next »

[worriedandmoving]

Longtime occasional poster, and less occasional lurker, posting under a new username, for reasons that I hope are understandable.

My husband and I have been married for about a year, and although we eagerly hope to have children in the future we had imagined this still as a year or two off (I'm 31; he's 35). We were using contraception, so I don't really know how it happened -- but, I found out yesterday that I'm pregnant. My period is only a few days late, so this is still very early. I am in shock and considerable distress. We had been living together while I was in graduate school, but have just started on a potentially uncertain period of living apart. In August I began a TT job thousands of miles from the R1 at which he works and has tenure. The earliest time at which we hope to be reunited is next academic year (if he is able to get an offer from a university near me, which looks somewhat likely though far from certain). Otherwise it could be several years. This is my first job, so I'm also stressed about all the usual things and only just beginning to settle into a routine of teaching. He's as shocked as I am, supportive of what I choose, worried, and also thousands of miles away. (We had a weekend together a couple of weeks ago. Um.) The baby would be due in July, which would probably mean that I would be back in the classroom next September.

I have taken good advice from the wise forum-ites in the past. (Stapling vs. paper-clipping was invaluable during last year's job search anxiety!) I would value hearing from anyone who has been in this situation, however it worked out. I'd never imagined in my life that I'd have an abortion in a marriage (or really, outside of one) but I'm thinking this is the only solution. It also makes me feel very sad. As I said, we genuinely do want children, and then the possibility of future regret also rears its head even now -- what if we can't get pregnant again, etc. etc.?

[larryc]

First, congratulations.

Kids are always inconvenient, but this one is extra-inconvenient for certain. Can your husband explain what is going on to his dean and get a sabbatical in the spring to be with you for the rest of your pregnancy?

[mended_drum]

First, congratulations.

Kids are always inconvenient, but this one is extra-inconvenient for certain. Can your husband explain what is going on to his dean and get a sabbatical in the spring to be with you for the rest of your pregnancy?

Or in the fall, to help with the new baby and sleepless nights.  Congratulations.

[spectacle]

I'd never imagined in my life that I'd have an abortion in a marriage (or really, outside of one) but I'm thinking this is the only solution. It also makes me feel very sad. As I said, we genuinely do want children, and then the possibility of future regret also rears its head even now -- what if we can't get pregnant again, etc. etc.?

This happens a lot more often than you might think (understandably, a lot of women don't talk about this decision).  

Do you have a good, understanding OBGYN with whom you can have a frank and straightforward conversation?  She may be able to give you more feedback on the potential risks of an abortion (in terms of future fertility).

Whatever you decide, of course, worried, good luck to you and your husband.  Whatever decision you guys make will be the right decision for you at this point in your lives, relationships, careers.  *hugs*

[ideagirl]

I'd never imagined in my life that I'd have an abortion in a marriage (or really, outside of one) but I'm thinking this is the only solution. It also makes me feel very sad. As I said, we genuinely do want children, and then the possibility of future regret also rears its head even now -- what if we can't get pregnant again, etc. etc.?

Okay, this is not my business and is a very personal decision so I hesitate to offer advice, but you wouldn't have posted if you weren't seeking advice, so here is some: if the thought of abortion makes you feel very sad, it is probably not the right choice for you. Particularly if it makes you worry about the possibility of never having children (which is a real possibility for women in their thirties who live thousands of miles from their husbands and thus don't "see" [euphemism] them very often). If the thought of it made you feel relieved, I would be giving you totally different advice... or more likely, you wouldn't even have come seeking advice because the right way forward would be clear to you.

Full disclosure... and I'm not even going to bother posting under another handle... I had an abortion at age 22, under much less baby-conducive circumstances than you (I was a jobless illegal immigrant in a foreign country where police routinely asked everyone for their "papers," so I lived in daily fear of deportation, and I had no health insurance and was living in a 200 sq ft one-room apartment with an emotionally abusive a-hole who was, even without me in the picture, on the wrong side of the poverty line. Oh, and we had no friends or family nearby). The country I was in had had safe, legal abortions for many years--there was no stigma whatsoever--but here is the advice the woman at the abortion clinic gave me before I had it: "If you're not really sure it [an abortion] is the right thing for you, then we would advise you not to get it."

