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[britmom]

The only point of this post is to whinge (and/or vent)....My recovery from depression (originally post-partum depression) took a massive step back a few weeks ago. It's been sh!t. I won't go into all the sordid details, but suffice to say that it was decided I had to be hospitalized for my own safety. It was a case that I went in voluntarily, or I would be sectioned. Thankfully, I only needed to be in for a few days.  It was OK. It gave me a break away from everything and enough space to bounce back to something nearing normality. But I'm left with memories of the other people who were in there. One woman had been in there for weeks and was clearly very, very depressed. I just feel so sorry for her and a few others that I met. One afternoon I heard screaming and someone saying they had requested ECT. The staff were lovely, but the building was hardly a place to encourage a recovery from depression. Urgh, I suppose I feel a bit traumatized by it all.  Is that self-indulgent?

Actually, whilst I'm being self-indulgent...I'm absolutely p!ssed off that this depression is still affecting my life. I take a ton of pills every day. It's been 15 freaking months. My poor husband is shattered. He had to deal with police (along with a police dog) knocking on his door. He's been caring for both girls on his own, along with getting in to work. He's a saint, but I can see that this is killing him.

And I'm now ridiculously behind with work. I needed to get a first draft of an article written by the end of the summer. I've lost a good month of summer (teaching-free) work to this whole episode. I'm only just beginning to feel better, but I'm panicking about sorting everything out for when teaching starts next month. And I've got such a busy semester because I stupidly thought I'd be able to get on with my life and finally re-build my career.

I hope that none of this is TMI. I'd normally vent to a couple of very good friends at work, but I'm currently signed off sick and they're out of town doing research anyway. I can't whinge to my husband about work as he, quite understandably, feels that I shouldn't even be thinking about it. It's not that easy, though.

Hmm, I'm not sure where all of that came from...it feels good to have got it out.

[neutralname]

Psychiatric wards are difficult places to be.  I've spent a little time on them as an observer, and it is hard work to be surrounded by people who are so unhappy and whose lives are so difficult.  Being around people who are self-harming or suicidal is especially draining.  People with mania and delusions can also be hard to be around for an extended time.  So the whole practice of putting people who are feeling bad among other people who are feeling bad doesn't seem like a great idea.  My sense was, however, that often people with major mental disorders were so preoccupied with their own lives that they didn't notice other people on the ward so much, and if they got healthy enough to start noticing, then it was time for them to be discharged.

My mother was hospitalized for 3 months in the late 1960s, and she still dreads the prospect of having to go back to a psychiatric ward.  Ironically, it is one of the things that keeps her motivated to work on her own mental health. 

So Britmom, no, you are not being self-indulgent.  I can easily understand your feelings of being traumatized.  I hope you start to feel like the whole episode is behind you.

[theblondeassassin]

The only point of this post is to whinge (and/or vent)....My recovery from depression (originally post-partum depression) took a massive step back a few weeks ago. It's been sh!t. I won't go into all the sordid details, but suffice to say that it was decided I had to be hospitalized for my own safety. It was a case that I went in voluntarily, or I would be sectioned. Thankfully, I only needed to be in for a few days.  It was OK. It gave me a break away from everything and enough space to bounce back to something nearing normality. But I'm left with memories of the other people who were in there. One woman had been in there for weeks and was clearly very, very depressed. I just feel so sorry for her and a few others that I met. One afternoon I heard screaming and someone saying they had requested ECT. The staff were lovely, but the building was hardly a place to encourage a recovery from depression. Urgh, I suppose I feel a bit traumatized by it all.  Is that self-indulgent?

Actually, whilst I'm being self-indulgent...I'm absolutely p!ssed off that this depression is still affecting my life. I take a ton of pills every day. It's been 15 freaking months. My poor husband is shattered. He had to deal with police (along with a police dog) knocking on his door. He's been caring for both girls on his own, along with getting in to work. He's a saint, but I can see that this is killing him.

And I'm now ridiculously behind with work. I needed to get a first draft of an article written by the end of the summer. I've lost a good month of summer (teaching-free) work to this whole episode. I'm only just beginning to feel better, but I'm panicking about sorting everything out for when teaching starts next month. And I've got such a busy semester because I stupidly thought I'd be able to get on with my life and finally re-build my career.

I hope that none of this is TMI. I'd normally vent to a couple of very good friends at work, but I'm currently signed off sick and they're out of town doing research anyway. I can't whinge to my husband about work as he, quite understandably, feels that I shouldn't even be thinking about it. It's not that easy, though.

