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[motormouth]

My family which includes pre-teen niece, brother, sister-in-law, sister and one parent (and myself) have a difference of opinion about the holiday gift giving among ourselves.

*We used to give everyone a gift with a certain money limit. (everyone bought 6 gifts @ $20)
*After that we tried drawing names, and buying for one person. ($40-50 a few years ago)
*Then we moved to a model where we take a generic gift (now up to $100) and draw names on Christmas.

I want to be done with the whole gift giving thing. I never get anything useful. In fact, I consider it clutter that I don't have room for at my house. I don't want people buying me bath towels that don't match what I already have. I have some very nice appliances that won't need replacement for decades. Clothes are hard to buy for myself, let alone others trying to buy for me. I could go on with the nice gifts I have given, and the total crap (10 dishtowels and a bottle of salad dressing is $100?) I seem to get in return.

I may seem ungrateful, but we are all in a position where we don't really need anything. In fact, I consider our family very fortunate for what we have. We grew up very poor and never had a lot of gifts. I would like to take this combined $500 and help a family, maybe one with young children, that need help. I would give the whole amount to Toys for Tots or similar. Our home church and local community agency also have a program that does this but with food, and toys.

My greedy sister and sister-in-law think it is not Christmas unless you shop and spend money on themselves. I have more than once outright declared that I will not participate in this crap, and I get guilt trip phone calls from Mom and the two greedy wenches about me "ruining Christmas".  To keep the peace, and Mom happy, I go along every year. It annoys me for weeks at at time, and I have at least 3 Rubbermaid totes of past gifts that are just taking up room in the basement. (Which reminds me, I need to donate those when I clean over Christmas break.)

It makes me grumpy and hate the whole season. I guess this is more of a vent than a request for help, but anyone else have similar issues?

[barred_owl]

In some ways that I won't get into here, I can relate to what you're saying, motormouth, although I've never really felt the hostility that seems to emanate from your post. 

Since you have stated that you'd rather donate to worthy causes, have you thought about making such donations in the name of the person to whom your generic gift would be given?  A card stating that a gift in the amount of "X" was made to Meals on Wheels or the Sierra Club or such, in the name of the recipient of your gift, could at least satisfy your wishes to donate to some charitable organization--assuming, of course, that your true desire is to make such donations.

At the very least, and based purely on the descriptions you've offered of your "greedy" relatives, the disappointment that your giftee(s) will feel when they learn that their 'gift' is a donation to a cause rather than some material item will match your disappointment with the tangible gifts they've given you in the past.

FWIW, I have experienced similar situations.  It took a few years, but I finally convinced my very materialistic sister that, due to financial constraints, we could not buy gifts for everyone and that the Owl Roost contribution would be limited to gifts for the very youngest (a 4- and 9-year-old), and that we did not expect anything in return.  The 'message' took, and I now buy gifts only for the little kids; my sister still sends a package of items that she thinks Mr. Owl and I will appreciate, in exchange for our thoughtfulness for the little kids' feelings/expectations.  I figure that if we get a package with a month's worth of pipe tobacco for Mr. Owl, and a couple of pounds of Starbucks coffee for me (things I've told my sister we want) in exchange, we're doing alright.

[oldadjunct]

FWIW, my daughter and SIL (both up and coming, more coming than up) ME/JD and ME, respectively, unilaterally announced "No more Christmas gifts."

As adults it is all just more un-needed stuff.  As a self-sufficient adult I am more than capable of buying what I need.  If I wanted it, I would already have it.  The coffee mug, DVD collection, or sweater does not tell me you love/appreciate me.  It only tells me you "had to" because it was Christmas.

Lest I sound too self-righteous, I slipped into this pattern of reflexively buying stuff for nearly everyone I was likely to encounter about ten years ago.  It took me a few years before I snapped out of it, when I realized they also were buying things for me that I really, really didn't want, and I supposed I was dong the same to them.

My epiphany:  I don't want all this stuff; no one else does.  Anyone who does, is not someone I want to hang with.

Children excepted, but only to an extent.

[brixton]

There are ways to deal with this to make everyone happy.  For your gift, make it something you do well -- cook a dinner or make brownies, clean a room, help a materialistic sister-in-law throw a party, garden, clean a car.  I've done coupon books.  The dirty secret about homemade coupons is rarely are the coupons cashed in.  It just becomes something in a file that gathers dust.  But it doesn't support the excesses of the holiday, and it's no extra stuff, and you're participating and part of the thing that sis/s-i-l think is important, and so family can't complain about you... to your face.

