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[elsie]

It struck me that it would be helpful to have a thread about living alone without family nearby. Every so often issues pop up, and I wonder how other people cope with them.

- You have to have surgery, and because of anesthesia, you have to have someone stay with you for 24 hours. You end up asking friends, knowing that they have families of their own to take care of and you hate imposing on them.

- The registration form at the local gym asks for an emergency contact, and geographically your closest relative is 80 and lives 300 miles away. Do you ask a friend to serve as local contact? Can they even do that legally?

- You get the flu and spend the next several days in bed, feeling sorry for yourself over no one to baby you.

- You need take care of errands or wait for a repair person, keeping you from going to work.

- Drives home to family mean not having anyone to share the driving, which takes a physical toll. (I think about this one a lot, because flying there means connections that end up taking as long as the drive.)

Sometimes I feel sorry for myself, but I'm not actually thinking that way tonight. Instead I'm thinking about whether I should ask someone locally to be a point of contact in case something happens to me, someone who would have the necessary phone numbers and email addresses to contact my relatives if something happens. I'm also thinking about whether to change my bank, and it would help to have someone else involved in making the decision, not just making it by myself.

[scampster]

Elsie, having a couple of close nearby single female friends has been vital to me for these things. We do these things for each other. We drive each other to the hospital. I list them as emergency contacts (since I consider that person to be the "who do I want to see by my bedside when I regain consciousness?" person - sure family would be nice, but they are 3000 miles away so they can't get there quickly). They bring me smoothies when I am sick. The last two I just suck up. Maybe you have no single friends, but if you do, I bet they would be relieved if you brought some of these things up with them because they want an emergency contact nearby as well.

[elsie]

My closest single friend has a daughter now in college but lives at home. She has done the post-surgery stayover for me on occasion. I don't know of anyone who is also living alone. Everyone else I know is either partnered or has children, or both.

[scampster]

My closest single friend has a daughter now in college but lives at home. She has done the post-surgery stayover for me on occasion. I don't know of anyone who is also living alone. Everyone else I know is either partnered or has children, or both.

I can see why having children would interfere with being able to be there for things like this, but your partnered friends are probably willing to help. I think for many of us, we have friends who would be glad to help, but we hesitate to ask because we don't want to burden them or are stopped by pride, but that's what friends are for! (cue Dionne Warwick)

[elsie]

Yes, that feeling of "if I have to ask, then I'm imposing by definition."

[grasshopper]

I'm with you on most of those things being a hassle, but I tell you, the last time I was puking out my insides, I was grateful to be living alone.

What gets me the most, though, is the tremendous financial burden of being single. I was looking at housing costs, and although I *might* be able to get a small mortgage on my single person's salary, it would be so tight that there wouldn't be any wiggle room. If I were partnered, I could have both a house AND a retirement plan. Now wouldn't that be just dreamy?

[paddington_bear]

I love the idea of this thread!

I haven't had to have surgery, but I have been under sedation quite a few times. Once I had a friend drive me to and from the hospital. The other times I've taken a cab. My problem, apart from living alone, is that I'm the type of person who hates to inconvenience people. (And I'd somehow feel obligated to tell the person why I need to go to the hospital - for colonoscopies.)  So I hate asking friends for things like this. Although friends ask me to take them to or pick them up from the airport, and they wouldn't turn down the chance to return the favor, I'm sure.

My emergency contact is either my mother, who lives across the country, so that's not very practical, I'm sure. I think that on some forms I've also put the name of the department secretary, She's not "family," but she's more than a co-worker. But that's probably not the best idea either. (And I always think that she'd be the first person to realize that I was hurt, dead, or missing, if I didn't show up to work. How pathetic is that? That the first person who'd worry where I was is the department secretary?)

I frequently have conversations with my single or non-parent friends/colleagues about how, while our department is so supportive of people with childcare needs - bringing over food for new parents, etc. - we're less giving of other kinds of support that people without kids and who are single would need. Bringing food to someone who's sick, for example. (However, about 9 years ago I broke my foot, and one person - whom I didn't even know that well - stopped by and asked if she could run to the store, or do laundry, or anything, for me.)  I think that because getting married or having a kid is such a public event, it's easier for people to offer unsolicited help. There's the impression, maybe, that single people who want similar attention or help are just being pathetic. (Or maybe I'm just projecting my own feelings of pathetic-ness.)  I think I also resent the fact that I would *have* to let people know that I need help, while other people just seem to get it without asking.

Living alone, while it has its perks, sucks too.

[wet_blanket]

I've never put much thought into the emergency contact thing.  I just choose whichever friend's phone number or address I can find first.  I guess I figure that most people are willing to help out at least a little in a genuine emergency.

Some of the issues identified aren't living alone issues so much as they're being single issues.  For example, roommates wouldn't solve some of those problems, while a non-live-in SO might.

[elsie]

Yes, the "who would notice if I were dead" issue. Again, a question that makes a person feel pathetic but is also a practical issue Who would raise the alarm if they hadn't heard from me or if I didn't show up to teach? Not only who would be concerned, but also who would be in a position to notice that I wasn't at work?

So one issue to think about is whether or not you've given someone a key to the house so that if you were incapacitated, someone could get into help you or let the EMS in.

