next »

[avidrunner]

I joined a TT job some months back. As part of the job package I had negotiated for a VAP position for my spouse in my university (different department). That was about a year ago, the clause being that my spouse had to defend the dissertation before taking up this position. Today, one year down the line, personal equations between my spouse and me have deteriorated to such low that we are on the brink of a separation. We have not officially separated but there is a great possibility that we may in the near future. Should I inform my chair about this new development or should I keep quiet? I get a sense that if I do not disclose then it may count as being unethical. On the other hand I wonder how much sense does it make to disclose personal details at work? I don't want my personal relationships to be discussed among my colleagues or in committee meetings. At the same time I feel guilty about the possibility of being unethical to my employer. Disclosing the possibility of a separation could mean withdrawal of the offer to my spouse. This measure is not to pull the rug below my spouse's feet but rather to be honest in my own dealings. A misstep could cost me unfavorably during the tenure review process. What course of action is advisable?

[larryc]

Until you are actually divorced there is nothing to tell.

Sorry you are going through this.

[avidrunner]

But isn't it unethical? Would it not seem like taking advantage of the system? My spouse is in a different city and I am reluctant to have us live together in my apartment. I am now so stressed out thinking about the hole I have dug myself into.
Thanks Larry for your message.

[larryc]

Wait--so your spouse is not in the VAP position yet? When is he supposed to start? And what does he want to do?

[avidrunner]

Wait--so your spouse is not in the VAP position yet? When is he supposed to start? And what does he want to do?

No. Next term. Haven't discussed the issue with my spouse.

[zharkov]

Chime with LarryC.  If you are not divorced yet, you are still married, and thus have a spouse.  Lots of marriages go through low points, including separations, and things sometimes work out, with the partners getting back together. 

PS:  My opinion, it is not unethical, per se, to take advantage of "the system."  Just wait, since it is only a matter of time before "the system" finds ways to take advantage of you.

[larryc]

You and your husband need to have a talk. Now.

[avidrunner]

Posted by: larryc You and your husband need to have a talk. Now.

The term at the moment is exhausting. I teach three classes (which include two new preps) and my students are turning in their exams/long essays by Friday. There is no teaching assistant to help. This week (as many weeks this term) on an average I am getting to sleep 3-4 hours/day. There is a conference coming up in less than ten days. The paper still needs to be written. I am on the brink of a burn out. I cannot handle personal stress over all this right now, I will just collapse. I know this is escaping of sorts but I need to focus on myself and my work.

[larryc]

Then yes you are being unethical, and negligent.

[tenured_feminist]

You have at least the same level of ethical obligation to your husband as to the institution for which you work. I understand the allure of avoidance, but Larry's right: you two gotta talk.

[scienceprof]

Posted by: larryc You and your husband need to have a talk. Now.

The term at the moment is exhausting. I teach three classes (which include two new preps) and my students are turning in their exams/long essays by Friday. There is no teaching assistant to help. This week (as many weeks this term) on an average I am getting to sleep 3-4 hours/day. There is a conference coming up in less than ten days. The paper still needs to be written. I am on the brink of a burn out. I cannot handle personal stress over all this right now, I will just collapse. I know this is escaping of sorts but I need to focus on myself and my work.

So, you have a conference in less than 10 days.  10 days from now is the 26th.  Presumably, if you are in the US, the conference will be concluded before Thanksgiving, on the 25th.  Tell your husband NOW that you don't have the mental energy for a serious talk before your conference, but that you two need to have a sit-down on the 26th and discuss your situation and plans.  This gives both of you a chance to be prepared for what is sure to be a stressful conversation.
Have you considered marriage counseling?  You said you are not yet separated

[avidrunner]

I just want to know if the spousal hire is unethical. I will slide into a nervous breakdown if I do not take my mind off the mess in my personal life. At this moment the question I just posed is all I can stress about.

[scampster]

I just want to know if the spousal hire is unethical. I will slide into a nervous breakdown if I do not take my mind off the mess in my personal life. At this moment the question I just posed is all I can stress about.

I think the point the others are making is that the answer to this question is dependent on all these things you don't want to talk about.

[macaroon]

avidrunner - here's the thing. 

Moving, changing roles, living apart, the tenure track, thesis defenses...  these are stressful times. Your relationship with your spouse is hanging by a thread, but could it be that the stress has just put you into a dark place?  Are you taking all your frustrations out on one another?  Can you stop doing that?  You can ask for help with that either through individual or joint counseling, or both.  It MAY get better should he join you. 

Telling your chair to withdraw the spousal hire would be a hostile act  - you'd be taking away his livelihood.  Consider it crossing a boundary into unforgivable territory.

But, hey, if one of you has already ventured into unforgivable territory, which I guess would be acts such as physical abuse, lying about finances, and possibly infidelity depending on your arrangement, maybe you should end the relationship NOW.  End it, convince him he wants you to have the spousal hire withdrawn, and then tell your chair. 

Also, consider now that the other department has been counting on his labor.  Prematurely asking to have the spousal withdrawn could leave your colleagues in the lurch as well. 

[hegemony]

There is a rather famous case in which someone negotiated a spousal hire for someone from whom, it transpired, he/she had been divorced for several years.  The new job-holder just wanted the ex-spouse around so it wouldn't be such a hassle moving their three kids back and forth between spouses.  The spousal hire got a plum start-up deal too.  I know of this case personally, not just through the rumor mill.  There was considerable aghastness once the details of this came out -- but both people are still employed by the same university.  For what that's worth.