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[midnightinparis]

I am in a very strange crossroad in my life. I have been in a relationship for ten years. My closest friend in USA is a common friend to us. He has been my confidant and has stood by me at every moment of difficulty all these years. We share a comfortable space. Over these years my friend had been in relationships and breakups with other women. We had separate lives but somewhere we conjoined mentally and emotionally. My relationship with my boyfriend has been tumultuous with his depression, physical violence, ill performance in school. All through those hard times my friend had been my constant support. At times when I asked him what I should do about my relationship he always told that this was a decision I should make myself. He never influenced me one way or the other. Meanwhile although I went back to my boyfriend I increasingly felt that I am getting distant from him in my heart.

Two months ago I resettled to a new city for a new job. My boyfriend has no job and money to pay rent so he is now staying with my friend (the person I mentioned above). About six weeks ago I went back to visit them. My friend hosted me. We had a lovely time together. He cooked food that I love, bought all small titbits from local shops that he knew I am fond of. Later that evening when we were alone he hugged me and tried to kiss. I was taken aback because I never saw this coming. He was extremely passionate but I resisted that night and retired to sleep. Over the next morning and day he tried to get passionately intimate again and although I tried to keep myself in control, I eventually gave in to his intensity and kissed him back. Nothing “else” happened although it could have if I allowed; he respected my space. Never before have I responded to a man’s touch the way I did to his. I was (and am) very confused by my own reaction. He seemed very genuine. I returned back after two days and have been thinking about the entire episode. I feel I responded to him because my relationship with my boyfriend is not working.

I was feeling disturbed and wanted to tear my mind away from my friend. So I had my boyfriend come over and spend some time with me. He had not moved in with me because he has some work related commitments in the town we previously lived. I tried to love him but was left in the cold after we had another of our vitriolic arguments. He left back soon thereafter.

Meanwhile a week after my return I called my friend to know how he was doing. He sounded very troubled because he realised that the entire episode (at his apartment) had disturbed me. I know for sure through common friends that he was indeed very disturbed. When I pressed him he told that he is not looking for a long term relationship and that if he could erase what had happened he would. He added that his feelings were genuine and what happened was not casual. I wanted to see him again. His first reaction was that my visit “would make things worse” and that it will “not be worth it to visit” just to meet him because he doesn’t have anything new to say. When I broke down he said that he cannot see me cry. I composed myself but kept thinking that he is trying to get away because he is friends with both me and my boyfriend. I still want to know what he had in mind so I sent him a card expressing my thoughts. He told me that if I still felt the same way after a week, I should feel free to visit.

Over the next couple of days he ignored my calls for sometime but then later called me up. We had a long conversation where I tried to express my thoughts about the incidents in his apartment and of our friendship in general. I told him that I value him as a close friend and confidant and that we should not lose out on the friendship that we have cherished over so many years. Since this conversation (about 2-3 weeks back) he has been receiving my calls and we have been talking normally.

Meanwhile my relation (or whatever little emotionally is left of it) with my boyfriend has only gone downhill from our last meeting. I still feel emotionally strongly drawn to my friend and am unable to get him out of my mind. I sometimes feel I had something for him but never realized it until I had to leave my old town. I am trying hard to divert my mind by trying to mend my relation with my boyfriend, focusing on my teaching, students and research but I just cannot get him out of my head. To make matters more complicated my friend just quit his job (due to office politics) and will be moving back to his country. He has also started seeing his ex-girlfriend since I left. That came as a terrible shock to me but I get a sense that he is doing what I have been doing to divert his mind off the potential of a romantic relationship between us. I think he does not want to ‘betray’ my boyfriend who is also his close buddy. It took me several days to come to terms with his returning back to her.