Hmm, I'm not sure where all of that came from...it feels good to have got it out.

This doesn't sound like whingeing, britmom -- quite the opposite!

In addition to neutralname's advice, I'd suggest you consider getting signed off until Christmas at least. Work can wait; your health and family can't.

If you put this in action now, you will be letting down people minimally, compared with needing to get signed off before the end of the module and examining period, which is a long way away. See if you can get rid of the teaching, if nothing else, as it takes a lot of physical and mental energy.

And I know lots of people who've been signed off ill for a term or even a year, and after a couple of years no one even remembers that they were off, let alone cares.

[britmom]

Thanks, neutralname and theblondeassassin.

In addition to neutralname's advice, I'd suggest you consider getting signed off until Christmas at least. Work can wait; your health and family can't.

If you put this in action now, you will be letting down people minimally, compared with needing to get signed off before the end of the module and examining period, which is a long way away. See if you can get rid of the teaching, if nothing else, as it takes a lot of physical and mental energy.

And I know lots of people who've been signed off ill for a term or even a year, and after a couple of years no one even remembers that they were off, let alone cares.

This is a big dilemma for me. I'm not worrying too much about letting people down. My colleagues are lovely, supportive people. My concern is that work is (generally) good for me. I think part of the reason I plummeted in to depression after britbaby #2 was the social isolation of being on maternity leave. I'm worried that being off work would actually hamper my recovery. However, you're right, of course, that teaching takes a lot of physical and mental energy. I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. An ideal situation would be going back part time, but that wouldn't work financially. I can take sick leave on full pay for 6 months and 6 months on half pay each year. Being signed off from work completely, therefore, would be fine. However, if I go back part-time, I will have to take that time off as unpaid. We just can't afford that. (For anyone who's familiar with the British system, there's also the fact that getting signed off would come into the equation for research productivity for the REF.) I'm really lost on this one. I know I couldn't go in to work and teach right now. I just want to hide away from the world.

[zarathustra]

Glad to have you back, Britmom!  Being pissed about the lingering depression is probably a good thing, right? As opposed to apathy? 

I think going back to work will probably work out if you can not let the worry get to you (which is the trick with everything, it seems).

[scotia]

Thanks, neutralname and theblondeassassin.

In addition to neutralname's advice, I'd suggest you consider getting signed off until Christmas at least. Work can wait; your health and family can't.

If you put this in action now, you will be letting down people minimally, compared with needing to get signed off before the end of the module and examining period, which is a long way away. See if you can get rid of the teaching, if nothing else, as it takes a lot of physical and mental energy.

And I know lots of people who've been signed off ill for a term or even a year, and after a couple of years no one even remembers that they were off, let alone cares.

This is a big dilemma for me. I'm not worrying too much about letting people down. My colleagues are lovely, supportive people. My concern is that work is (generally) good for me. I think part of the reason I plummeted in to depression after britbaby #2 was the social isolation of being on maternity leave. I'm worried that being off work would actually hamper my recovery. However, you're right, of course, that teaching takes a lot of physical and mental energy. I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. An ideal situation would be going back part time, but that wouldn't work financially. I can take sick leave on full pay for 6 months and 6 months on half pay each year. Being signed off from work completely, therefore, would be fine. However, if I go back part-time, I will have to take that time off as unpaid. We just can't afford that. (For anyone who's familiar with the British system, there's also the fact that getting signed off would come into the equation for research productivity for the REF.) I'm really lost on this one. I know I couldn't go in to work and teach right now. I just want to hide away from the world.

Can you talk to someone in Occupational Health at your U? Apart from anything else, you may need to talk with them before you are allowed to return to work after a few weeks absence. At a former U I was pole-axed by a virus for several months and when my GP eventually bowed to my requests to get back to work before I died of boredom (have you seen UK daytime TV?) it was Occupational Health who decided I should return part-time (though on full-time pay) while my strength returned. They had a phased return-to-work scheme after periods of long illness.

In my case, going back to do some teaching was important - and what my department desperately needed - but I had a reduced load for the remainder of the semester. Research was not easy because the virus affected my sight so teaching, although in many ways more demanding, was easier for me.

[theblondeassassin]

I can see the danger of being isolated, but would it be possible to go on leave and have some sort of daily organised social contact -- e.g., mother-baby group, exercise class, therapy, volunteer work -- rather than work-work, which often tends to be isolating anyway?