As for the gift you're given, as you drive home, drop it off at the local goodwill.  They like new stuff, and someone I'm sure will find it useful.

[theritas]

My sisters and I have this conversation every winter (before and after the get togethers.)  We haven't really found a way to communicate our feelings due to the emotional ties that people have to the shopping and wrapping and giving, as well as the difficulty in calling someone you don't talk to often enough to bring this up.  I'm going to be out of town for all of it this year, so I'll likely just give to the children.

[aprilmay]

That is a tough situation. There is nothing that is going to make everyone happy. I would love to get the homemade gifts that Brixton describes, but your sister and sister-in-law probably would not. To make the best of it, can you try giving people specific ideas? Maybe you do not want towels, but could direct them towards a book store gift certificate? There was a thread quite a while back on whether it was appropriate to give charity and some people were livid at the idea. I have friends and family who ask for charitable donations in their name as gifts, so I did not get the opposition at all and was surprised to learn that some people found this unacceptable.

Since you cannot make everyone happy, I suggest you can quit trying. I am not suggesting that you deliberately cause problems, but that you do what you need to get through the season with sanity. Give gifts of charity if you want. Ask for specific things if you want. When you are told you are ruining Christmas, you can say that you do not consider Christmas to be the celebration of shopping. I would not engage in long conversations on this topic as you will not change their mind, nor will they change yours. There are no easy answers for you, but you cannot change your family's materialism. Good luck.

[theritas]

I suggest you can quit trying.

This has been the best approach for me in the past as well.  When people ask me, "What are doing for so and so?"  I would actually have to admit, "I'm just buying everyone whatever I feel like / something I thought that they MIGHT appreciate, and that makes me happy to give."  For the young ones I actually consulted the parents / wishlists.  Otherwise, it was, "oh, that's cute.  I'll buy it, and someone will get it, and I hope that works out."  And mostly from those "Gifts that Give" websites.  Now I'm wondering how to check which of these are effective at the giving back part.

[zuzu_]

Frankly, I don't think this is a battle worth fighting with your family.

I do my best to give practical, non-clutter, non-taste-specific gifts, such as gift cards, food (nuts, chocolate, Omaha steaks), liquor, nice coffee, and consumable items that save people time (such as holiday-themed paper plates and whatnot). I consider myself to lucky to have a generous family and in-laws, and I do receive a lot of gifts I don't want and won't use (quesadilla maker, novelty cake pan, etc) so I donate them to the homeless shelter/thrift shop in my community. Everybody wins this way. People get the pleasure of giving gifts, I maintain a positive relationship with family members, I keep my house decluttered, and poor people get money/stuff that they need.

[juvenal]

I am getting last year's Christmas gift this weekend from the only people (very good friends) with whom I "exchange."

At Juvenal's age and what has accumulated in J's small house, more "stuff" is clearly not welcome.  My friends are also stuff-stuffed.

I've a large box of useless gifts from this'n and that'n put away in a closet.  I've more or less stopped the inflow with firm words.  But what to do when Holiday generosity seems what we want to do?

The solution?  Things that are experiences, not things.  For us, it's "dinners out... and sometimes a concert as well."  So, the day before Halloween, I'll be taken to hear Schubert and then to a tasty post-concert restaurant meal.  These folks got their dinnergift from me last spring.  As you can see, we are not the types to find ourselves in a litter of wrap and ribbons come late morning on December 25th.

I convinced my only living close blood relative to forego gift exchanges.  Living over a thousand miles apart, a shared "music 'n' food" option is hard to manage, and so with our recent paternal inheritances, whatever "stuff" we want, we get for ourselves.  Relative got a new bathroom; it looks as if I'll be needing a new refrigerator.  I'll put a bow on it.

[melba_frilkins]

Frankly, I don't think this is a battle worth fighting with your family.

I do my best to give practical, non-clutter, non-taste-specific gifts, such as gift cards, food (nuts, chocolate, Omaha steaks), liquor, nice coffee, and consumable items that save people time (such as holiday-themed paper plates and whatnot). I consider myself to lucky to have a generous family and in-laws, and I do receive a lot of gifts I don't want and won't use (quesadilla maker, novelty cake pan, etc) so I donate them to the homeless shelter/thrift shop in my community. Everybody wins this way. People get the pleasure of giving gifts, I maintain a positive relationship with family members, I keep my house decluttered, and poor people get money/stuff that they need.