However, I am very restless and want to see him again. He has asked me to visit him whenever I wished. Last week I bought tickets to visit him but he decided to spend time with his ex(?)-girlfriend and meet me only for part of my trip. I decided not to visit because I do not want to come in their way. We spoke later and I told him that I am glad that he has found happiness in her. But he said in a rather frustrated way that he “will never find happiness” in his life again. That statement struck me. I remember him saying that “everything will come back to being ‘normal’” soon. He also said that I would not “lose” him and that he will be there for me if I needed his help. I wonder if his idea of being “normal” is stifling his emotions for me because the situation is “very complicated” with him being friends with both me and my boyfriend. Or is he doing this because he doesn’t want me to “cheat” (although I feel emotionally I am just too far from my current boyfriend). Or were those just brief moments of emotions and what he has for her true and real love? I don’t want to add more troubles for him since I know that he is having a hard time at work with the resignation. I want to be by his side as a support but don’t know if my presence will be intrusive (I am willing not to bring any of what happened between us at this point). Now that he will be leaving this country very soon I feel that “bringing things back to normal” is snubbing off what potentially could have been.

I am so conflicted. My peace of mind is corroding and I cannot take it any more. I don’t know what to do. I am scared that with time slipping out of my fingers I am losing him too with each passing moment.

I am so sorry for the long post but I had to get it out there. Thanks for your patience.

[prytania3]

Your boyfriend is physically violent? Dump him. That's your first order of business.

[dr_alcott]

Your boyfriend is physically violent? Dump him. That's your first order of business.

Yes. Get out of that relationship now.

[lizzy]

Agreed on dumping the boyfriend.

As for the other guy, his behaviors don't seem consistent. I would be hesitant to trust him or to depend on him, even though he has been a good friend in the past. He seems to be realigning his priorities, which is certainly his right, but you don't need to base your priorities on his. As hard as you might find it, I'd suggest pulling back from him, until you work out what you want and why you want it.

Consider taking some time and focusing on yourself--explore your new city, cultivate friendships, make plans for continuing success at your new job. Don't let this confusion with your friend define your life.

[infopri]

Your boyfriend is physically violent? Dump him. That's your first order of business.

Yes. Get out of that relationship now.

Chime.  Even if this friend were not part of the picture, it's quite clear from what you've written that this boyfriend is bad news.  Dump him.  Get out now.  Don't let him talk you into "trying again."  He will just get violent again.  It's guaranteed.

Once you're out of that relationship, things may clarify for you and your friend.  Right now, whatever is going on is complicated by the sense of loyalty you both feel for your violent boyfriend.  Once that relationship (with your violent boyfriend) is out of the picture, you and the gentle, good-hearted friend can try to sort out what you really have.  Maybe you should stay friends, maybe you should be friends with benefits (sex), maybe you should date or even be boyfriend/girlfriend, maybe you even should get married.  But you can't be sure what you want until this other relationship is over.  Otherwise, you'll never know whether your feelings for this other guy are real or just a fantasy escape from the violent boyfriend.  And he (the gentle friend) will never know whether his feelings are genuinely romantic or whether he's just trying to rescue you.

As for his (the gentle friend) pulling back from you, remember that you rejected his advances.  He may be doing his best to give you the space he thinks you want.  Also, he may be trying to protect himself from being hurt.  Don't take his withdrawal at face value.

Good luck.

[midnightinparis]

Thank you for your replies. I have been trying to break up with my boyfriend since early this year but he was finishing his dissertation. I felt leaving him at that stage would not be a good idea since it would adversely impact his writing. I wanted to be around as his support and did too. He is increasingly becoming a mental stress on me. Sometimes I feel I am happier when he is not around. My worry is that now I will forever lose the closest friend I've had in this country for the past eight years. I don't bother if my friend or I never have a romantic relationship in future but I am certain that I want him around as a close friend. Now I feel as if the male buddy bonding he has with my boyfriend is much stronger than anything he's ever felt for me. He quit his job last evening, came back home, and spent his time with his close male friends including my boyfriend and stayed overnight at his ex's apartment. (I know since we have common friends in that group; someone in there called me up and informed me about his resignation, he did not). I called him twice to see how he was doing but he never returned my calls. In the midst of all people in his life I seem to be the one left out despite the fact that in the past we have shared so much between us. We have discussed, argued, laughed, sought and given our opinions to each other. It just feels terrible and I don't understand what I have done to lose out on his friendship. What is he punishing me for? I cannot read his distancing. Maybe I cannot understand since I am emotionally so embedded in this whole thing; perhaps a neutral third person has a better sense on what might be on his mind.  I realize that everything in life has a closure but this is definitely not the way how this relation should have ended. I just cannot cope with this anymore.

