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[navelgazer]

I'm in therapy and taking anti-anxiety medication, which is helping my imposter syndrome. But, I have a very hard time thinking I am better-qualified in my field than  my spouse is in his. This is probably irrational, but I really, really don't want to give up a TT line for him. And, I am very, very scared I will.

****Background****

I am in my third year of the tenure-track at a flagship R1. It is a great job. Great support from colleagues, well-run department. I just got a year on the tenure clock since I entered with a 4 month old. I read the faculty handbook very carefully before taking the job, as I was 8 months pregnant. I am a humanist in a generally undervalued field.

My husband is on the job market. He is a lab scientist with a good pedigree. (His post-doc adviser passed away last month, which has made us not as rational as we would be otherwise. This happened the day after he told my husband to make a list of schools he should call to promote my husband's candidacy.) We are pretty sure that wherever he gets his offer will not be as good a school as where I am.

So far he has one interview, and he is a great fit. The thing is? I interviewed at this school for a VAP. I didn't get it, but there were only 2 candidates, and who knows why or why not they chose him. That doesn't seem like a big deal. However, when I was there they told me they wanted to open a line. And now the man they did hire is still there--after four years--as a Senior Lecturer.

I'm also unsure how in the world I'm supposed to even support this job interview. How in the world would that end well. (And yes, the humanities program there isn't as good as here. The school in general is higher ranked than mine right now. We are in the top 50, they are in the top 25. But my program is just undergraduates, for starters, whereas I have graduate students. It is not a SLAC.)

[crowie]

I think this is an emotional situation for you that's making it hard for you to write up the situation clearly.

But my program is just undergraduates, for starters, whereas I have graduate students. It is not a SLAC.

Do you mean that the humanities program at the institution where your husband is interviewing (where you'd be prospectively hired, if you went that route) is an undergraduate-only program?  If so, it sounds like you are bothered by that because you currently get to work with grad students.  If that's the case then it's just going to be a case of figuring out what you are willing to compromise on, or not.

I'm also unsure how in the world I'm supposed to even support this job interview. How in the world would that end well.

What do you want your husband to do instead?  Only interview at your university?  Is there any room for a spousal hire at your institution?  If not, what else can you both do?

Are these campuses very far away from one another?  Can either of you commute?

[books4jocks]

I'm not sure how this is related to impostor syndrome. It sounds like you are doing very well in a good position, and that the problem lies more in your feelings of obligation to your spouse and the resentment that's generating, because it would mean giving up a lot of security and prestige for something very uncertain. Was there an arrangement between you two that you'd follow him to a job? Where is he now/what is he doing? Are your career goals similarly targeted towards TT spots at R1 universities? Is he really driven to get a position? Tell us more. I can sympathize with your position, and it sounds like there needs to be a big conversation (or series of conversations) between you both about how you will mutually support one another in your goals.

[larryc]

Many (most?) academic couples end up having to prioritize on career over the other. Do you guys speak frankly about this?

[navelgazer]

Many (most?) academic couples end up having to prioritize on career over the other. Do you guys speak frankly about this?

Yes, we do. (Part of the issue is we want to move out of this state, despite liking where we live.) In many ways it is hard to prioritize my career since I will soon make 50% of what he does (theoretically). Also, I have had "real world" jobs and he has never been outside the academy. We're going to a well-respected career counselor soon.

Have I mentioned my biggest fear in all this is not getting tenure?

[sheprof]

So, what happened since your husband had his interview? Did he get the job? How does the detail about "I will soon make 50% of what he does (theoretically)" fit in to the story?

I'm pretty sure all of us are terrified at the thought of not getting tenure. But that's separate from the two-body problem, yes?

Good luck with the career counselor. Being on the tenure track while trying to solve a two-body problem is very stressful and overwhelming, but you've got to be able to keep things in order and compartmentalized to the degree that you can.

[navelgazer]

So, what happened since your husband had his interview? Did he get the job? How does the detail about "I will soon make 50% of what he does (theoretically)" fit in to the story?

Rescheduled 45 days later because of snowmageddon. He might be getting another interview, long boring story.

I'm pretty sure all of us are terrified at the thought of not getting tenure. But that's separate from the two-body problem, yes?

Please read my first post for the context of this. It is not separate. Spouse trailed from promising post-doc, lost a year of research, had his effing graduate school adviser mention this in the context of his "commitment to family" in his letter. I fail to see how a swerve (not a crash) off the established career path to follow me to a job is not related. Also, see original post for context.

but you've got to be able to keep things in order and compartmentalized to the degree that you can.

Please see original post for the context.

[sheprof]

Fine. Good luck with all of it.

[totoro]

Please read my first post for the context of this. It is not separate. Spouse trailed from promising post-doc, lost a year of research, had his effing graduate school adviser mention this in the context of his "commitment to family" in his letter. I fail to see how a swerve (not a crash) off the established career path to follow me to a job is not related. Also, see original post for context.