That was their standard advice for all patients. Apparently they had made this their policy after observing that in general abortion truly was trouble free (no emotional aftershocks at all) for women who were not conflicted or only slightly conflicted about it, but women who really weren't sure--who were conflicted--not infrequently fell into depression afterwards. I was conflicted (despite the bad circumstances I did love the guy), but I went ahead with the abortion, and I did get quite depressed afterwards. This is despite the fact that I have been adamantly pro-choice all my life, like my mother before me, and was raised non-religious in a liberal bastion; I mention that just to clarify that there was no weird baggage about abortion in my conscious or subconscious. I didn't feel guilty about it, I just felt really, really, really, really sad. I still sometimes wonder who that child would have been and what my life would have been like if I'd had him (I had a gut feeling it was a boy, but who knows). I'm glad I didn't, but that's because I'm really really glad I didn't get stuck with that boyfriend. I'm not sure how I would feel if he'd been more along the lines of your husband--a good guy that I wanted to, or did, spend my life with.

But what's true of me may not be true of you. What's right for most women may not be right for you. This is absolutely personal and between you and your husband. Just bear in mind, when you're making the decision, that there is never going to be a convenient time to have children. Children are inherently inconvenient. Your careers will, inherently, have ups and downs. Life continues happening, curve balls and all--what I mean is, there's no plateau you finally reach where at last everything is perfect for bringing a child into the world. So as you make the decision, obviously make it on whatever bases make sense to you guys, but don't make it on the false assumption that there will be some perfect time in the future where your living situation, careers, finances, health etc. will all be right for having a baby. If everyone waited until that perfect moment, the human race would have long ago ceased to exist.

 

[dr_alcott]

Worriedandmoving, you just found out yesterday, and it's still very early in the pregnancy. Please give this some time. I agree with Ideagirl that if the thought of having an abortion makes you very sad, then perhaps you shouldn't have one. Then again, what do I know?

Let's pretend that you decide to stay pregnant. What's the worst that you're worried about? If all of that were to happen, what would you do? How would you handle it? What do you need to look into to find out? Are there any single mothers (or mothers similarly separated from their husbands) around you who can advise you about available child care, etc.?

Worriedandmoving, I wish you the best possible outcome. I hope you'll find some quiet time over the next couple of days or weeks as you make your decision, and I hope that you find peace in whatever that decision is.

Ideagirl, thank you for sharing your story.

[infopri]

Hi, worried.  I'm sorry that your pregnancy came at such a bad time.  I truly don't know what you should do, because it's such a personal decision and because only you and your husband have all the information and perspective needed to make the decision that's right for you.

That said, I do have a few thoughts for you to consider, if you find them useful.  First, as larryc and ideagirl point out, many pregnancies happen with terrible timing, and more often than not, things work out.  But if abortion isn't off the table for you, then I want to assure you that it's a viable option, if it's what you and your husband decide is best right now.  In today's political climate, especially in certain parts of the country, I think women who consider abortions feel ostracized or at least marginalized, so I will tell you that I, too, had an abortion (at seven weeks) many years ago, when I was 19.  (I'm 53 now and have not had children.)  While I occasionally do wonder, out of curiosity, what life would have been like had I made a different choice, I have had no regrets in all these years, not even during moments when I wonder whether I'd have been happier as a mother.  The abortion was absolutely the right decision at that time in my life.

