too needy."  Wah??  If he's saying what I think he's saying, I almost wish I could HOF him.  In short, this sounds like he was looking for an easy out of the relationship.  Or that he has some really big issues regarding intimacy.  Neither is good.

It really bites how getting your life started out on the right foot sometimes takes you away from people you care about; but I think you were right to look after yourself first.  Especially at your ages and with no real commitment between you two.  If one of you sacrifices so much for the other, you could really come to regret it a couple of years down the road.

If he doesn't understand why you need to do this for yourself, and if waiting a year or two is too much of a struggle, then it sounds like he's not ready for a long-term, adult commitment, with all the inconveniences and hardships that come along with such a commitment.  He does sound very self-focused now, as well as needy and emotionally complicated, and this is a challenging combination in a partner.  You need someone who is mature, is aware of and takes responsibility for his feelings and actions, and who cares about you and supports your success as well.

It seems perfectly reasonable to tell him that if you aren't in a relationship now, and he's free to see other women, he might change his mind about your relationship; and it's not fair that you remain committed to him, when he is not committed to you.  You can take a break for now and re-evaluate later.  Then get out there and date other guys who are excited about you and don't give you weird mixed messages and ultimatums.  From my experience, I wouldn't be scared about losing this guy.  But I might be scared of ending up with him.

[lgal121]

Thank you very much for the input thus far. Just to elaborate a little more.

I'd like to believe that he isn't out there dating/sleeping around, but given that we aren't in a committed relationship, it is no longer my business what he does. To me, it does make me feel like he wants to see if there is something more convenient available but doesn't want to cut the ties with me. When he was going through deciding where he was going to pursue the next step in his medical training, he factored me into the decision. He picked a location where he thought I would enjoy living and be able to find employment. He said that he had very high hopes for us and thought this next journey in his life was going to be about him and me. He really wanted me to be a part of it. Then once I got the graduate school offer, it was big disappointment for him.  Having only been with him for 5-months, I knew graduate school was the right decision for me. I thought we would be able to maintain a long distance relationship with his demanding career and my personal goals. However, I do feel bad that he factored me into that decision, and I didn't end up moving where he was, at least at that point.

He says to due to his work demands, he just isn't able to give me the commitment. I don't think he was looking for an easy way out of the relationship because he continues to communicate with me almost daily, continues to tell me he plans on marrying me, talks of the future, and even continues to plan visits. He mentions that he can't wait for my graduate school days to be done with and then I can be back with him. He says that he still loves me, but is unable to give me the commitment. I have 3-semesters left, so it will come up pretty quick. I'm just concerned because he is expecting me to move back to him, but isn't willing to commit in the meantime. According to him, he's completely single until I move there. Thus if I end up getting a job in a different location for some reason, he is going to feel strung along, and I don't want that to happen. He just will not commit to me unless I'm where he is living with him, but is still planning on me building my future around him. So I'm trying to look for internships and employment opportunities where he is at, but it is hard not to consider other locations when we're not even in a relationship.

I think this might stem from his prior relationship, which was also long distance, and didn't work out, but they were also not committed to each other. 

[mouseman]

...He picked a location where he thought I would enjoy living and be able to find employment... ....However, I do feel bad that he factored me into that decision, and I didn't end up moving where he was, at least at that point.

Are you sure?  One doesn't get accepted into so many residencies that they can pick and choose by region.  He would have to be unbelievably lucky to apply for, and get offered, in a specific residency.  He probably went to the best one that was offered him.  His claim sound suspicious, to say the least.
For the sake of the argument let us say that it is true.  He applied for a residency in a location that was good for you, and was accepted.  If he truly was willing to go through so much so that you could stay together, he'd be willing to wait three semesters for you to finish.  You would be seeing each fairly often, etc. 

Another consideration is that during his residency, he won't really have time for a real relationship.  I know enough MD's to know how that goes. The hours of residents are crazy.  On the other hand, having somebody around to make sure that everything is taken care of...  Maybe I'm just suspicious, but what you tell us about him and your relationship seem to point in this direction.

He says to due to his work demands, he just isn't able to give me the commitment.

How is you being physically there change that?

I don't think he was looking for an easy way out of the relationship because he continues to communicate with me almost daily, continues to tell me he plans on marrying me, talks of the future, and even continues to plan visits.

What else does he have to do?  he's in a new location, no friends, and has some time to spend every evening.  We'll see how it looks once he has friends and other ways to occupy himself.

He mentions that he can't wait for my graduate school days to be done with and then I can be back with him. He says that he still loves me, but is unable to give me the commitment.

No, he is not "unable", he is "unwilling".  Two very different things.

I have 3-semesters left, so it will come up pretty quick. I'm just concerned because he is expecting me to move back to him, but isn't willing to commit in the meantime.

You have every right to worry.

According to him, he's completely single until I move there. Thus if I end up getting a job in a different location for some reason, he is going to feel strung along, and I don't want that to happen. He just will not commit to me unless I'm where he is living with him, but is still planning on me building my future around him.

He may indeed be building a future together, however, first thing, he wants to have fun until then, and second, his idea of your future together more like his future, and how you'll make it better.

So I'm trying to look for internships and employment opportunities where he is at, but it is hard not to consider other locations when we're not even in a relationship.

