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[2clueless]

My relationship with my boyfriend has been tumultuous with his depression, physical violence, ill performance in school.

midnightinparis, this is the first piece of your life with which you need to deal. I've been there, felt that for a friend, whose reliability and attractiveness was in stark contrast to the mental illness and physical violence in my 10 year romantic relationship. But here's the thing: this isn't about a choice right now between your boyfriend and your friend. It's about your well-being. Let's say that your friend called you tonight and said that he wanted a romantic relationship with you. You would bring your current reactions and beliefs from your abusive relationship into your new relationship: your new relationship will not work until you have enough distance and healing from the abuse to be able to enter an equal partnership as a healthy individual.

Leave your boyfriend. Leave.Your.Boyfriend. Tell your friend that you value his friendship and would like his support during this difficult time, but aren't ready to consider whether you and your friend should be more than friends: if something happens in the future, it sounds like it would be wonderful for you, but if you care about your friend as much as it sounds like you do, you want a relationship with him that will last and be wonderful. You are not in a place right now to enter a lasting and wonderful relationship - I promise. I also promise that you cannot see the forest for the trees right now: that's a result of being in an abusive relationship. End that relationship, read about codependency, and heal yourself first, before you consider another relationship.

I am speaking from personal - and very recent - experience. When you are in an abusive relationship, you make excuses. You look for someone else to rescue you from the abuse. You do not realize how bad it is. I didn't understand until I almost lost my life.

No way. For one thing, it's a long first post--that almost always spells troll, and second, no one can be this clueless.

Yes, they can. I picked my moniker and adopted the Clue mantle years before I realized how clueless I was about my marriage. (Now it seems a bit ironic, in the Alanis Morissette way.) The Fora is a very strange place to ask for this kind of advice, but I wrote a very similar - and very long - post under a sock at a more appropriate forum when I had a similar experience (the internet ate it when I went to post and I cried for a few hours). I was focused on the potential relationship rather than the problems in my existing one, because potential is exciting and shiny, while dealing with the truth about the detritus of the abusive one is impossible when one is in denial about the reality of the relationship.

This poster is asking for advice in the wrong place, but her story and voice suggest the potential to be real. At the moment, she's not asking that much of us, she's not twisting her story, and she's respectfully responding. What harm is there in letting this poster/thread play out for a bit? What difference does it make? If you feel she's a troll, stop reading the thread: don't give her any of your time and energy. If she turns out to be a troll, those of us who are giving her our time and energy can feel gullible and cheated.

If this poster is truly in denial about the abuse in her current relationship, you are doing her harm by saying that you don't believe her story. Please - for now - take your doubt to OOs, just in case.

[midnightinparis]

After several weeks of contemplation I decided to call it quits with my boyfriend. He has not been able to take the breakup too well. He has been living for the past four months with my friend. Now that my friend is leaving the US my ex-boyfriend needs a place to stay for free. He wants to move in my apartment although I have categorically told him that that is not an option. My blunder has been that while the rent lease for my apartment is primarily under my name, he is also a co-renter although he has not paid a single penny towards rent or household utilities. He was here about two weeks ago and again got into arguments and insults. Thankfully I managed to get his copy of the apartment keys from him. I do not feel safe around him any more. What can I do now to prevent him from moving into my apartment since his name is also on the lease? I love my neighborhood and apartment and do not want to break the lease or look for another place to stay. I don’t think he is looking for an alternative arrangement to stay or even if he is searching anything concrete has materialized. I will be traveling around the time he has to vacate my friend’s house and worry that he may call up the apartment management, lodge a complaint for lost keys and enter my apartment. He managed to get a one term teaching position in one of the small colleges in the city which is close to where I work. So informing the police (in the worst case scenario) may make things ugly and set gossip and tongues wagging which I am very uncomfortable with. Do I have any (including legal) options that can take care of the situation without creating too much sensation and noise?

[scampster]

I hate to say it, but I think that unless you are willing to file a restraining order or the like because of threats he has made, then you probably should move out. It sucks to lose a place you love, but if you feel unsafe, that is a minor price to pay. Without any official documentation from the police, I doubt you could convince the apartment agency to bar him from getting a copy of the keys as he is on the lease.

[grasshopper]

And get the lease changed before you leave. He's defaulted on rent - you have grounds. Let the super or your landlord know that he may request access to your apartment, but that you've declined.

[midnightinparis]

Thanks for your response. Does the police need evidence to process a restraining order? If so I will need to get in touch with the university psychiatrist with whom he had counselling sessions in the past and perhaps some of my friends who have been a witness to his outbursts although I wonder how many of them will be willing to stick their heads out in what is primarily a private matter. Plus some of these friends are also his potential future colleagues in the academic world and I wonder if they would want to soil their relationship with him by taking a stand that goes against him or even get involved.