The research showing that exercise is good for depression seems plausible, and from personal experience over-working leads to exhaustion, which leads to depression if severe enough.

You could then take on the phased return as per scotia, but in fighting shape.

[britmom]

Scotia: you're right. I'd forgotten that I went back on a phased return when I went back to work after the initial phase of depression. However, my U only allows that to take place over a 6 week period. Any further reduction in work load requires you to either use annual leave or take it unpaid. (The initial 6 week period finished at the beginning of the semester so I used a combination of leave/unpaid time to go down to a 4 day week from January to March, when teaching finished. There's just no way that we could afford that again, however.)

I can see the danger of being isolated, but would it be possible to go on leave and have some sort of daily organised social contact -- e.g., mother-baby group, exercise class, therapy, volunteer work -- rather than work-work, which often tends to be isolating anyway?

Deep down, I know this is the best thing to do. BUT I just can't help but feel I'm being whiny and pathetic. I have some days when I feel fairly well, and think I would cope at work, but they're few and far between. It's easy for me to think that, if only I tried harder, I'd have more of those days. I guess that's the depression talking, but it's very hard for me to believe that there's anything wrong. I'm just being a great big drama-queen. It just seems so self-indulgent to take time off when there are times when I'm fine.

Anyway, to answer your question. Yes, I could probably manage to structure my time around other things - especially exercise.

I need to figure out how to disengage myself from work. I just don't know how to do that. Even when I'm on vacation, work's going on in the back of my mind. I know this is a challenge for many (most?) academics. I suspect I'll never truly get better unless I can give my head a break.

Finally, Scotia: Jeremy Kyle? Heir Hunters? Such fine daytime TV....perhaps that's what sent me mad in the first place.

[neutralname]

I tend to obsess over work, and others are rather struck by the fact that I nearly always have a laptop or notebook with me or within reach.  I wake in the middle of the night and check my email. 

Definitely getting enough restful sleep is essential to mental health.  So if your work is interfering with rest, that's a problem.  But many people are completely wrapped up in their work and are doing very well.  So I don't see an intense preoccupation with work as necessarily bad. 

It's also important to maintain close relationships with loved ones -- if work makes it impossible to sit down and talk about what's going on, and also to hear how they are dong, then it's a problem.  Although some people seem to be able to sustain closeness even when one or both people are very much preoccupied by work.  Not a good long term strategy though. 

It does sound like you are in the habit of being hard on yourself; and that likely makes life more difficult for you.  Hopefully you have some plans to work on breaking that habit. 

[msparticularity]

Britmom, I don't know whether this is as common in the UK as it is in some parts of the US, but is a support group and/or group therapy a possibility for you? While being surrounded by people who are in crisis and are inpatients is pretty crazy-making, ongoing support from others like one's self can be a life-saver. I had never thought of myself as a support-group type of a person, but my therapist a number of years ago started me in group therapy and pushed me into a support group as well, and I found the relief incredible. Just knowing that I was not the only one struggling with all of the stresses of depression/anxiety, guilt over what I should be accomplishing, and so on was very helpful. It also gave me others to vent to and decompress with, which I think is terribly important when we're trying to avoid burdening a spouse further.

[britmom]

Britmom, I don't know whether this is as common in the UK as it is in some parts of the US, but is a support group and/or group therapy a possibility for you? While being surrounded by people who are in crisis and are inpatients is pretty crazy-making, ongoing support from others like one's self can be a life-saver. I had never thought of myself as a support-group type of a person, but my therapist a number of years ago started me in group therapy and pushed me into a support group as well, and I found the relief incredible. Just knowing that I was not the only one struggling with all of the stresses of depression/anxiety, guilt over what I should be accomplishing, and so on was very helpful. It also gave me others to vent to and decompress with, which I think is terribly important when we're trying to avoid burdening a spouse further.

I know there's a support group for bipolar sufferers, but I'm not aware of any others. I've not asked about such things - there may be more. I currently have the of an Acute Response Team, who visit or phone me every day. They're keeping a close eye on me as I've had some symptoms of psychosis over the last few weeks. They're helpful, and can come out as and when I need them. They're very good about just sitting on my sofa and letting me cry/complain when I need it. They consult with the psychologist and psychiatrist regularly, and have also supplied extra medication when it's needed. You're right, though, it's not the same as having others in the same situation to vent to. I have a good friend who suffers from depression that I can speak to, but she's all the way down in London.

