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Author Topic: I lost it.  (Read 8371 times)
incognito55
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« Reply #15 on: July 22, 2011, 09:47:43 AM »

Thank you for the helpful answers.  I will take the advice.

To those that thought there was something odd going on, the reality is that not everyone can "get up and move."  There is nothing strange or odd, it is just the reality of life.

1) I am in a field where less than 50 schools of higher education offer the area of study; predominately because it is all graduate education. 

2) I moved here with a significant other.  The area allowed both of us to have jobs.  Since arriving here, we broke up.  He moved and I stayed in the small condo.  The economy is such that I would never sell this condo without taking a HUGE loss.  I have no savings and would not be able to pay a mortgage and a rent at a new job.  Financially there is no way I could just move.

3)  My research focuses on community-based problems.  I had the community and had no idea how I would move my "work" since I had spent a great deal of time developing the community relationships.  It was as if my grants tied me to the area.

4) I have no family, so I have no safety-net.  I have no saving, so I have no safety-net. 

So, these are just a few of the reasons why I could not just move.  Additionally, I tried to remain positive hoping that things would get better, but they have declined.  Nothing odd, just life.

Thanks to all the positive and helpful responses. 
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euro_trash
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Just toxic enough to keep you on edge


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« Reply #16 on: July 22, 2011, 10:05:25 AM »

What are your chances at getting tenure?  When do you apply?  If we know this information, we can help you devise strategies.  
« Last Edit: July 22, 2011, 10:06:04 AM by euro_trash » Logged

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I hate to sound like euro-trash, but
lizardmom1
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« Reply #17 on: July 22, 2011, 10:56:56 AM »

Please, please, please get counseling. It is NOT a sign of weakness to seek help; it is a sign of strength. A good counselor/therapist can help you to sort out what is going on, help quiet your own fears, and give you a better sense of what you can/cannot do. It sounds like you are at a low point, and for good reason: you work in Hell.  It seems like you have limited safety nets; get a safety net now in the form of a good counselor/therapist. If you need help finding one, go to your regular physician and ask for recommendations. Then, make an appointment. If you don't feel like you "connect" within two sessions, find another one; sometimes it takes a while to find someone who is a match for you and your needs. No matter what lengths you must go to in order to see the therapist, it will be worth it. YOU are worth it.
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Lizardmom1

... been there, done that, and I don't even have a crummy t-shirt to show for my efforts....
madhatter
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Just killing time


« Reply #18 on: July 22, 2011, 11:07:45 AM »

2) I moved here with a significant other.  The area allowed both of us to have jobs.  Since arriving here, we broke up.  He moved and I stayed in the small condo.  The economy is such that I would never sell this condo without taking a HUGE loss.  I have no savings and would not be able to pay a mortgage and a rent at a new job.  Financially there is no way I could just move.

Getting out is not easy, for the reasons you list, but you still CAN try to get out. As for the mortgage, you can walk away (be foreclosed on) or negotiate a short sale with the bank. You'll take a hit on your credit score, but how happy does your credit score make you? When you feel bullied and isolated, do you hug your credit score for support?

You only live once. Don't waste it in misery.
« Last Edit: July 22, 2011, 11:08:11 AM by madhatter » Logged

"I may be an evil scientist, but it doesn't take a degree purchased from the Internet with your ex-wife's money to know how special and important you are to me." -- Dr. Doofenschmirtz
ruralguy
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« Reply #19 on: July 22, 2011, 11:21:23 AM »

I think you can approach this from various directions:

1. I think counseling can really help. It need not be long term stuff where you tell some analyst about your mother.
You can just meet with someone for a few months about cognitive/behaviorial modification.

2. if you can't move to another job, bring the job you want to yourself. Try to make the most of what autonomy you have to do what you like. I don't know what to say about bullies. They may always exist...or not.  Frankly, I'd let them get away with it once and then tell them privately that they had better stay the "f" away from you, or you'll give them everything you've got. I am not suggesting violence, but you should use every avenue available to you to put these folks down. Then, ignore them on a day to day basis, but record events,
and report the egregious ones. I don't know if anything will happen, but it might.  This happened at my school, and one bully was banned from every mentioning the other (bullied() faculty member by name in public, ever.  Sadly, the bullied faculty member is now bullying someone else :-(  Yikes.

