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[rebelgirl]

O connoisseurs of b.s., I offer this for your delectation, and challenge all comers to top it.  This, from a baseball player who, going into the final, had a D- in my literature course.  For the essay portion of the final, students had the option of choosing from a selection of questions at the test OR doing a take home with a very specific essay prompt.  Both required detailed textual analysis (those picking a question at the test had to use ID passages as examples).  Student chose the take home option and submitted the following:

“How do I start? Should I write about my political views and bash the government like [writer we read]?  Or maybe write a story of a great hero like in [text] or [other text].  No, I’ll write about what made all these stories stand the test of time.  I’ll write about life.

“Coming into our English [2xx] class I honestly didn’t know what I was doing here.  I vowed to never take another English class again after [1xx].  It was going to be a class of readings I heard.  Never the less, readings of ancient times.  But I knew my grades were what was important and decided my buddies [two failing ballplayers] and I would help each other through the course [as they so often did by scrawling required study questions, focused strictly on the first paragraph of the day's reading, then leaving class before it began].

“When I got the first reading of [text which student failed to recognize on the ID section of final exam] I was amazed.  These readings were stories that were filled with adventure.  From then on while I can honestly say that I missed a few readings I was sucked into class.  I was interested in people’s views of the stories.  I was interested in reading!  For the first time in my life I understood the great joy of literature.  Writing and expressing my thoughts, and reading and interpreting how I can apply it to my own life was increditable.

“I think the meaning of this class was not only to learn different cultures and views but also to see the beauty of writings from all parts of the world.  And while most sell their books back to the school to get a little bit of extra cash I’m egger to read the stories we didn’t have time to cover.  So thank you for this class. And the opportunity to do creative writing to express what I really learned and will apply to my life from this class.”

I laughed till I wept over his “egger” response to our “increditable” readings.  This guy could star on “The Bold and the Bullsh!tters.”  How very, very dumb he must think I am.  But perhaps I am a very cruel Dr. Rebelgirl, failing to note his newborn passion for literature--literature about which he wrote nothing, but into which he was “sucked.”  What am I to say in response to this?  Ah forumites, what would you say?

[lizzy]

F for not answering the question.

[octoprof]

"Congratulations, B.S. Ballplayer, you get to take this course again and read all those fascinating stories one more time."

[antiphon1]

This answer is the academic version of a half court, at the buzzer air ball.   Throwing an attempt up doesn't necessarily mean you're going to make the points. 

[proftowanda]

Dear B.S. Ballplayer:

I imagine that you have heard this before from your dates, and from your coaches, but allow me to join the chorus:

It's really not all about you.

And I imagine that when you have heard that before and have not learned from it, the result was the same:

No score!

Signed,

Prof. Rebelgirl

[dr_alcott]

This:

F for not answering the question.

 . . . and for not demonstrating the skills and content mastery you need to assess.

And this:

"Congratulations, B.S. Ballplayer, you get to take this course again and read all those fascinating stories one more time."

[zpost]

From then on while I can honestly say that I missed a few readings I was sucked into class.

I fixed that for your student.

[mystictechgal]

Dear B. S. Ballplayer,

I'm so glad you found that you enjoyed the class and the readings. As a ballplayer, I know that you have displayed leadership on the court, and I am certain that you are capable of leading students off the court, as well.

Please make an appointment to meet with me prior to the start of the next semester use. I'm eager to discuss with you how your combination of leadership skills and appreciation of the material might be used to assist and tutor the younger students that will be joining you as they take the class for the first time. As an athlete and role model for our younger students, I'm certain you'll be perfect for the task now that you understand the appeal and importance of the subject matter.

Glad to have you on my team. Looking forward to having you in class again.

Professor Rebelgirl

[fishbrains]

For the first time in my life I understood the great joy of literature.i]

Dear B.S.,

Because you now understand the great joy of literature through the works listed on the syllabus, we can spend one more semester together actually reading them! How fortunate you are!--as you will also have the advantage of sharing the joy of this literature with your buddies again, who must have come to the same great understanding of which you speak. I sincerely hope that they were as enthralled by their textbook as to not sell it back to the bookstore.

