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[fiona]

http://www.salon.com/life/pinched/2011/01/05/wish_i_hadnt_opted_out

The Fiona

[reener06]

It's oddly gratifying to hear someone spell it out so well, although I feel bad for her, of course. I fought hard when reenerette was little to justify daycare and its expense, and now am glad I didn't 'opt out.' I have lots of friends who did, who judged me (and I judged them), who walked away from great careers. I've often wondered what might happen if their spouses wanted a divorce. There aren't easy answers, but I do like that someone is actually giving another viewpoint about this.

[klaradeb]

I had a stay-at-home mum. I will never let anyone say that it's "good for the kids".

As a little girl, growing up next to a bitter, unfullfilled person (although she would never admit to that, of course) always gave me the akward feeling that it was "my fault" if my mother wasn't out there doing fascinating things. Not having a job and being at home all the time made her ridiculously focused on the house, which became all her world. She was completely out of touch with reality. I remember the ways in which she tried to justify herself when the kids at school made fun of me because I had to answer "she takes cares of me" when asked about my mother's job - basically telling me that working mothers were not taking good care of their children. As a grown-up woman, it took me years, therapy, and two wonderful female mentors to get out of my mother's shadow and over the idea that it would somehow be wrong to eventually have a child since I wanted to commit to a career.

That's definitely not the example I would like to give a child, boy or girl.

[ideagirl]

http://www.salon.com/life/pinched/2011/01/05/wish_i_hadnt_opted_out

The Fiona

She must've gotten an incredibly sucky deal in the divorce. I don't understand why.

[octoprof]

This sentence, while depressing, made me laugh. Yes, it's true.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single woman in possession of two teenagers must be in want of a steady paycheck and employer-sponsored health insurance.

When my first husband finished his residency and got his first real (6 figure) job as a medical doctor, he wanted me to quit being an academic (I had been supporting him for four years and had just earned tenure) to stay home. Note, we did not have children at the time.  Of course, I chose not to quit partially because I love what I do and I was pleased to discover I'm pretty good at it but also because the idea of staying home was especially wrong, in my opinion, for someone with no children. What would I do all day? I figured I'd crack up eventually, honestly. Anyhow, we never did manage to get pregnant (which in retrospect is a blessing) but you can imagine how he felt about my career after his took off and was bringing in more than mine. Pfft.  

There's nothing wrong, in my opinion, with a parent choosing to stay at home, but that person has to understand how risky that choice is in this day and age of disposable marriage and uncertain economic times.

In fact, my current husband "stays at home" and we don't have children. We did, however, make a conscious decision for him to do this since the only jobs available in his field were night shift and we didn't think this would be good for a fledgling marriage. He does know, however, that he can look for a job anytime he likes, if he likes, and he knows that we have planned financially for his future if something horrible and untimely happens to me.

http://www.salon.com/life/pinched/2011/01/05/wish_i_hadnt_opted_out

The Fiona

She must've gotten an incredibly sucky deal in the divorce. I don't understand why.

One presumes the ex either doesn't make much so support is low or has had something befall him that keeps him from supporting her and the children. This is more the rule rather than the exception, I think.

[aprilmay]

She must've gotten an incredibly sucky deal in the divorce. I don't understand why.

This is a myth - that if there is a divorce, the husband will cover the wife's finances. She probably gets child support, but that will end soon, and she seems understandably concerned about what will happen next. I feel bad for her.

I think any family dynamic can work, but most people don't understand the true tradeoffs they are making.

[octoprof]

She must've gotten an incredibly sucky deal in the divorce. I don't understand why.

This is a myth - that if there is a divorce, the husband will cover the wife's finances. She probably gets child support, but that will end soon, and she seems understandably concerned about what will happen next. I feel bad for her.

I think any family dynamic can work, but most people don't understand the true tradeoffs they are making.

Amen!

[macaroon]

There's nothing wrong, in my opinion, with a parent choosing to stay at home, but that person has to understand how risky that choice is in this day and age of disposable marriage and uncertain economic times.

It's not this "day and age", octoprof...  

Both my husband and I felt very strongly that both of us should always have careers and incomes.  Both his grandmother AND his mother were left without a man to provide for them and the kids.  His grandmother was widowed with a baby and three other young children, and his father divorced his mom.  What happened?  Poverty. His grandma went back to college and became a teacher, and was able to support the kids within a few years.