3. Look for other work anyway. Perhaps if you find something you like, you can find a way to make it work

4. I would avoid foreclosure, bankrupcy, default and that sort of thing. I think collapsing finances can only serve a collapsing psyche badly.
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niceday
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« Reply #20 on: July 22, 2011, 12:41:05 PM »

Thank you for the helpful answers.  I will take the advice.

To those that thought there was something odd going on, the reality is that not everyone can "get up and move."  There is nothing strange or odd, it is just the reality of life.

1) I am in a field where less than 50 schools of higher education offer the area of study; predominately because it is all graduate education. 

2) I moved here with a significant other.  The area allowed both of us to have jobs.  Since arriving here, we broke up.  He moved and I stayed in the small condo.  The economy is such that I would never sell this condo without taking a HUGE loss.  I have no savings and would not be able to pay a mortgage and a rent at a new job.  Financially there is no way I could just move.

3)  My research focuses on community-based problems.  I had the community and had no idea how I would move my "work" since I had spent a great deal of time developing the community relationships.  It was as if my grants tied me to the area.

4) I have no family, so I have no safety-net.  I have no saving, so I have no safety-net. 

So, these are just a few of the reasons why I could not just move.  Additionally, I tried to remain positive hoping that things would get better, but they have declined.  Nothing odd, just life.

Thanks to all the positive and helpful responses. 

Incognito, #2 and #4 are excuses. You're underwater and can't afford to pay your mortgage. So, stop paying it. Save the money you'd pay to your mortgage till the bank forecloses or forces a short sale. Use the money saved to pay rent or finance a move.

You sound competitive, so #1 can be overcome.

#3, well concentrate on that. Apply for new jobs and rebuild your research once you move. I understand it's hard but it can be done.

Your deathbed thought won't be I'm so glad I continued to pay on that underwater mortgage for an extra decade.
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alleyoxenfree
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Countin' all these posts as publications


« Reply #21 on: July 22, 2011, 12:41:42 PM »

Get a phone that records and the next time an idiot starts in on you, record it.  You can even hold it up and say, "Could you speak more loudly for the camera, Dr. X?"

Get a therapy dog for the office - people have won court cases allowing them to have such dogs for stress and anxiety.  Make it a German Shepherd or a very protective Corgi or Maltese.
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polly_mer
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hiding out from my grading. Shhh!


« Reply #22 on: July 22, 2011, 01:13:25 PM »

OP, the brutal truth is that you may not have the option of staying where you are, regardless of how good the case is for staying put.

You mention being up for tenure.  Are you positive that you will get it?  After all, many snake pits have a reputation of running people through the grinder and then denying tenure to those who don't "fit".

Are you willing and capable of finding a non-profit where you are who will/can take you and your grants so that you can continue your community work?  That's another option for some people that makes sense to do as an alternative to either moving or betting big on staying at the current place.
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larryc
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« Reply #23 on: July 22, 2011, 05:55:57 PM »

Sometimes the correct response really is "fvck you, jackass." Best not to shout it, but no biggie if you do.

The real problem is your unwillingness to do anything about your situation. 
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mountainguy
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« Reply #24 on: July 22, 2011, 06:49:56 PM »

Watermarkup offers good advice, especially this:

Sticking it out in a department full of abusive psychopaths won't win you any awards. Just go.

Speaking as someone who is making an exit from a highly dysfunctional department, I now recognize that there were certain myths perpetuated as a way of discouraging people from leaving. In my (almost) former department, such myths included: trash-talking about how horrible things are at other programs, claiming that "things are about to change" without any real action, and selectively lying about problems to outsiders. In several cases--if not an outright majority--the people repeating the myths honestly believed them to be true. That may or may not be happening in the OP's case, but I would encourage the OP to be open to the possibility. Trust your intuition here and get out.
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anthroid
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« Reply #25 on: July 22, 2011, 10:07:45 PM »

Get out.  You will be more attractive as an untenured assistant professor on the market.  Start applying for every possible job NOW.  Tenure isn't going to do you much good in this situation.

