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[drmau]

So I have been offered a not pleasing but adequate position in the same location as my husband. We have been doing the long distance couple thing for a year, and it has been lousy. Leaving my current position would be no hardship, because I hate it here. We can afford for me to stay home. So why am I so terrified of this? Why do I want to accept a crap job or stay put rather than do research, putter about the flat, shop, go to the gym, do cool volunteer stuff?
Why do I want to put on corporate drag and teach Business English rather than live a life? What am I so afraid of?

[zuzu_]

Is it the money--you feel the need to make money?

But if it were me, it would be the routine. I like getting up and having somewhere to go away from home. I could recreate this routine/separate work space and do research or volunteer work.

[msparticularity]

Could you negotiate it down to a half-time crap job? That would give you some structure and independent income, while allowing you time for your own priorities.

[menotti]

Or take crap job, and use it as a stepping stone/networking opportunity to non-crap job?

I'd say getting out of the labor market altogether is probably a bad idea unless you are miserable or have other clear duties (kids, farm, ailing parents).  You never know what the future will hold.

[larryc]

Tell us more about the job--what makes it crap?

[irhack]

Or take crap job, and use it as a stepping stone/networking opportunity to non-crap job?

I'd say getting out of the labor market altogether is probably a bad idea unless you are miserable or have other clear duties (kids, farm, ailing parents).  You never know what the future will hold.

I agree, better to keep working if you think you will ever want to work again. There have been a number of sad articles out recently about how employers favor employed candidates for jobs.

[slinger]

Eh, why not both?

[itried]

Are you clinging to the status of being a prof?

Or avoiding the stigma of being a stay-at-home wife?

[aristotelian]

There is a chance your husband may die or you may get divorced. In that case, you would want your own independent career.

[treehugger1]

I faced the same choice a couple of years ago: Either continue crap teaching job; find a job in industry; or quit work. Like you, I didn't need the money, but I worried about the stigma of staying home. In the end, I chose to stop working and so far, I haven't regretted the decision.


This is why it worked for me (YMMV):

1. I'm older (getting close to 50). I have already accomplished more than I ever thought I would in my lifetime. So, I see myself condition as early retiree, not as a homemaker/housewife.

2. In recent years, I'd been having a very poor physical reaction to stress. All it took was about three stressful weeks in a row to send me to the ER and from there into the hospital. (I wound up being hospitalized 6 times in the last 10 years of my working life AND having one major and failed operation as a result.)

3. My marriage has improved, now that we have more time for each other (and I'm much more relaxed).

4. We've been together for almost 23 years now, so I trust the relationship.

5. I get paid in a sense for staying home. I put $$$$ of my husband's earnings into IRA accounts in my own name every year. By the time he retires, I'll have enough in my own name to retire on ... on top of his retirement which will be enough for the both of us.

6. By staying home, I get to do the work I really want to do -- writing, research, performing, volunteering, etc. Now, I'm actually mentally engaged most of the day, instead of sitting around surfing in order to avoid piles of grading I didn't want to do, or the dissertation I didn't want to write.

7. Ideologically, this choice works for me. I honestly think there's so much about our society that's screwy, including our tendency to commodify just about everything. I find the "If-you-aren't-making-money-you're-not-contributing-to-society" mentality flat out wrong and am happy to be bucking the trend.

8. I have degrees in and have worked in three different fields. I also see myself as having a "survivor" personality. So, if something does go wrong and I find myself alone w/o a career, I'm sure I'll find some way of supporting myself.

9. I'm a true introvert. I finally admitted to myself that I *loved* just being by myself most of the day. (There, I said it. :-) )

There are probably other reasons, but that should suffice.


Depending on your circumstances, if you really want to just stay home, I think it's fine.



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[melba_frilkins]

Are you clinging to the status of being a prof?

Or avoiding the stigma of being a stay-at-home wife?

I suspect it's the stigma of being "just" a housewife. The stereotype of the housewife is that she's some combination of lazy, dumb, uneducated, dependent, weak, subservient, obsessed with trivial domestic chores, shopping and cosmetics and lacks freedom, independence, intelligence, and strength. I think we (women) have it so much pounded into our heads that we should get an education, get a job, have a career, be able to earn money, be able to be financially independent, we forget about why we're supposed to do those things in the first place. It's so that we can have choices and options.

Having the option to be a one-job family is actually quite a luxury if you frame it properly. You're not constantly squeezing life in between the cracks of two busy work schedules. And when and if children become involved, there's much more "life" to fit in there.
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That all said, if I were in that situation I might take the crap job, anyway. I would like the idea of having a definite routine and structure for my days upon moving to New Location. I think I'd feel lost for a while without a job, but could develop interests and contacts within a year or two and be happy to let go. Taking the job, as mentioned, would also hedge your bets if you'd end up wanting to go in the opposite direction, back deeper into your career.

[books4jocks]

Do you have kids, or plan to? If so I'd do the housewife thing in a heartbeat. You could pick up some adjuncting if you want to keep your toe in the professional line.

[macadamia]

What am I so afraid of?

Dependency can mess up a relationship. It means that it would be harder for you to walk away and you will both know it.

I have read an elightening report of a woman who paid most things for her boyfriend during his gradschool time and who said that it is very hard to not feel somehow entitled (and shameful for feeling entitled) if *you* are paying for the expensive vacation that the partner should be grateful and make it a good experience for you.

Reading the post of treahugger gives a good indication what circumstances can change this evaluation.

It might be the right decision for you, but it is a risk and you are righly afraid of it. Don't downplay your fear, but accept the risks with eyes wide open if you want to.

BTW, I wouldn't call a woman who stays at home for several years to take care of children or sick family members a house wife.

[klaradeb]

Do you have kids, or plan to? If so I'd do the housewife thing in a heartbeat. You could pick up some adjuncting if you want to keep your toe in the professional line.

I had a stay-at-home mother, and I wouldn't wish that on any kid. It's unhealthy for a number of reasons (but financial dependence on partner, lack of perspective due to being constantly with the kids, and frustration leading to a tendency to transfer one's ambitions on other family members instead of on one's own professional achievements are the main ones.) I think both parents making efforts to spend equal time with the kids is a billion times healthier for everyone involved.

[collegekidsmom]

[/quote]
I had a stay-at-home mother, and I wouldn't wish that on any kid.
[/quote]

and so every stay at home mother is going to be just like yours was? For many kids (or parents), having someone at home is the greatest thing. Depends on the many factors, and all the people involved. In my case, those were some fun times.