Look for the best location for you.  He should not be a consideration.

I think this might stem from his prior relationship, which was also long distance, and didn't work out, but they were also not committed to each other. 

Of course it didn't work out, because they were not committed to each other.  So he now expects it to work when you are long distance, but not in a relationship?

Just out of interest, tell him that you're seeing somebody, not serious, just somebody to keep you happy until you finish.  Let's see if he thinks that you should be single too, or is it only him.

In summary:

He spins a tale of how much effort he's put into the relations

Then he tells you that waiting three semesters is too much effort.

Then he says that he is waiting, but will act as though he's single

Then he says that he's single (meaning, of course, that he'll try and have sex with other women).

Then he tells you a sob story about a long distance relationship that didn't work out, and uses that to justify his unwillingness to keep from sleeping with other women until you move there.

Have I missed something?  Oh yes, your success in getting into grad school was a disappointment.  That term is as telling as all of his other behaviors.  If my wife is offered a sabbatical in some great place while I still had to stay here, I would not be disappointed.  I would be proud of her, happy for her success, and very sad that we would be apart for a long time.  I would not be disappointed.  The only reason that somebody would be disappointed in a case like that is if he assumed that you had committed your life to serving him and his career, and you decided otherwise.  that would indeed be a disappointment to him.  He was disappointed that you weren't willing to be his cook/housemaid/nanny for him and your kids. 

Nothing that you have said has changed my mind that he is a self-centered manipulative putz.  He is sacrificing nothing for the relationship, and demanding that you give up everything.

[crowie]

It sounds like he really is paranoid about the long distance part and sees it as a death knell for the relationship.  As frustrating as it might be that he isn't willing to give it a go, it's his right not to want to be in a long distance relationship.  Some people can do it with ease, some people can do it even though it is difficult (and I don't mean by informing their partner that they are considering themselves single for the duration) especially if it has a clear endpoint and if the relationship is well-established before the period of distance, and for some people it's simply dealbreaker.  There is nothing inherently wrong with any of those positions.  

The problem is that he is not saying, "I can't do long distance, this is a dealbreaker for me, so I'm sorry, this simply isn't going to work out."  Instead, he is sending you mixed signals because on the one hand he is saying that in his mind he is "single" but on the other hand he is contacting you every day and talking about your marriage plans (once you, of course, get with the program that he's already set out for his and your life).  As a result he is talking and and acting in ways that are deeply, deeply controlling

he is expecting me to move back to him, but isn't willing to commit in the meantime.

He just will not commit to me unless I'm where he is living with him, but is still planning on me building my future around him.

???

He is planning on you building your life around him while seriously proposing to spend the next eighteen months (I am guessing, from your 3 semesters statement) "considering himself single" up until the day you arrive in his city?  

This is madness.

I think from what you have said you already see how ludicrous this is but because you guys obviously forged some kind of compelling connection during the five months of your relationship you are having trouble ripping off the bandaid, so to speak.  And so is he.  

Thus if I end up getting a job in a different location for some reason, he is going to feel strung along, and I don't want that to happen.

Wow, you are a thoughtful person.  It sounds like you are much more concerned about the theoretical prospect of you stringing him along in the future than he is about the fact that he is presently stringing you along with all this talk of marriage while he considers himself single.  Oh, and how could you have been stringing him along in this hypothetical future if he has spent all that time considering himself single--what would he have lost?  Isn't that, indeed, his point in declaring this?  

Basically his idea is an immature attempt to make consistent two different positions that cannot be consistent.  He wants to have the confidence and pleasure of a commitment (from you) while attempting to avoid the pain of disappointment (from a potential long distance relationship failure) by considering himself single.  It's not going to work and the fact that he even thinks it might says to me that he is not very mature or experienced in healthy relationships, whatever his other charms may be.

Sorry, I think it's time to rip off the bandaid, and it seems that you are going to have to be the one to do it. Good luck.

[fiona]

Sounds like he wants both of you to put him first, and you in the dirt.

You describe his feelings as if they're serious and important, and you dismiss your own.

He's not good for you. Dump him.

The Fiona

[kiana]

Fiona said succinctly what many others took more words to say.

They are wise.

Listen to them.

[alto_stratus]

It is very easy for him to hang onto the good parts of your relationship, allowing you to continue to invest your time, support and affection in him, while he avoids going through an official break-up. 

Pay more attention to his actions than his words. 

Graduate school can be a great place to start over.  Are you having a good time?  Meeting great people? 

[larryc]

You are not in a long distance relationship.  He dumped you.

[oak_and_ash]

In the succinct words of Dan Savage, DMTFA. 

Long-distance relationships work best with the use of stellar communication skills by each partner.  He is very obviously failing at that, and failing to keep your own dreams and hopes in mind when planning his - not yours and his - future.

[klaradeb]

What everybody said. The guy is bad news. Run.

(In the world of long-distance relationships, this translates into: block and then delete his e-mail address, his phone number(s), his skype accounts, delete him from your FB friends, and do not under any circumstances contact him again. Then go out and get a life where you are.)

EDIT: I believe it's DTMFA. Small, but important difference.

[zharkov]

He's playing you like a violin.