[glowdart]

Thank you for your replies. I have been trying to break up with my boyfriend since early this year but he was finishing his dissertation. I felt leaving him at that stage would not be a good idea since it would adversely impact his writing.

What's more important:  your health or his writing? 

(Hint: It isn't his writing.)

[larryc]

Your boyfriend is physically violent? Dump him. That's your first order of business.

Yes. Get out of that relationship now.

Chime.

Yep, DTMFA as Dan Savage would say.

I have been trying to break up with my boyfriend since early this year but he was finishing his dissertation. I felt leaving him at that stage would not be a good idea since it would adversely impact his writing.

So what? He is an adult and responsible for his own actions. He can write or not, his call and his problem.

So dump that ass, but don't jump right into something else. Just be by yourself, let your feelings settle down.

[offthemarket]

Dump your boyfriend now.  You're not responsible for anything in his life. He's been physically violent. Dump him. You can't "try" to dump someone.  Either you do or you don't.  Just dump him.  It's that simple. If he doesn't take the dump, tell him to stay away.  If he doesn't, call the police.

As for this other guy, he's been your best friend for a long time. No matter what he says, he's always wanted to go out with you. Decide whether you like him this way and let him know one way or the other. Your decision about your friend, though, has nothing to do with the violent boyfriend that you should be dumping right now.

[midnightinparis]

Yes yes yes I know I should! I have known it for long but never had the courage to call it quits. Too scared of being lonely in an alien country plus I always wanted to try everything possible to "make it work." Moreover I thought I would never find love and the idea of loveless living was too terrible to imagine.

How can I get my friendship back on track? I think having a close friend who you know will "be there" in need, you can be silly with, you can argue fiercely with one moment and laugh the next, you enjoy sharing time with is any day more valuable than anything else. Perhaps I should just let things take their natural course, or perhaps let destiny take charge or perhaps just learn to be more patient and calm.

Thanks to all who have replied, I value your help a lot.

[prytania3]

Who wants to call it?

[bourbonrose]

Surely there's a shelter for abuse victims where you live.  CALL them.  They will have a counselor who can meet with you and help.  They will have counseling and group therapy, and these will help you answer the questions you're asking here.  You don't know yet how much good this can do.

Please, please call the shelter.

[prytania3]

Surely there's a shelter for abuse victims where you live.  CALL them.  They will have a counselor who can meet with you and help.  They will have counseling and group therapy, and these will help you answer the questions you're asking here.  You don't know yet how much good this can do.

Please, please call the shelter.

It's hard to get phone reception under a bridge.

[prytania3]

Even with Verizon.

[infopri]

Dump your boyfriend now.  You're not responsible for anything in his life. He's been physically violent. Dump him. You can't "try" to dump someone.  Either you do or you don't.  Just dump him.  It's that simple. If he doesn't take the dump, tell him to stay away.  If he doesn't, call the police.

This.  And bourbonrose is right about calling a shelter, or a domestic abuse hotline.  Those folks hear stories like yours every day.  They know how to help.  And what larryc wrote also bears repeating:

I have been trying to break up with my boyfriend since early this year but he was finishing his dissertation. I felt leaving him at that stage would not be a good idea since it would adversely impact his writing.

So what? He is an adult and responsible for his own actions. He can write or not, his call and his problem.

Whether he writes or not is not on your shoulders--no matter what he tells you.  It's not.  You are not responsible for what he does or doesn't do, or what he (claims he) can or cannot do.  There will always be a reason why it's (supposedly) not a good time to leave.  It's all B.S.  Just leave.  Tell him it's over, and go.

As for the other friend, as I said earlier, maybe his feelings are hurt.  Maybe he's trying to give you space.  Whatever is going on, it's unrelated to your need to leave your boyfriend.

You say that you're "too scared of being lonely in an alien country"--but trust me, you are much better off without this man, even if it means being alone.  No one should ever have to put with violence.