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[mphil_misery]

I am a longtime CHE member but today I am posting secretly because of the shame, humiliation, and real hopelessness of my situation.

I am a permanent university lecturer in the humanities outside of the USA. Yes, I have a permanent post, and I love my job. And I am good at it.

But my PhD jury just blocked my defence from going forward, and they are demanding major revisions.  An external jury member ambushed my committee and has blocked my defence from going forward. Culturally this is simply not done here, well, until now.

I can't give more details or someone might recognize me.

Officially, I have 6 months to rewrite the whole thesis, but given many personal issues that will be unmanageable. The required visions include methodological issues and a complete rewrite of the thesis.

I am 47 years old. I have health problems that slow me down. I work 70-hour weeks. I have a disabled child and a mother with Alzheimer's disease. I am also the sole breadwinner in my family. I think I have to put my family first. And that means burying this corpse of a thesis and trying to be a decent spouse and parent from now on.

I am going to tell my adviser it is over. My consolation prize will be an MPhil, which is essentially just another MA.

I don't know what to say to my colleagues at work. Thankfully, my job is NOT in jeopardy, and I recognize how truly fortunate I am. Really. My family loves me unconditionally, but still, I am really struggling.

I am on antidepressants and am seeing a therapist. Have any of you had a spectacular crash and burn? How do you get over the shame and humiliation? How can one reinvent oneself after having failed so publicly? How can I find balance in my life?

[larryc]

Yikes, I am so sorry. Are you sure there is no way to completion? Have you talked to your DGS, to the dean, to the department chair?

[zarathustra]

So sorry to hear about all your personal and family issues.  

Is this a good time to make this kind of major decision, though?  You might be feeling so shocked that you could be ditching a thesis that can be saved.  Can you take a week to let the shock subside and then have a really private talk with your advisor? 

The whole reason I started posting on this forum is because I thought I was about to crash and burn on the tenure process.  

You know, if you get to the ABD part of a Ph D while managing a family with major health issues, that's not crashing and burning.  That's a lot of successful coping.

[11thfloor]

There wouldn't be a forumite on the forum who hasn't had a spectacular failure at something that matters somewhere along the way and who doesn't know how absolutely shattering it feels.  It seems to me that you are coping heroically, reaching out for support, recognising the limits of the disaster and the ways in which you can count yourself lucky, and able to keep in perspective what really matters to you – your child and your mother and what those relationships require from you.  I admire you so much.
With a permanent job as a lecturer you are already a success and could afford to let the PhD go.  There can be other successes to follow – a failed thesis might become a successful book or a series of articles, you may be freed up to work on other, more creative projects, you may have the time to try out a radical new teaching project.  These successes may mean far more to you than the PhD.  Kate Atkinson might never have written Behind the Scenes at the Museum if her PhD thesis hadn't been failed.
Still, it may not be as impossible as it seems to do the six-month rewrite.  It may not be worth it, but perhaps you could look in to getting six months off teaching on a research grant to do the rewrite, or find out what possible support there might be from the university for you.  Can you hold on to a sense of the importance of the work you've done, whether it becomes a thesis, a book, an article, or becomes the catalyst for another project? 

[helpful]

Did the jury block it after the external member gave their critique? What does your supervisor say about the comments of the jury?

I know of a case where an external examiner was chosen after the dissertation was accepted by the committee to go to defense. The letter from the external examiner was received by the supervisor. It was not a good one. The supervisor realized then that the external they had chosen was not appropriate because of the agressiveness of the report and so the supervisor appealed to grad studies for a new external. The defense was postponed and later on that same year, a new defense was scheduled and the student passed with flying colors.

I emphasize here, though, that the original external's letter indicated they didn't even understand where the student in this case was coming from in terms of philosophy, paradigms, methodology, etc. So no conversation with this external would have been helpful. The committee had just made the wrong choice for an external.

Could this be your situation. How did you get this far without your committee warning you? Perhaps you missed the warning signs and decided to proceed to defense over your committee's objections? Or were you completely blind-sided by this without any warning?

PS is the "jury' your committee?

[testingthewaters]

OP, it sounds like you are more than frazzled at the moment, and with very good reason. Any of the issues you mention would be enough to produce major stress; all together, all of this is just a very bad mix.

I, too, wonder if there is no road left to completion here. It sounds as though you have the support of your department, but need to figure out the hoops that need to be jumped through to make the external examiner happy. It may be that the 6-month timeline is not realistic given your personal situation. Can you talk to your department and ask for leniency with the 6-month deadline? Realistically speaking, how much time would you need?

You are right that the world will not end if you don't finish the degree- you will still have a job, and most of your life won't change. But, you are so very close to completion that it seems a shame to let this slip away. In the end, only you can decide if you want to persue this. I would encourage you, though, to take a step back and not rush the decision to keep going or leave the thesis.

Good luck to you regardless of what you decide. This sounds like a very tough time in your life.

