youtoofred
New member
Posts: 15
|
 |
« on: March 25, 2011, 09:07:27 AM » |
|
Yesterday I met with a student at her request. I asked her what was on her mind. She stated their is tension between us that she didn't like.
My perception of the tension comes from two things. 1) Earlier in the semester she called the dean to inform him I had let class out early after a test - and that an exiting student still had a question for me. And 2) she's a talker.
My chair called me for a meeting as she says "every complaint is investigated." Just peach keen!
So anyways the student (in her 40's) - she told me - starts crying and states that all her other profs. and authority figures love her. She proceeds to tell me her life story which is full of hard knocks (according to her).
The chair and dean never got back to her "complaint" because the student called after hours and left a message and no name. Apparently she has figured out that I know she called and is trying to backpedal fearing it will affect her grade. My perception is that she is manipulative and I really haven't dealt with this in an adult student, and I don't know what's up her sleeve next. I 've been blindsided by her behaviour thus. Any comments, advice appreciated.
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
|
dellaroux
|
|
« Reply #1 on: March 25, 2011, 09:15:41 AM » |
|
Maintain your standards in the classroom, kid gloves with her in any conversations (avoid any more private ones, I'd guess) and document with emails, document in your own course records, document any meetings as a verbatim email to yourself, document.
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
Pax in terra choreagibus
Ballo non bello parare
How am I?: There are four levels: Alive, Alert, Awake & Functioning. Right now, I'm standing upright & moving forward.
We are gifted superfluously--the cosmos is more generous than we can ask or imagine.
|
|
|
|
shrek
|
|
« Reply #2 on: March 25, 2011, 09:19:19 AM » |
|
Did you ask her why SHE thought there was tension between you?
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
youtoofred
New member
Posts: 15
|
|
« Reply #3 on: March 26, 2011, 12:17:10 PM » |
|
No, I didn't ask that question. Dellaroux, thanks for the good advice. Much appreciated.
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
conjugate
Compulsive punster and insatiable reader, and
Member-Moderator
Distinguished Senior Member
Posts: 17,026
Tends to have warped sense of humor
|
|
« Reply #4 on: March 26, 2011, 01:21:05 PM » |
|
Another suggestion that I've seen on these fora: If the student says something potentially controversial to you in conversation, respond with an e-mail to her campus e-mail address noting explicitly your understanding of what was said. That's not for every conversation, of course; just for the ones for which a misunderstanding concerning grading policies, for instance, might be possible.
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
Unfortunately, I think conjugate gives good advice.
∀ε>0∃δ>0∋|x–a|<δ⇒|ƒ(x)-ƒ(a)|<ε |
|
|
torshi
Formerly DuchessofMalfi, formerly Kedves
Member
Posts: 206
|
|
« Reply #5 on: March 26, 2011, 05:06:33 PM » |
|
Deal with each tactic as it occurs but not before then, maintaining a bland and matter-of-fact professionalism as if people pull this kind of thing everyday (and some days it seems that way). After a generic comment such as, "You seem to be very stressed," try to get the conversation back to the course, what is her paper topic, and so on. I don't think anything good can come from talking about the interpersonal issue because that will increase her focus on how she thinks you feel about her, which she is mistaking as more important than her work.
Good luck with the student, and with your chair.
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
|
lizzy
|
|
« Reply #6 on: March 26, 2011, 05:20:50 PM » |
|
Maintain your standards in the classroom, kid gloves with her in any conversations (avoid any more private ones, I'd guess) and document with emails, document in your own course records, document any meetings as a verbatim email to yourself, document.
Yes. And if she wants to meet with you again, you might ask your chair or some other trusted colleague to be present. If she presents the same information about how everyone else loves her you might point out that you're not there to give her "love." You're there to convey course material and evaluate her mastery of that material. Period. |
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
I get cranky in the evenings.
|
|
|
torshi
Formerly DuchessofMalfi, formerly Kedves
Member
Posts: 206
|
|
« Reply #7 on: March 26, 2011, 05:31:41 PM » |
|
Maintain your standards in the classroom, kid gloves with her in any conversations (avoid any more private ones, I'd guess) and document with emails, document in your own course records, document any meetings as a verbatim email to yourself, document.
Yes. And if she wants to meet with you again, you might ask your chair or some other trusted colleague to be present. If she presents the same information about how everyone else loves her you might point out that you're not there to give her "love." You're there to convey course material and evaluate her mastery of that material. Period. My experience with this type of student is that candor is interpreted as hostility and leads to escalation. That's why I recommend blandness. But maybe I have just been unlucky. |
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
youtoofred
New member
Posts: 15
|
|
« Reply #8 on: March 28, 2011, 12:16:16 PM » |
|
Thanks for all the good insights and support. Sorry for your bad luck. If it wasn't for the collective wisdom and experience on these forums, my mental health would be at stake. Peace and happiness to all.