I'm just caught in a cycle of panicking over what to do with work. How much time off is reasonable in this situation? I know there's no one-answer-fits-all, but I'm stuck wondering what's reasonable.

[theblondeassassin]

I know there's a support group for bipolar sufferers, but I'm not aware of any others. I've not asked about such things - there may be more. I currently have the of an Acute Response Team, who visit or phone me every day. They're keeping a close eye on me as I've had some symptoms of psychosis over the last few weeks. They're helpful, and can come out as and when I need them. They're very good about just sitting on my sofa and letting me cry/complain when I need it. They consult with the psychologist and psychiatrist regularly, and have also supplied extra medication when it's needed. You're right, though, it's not the same as having others in the same situation to vent to. I have a good friend who suffers from depression that I can speak to, but she's all the way down in London.

I'm just caught in a cycle of panicking over what to do with work. How much time off is reasonable in this situation? I know there's no one-answer-fits-all, but I'm stuck wondering what's reasonable.

Try MIND (mind.org.uk), the Samaritans (email or phone samaritans.org), your university Nightline, and/or your local hospital for community-based support services. Depression Alliance UK has information about local self-help groups (depressionalliance.org). Your local council might have a useful web page, too.

As neutralname suggested, occupational health may be able to assess you or refer you on to specialist services that have experience with similar cases, and can suggest a starting point for time off.

[testingthewaters]

Britmom, I'm really sorry you are dealing with this. I remember your thread from a few weeks ago about being so tired, and the suspicion you had that your depression might be catching up with you. It has a way of doing that, which is very frustrating.

As for work, indeed, there is not going to be a "one size fits all" solution here. You have to figure out what fits you. I will say, though, from my experience after having gone through a period where I had to take off work due to extreme family circumstances draining me and putting me at the edge: I found it was better to err on the side of taking too much time rather than too little. That helps ensure that when you get back, you're really back. There's nothing more frustrating than returning and leaving again very quickly because it was just too soon.

Working part-time didn't work out for me, for a number of reasons. First off, as wonderful as my colleagues are, once I had been physically present for a while, people just assumed I was back (consciously or not) and I found it a huge PITA to have to remind people that no, I can't take on that task, because I'm only working 50%. I was promptly back to working full-steam when I really shouldn't have been. Second, I found it really difficult to be at work and sit and watch while others covered my classes and picked up my slack. It's the Presbyterian in me- can't have others doing work I could be doing. For me, really being out of the office 100% was a better option.

I hope you're able to figure this out. There have been a lot of good suggestions in terms of finding help, either from a support group or your Occupational Health people.

[scotia]

I'm just caught in a cycle of panicking over what to do with work. How much time off is reasonable in this situation? I know there's no one-answer-fits-all, but I'm stuck wondering what's reasonable.

I am with testing on this. What is reasonable is what you need. If it is possible to predict, I would rather someone came back with a higher likelihood of remaining fit and healthy than that they came back prematurely and had to take more sick leave soon after returning. (Of course there are no certainties in life, but I much prefer higher probabilities).

Finally, Scotia: Jeremy Kyle? Heir Hunters? Such fine daytime TV....perhaps that's what sent me mad in the first place.

I remember one day thinking that I was sick of Miss Marple reruns, and then thinking I must be starting to improve if I had the energy to be sick of Miss Marple reruns. Morning TV - fortunately - largely passed me by, but what little I saw convinced me that I would rather work for a living.

[britmom]

Try MIND (mind.org.uk), the Samaritans (email or phone samaritans.org), your university Nightline, and/or your local hospital for community-based support services. Depression Alliance UK has information about local self-help groups (depressionalliance.org). Your local council might have a useful web page, too.

As neutralname suggested, occupational health may be able to assess you or refer you on to specialist services that have experience with similar cases, and can suggest a starting point for time off.

Thanks. I've found a local support group, although it's not clear from the website how active it is. I might try contacting them if/when things improve a bit.

As for work, indeed, there is not going to be a "one size fits all" solution here. You have to figure out what fits you. I will say, though, from my experience after having gone through a period where I had to take off work due to extreme family circumstances draining me and putting me at the edge: I found it was better to err on the side of taking too much time rather than too little. That helps ensure that when you get back, you're really back. There's nothing more frustrating than returning and leaving again very quickly because it was just too soon.

You're right, of course. It's the new academic year looming that's making me panic.

I made contact with Oc Health this afternoon. Hopefully I'll be able to speak to someone soon. They were very helpful and supportive when I dealt with them before.