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[tantalos]

Hi everyone,

I've always been a worrier but things spiraled out of control this summer: a traumatic experience triggered a crisis that (unfortunately) became very obvious to my colleagues. Their attitude towards me has changed considerably and I am not sure how to emend the situation. I am seeking help and I'm willing to get some medication, but I fear that I've already damaged my tenure prospects significantly by exposing how insecure and screwed-up I am. Any advice? Thoughts?

Thanks!

[lizzy]

How much time do you have before you go up? If you have lots of time, you can demonstrate to your colleagues that your crisis was a one-time thing through your (hopefully) strong job performance.

If you are going up soon, probably quite a bit depends on the record you established before the crisis and your ability to put together a strong application package.

Beyond that, you might be misreading your colleagues' attitudes. You can't know what they're thinking (and I doubt they're all thinking the same thing). Do you have a friend or a colleague you trust? Perhaps you could approach that person and make it clear that you're doing everything you can to get past the crisis and move on.

Many academics are insecure and screwed up in some way, Tantalos. Your colleagues might be more understanding than you think.

Hope it all works out for you.

[oatmeal]

OP--Sorry to hear this. Without giving away your identity, what happened? Are you over analyzing the situation? Maybe everything is fine? Good luck.

[tantalos]

Thanks so much for your responses.

Lizzy, I've only been on this job for a year but I'm up for my first review in a few months.
Oatmeal, I wish you were right but I seriously doubt it...

[msparticularity]

Tantalos, the fact that you have a few months before your first review really will make a difference. You still have a chance to demonstrate clearly that yes, you may struggle during a crisis, but that you are capable and resilient. It really is all about how we recover from stuff, you know--because sooner or later sh!t happens to everyone and carefully-nurtured pretenses and defenses fall apart.

[tantalos]

You are right, msparticularity. I should focus on the future, not on the past.

[macaroon]

Deep breath - it might not be as bad as you think. 

Just a story - I remember a while back there was a funny thread on the "Tenure Track" forum here where people were suggesting squares for "Faculty Meeting Bingo".   Some examples were "Chair is 15 minutes late"  and "Brings up how it was done at Harvard".  One of the squares was "Pretenure Faculty Member Massive Public Freakout".  Yeah, it happens.  It may have happened to your colleagues back in the day as well.

Check this link about distorted thinking - reviewing these often help me when I feel terrible.  http://access.ewu.edu/CAPS/SelfHelp/StressManage/DistortThink.xml
This link is mediocre,  but I like the descriptions better:
http://ezinearticles.com/?Are-Your-Distorted-Thoughts-Or-All-Or-Nothing-Thinking-Causing-Depression-and-Anxiety?&id=856178


What really sucks is that your doctor is going to try to put you on an SSRI rather than give you what we really need - benzodiazepams. 

[niceday]

Also, remember it is your final review that matters. You have many, many years to prove yourself. Everyone has hiccups, including your colleagues. Try to relax and enjoy your job. Congratulations on being on the tenure track!

[caesura]

I know a colleague who had a pre-tenure psychotic break, was hospitalized, and took either a semester or an entire year off (I forget which).  She went on to get tenure.  If your crisis was an exeptional event and not your usual behavior, I don't think you have a long-term problem.

Without knowing what form of public display the crisis took, it's hard to advise if you need to do something to mitigate it.  Started crying in public?  Forget about it; just don't do it again.  Insulted a senior colleague?  Take him or her to coffee and apologize, explain that you were under a great deal of stress at the time, and ask for a fresh start.  If you have a good relationship with your chair, you might discuss the situation with him or her, expressing your concern that the event seems to have affected your relationships in the department.

The main thing is to figure out what you need to keep it from happening again.  Are you receiving therapy of some kind for anxiety and/or the traumatic experience?

[msparticularity]

I was thinking, starting screaming obscenities in a large college/university meeting and/or set fire to someone's office? In which case I'm wondering whether you take on contract work? :)

[tantalos]

LOL--sorry to disappoint, msparticularilty. Nothing so dramatic. I shared generously some paranoid thoughts that reflected really poorly on me.

One of the factors that make my anxiety so much worse is that I am surrounded (and judged) by senior colleagues with fantastic memories. Sometimes I feel like a student--I'm still building up my expertise and, given my rather poor memory, I'm sure I come across as ignorant most of the times... All this can't be good...

[tantalos]

Thanks for the links, macaroon.

[macaroon]

LOL--sorry to disappoint, msparticularilty. Nothing so dramatic. I shared generously some paranoid thoughts that reflected really poorly on me.

I did that too.  Fortunately, my trusted senior colleague started laughing, went to the departmental fridge, produced a beer for me, and told me to go back to my office and read "Damn you Autocorrect" for a half hour.

One of the factors that make my anxiety so much worse is that I am surrounded (and judged) by senior colleagues with fantastic memories. Sometimes I feel like a student--I'm still building up my expertise and, given my rather poor memory, I'm sure I come across as ignorant most of the times... All this can't be good...

I think this is normal, or at least, normal to feel this way.

[tantalos]

Macaroon, unfortunately I said too much to all sorts of audiences. I was out of my mind...
I wish someone had reminded me that the tenure-track is a 5-year long interview.

[macaroon]

Macaroon, unfortunately I said too much to all sorts of audiences. I was out of my mind...
I wish someone had reminded me that the tenure-track is a 5-year long interview.

Yeah, but all you did was "say things".  You didn't, for example, urinate on anyone's door (or did you? is this you?)
http://www.ktla.com/news/landing/ktla-cal-state-northridge-professor-pees-on-door,0,7516367.story

Or go joy riding in an ambulance:
http://www.dailytarheel.com/index.php/article/2011/04/unc_professor_arrested_charged_with_stealing_ambulance

It's crazy making, the tenure track, it really is. You got paranoid and had some "distorted thinking", and now, you're "catastrophizing" and "focusing on the negative", while "dismissing the positive".  You also sound like you're trapped in "black and white" thinking.  I hope you can break out of this, but the first step out of the bad thought patters is recognizing that you are in these bad thought patterns in the first place. And yeah, it might be over for you.  However, it might not be, and part of salvaging your career and your sanity HAS to be breaking out of the distorted thinking trap.

When I was a postdoc, I often had lunch with a young faculty member (who now has tenure) and heard all sorts of this crazy stuff come out of his mouth.  Now I have the same thoughts in my own head, too.  Even if they are accurate, they are completely unhelpful.