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[wirtanen]

I'm tenured and fully promoted, and in love with someone (another tenured professor) across the country. We've applied for several jobs near each other for the last two years with no luck so far. His current job is at a better university than mine, although, I am paid much more than he. He loves his position and I am not attached to mine. Bonus: he lives near much of my family.  I've been a single parent for a long time and done almost all of it alone. I'm so ready to just move there and pursue research full-time from home and be with him and near family.

I had a sabbatical a few years ago when I did work on research from home for a year and it was terrific. I loved the independence and ability to be immersed in what I love for most of the time.  I also liked the extra time I had to spend with my daughter. I have research grants I could take with me, so I would have some funding for the next few years, but of course funding can dry up down the road.

I have no problem leaving academia forever and am willing to go into a new field entirely.

My thoughts about leaving this job for a very uncertain future is how do you deal with loss of the status and community of being a professor? And the camaraderie of a department. Not that I love everyone there, but I do enjoy interacting with people at some level. Would this get old working from home after a few years?

Advice? Anyone btdt?

[larryc]

Are you guys married?

[wirtanen]

No, but we're planning to be.

[busyslinky]

He should leave his job and move in with you.  If he loves you he should be willing to do that.  You can survive better on your salary than his.

[madhatter]

I wouldn't move without a ring. Sorry to be cold and calculating about this, but you need an insurance policy if things go south.

[wirtanen]

Good points. Don't worry - we will be married before either one of us moved. He is willing to leave his job and move in with us, which we've also considered. It's just that I am very dissatisfied with my job to the point that I was already seriously looking to leave it before I met him. However, he loves his job. Although I mentioned that I make more money, money is not a problem. We both have substantial savings.

[niceday]

I'd say "why the heck not, it's your life and you only live once" if it were just you.  But you are a single mom, correct? That argues for being very, very cautious. How old is the child? Do you have enough savings to see him or her through college if things go south? How does s/he feel about a move?

"Research full time from home" is usually a dead-end. If you are competitive enough for that, you should be able to find a job nearer where he is. Sure -- take a step down. Make less money. Happy parents are important. However, unemployed single parents do not make for a nice childhood. The relationship might not work out, he might die (you need to consider this), you might not be happy with him.

If you are that desperate, can you take a leave of absence on your savings and try it out and look for jobs locally? A single parent giving up a well-paying tenured position without another job lined up just doesn't sit right with me.

Find a job there and then move.

[wirtanen]

A LOA from current institution is a great idea, and I would do that no matter what. I currently have job applications pending at universities in the city where he lives.  I am applying for everything I see in his area that is appropriate (and he is doing the same for my locale) in academia, and starting to look outside of academia.

[mouseman]

A LOA from current institution is a great idea, and I would do that no matter what. I currently have job applications pending at universities in the city where he lives.  I am applying for everything I see in his area that is appropriate (and he is doing the same for my locale) in academia, and starting to look outside of academia.

I really have little to add, because you look to have the bases covered, just wanted to write - good luck.

Just adding my voice to the LOA thing - it will also help you determine whether you could indeed live off of one salary, should the need arise (though I also advise against the stay-at-home researcher track).

[slownsteady]

wirtanen,
I would be very cautious. It seems like you just want to move and be close to him. Be sure that you will be happy without your current job and status. I would advice against leaving a secure job especially being a single parent. If you can indeed take a leave of absence while continuing to look for good jobs in his area that would be the best bet. I wonder if you are willing to move away from academia partially because you feel eager and lonely and just want to move closer to him. Women can get love sick and do some very foolish things...I would also try to live closer to him or in the same city for at least few months before deciding to get married. I once had a long distance relationship and it was wierd, I lost all interest in this person when we were actually at driving distance. Things can look so different when in a long distance relationship.

 How old is your kid? A lot of this  will also depend on if he or she is ready to go to college or finished college.

[niceday]

Women can get love sick and do some very foolish things...

Dude.

[wirtanen]

slownsteady,

Caution is good, and I'm a cautious person by nature, and not at all prone to doing impulsive, foolish things (although of course I married the wrong person the first time!). I'm also okay with being alone. I enjoy it. That is very interesting about how you lost interest in your long-distance love once you both lived in the same town. At least we have already tested the waters by living together over semester breaks and sabbaticals.

What I didn't put in the original post is that this is a career move I've wanted to make for a long time now. When I said I'm not attached to my job, what I meant to say is that this job is such a poor fit for me that I have desperately wanted out of it for a long time. Ten years ago I was married to someone else and I tried to make a career move with him at that point, but he wouldn't support it, then along came a baby, followed quickly by separation and divorce and it wasn't feasible to do anything other than just stay afloat for a few years. So I did the responsible thing by being the breadwinner and biding my time. Besides just "biding", I made sure that we lived well beneath my means, found outside consulting money that I've saved every bit of, learned how to invest money (and done well), and made connections to help me when I leave.  For the 8 or so years I have been highly focused on making this jump - well before meeting Mr. Wonderful. So, no, I'm not contemplating leaving *just* to be near him.  It's just a lucky coincidence that I've met him when I'm in a financial position to be able to move.

Just to keep everyone from worrying about me... in the last week has come up a very good possibility that I will have a full-time job in his town next year that doesn't require that I give up my current job for at least two years, and income would be guaranteed for that time. I'll know in a couple of months for sure whether this will happen. But let's assume it does go through for the sake of argument. 

I'm still interested in hearing from people who have done similar things and whether social/professional isolation became a problem and if so what they did about that. 

niceday,
I can't tell whether your 'dude' comment is supposed to mean. ??

[niceday]

I was commenting on his view of women as creatures who do foolish things for love -- implicitly assuming that men are beacons of rationality, I suppose?

[offthemarket]

Congratulations!

It sounds like you would prefer to move instead of him.

Now it's just a matter of making it good as it can be.  Perhaps you can work to swing a guest scholar position or something along those lines, which could make inroads for you?

Also, once you're married, then the concept of a spousal hire (even at the senior level) might be possible?  Go live where you want to live, and do what you want to do!

[red_jasper]

I'd say "why the heck not, it's your life and you only live once" if it were just you.  But you are a single mom, correct? That argues for being very, very cautious. How old is the child? Do you have enough savings to see him or her through college if things go south? How does s/he feel about a move?

"Research full time from home" is usually a dead-end. If you are competitive enough for that, you should be able to find a job nearer where he is. Sure -- take a step down. Make less money. Happy parents are important. However, unemployed single parents do not make for a nice childhood. The relationship might not work out, he might die (you need to consider this), you might not be happy with him.

If you are that desperate, can you take a leave of absence on your savings and try it out and look for jobs locally? A single parent giving up a well-paying tenured position without another job lined up just doesn't sit right with me.

Find a job there and then move.

I know other things have been said, but I completely agree with this post by niceday. Being a single mom requires extra caution.