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
|
msparticularity
|
|
« Reply #9 on: March 29, 2011, 10:56:36 PM » |
|
Maintain your standards in the classroom, kid gloves with her in any conversations (avoid any more private ones, I'd guess) and document with emails, document in your own course records, document any meetings as a verbatim email to yourself, document.
Yes. And if she wants to meet with you again, you might ask your chair or some other trusted colleague to be present. If she presents the same information about how everyone else loves her you might point out that you're not there to give her "love." You're there to convey course material and evaluate her mastery of that material. Period. My experience with this type of student is that candor is interpreted as hostility and leads to escalation. That's why I recommend blandness. But maybe I have just been unlucky. I have had this experience also--and the fact that this student is focused upon a concern that the Op does not "love" her like everyone else points to her inability tolerate any kind of reality that her instructors might try to insert into the conversation. OP, be bland: do NOT try to get this one to face anything like reality; just protect yourself. |
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
"Once admit that the sole verifiable or fruitful object of knowledge is the particular set of changes that generate the object of study...and no intelligible question can be asked about what, by assumption, lies outside." John Dewey
"Be particular." Jill Conner Browne
|
|
|
|
fiona
|
|
« Reply #10 on: March 30, 2011, 11:24:29 PM » |
|
I had a needy student somewhat like this last semester, who was convinced I didn't like her and wanted to make an appointment to discuss our relationship, or something.
I told her to e-mail me with her concerns.
She never did.
I agree with the others who say to be bland and focused on the work. Don't get blindsided or sucked into emotional discussions. The students who want to do that are bored, needy, or troubled, and none of that is your business as their teacher.
The Fiona
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
The Fiona or perhaps La Fiona
Professor of Thread Killing, Fiork University
The Right Reverend Fiona, PhD, Bishop of the Fora
|
|
|
melba_frilkins
Doing laundry.
Member-Moderator
Distinguished Senior Member
Posts: 8,136
Doing laundry (still)
|
|
« Reply #11 on: April 01, 2011, 01:44:29 AM » |
|
I have the male version of the same student.
In an alternate plane of reality, this is what I would say to the student:
The tension you perceive is that I don't like you. And perhaps that you don't like me. But it's not my job as the instructor of this class to LIKE you. My only job is to teach the class as a whole and to be fair to each individual student. And that I will promise you; I will be more than fair in assessing your work. As a student in this class, it's not your job to be liked by me, nor is it required for you to like me, just do the coursework, learn the content, and get over your need to be more liked or more important than all of the other students who are also enrolled in the class.
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
sourapples
New member
Posts: 16
|
|
« Reply #12 on: April 07, 2011, 03:51:49 PM » |
|
You are not her friend, counselor, social worker or parent. Like a trusted colleague says, it is your job to teach content and the student's job to help you themselves learn by coming to class prepared, on time and alert. It sounds to me like this student is an attention seeker and that there is something else going on that has more to do with her than you.
I agree with the other posters. Document everything that is said and capture every written communication between you and her.
Unfortunately, our system works in a way where the student is the "customer" and the instructor is the "server" and "entertainer". Do what you have to do to satisfy the administrative hounds and hopefully she will chill out.
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
|
concordancia
|
|
« Reply #13 on: April 07, 2011, 03:58:58 PM » |
|
We have an adult student like this. I think every professor in my department has had to deal with her. No one ever ends up getting in trouble because everyone knows how it goes, but everyone has to jump through all of the hoops because that is how it is done. So, document, follow the rules, and have a mojito.
|
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
I like money. I like to buy stuff and experiences with money.
|
|
|
|
aliasme
|
|
« Reply #14 on: April 08, 2011, 12:07:06 PM » |
|
I have the male version of the same student.
In an alternate plane of reality, this is what I would say to the student:
The tension you perceive is that I don't like you. And perhaps that you don't like me. But it's not my job as the instructor of this class to LIKE you. My only job is to teach the class as a whole and to be fair to each individual student. And that I will promise you; I will be more than fair in assessing your work. As a student in this class, it's not your job to be liked by me, nor is it required for you to like me, just do the coursework, learn the content, and get over your need to be more liked or more important than all of the other students who are also enrolled in the class.
A silly question, first. How does one "Hall of Fame" a post? I'd do that with the above, most definitely. And, I did once say a variation of the above, to an entire class (my last year as adjuncting for my PhD school). I said, "My job is to teach, yours is to learn. Those are different things. Some of you aren't going to "get" me, and vice versa, but we still have to do our respective jobs to the best of our ability. At any rate, you can drop this class, I cannot." On one level, I didn't know any better. I could have gotten into some trouble with administrators for that if some student had made a fuss. On another, it was pretty damned liberating to say. |
|
|
|
|
Logged
|
|
|
|
|