Please see original post for the context.

None of that was clear in the OP.

[navelgazer]

Please read my first post for the context of this. It is not separate. Spouse trailed from promising post-doc, lost a year of research, had his effing graduate school adviser mention this in the context of his "commitment to family" in his letter. I fail to see how a swerve (not a crash) off the established career path to follow me to a job is not related. Also, see original post for context.

Please see original post for the context.

None of that was clear in the OP.

Sorry, I was quite snippy. I guess a shorter answer to sheprof was "my relationship is obviously different from yours." (FWIW my husband and I talk about this at least 3-4 times a week, he knows how I feel across the board. It is tiring and it's nice to hear other opinions.) By trying to do the best for each of our careers and our lives, it is not only one person who has to make the sacrifices. But, in the end, it's the RELATIONSHIP that we won't sacrifice (by living apart). I guess I was really confused why someone wouldn't connect getting one person not getting tenure with a spouse's sacrifices. I think "people are different" is going to have to cover that one. (And since we prioritize financial security, salary is important but not the be all end all.)

Now that my anxiety treatment is working better, I have a clearer idea about this. If one is convinced that all rewards and accomplishments they receive are mistakes (as I do even when I rationally know it is not true), and that all "dings" are your fault and your fault alone, it is a mental challenge to hold onto things like a successful career. (Seriously, my TA didn't grade the final project using my rubric and I apologized to her for not reminding her.) If I feel that I will fail at tenure (since I still feel that my hire was a mistake), why not give my husband a chance? This goes for getting a new job. But I rationally know this isn't correct, so then I also stress out a lot about going with these irrational thoughts and leave my job. This is putting aside the stress that I'd like to let go.

If we do get the possibility of a spousal, they will either see through me as a fraud or hate me for kicking their long-time adjunct out. But, I've stopped worrying about the final.

I felt bad about my snipping at sheprof, but I lock out this site most of the week and it seemed to long to respond.

[aprilmay]

Take a deep breath. I feel for you. But you are in a position many on this forum would envy. You have a tt job. And at an R1, no less. And you have what sounds like a loving relationship. And your spouse is qualified to get a job, so there aren't issues of dealing with 2 careers when 1 is going very poorly. These are all excellent "problems" to have. I am not writing this to belittle your problems but to help add some attention to the positives here. I get the link between his job interview and your imposter syndrome, but you have done extremely well so far (unless there's something you're not sharing), so give yourself some credit!

If I were you I'd envision worst and best case scenarios to help think about your choices. The worst case scenario might be that you leave your tt job, never getting another academic position at the same level, and that the relationship dies anyway. The second half of this may not be very likely in your case, but the first half is quite likely. You may get another job, but to land a tt job at an R1 is pretty amazing (congrats to you!). And I've seen many many divorced "wish I hadn't left" academics, mainly women. So that could be the worst case. I'm not suggesting that this will happen to you, but only that you envision the possibility to help frame your choices. What would you consider the best case? That your spouse gets a job in your town? Or that you and spouse both end up somewhere else? Maybe a city with multiple universities to which you both could work? What compromises are you willing to make? You seem to love being an academic.

Comparing the other university to yours isn't that helpful as they did not hire you and haven't had a tt opening in your field.

Although you are set on not living apart, how long until you would get tenure? Post tenure, you'll be in a much better position to get another job.

Although spousal hires may be the only way to go, if you miraculously can avoid it, you'll be better off. The spousal hire stigma is very real.

Talk to as many mentors as you can, especially senior faculty who are women.

[sheprof]

I don't know you, so I don't take anything you say personally. Nor should you get defensive about something that I (a stranger) say on an anonymous message board. I was merely trying to better understand your situation and untangle the various aspects of your situation, in an attempt to be helpful.

[niceday]

Post tenure, you'll be in a much better position to get another job.

I think the opposite would be true. There are many more assistant level jobs than associate level jobs.

[aprilmay]

Post tenure, you'll be in a much better position to get another job.

I think the opposite would be true. There are many more assistant level jobs than associate level jobs.

I guess it depends on what type of position you want and your starting point. Tenure at an R1 is going to look great on a CV. Leaving a tt position a few years into the position looks like one is not in line to get tenured.

[totoro]

Post tenure, you'll be in a much better position to get another job.

I think the opposite would be true. There are many more assistant level jobs than associate level jobs.

I guess it depends on what type of position you want and your starting point. Tenure at an R1 is going to look great on a CV. Leaving a tt position a few years into the position looks like one is not in line to get tenured.

Maybe this depends on field but there are very few ads in my discipline in the US that advertise for anything other an assistant prof. I would say only 10% are open rank or assistant/associate.