I'm looking forward to our continued relationship and the possibility of next semester's effort not only being "increditable" but "credit-able" for you as well.

Your soul-sister in literary and cultural appreciation,

Prof. Rebelgirl

[amlithist]

That was a thing of beauty, Rebel Girl!  Thanks for sharing it!

[rebelgirl]

Oh, the fantasy responses here are truly delicious.  How I'd love to use Proftowanda's line about not scoring, or antiphon's about the half court & failed throw, or mystictechgal's offer to have this student show leadership tutoring his fellows!  (BTW, this class won't be offered again till next year, so if he needed it for graduation, he's in a world of hurt)

Dear B.S., Because you now understand the great joy of literature through the works listed on the syllabus, we can spend one more semester together actually reading them!

I love it.  But this is closer to what I actually wrote (sigh):

This:

F for not answering the question.

 . . . and for not demonstrating the skills and content mastery you need to assess.

Grades get posted on Monday, & exams returned.  I wonder if I should write BS Ballplayer a little commemorative poem:

Somewhere teams are practicing; their fans do cheer and shout;
But there is no joy at CC:  Big BS-er has struck out.

[mystictechgal]

Y'know, now that I think about it, I really think it's important that BSer's coach be made aware of how BSer has come to find, against all odds, a love of literature that has changed his life. After all, when Coach sees his grades he's apt to be disappointed. I think it's only fair to BSer that you try to help him out by showing Coach how sincere he has become about his pursuit of higher knowledge. Perhaps that will lessen Coach's disappointment in him. Do forward it along, won't you?

[rebelgirl]

That was a thing of beauty, Rebel Girl!  Thanks for sharing it!

This is my favorite part:

"No, I’ll write about what made all these stories stand the test of time.  I’ll write about life."

Y'know, now that I think about it, I really think it's important that BSer's coach be made aware of how BSer has come to find, against all odds, a love of literature that has changed his life. After all, when Coach sees his grades he's apt to be disappointed. I think it's only fair to BSer that you try to help him out by showing Coach how sincere he has become about his pursuit of higher knowledge. Perhaps that will lessen Coach's disappointment in him. Do forward it along, won't you?

Oooohhh. I like the way you think, MTG....that's simply a deliciously evil idea.

By the way, the vast majority of BS BPs' classmates did quite well in this course.  Then again, as their written work demonstrated, they actually read the material ;)

[tee_bee]

Dear Baseball Player Jackass:

You know how you feel when the other pitcher hangs a big, juicy fastball out over the fat part of the plate, and you take a mighty swing at it, corkscrewing yourself into the ground as you hear the "thwack" of ball hitting leather, and just for a flash see, out of the corner of your eye, the umpire winding up to call "strike three"? You know how that feels when you're down a run, it's the ninth inning, and you were the last at bat with two outs? Do you?

If you do, you must now feel exactly the same way. Because you whiffed on this juicy pitch too. Unlike in baseball, however, I don't grade on a curve.

F

[mystictechgal]

That was a thing of beauty, Rebel Girl!  Thanks for sharing it!

This is my favorite part:

"No, I’ll write about what made all these stories stand the test of time.  I’ll write about life."

Y'know, now that I think about it, I really think it's important that BSer's coach be made aware of how BSer has come to find, against all odds, a love of literature that has changed his life. After all, when Coach sees his grades he's apt to be disappointed. I think it's only fair to BSer that you try to help him out by showing Coach how sincere he has become about his pursuit of higher knowledge. Perhaps that will lessen Coach's disappointment in him. Do forward it along, won't you?

Oooohhh. I like the way you think, MTG....that's simply a deliciously evil idea.

By the way, the vast majority of BS BPs' classmates did quite well in this course.  Then again, as their written work demonstrated, they actually read the material ;)

Yeah, I was being snarky, and perhaps "evil" in my tongue-in-cheek reason for for sharing it, but, in all honesty I think you should share this with his coach. It's quite likely that doing so actually may result in his having a life changing new appreciation of literature. Or, if not literature, perhaps he will at least learn that it is rude and unwise to insult his professors &/or their fields of expertise.