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[wanna_writemore]

I'm so sorry, sylvie.  Sending you gentle hugs and healing thoughts.

[theritas]

I'm sorry for your loss.  Many years back, when my sister told me she'd lost one, I was struck with sadness driving to work the next day.  I was surprised by my little outburst, and never mentioned it to her.  Anyway, I felt like it was a healthy grieving, and hope you can work through your feelings in time.

[sylvie]

Thank you to everyone for your sympathy and warm wishes. I feel better today, and I've been consoling myself by reading and posting in the mindless Meet and Greet threads. Unfortunately, I have a chapter deadline on Friday, so I have to switch back into focused work mode, which may actually be a good thing.

[dellaroux]

Wishing you productivity in the midst of your need.

[insomniac]

Sylvie:

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. Thank you for sharing it with us. I know it's very hard. I lost three pregnancies, two in the first trimester, and one at 17 weeks (a particularly traumatic event). We kept all the pregnancies (and thus losses) to ourselves, my husband and I. We found it easier. But this is a personal thing. I can't imagine what I would have done had my parents been present during or shortly after one of my losses.

You are mourning a death. There's nothing strange or self-indulgent about that, whether it's a few cells or a developed fetus. It doesn't matter. It's a death and you feel grief. Let it happen.

I went to see a therapist after the first couple of losses. It was a safe place for me to talk about my grief and pain, and for me to mourn the way I needed to mourn. There was no worrying for me about how the person I told would react to my losses (a factor in why I didn't share my pregnancies with anyone--I don't want to have to worry about how others deal with my loss). She recommended a mourning ritual, where you decide how you want to mark the loss of your baby and then go ahead and do it. I found it therapeutic. I still mark their "birthdays."

People will tell you that you can get pregnant again (I did and now have a toddler and am expecting another soon). But this is scant, if any, consolation. Right now, you feel sad. Just feel that, no questions asked.

And it's not your fault. Really.

Hugs,

Insomniac

[thenewyorker]

Oh hugs and more hugs.

[dr_alcott]

Sylvie, I've been thinking about you too. I'm so sorry for your loss. Mine was at 21 weeks, and the grief was enormous. Give yourself permission to grieve as much (or as little) as you need to.

Have you considered telling your loved ones what you've gone through? I didn't learn about my sister's miscarriage until after the fact, but I'm glad she told me (or told my mother to tell me) so that I could support her in any way she needed.

Be gentle with yourself.

[bioteacher]

I'm sorry for your loss, Sylvie. You have every right to grieve as you are experiencing a real loss. Hang in there.

[dellaroux]

I meant to mention also that there are a couple of groups for people who have experienced early neo-natal death and miscarriage.

One, Candlebearers, was of much help to a friend whose child died just before its birth. I can't seem to find a site for them now, however.

The March of Dimes has re-oriented some of its focus and mission to look more broadly at illness and death (mostly in later gestational events, like neonates and stillbirths, but the resources here might still be useful):
   http://www.marchofdimes.com/baby/loss_neonataldeath.html

There are also useful resources on this site:
   http://www.angelfire.com/emo/miscarriage/

Only you know whether it's more helpful to go through this alone or with others, but if you want to be in touch with others, there are ways to do that.

And clergy of any denomination have resources for planning memorial services; there is a very general plan for a service, and fitting prayers, in the Anglican Book of Common Prayer, that could be adapted, if you wanted something just to read through for yourself, for example; a Methodist bishop I know of did work on this need in particular at one point, and I could find her materials if you like as well.

All good thoughts.

[jungle_jane]

sylvie, all I can say is that I am so sorry for your loss.
Jane

[niceday]

Sylvie, we are all sorry for your loss.

I hope this doesn't come out the wrong way but I do want to say that it's okay to grieve and it's also okay to have changing feelings about the issue. Pregnancy loss is traumatic for many people but I also know many people who grieved very little or had an initial period of heavy grief that dissipated fairly quickly. Do not feel bound by any particular model. The loss is real but there is no one correct way to live with it/through it. 

[prytania3]

Sylvie, I'm so sorry that happened. I think T_F gives very good advice, though.

Big hugs.

And Ellaminnow, I'm so happy to hear you have a healthy daughter after what you went through.

[bud04]

Sylvie, I am sorry too for your loss. Take care of yourself.


<<<<<<HUGS>>>>>>>

[lizzy]

I'm so sorry, Sylvie. And I understand where you're coming from.

I lost one, a couple of weeks earlier than you did. I felt, like you, a terrible sense of loss--lost potential, lost love, the loss of a potential family configuration and of a unique person. But at the same time I found it hard to talk about, seeing as I had lost "just" a small mass of cells.

But of course it was more than that.

I agree with the previous posters who have advised giving yourself permission to mourn your loss. Try again when you're ready, but don't deny how you feel. You have every right to be sad.

I still sometimes think about that little mass of cells--who that person would/ could have been. But I did conceive shortly afterwards; she's nine years old now, and an interesting, independent, and loving child.

Sending healing vibes and all good wishes your way!

[gennimom]

Sylvie, much, MUCH sympathy here. I lost my first at 11 weeks. I cried for days. It seemed to help when I found out around 25% of first pregnancies end in miscarriage. It didn't. I finally succeeded almost 2 years later, and she is 5 now, but it is so hard to endure the loss even now. And being in a Southern family, everyone knew. My husband even missed out on being a groomsman for his oldest nephew because the loss was only a couple of days before the wedding. Some members of the family figured out I was pregnant again when I was able to go to a baby shower and hold someone else's baby, all without crying or looking sad.

A niece just had her second baby after suffering several miscarriages and molar pregnancies in between. I don't know how she was able to handle all that.

All I learned from other people telling my story is, everyone handles it their own way. You do what is comfortable for you.