[alto_stratus]

Does your school or insurance provide counseling services?  If you find contacting the apartment management or authorities too intimidating right now, I would start with the counseling office.  They have probably seen this before, and may be able to help you understand your options. 

[zharkov]

Thanks for your response. Does the police need evidence to process a restraining order? ....

It depends on state and jurisdiction, but I'd strongly suggest you talk to the police.  (Perhaps not call 911, which gets you an emergency services dispatcher, so find an alternative "main" number.)  Make it clear to them that you'd don't feel safe.

[womanofproperty]

OP, what you want is called an emergency order of protection where I live, and there are domestic violence advocates at the courthouse who will help you with  the process of getting one. If you call the police, they will probably refer you to that office and you can get the ball rolling. You appear before the judge, tell her/him what's going on, and they order that person to stay away from you. The other person typically isn't present.

Once you have the order, if the person shows up, you call the police. You tell the landlord, apartment manager, or whatever about the order so that they know not to let the person in the apartment. A court order is a matter of public record, so you're not going to be able to hide what's going on. On the other hand, it's not published in the newspaper.

The emergency order of protection is generally good for 2 weeks, then there's a hearing with both parties to see if it should be extended (which would be a two-year period). The hearing would be where you would tell the judge what happened, present any evidence for what you are claiming and have any witnesses describe what they've seen and heard (they have to be present, an affidavit won't be sufficient). The other person gets to argue that they're not a danger and present their evidence and witnesses. Either party can have an attorney.

If you have an order of protection he will not be able to stay in the apartment when you are there. If he has things there, someone else will need to get his stuff, or you will have to arrange to be out and have someone else supervise his picking up his things.

How much do you value your safety? If you are afraid of what he might do, get the order.

[midnightinparis]

Thank you all. I got in touch to find what he has been planning about his stay. He is looking for an apartment in the same neighborhood as me although not in the same building. Its not certain if he will get a place here but it seems like it is pretty clear to him that he cannot stay with me. I hope better sense prevails and things do not take an ugly turn. I will read up more on the emergency order of protection in my state. Thanks for the information.

[historienne]

On the emergency order of protection (also known as an emergency or temporary restraining order): if you don't want to start by calling the police, you can start by directly contacting your local domestic violence agency.  You can get a referral by calling the national hotline: 1-800-799-7233 [SAFE]. 

You might also simply mention to the landlord that you have broken up with your boyfriend and ask if s/he would be willing to let you break the old lease and sign a new one covering the remainder of the time on your lease.  As long as you still qualify for the apartment without your ex's income, it would probably not be a big deal.

[midnightinparis]

My ex-boyfriend is graduating soon and he called to invite me to attend the commencement ceremony. I am undecided regarding whether I should visit just for a day since I invested a lot of myself and my time towards his degree. I promised his parents that I would make sure that he finished and did not quit the program due to his bouts of depression. The reason I waited so long to call it quits was because he was writing his dissertation and a break up at that stage would have hampered his progress plus it would have meant breaking a promise I made to his parents. I like to take things to the end and feel that attending the commencement would provide a civil and dignified closure to something we both started together so many years ago. I want to be kind about the whole thing while knowing that I am much stronger from within now than I was a couple of weeks ago (therapy and time with myself has helped). Is it necessary for me to be a b***h if he has been a d***? While this is how I see it I am not sure how my attendance at the ceremony would appear to the rest of the world (not that I care) and him. I am at times unsure if this thought is another manifestation of my codependency? I am reading on the order of protection in my state too just in case I need to use it although I would loathe if a situation arose where I would need to implement it.

[lasquires]

I am undecided regarding whether I should visit just for a day since I invested a lot of myself and my time towards his degree.

You should not.

I promised his parents that I would make sure that he finished and did not quit the program due to his bouts of depression. The reason I waited so long to call it quits was because he was writing his dissertation and a break up at that stage would have hampered his progress plus it would have meant breaking a promise I made to his parents.

You are not responsible for this guy's life. He is an adult, and you don't owe his parents jack.

I like to take things to the end and feel that attending the commencement would provide a civil and dignified closure to something we both started together so many years ago.

Given that you no longer feel safe around this guy and are considering filing for an order of protection, "civil" and "dignified" were left behind a very long time ago, and that's entirely his fault.

Is it necessary for me to be a b***h if he has been a d***? While this is how I see it I am not sure how my attendance at the ceremony would appear to the rest of the world (not that I care) and him. I am at times unsure if this thought is another manifestation of my codependency? I am reading on the order of protection in my state too just in case I need to use it although I would loathe if a situation arose where I would need to implement it.

Re-read this a few times. Your boyfriend is an abusive a**hole. Your steering clear of him does not constitute b*tchiness. It constitutes self-preservation and common sense.