So, if I have any advice to you, it's this: Do some serious soul searching, alone and with your husband.  Talk to your doctor(s).  Sleep on it; since you are so early in the pregnancy, you have a little time to consider what you want to do.  Keep in mind that your hormone levels may already be changing, so "live with" your feelings for a while to be sure they're your true feelings and not just the result of mood swings.  And then, once you decide, commit to your choice and don't look back--whichever way you decide.  There's no way to know how "the other choice" (whichever it is) would have turned out, and there's no percentage in torturing yourself by wondering whether you did the right thing.  It will be the right decision, whichever way you go, because you'll have done your very best in considering the options--and that's all anyone can ask of herself (or himself, as the case may be).

Good luck to you, and hugs.

On preview:

What's the worst that you're worried about? If all of that were to happen, what would you do? How would you handle it? What do you need to look into to find out? Are there any single mothers (or mothers similarly separated from their husbands) around you who can advise you about available child care, etc.?

Dr_alcott poses good questions, and I suggest you ask them of yourself for every option you're considering.  (I'd add, of course, "Is there anyone who has had an abortion--or who knows a lot about them--who can advise me about physical and emotional risks?"  Etc.)

[itried]

Dear worried,

How difficult this decision. I am heartened by the thoughtful and caring feedback you've received here so far, and I agree with others' suggestions to take some time to think about this, and to talk about it with as many trusted people as possible.

While I agree that it's important to think carefully about how you'd like to build your family, when, and under what circumstances, I think it's equally important to keep your job in perspective. It's your first year in your position, and you've worked very hard to get where you are now; you've sacrificed a lot to pursue your career, even going so far as to move across the country from your partner. But, there are no guarantees in this job; in two or five or ten years, you may hate it. You may find yourself bored. You may despise grading papers and editing theses, or grow demoralized by corrupt and inept administrators. You may be targeted by the department bully. So, I suggest that in weighing this decision, you consider that your job, while important and fulfilling and satisfying, is one element of your life. One. And there's no guarantee that it will be important and fulfilling and satisfying to you in the long term; it may be, it may not be. Just reading any number of CHE "Career" fora will show you that the possibilities for satisfaction and fulfillment are endless.

I'm not saying that having a baby guarantees satisfaction and fulfillment; what I am saying is that if you choose to have a baby in July, you may have to reorient your perspective on your job a bit, which I think could be healthy in the long run.

Good luck with your decision, and know that you have our support.

[worriedandmoving]

Thank you all so much. I was a little bit nervous about posting, but what sensible and truly kind advice you give. I particularly appreciate the suggestion that several people have made not to rush; I was thrown into a flat panic last weekend and had convinced myself I needed to figure things out immediately. On itried's point about the job: I do feel, yes, that I've already sacrificed a lot for this career, and things are working out generally well in my new job (though the teaching prep is taking so much longer than I ever imagined...). My colleagues are friendly, but none of the other assistant professors have children (only one other woman) and I would be extremely worried about telling them about this. Somehow it seems faintly unprofessional to get pregnant two months into the TT! And I can barely imagine how I'd keep things together next year, when I'll be taking on some graduate students.

Today I went to the OBGYN and have reassured myself that, at the very least, a medical abortion now would have no effect on future fertility. On the other hand, I have no guarantee of getting pregnant again easily, and the tenure clock stretches away long long into the future... The one thing that we had been factoring in, in our very general longer-range family plans, was the likelihood of my husband having an offer from a nearer university either next year or in 2013.

I am going to be doing some more thinking. We are both very grateful for these gentle responses.

[itried]

Hi again worried,

I see where your perception originates that it's unprofessional to get pregnant in your first year on the TT... but I hope you can see how cruddy it is that women academics have been made to feel this way. A man wouldn't think twice if his wife got pregnant during his first year on the TT; instead, it would be tacitly understood by all of his colleagues that he's finally made it, he finally has some job security, health insurance, and a stable income, so why not? I wonder if you could shift your thinking about this a bit: who says that you can't be a professional and a mom? It makes perfect sense: you got what you've worked for -- why not have children now? 