Oh, and another issue: finding someone to pick up your mail or take care of pets while you're traveling. Is there somebody who would know how to call you if there was a fire or break-in while you're gone?

[grasshopper]

But, you know, a lot of this is stuff that everyone has to take care of, single or not. Two working adults have to adjust work schedules to accommodate cable installation, too, right? Couples also need to figure out pet care and mail pick-up when they go away.

Here are the practicalities I see that are particular to living alone:

I can pick my nose ANYWHERE and at ANY TIME.

If I want to stay up reading in bed until 3AM, I can. If I want to crash at 8:30, that's cool, too. The only one complaining is the cat.

My time and my space - two things that are very precious to me - are my own. I love that.

The only thing that gets me are the additional costs. It would be great to have someone kicking in on those. But only if they gave me the money and then went away.

It's not just regular housing and food costs, of course. If I get sick and need care, I'm going to have to hire a nurse, for instance. But I guess those kinds of emergencies can happen to anyone, single or not.

[erictho]

I once came down with a nasty bout of Something Nasty (maybe food poisoning?) when I was living alone, and was desperate for toast / crackers and ginger ale and of course had none in the house and couldn't leave the house to get any. I had good friends just a few blocks away but didn't call them for help (because that would be imposing!). My friends were a bit put out when they found out this out.

The point being, if you need help and you have friends, you should ask them for that help. That's why they're your friends. If you would be willing to take provisions to a sick friend, you shouldn't be afraid to ask your friends for help when you're sick. Misplaced pride is silly.

[miss_jane_marple]

I have lived alone for over a decade, and when I say alone, I mean I can count on one hand the number of times anyone else spent the night in my house. Where I currently live, still alone, my closest relatives are over 1500 miles away. While I have had casual friends over the years, they are "work friends" and "shared-hobby friends" that I would hesitate to call on for very personal stuff.

I have found that having a bit of financial flexibility helps enormously in these situations. For example, when I had to go to the outpatient center for a procedure that required anesthesia, I called a home health agency and hired a very nice woman to drive me to the center, wait for me, and take me home. Had I needed it, she would have spent some time with me at home, but I was fine by the time the anesthetic wore off. For pets and mail, I highly recommend hiring a pet-sitting service to come in. They will do things like bring in the mail and newspaper, turn lights on or off, open and close curtains, etc. to keep the place from looking so much like it's not occupied. They also provide reliable pet care (I would not do this for a dog -- I believe in boarding dogs so they can have company and be watched) and know when to get the animal to a vet and/or call you for instructions.

One other thing I do is wear a Medic-Alert medallion AT ALL TIMES. The company has the contact numbers for someone in the local area (who has agreed to go to my house and take my pets to be boarded in the event I am incapacitated) and also my family members out of state.

In these days of social networking, if I didn't have a job where they expect to see me every morning and a hobby that involves seeing the same folks every weekend day, I would consider making a plan with someone I'm in contact with through Twitter or Facebook or email that if they don't hear from me by 10 AM or 10 PM each day, they should call me. In fact, it might be fun if a bunch of living-alone folks got a group together and checked in twice a day.  

[elsie]

That's a really good idea about using Facebook or Twitter as a check-in system.

[alto_stratus]

I'm with you on most of those things being a hassle, but I tell you, the last time I was puking out my insides, I was grateful to be living alone. 

Seconding. 

The cupboard should always have:  chicken broth, crackers to settle an upset stomach, non-caff tea, honey, apple juice, tapioca pudding, and something to put in a hot toddy.  In flu season, keep some pre-made jello in the fridge.

Also seconding miss_jane_marple's idea of saving a little money to pay people to help you out with any things you can't handle on your own (moving, being sick, pet care, etc).  Don't feel pathetic about doing that--those people are happy to make some money.  And not everyone has friends/family who can fill every need/gap, so plenty of people have to pay for outside help with things from time to time.

I never though ICE had to be a relative.  I sometimes put down friends, sometimes relatives.  I have one friend who has a list of everything she might need to know or everyone she might need to contact on my behalf in case of an emergency.

[mystictechgal]

Thanks, Elsie. These are things I've been struggling with a bit these past few years. Until now I've never really lived "alone". I went from my father's house to college, came back and lived on my own, but he was close-by. Got married at 17, divorced at 24, and both my father and almost all of my husband's family was close (mine is dispersed, and much older). I don't have kids, I have pets. I have no idea what would happen to them if I died--not just dispersal if my death was noticed (I assume someone would notice if I didn't turn up for some things for awhile), but what if some time took place in the meantime. They can eat me. I don't care and, after death won't notice, but it's unlikely that most of them could get to me to eat me, and if they did I expect their adoption possibilities would likely decrease.

I have friends here, and even after I move due to the foreclosure they'll still be around in the general area, but if I finish my degree(s) and move elsewhere for the PhD, that won't be likely the case. And, frankly, a part of me wouldn't at all mind moving entirely somewhere else, even out of the country, before/after the foreclosure and before finishing my degree. My grades would get me admitted as a transfer just about anywhere, I think. But, I would be leaving behind any kind of cobbled together support network I have. That's a level of scary I'm, um, scared of.

I honestly never had to consider being totally alone before. It just wasn't something that happened in my world. But, it has, and I do have to consider it. I will be reading avidly.