And in my family, the women didn't do all that much better.  When the men left, by death, divorce, or disability, it's poverty for the kiddos unless the women never quit working.  One of my grandmothers was a teacher already when she met my grandfather, and she never quit her job.  He was disabled in an accident fairly young, and she subsequently kept the family afloat financially.  

[navelgazer]

Thank you for posting this.

[fiona]

Thank you for posting this.

You're welcome. I hope you'll pass it on, as not enough women know the chances they may be taking.

The Fiona

[navelgazer]

Thank you for posting this.

You're welcome. I hope you'll pass it on, as not enough women know the chances they may be taking.

The Fiona

I've passed things like this on before, and have learned not to do it on Facebook. It's like law school or PhD grad programs, everyone believes they will be the exception and will have no problem getting a good job after 5 years out of the work force. I'm not saying it's right, but those of us working full time have a better chance of changing the status quo.

My husband and I talk about this all the time and we're on the same page about me working. In fact, he is sometimes better than me about insisting I don't give up my position. My mother-in-law on the other hand...

[littlefred]

I find it interesting as well. Since I am pregnant with my first baby this is something I have been thinking about a good bit too.

I have seen too many marriages fall apart when the wife stays home. Most recently my cousin. She withdrew from the world completely. (when her son was about 2, he is 12 now)  No paper. No news. No current events.  She didn't want to think about, or acknowledge anything negative at all. Of course, this isolated her and made her world quite small. Church, school, kid stuff. And that mostly was comprised of dropping them off. Its not like she did museum stuff or 'mommy and me' stuff. As far as I could tell, she didn't even have a SAHM group or other SAHM mom friends.

We often remarked about 'her tree' because it seemed to me that she had climbed up a really tall tree and now sat there with her fingers in her ears singing la-la-la-la  'I can't hear you'..... about anything even remotely negative.  I can't imagine it, actually. being so out of touch with the world. 

(and I have suffered from depression, so I know the impulse to act that way... but I also know it leads down to the darkness)

Now she is divorced, and struggling. A lot.

Since we have been so close to this situation, bigfred is chomping at the bit about WHEN I will go back to work. Since I teach a good bit online, I think he thought I wouldn't be taking any time... or very minimal, like I did after the abdominal surgery. I took about 8 days off.

However, I plan to actually take some time with the baby.... probably most of my 12 weeks FMLA, or however it works out with start dates. 

Its not a money thing either.... but I want to have something to do!

Maybe my experiences are rare, but the SAHM's I know.... I don't know many where it led to a better relationship. Or a strong marriage. I love this baby, but I also love my husband, and I want to stay married!  And isn't it better for the kids to have parents who love each other, and can stay together? better than having mom stay home, unhappy?

[busyslinky]

A corollary to this whole issue is women who take a lesser job or serve as a trailing spouse to be closer to their significant other.  

And it is usually the women who is sacrificing some form of financial and career security within the heterosexual relationship.

[aprilmay]

Going back to work after being out of the workforce is hard in any situation, by in academia jobs are scarce even if the woman didn't take a break. Students don't always understand this. It's difficult enough to explain the probability of finding a tt job at all, much less so when the student plans to take off for a few years.

The minority of stay-at-home dads probably have an even rougher time reentering the workforce as their stay at home is less socially accepted.

The Feminine Mistake is an interesting book on the financial risks of staying at home.

I agree with busyslinky that it is usually the woman who takes a secondary career. I know of very few cases in which the man took a lesser career than the wife in academia.

[newbie]

Maybe my experiences are rare, but the SAHM's I know.... I don't know many where it led to a better relationship. Or a strong marriage. I love this baby, but I also love my husband, and I want to stay married!  And isn't it better for the kids to have parents who love each other, and can stay together? better than having mom stay home, unhappy?

Some women really love staying home with the kids. I have a close friend who absolutely relishes it, and she and her husband seem to work very well this way. She also has training in a field in which she's been able to do some part time work here and there and will likely be able to re-enter the work force when all of her children are in school. It's worked out perfectly for them. At times, I wish I had her attitude about staying at home with a child, but I don't.

Does anyone know any actual research done on attitudes about staying home with children versus returning to work? I imagine many women are very happy with it, and it's only when they are put in a difficult situation (e.g., divorce, illness) that they feel regret about leaving their careers. It seems like we mentally justify any decisions we make, and so it seems very difficult to do real research on this topic.