next »

[prytania3]

Here is the thread for people with teenagers.

As many of you know, I went through every circle of hell with Prylet from 14-18. 19 was better, and 21 is a lot better. He is now employed with a skill and on his way to being a good citizenship.

If it's trouble, I've been there.

Have fun!

[wilbrish]

Thank you very much.  Here is something I'd like advice on from those who have been there. I don't believe my 17-year-old son is misbehaving (perhaps I'd be the last to know), but he does not talk to me, at all.  He ia also angry at his (absent) father. 

I don't know what's "normal" and wonder how much conversation I should force with him. Most people tell me this is normal but I wonder...

[whatmeworry]

In my experience (four - the youngest now almost 20) it is normal. I have a friend who is a school counselor who gave me some terrific advice: Talk to them. They're listening, even if they don't answer.

My advice to you is to make him be polite and civil, but don't force him to talk. Talk to him and - when he does talk - listen carefully but refrain from asking lots of follow up questions.

Good luck! It will get better.

[wilbrish]

thanks.

[bourbonrose]

Ditto!

[quotiazelda]

Eldest Zelda is 14, so I'm sure I will need this thread at some point.

[msparticularity]

My daughter is nearly 24, but we definitely went through some times during her teen years! I think the thing that probably helped the most was that she had a number of other trusted adults in her life, so even when she wasn't speaking to me about what was going on, I knew she had regular contact with others who would give her feedback she'd be fairly likely to listen to. I did also tell her a couple of times--when I was really fed up--that I clearly couldn't communicate with her about <whatever> but that I was calling her favorite aunt right now, and was going to put them on the phone together.

With a teenaged boy, Willbrish, the stereotype would definitely be that there's less likelihood he'll be talking to anyone about feelings. Does he have other trusted adults in his life, though--including teachers and/or coaches? The latter were very important to my daughter as well; she is quite athletic, and had long-term relationships with her coaches in a couple of sports.

I also agree with whatmeworry: in more recent years, my daughter has shared several occasions when she used something I had talked to her about--although I would have sworn at the time that she was ignoring me.

[punchnpie]

I know people won't believe this, but I didn't have any problems with punch jr when he was a teen. I thought I might (you hear so much) and was concerned how I would handle someone taller than I, belligerent, etc. but it just never happened. I could be wrong, but I attribute this to three things:  1. some kids are just easy going and never cause major problems, 2. his father died when punch jr was 14. I'm thinking that punch jr just didn't want to cause any more unhappiness, and 3. I kept up with his friends, had them to the house, knew their parents, etc. I was reedy to cut off inappropriate relationships at the pass.

Now you guys know that punch jr, while quite the guy, is not perfect. So while his teen years were good, he came back from his first term at Big Blue like a different person. He started to say 'no.' I'd never heard 'no' from him. He got a mouth, which I had to resolve quickly; no way was he going to talk to me the same way that he spoke to his peers. We still spent time together, he wasn't crazy or hard to be around, but I just think he developed some of the teenage difficulties later. Fortunately, he came around quickly and these weren't lingering issues.

[kaysixteen]

Species Homo Teenager is nigh onto the most inscrutable critter on the planet.  How did we all survive those years ourselves?

[concordancia]

Species Homo Teenager is nigh onto the most inscrutable critter on the planet.  How did we all survive those years ourselves?

I did it by sitting on the sidelines, but having observed carefully, I refuse to get one of my own. Which works, because my partner is afraid of diapers and car pools. Between the two of us, we are the perfect non-parents.

[lotsoquestions]

I've got three I can lend you -- You might need the diapers for when the oldest drives you around town.  It's quite terrifying!

[mystictechgal]

I've got three I can lend you -- You might need the diapers for when the oldest drives you around town.  It's quite terrifying!

I'll take 'em for awhile. I love to borrow teenagers. I have plenty of experience with them from both a family and mentor perspective. My experience suggests that, in general, they behave better for me than for their parents.

It has occurred to me, in fact, that for large periods of the past, children didn't spend the kind of time with their parents that they do today. As comparisons get made between the relative maturity of kids today vs. those of a similar age in the past, I think that might explain a good part of it. Not that I think that we should return to that, but do understand that, in general, your teens do listen to you, and do know what is appropriate behavior, but they don't feel the same need to impress you (you'll love them anyway, which is as it should be), as they do to impress someone that's NOT you--be it boss, mentor, or friend. IMO, the biggest issues happen when there is no boss or mentor, and the friends, also often having neither, are less than optimal.

[tamiam]

I believe that in "olden days" young teens were sent off to live with other families for an extended period of time at about age 14.

As the parent of a 14 year old, I think this sounds absolutely marvelous.

[mystictechgal]

I believe that in "olden days" young teens were sent off to live with other families for an extended period of time at about age 14.

As the parent of a 14 year old, I think this sounds absolutely marvelous.

Depends on how "olden" your olden days go, and in which age. Children (of royal birth) were, I believe, sent to train to be Knights (eg, high ranking children ransomed to, in many cases, ensure loyalty) at around 9-12, or so.  By 14 many were being married and successfully starting, and raising, families. In many other parts of the past children as young as 4-6 were apprenticed to various trades. As I said, I do not believe we should return to those periods. But, as you all may ask your students, "What do you think a future employer would think about that <insert behavior>", I do think that many learned that lesson earlier than do today's young. And, probably, by way of much harsher methods.

Again, my point is not that we should return to that, but that we should learn something from it. There is lot for them to learn from a boss on a job or a mentor in a non-profit volunteer position. And, just as they learn and listen to them, much of what they are entering with has come from you. They just don't show it to you as they do to the boss or mentor.

That said, sometimes some of you (probably not anyone posting here) need a whack to the head. I recall a young man that was an exemplary volunteer. He cared about the environment, he was outgoing with the public, he absorbed information like he was a sponge. He gravitated to both me and my husband, but more to him, as though he was a hydrogen molecule in need of a home. The first parent-teen/adult volunteer get-together "you've done so many hours we are rewarding you" event, we met his father. My husband extolled his virtues. We could tell that his father wan't, initially, comfortable. As my husband, and the I, talked about what a good kid he was his father seemed to inflate. It was like no one had ever said anything good about him in his life.

 We didn't know it at the time, but the kid was a felon. He wasn't yet 16, but he'd spent tine in prison--not jail--for a felony. His dad had given up on him. Yet, he's a great kid. Until my husband said that, his dad had pretty much given up on him. Don't do that! Don't ever give up on your teen, or anyone. There is someone else in there, somewhere, that is the person you knew and raised. Always allow them the option to come back to that.

(Not to say that tough love--these were your choices and you chose this one, so live with your choice, isn't the right way to go. This teen had to deal with the penal system, and then his family. The program + someone outside the family = familial acceptance, which probably also meant = societal acceptance. Not a bad outcome.)

[antiphon1]

I've no wisdom to add to the conversation.  As a participant in the teen parenting experiment, I anticipate all drama all the time.  Murphy's law run amok for lack of a better descriptor.    

Give me about 5 years.  I'll have time to reflect at leisure on the zeitgeist that is a teen household when I'm not actively trying to keep the wheels on the tracks.