Again, I want to be clear that I am in no way telling you what I think the right decision is, and being on the TT would be challenging with a child, to be sure. I'm only suggesting that in making your decision about whether to keep this baby, you don't give too much credence to the sexist double standards that create unnecessary fear and self-doubt in incredibly competent, bright, capable women like you.

[ideagirl]

who says that you can't be a professional and a mom? 

Itried, I really appreciate your entire post. I'm highlighting that sentence especially because it's so right... especially since the vast majority of women who are childless professionals right now are going to have (or adopt) children, and then we're going to be professionals and moms. I mean, that's definitely going to happen at some point: the vast majority of us will have kids, and then the vast majority of those who have kids will continue to be professionals too.

That's just how life is at this point in history in this country, and how it's likely to stay for the foreseeable, so it's about time workplaces adapted to that.

[klaradeb]

A man wouldn't think twice if his wife got pregnant during his first year on the TT; instead, it would be tacitly understood by all of his colleagues that he's finally made it, he finally has some job security, health insurance, and a stable income, so why not? I wonder if you could shift your thinking about this a bit: who says that you can't be a professional and a mom? It makes perfect sense: you got what you've worked for -- why not have children now?  

Thank you, itried. I'm but a grad student and didn't feel I could contribute to this thread in any meaningful way, but probably like many women reading this thread I found the fact that having a baby during the first year of the TT was somehow considered professionally irresponsible very scary. I couldn't help thinking of an ambitious male colleague whose wife had a baby during his second month on the TT. People's only remark was that a baby was good for your work because it forced you to learn time management and to follow a regular schedule, ultimately making you more productive. Now, I get that that the maternity leave after the baby is born is longer than the paternity leave, but beyond those three months vs. two weeks, where's the difference? Why is having a baby considered a great thing for men on the TT, but somehow a terrible career move for women? Surely both parents have days when they have to pick up the kid at daycare before 6 pm?

[fourhats]

I went to graduate school with toddlers a year and a half after giving birth, wrote my first book on the TT with youngish children, got tenure ahead of my cohort.  My female colleagues mostly agonized about when to have children, making rules like, get tenure before starting a family, in some cases waiting up to 10 years, looking for the right time.  There is no perfect time.  I've never looked back, and my children never held me back, and kept me grounded and focused and gave us great joy. Nowadays my junior colleagues seem to have far fewer qualms about starting families at the same time that they start their careers, not wanting to put their lives on hold.  It's a different decision for everyone.  It is a huge decision for you, and you have to look at your heart to know which decision will please or pain you more in the future.

The big issue here, if I read you correctly, is less that it seems unprofessional in some way to have a baby now, than that you might be a single parent for a year or two while learning the new job--hard for sure.  Do you have a relative who could come live with you for that time?  I've seen that happen.

[worriedandmoving]

Thank you, thank you all again! I'm glad that the thread seems to be raising useful more general questions about female academics and motherhood. Being pregnant in the first year of the TT worries me, not only because of colleagues' reactions, but because I'm aware that I'm only just figuring out what the job involves. I am at an R1 where tenure standards are high (around 50% of people make it), only got my PhD last summer, and don't have too much yet in the way of publications. But the main problem isn't the job, as fourhats says, it's being a single parent. My parents live in another country (I'm an immigrant) and I don't have any other relatives in the US. I do have a few friends in the town I've moved to, but most of my college and graduate school friends are elsewhere. If my husband could arrive in town next year that would make things completely different, but we have no guarantee of that working out. Taken all together — at least this morning, when I'm about to walk into a full day of class/office hours and then a committee meeting, and then a visiting speaker and dinner — I'm just not really sure I can cope with this. But still thinking.

[karmann]

Have you considered how your feelings toward your colleagues and university might change if you choose to terminate based (in part) on their perception of pregnancy/parenthood?  I would think there's a pretty high probability of resentment there, not on the level of resenting a boyfriend or parent who coerces an abortion, but possibly enough to sour the very employment situation you're trying to maintain.