This, exactly. The family members who see gift-giving/receiving as emotionally important, they get to stay happy. You go ahead and happily donate what you receive, or once in a while enjoy a happy surprise that you've received something you can enjoy.

I can see, however, how the $100 generic gift option would lead to the most unhappiness. That sort of random assignment of gifts is fun in the $10 range. But when you're talking putting in a $100 for a crapshoot, it's easy to feel short-changed (even if you end up with a $100 gift, well, a hundred dollars worth of what?). So, assuming gifts are to be exchanged, I'd try to nix that option.

And assuming that you're going to be stuck receiving gifts, embrace that, take control and point it in the right direction. Make a wish-list of things that you would actually find to be useful or enjoyable. If it's hard to come up with things, start right now: until after Christmas you are not allowed to buy anything for yourself, it has to go on the list instead. If something is so important that you do have to buy it now (like, um, food) find a way to get that onto the list as well (e.g., gourmet versions of your favorites).

[wanna_writemore]

A few years ago, my brother and SIL unilaterally decided there would be no more gifts.  This hurt my mother's feelings terribly, but she also understands. I'm a little disappointed because I like to shop for them, but I can redirect to shop for their kids. For both this niece and nephew and my niece and nephew on my husband's side, we buy pajamas, books, and craft kits. 

We go from year to year on my husband's side.  I do hope we stop exchanging gifts with them altogether, since we're not close enough to know what they have, what they'd want, etc., so it's a "you spend a requisite $30 on me, I'll spend a requisite $30 on you, and it's a big crapshoot whether anybody likes their gifts or not" situation.  I'd rather skip it and buy what I want for myself.  I feel very guilty, and even sometimes angry, when I don't like a gift someone has gotten me.

[marigolds]

Start regifting?

[lasquires]

I come from an enormous family (immediate and extended). We usually have 30 people in the house at Thanksgiving and Christmas. I love my family, but in order to survive in this environment, every person reaching adulthood has had to decide which holiday-related battles are worth fighting and when it's just time to grit your teeth and endure some annoyances for the sake of family unity. So, for my mother and one of her sisters, the battle was over the fact that cooking for 30 was essentially left to the two of them once my grandmother's MS made it impossible for her to work in the kitchen. The compromise is that the entree items for our big holiday meals are essentially take out (really good take-out), and every smaller family unit brings their own side dish or dessert.

When it comes to gift-giving, here's the thing: some people find exchanging gifts to be an important ritual. It's not always about "greed." I personally do enjoy the whole process of shopping for a person, trying to satisfy a need or want or searching for something that is small but meaningful in the context of our relationship. It is difficult to voice an objection to gift-giving that doesn't shame others who find that ritual important, but there are ways, I think, to make it less of a hassle. In our family, we do a name-draw and put a $30 limit on gifts, but one of the best things we did recently was start a wish list wiki. Each year, I send out a reminder to everyone to update their wish list so that the person who draws their name has something to go on, and, as a rule, everyone gets something they want.

And one easy gift that is almost always a winner is a restaurant gift card. In our family, at least, eating out almost always feels like a luxury, so it's nice to be treated to it.

[icicles]

I second the comments about food gifts and gift cards. If I were in the "generic $100" family, I'd buy something small from a store that most would like and then use the rest toward a gift card (mug and cocoa from Williams Sonoma plus $75 gift card, Christmas movie and cd plus Target card).

That way it looks like I cared enough to pick something out, but the person can always bring it back to the store along with the gift card and shop for him/herself.

In my case, I really like Christmas shopping and try to buy practical but nice gifts for people (bright red socks that don't have a christmas pattern but are festive, alcohol, cute christmas cards, nice pens, a "cold and flu" kit that contains kleenex and nyquil, etc.) I think of the gifts I have used that I've gotten for Christmas in contrast to the stuff that collects dust, and, although they are unromantic, the socks, pens, hair ties, spatulae, and ibuprofen are winners.

[mended_drum]

With one part of my family, we do a book exchange.  The rule is that you can't buy a new book, unless it's for a child.  Instead, you have to pass on one you've read that you think fits the personality of the person you give it to.  It's terribly fun, because even if someone gives you something you hate, the little notes we write explaining why the book fits the person are a hoot. 

A very old battered copy of Sex for Dummies shows up in someone's stocking every single year. 

With new annotations, of course.