[wegie]

Misery, major rewrites are not the end of the world. The number of people over here who get major rewrites is pretty significant.

Talk to your supervisor about your medical issues. The one sure way to get an extension is to provide good medical reasons. Preferably, you should argue that the clock should be stopped for a while in addition to the medical extension.

Now go home, have a cry with your spouse, and start marshalling your arguments. Please don't just junk the thesis... that's what I did and I've always regretted it.

[brixton]

Where is your advisor in all of this?  Have you been in communication while you wrote?  This really reflects poorly on him/her -- is that the problem?  Does s/he have little power on the committee?  Every institution is different, but I would definitely wait a week to refocus, and definitely sit down with him/her to talk options.  I know it happens, but I really think any advisor who can let you get this far and then abandon you needs to be talked to.  As I know you know, MPhil and ABD aren't the end of the world.  Many don't make it that far.  But revising isn't always as difficult it might seem.  I'm with everyone here -- no absolutes or final decisions until you can see clearly what you're looking at.

[systeme_d_]

I agree with Brixton -- It looks like your advisor really screwed up somewhere, unless you insisted on going ahead with the defense while s/he cautioned you to wait.

I'd also recommend taking a week to cry and think and regroup.  Then you might want to seriously consider revising and resubmitting.

[itried]

Oh no mphil_misery. This must feel awful. You have my sympathies and support.

I agree with brixton: your doctoral adviser is responsible for making sure this doesn't happen to you. But (s)he didn't. So, I also agree with others here who say DO NOT GIVE UP. Given your personal circumstances, I think you have a strong case for asking for an extension. Could you ask for an additional six months, giving you a full year to complete the major revisions? At 48 (then), you will have 20-30 years ahead of you in your chosen path, with an education and accomplishment that NO ONE CAN TAKE AWAY FROM YOU.

I really, really think you should finish it if you can, or at least do everything you can to make that happen.

[promovenda]

My sincere condolences.

I agree with those who have said that you seem to be coping well with many difficult contingencies in your life, and you can be proud of that. It is good that you job is not in danger and that you are fulfilled in it.

I disagree with some; I would argue that there is a ceiling for us all and you may have reached it. Don't berate yourself. Perhaps the dissertation can become a book or series of articles instead. Perhaps you do need to move on.

On the other hand, I don't want to discourage you if the jury is still out, if you can get an extension, etc. Only you can find out the answer to that. But when each of us reaches our personal ceiling, we each have to make sense and meaning of our personal narrative without falling into despair.

[spork]

1) There is no shame in getting caught in what is essentially a bureaucratic and mentoring f*** up.

2) Don't make any permanent decisions about your academic future while being treated for depression.

3) Talk to your dissertation supervisor and frame the conversation as "I want to move forward on this, what's the next step?"

[busyslinky]

We have all had setbacks.  Life throws many unforeseen events at us and we deal with them.  I think the advice provided here is correct.   I would take some time away and relax a bit.  Then speak to your advisor to see what went wrong.

But, first thing is to take care of yourself.  Your health is the most important thing. Without your health you cannot help others or your career. Make sure you address the health concerns and then move on to other things.

Do not make any long lasting decisions regarding your career path until some time has passed.

[tenured_feminist]

I agree with what's been said about taking care of yourself first. But then, think about this as a problem to be solved, not a crushing failure or defeat.

I also agree that the first step is to meet with your advisor. At that point, you and advisor should game the scenario as creatively as you can. Are the revisions in fact do-able? Can the deadline be extended? Can the outside member who blocked the thesis be booted? How much effort/energy is this worth -- what exactly is at stake here? I don't know what field you're in, but I was once on a dissertation committee where the dissertation just was not gelling as a whole, and we ended up figuring out a little known exception in the rules that allowed the candidate to submit a series of essays on discrete topics. Each essay had to be over the bar, but that worked better for this particular person than an entire, sustained, book-length argument.

And keep in mind that it may be the right choice to let this go. I know several people who never completed theses and lived happily ever after. Some were my advisees. Judging by my experience with folks in this boat, there's an intense period of grief and mourning and loss, but it does pass, and eventually, if you're wise, you can reframe it as the right choice and path for you rather than as a failure.

All good thoughts.

[dragonbait1]

Just chiming in to offer support and to agree with what others have posted - don't make any major life decisions now.  You need to talk to your adviser immediately.  It sounds like you have the support of your department, and you might have more support than you think.  I failed my first oral exam and it was absolutely the most crushing rejection of my life.  It was months before I could even re-enter the building, and I very seriously considered leaving the department and becoming a pastry chef.  My department actually rallied around me, got me extra funding, and in essence convinced me to stay.  Support came from all kinds of unexpected corners.  You might be able to get an extension, some of the revisions perhaps can be lessened, who knows.  But take a few days off from it all, and speak with your adviser and re-assess.  Hang in there.