What a horrible thing you're dealing with.  I agree that getting a counselor would be a good idea (your university probably has an Employee Assistance Program--you can get 3-4 sessions for free).  Stop worrying about the condo--either let the bank take it or rent it out to someone when you leave.  Given your track record of grants, you'll be quite movable and, I suspect, attractive to many places, even those that are not directly in your field.

And you will find another community.  I understand your sense of responsibility and attachment, but you have to look after yourself here.  Your situation is toxic.

Get out.
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mleok
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« Reply #26 on: July 22, 2011, 10:14:56 PM »

The fora has suggested I go on the market since I started this job, but I was determined to stay, get tenure, and then consider my options.

It sounds like you feel the need to prove to your bullies that you are accomplished enough to earn tenure even though you have a toxic department. This is plain silly, and means that you value the opinions of your detractors over your own interests. While you are clearly successful in your current department, imagine how much more successful you could be in a supportive environment?

Your best revenge is to lead a good life (elsewhere), and to remember the immortal words of Richard Feynman, "what do you care what other people think?"
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watermarkup
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« Reply #27 on: July 22, 2011, 11:06:10 PM »

If I might add one more point that comes to mind now:

It actually came as a relief when I found out that my contract at Northwest Armpit U wasn't being renewed, because it changed the problem I faced from one I didn't understand at all (how to deal with an abusive work environment) to one I understood exceedingly well: how to look for a new job. Instead of trying to figure out what made the psychopath down the hall tick, all I had to figure out was how to write a good cover letter, which I had a lot of practice in.

OP, what you need to find is a way to change your current incomprehensible problem into one that you understand. Maybe the job search isn't your thing, but it sounds like research and grant-writing is. If you take a step back, you'll see that you're highly mobile right now. #1: There's 49 other schools looking for someone like you! #2: You're footloose and fancy free! Contact a rental agency about managing your condo, and start daydreaming about the places you'll go. #4: No dependents = unlimited geographic mobility. You could pack up your furniture and be gone tomorrow. Apply for a good credit card to swing the moving expenses.

All that's left is #3. It's a research problem. And you excel at research.
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snowbound
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« Reply #28 on: July 23, 2011, 12:50:57 PM »

Watermark is so right about the advantage of being footloose and fancy free right now.  It is very odd that you gave your lack of a significant other as contributing factor for why you had to stay put!  The major, often-insurmountable reason that academics sometimes can't pull up stakes and move to someplace better is precisely those family relationships that you are free of: a spouse whose career is not transferable, children who would be heartbroken to be uprooted from their social lives and have their schooling disrupted, elderly parents who are dependent on you, and often all of the above.  Compared to that, losing money on a condo or having to re-buld community relationships in a new location are just not very convincing reasons for why you HAVE to stay at Hellhole U.     

NOW is the time to be looking to move.  You are in an best place possible (well, not geographically, but you now what I mean):  you are advanced assistant (associate is less transferable); you have not been denied tenure (if the bullies have some power, yes, this could conceivably happen); you have had several years of success in getting grants (which might possibly be followed by less successful years); you have a series of nice fresh publications (no guarantee that will continue, especially if work situation gets to you); you are unattached (you'll quite likely meet a significant other at some point and become less mobile); and you have not yet been driven over the edge to non-functional despair and desperation by your toxic environment (I sense, however, that that edge may be lurking on the horizon).

Listen to the fora.  Move.   
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tee_bee
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« Reply #29 on: July 26, 2011, 03:29:54 PM »

Wow, OP, this truly sucks, and I am sorry. I am very concerned by what the fancy psychologists call "suicidal ideation," which you suggest in your note. Aside from whatever advice (stay/go) you take, I hope you're getting whatever help you need for depression and suicidal ideation. Of course, not all suicidal thoughts lead to the act, but it sounds like having a good counselor would at least partially improve. I've had therapy a few times, and while it was never "perfect," it was a whole lot better than doing without.
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